Anyone Ever Fought a Wife and Won?

[SunsetRed]

I'm just curious..has anyone ever fought the wife (spouse) of the person they are dating and won? If you did, how did things turn out.

 

I've actually known 2 women that were having affairs and they did break up a marriage and then married the guy they had the affair with. Both women ended up with incredible loss. One woman had been a homeowner w stable credit and the husband she stole ended up causing her to lose this. The other woman ended up being cheated on by the guy she had cheated with.

 

I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around so thats why when my separated bf said that his wife wanted him back, I let him go with very little fight. I don't have the energy to fight a wife.

 

I'm just curious to see if anyone has fought the wife and what was the outcome?

[Silly_Girl]

I confess I don't really grasp what you mean by 'fought the wife'? I assume you don't mean physically? And if you don't then it infers to me a sort of battle over the guy as if he were not involved and just a piece of meat with no free will....

[bentnotbroken]

:lmao:Your title made me think of a fist fight. I don't know if I would characterize the competition that might occur between the spouse and AP a fight. Seems strange to me, kind of like middle school. But I guess some people do see it that way. I think I won by not fighting, just by being someone I like.

[SunsetRed]

Maybe I should have rephrased what I said. I don't mean an actual physical fight..I did mean a sort of battle over a man.

 

I like what you said Bent. A man has free will and in the end, no one can lead him to where he doesn't really want to be.

 

If my xMM ever did come back to me, it would be of his own free will and because his marriage was broken long before I came into the picture. I'm not expecting him to come back, but if he did it would be of his own free will.

[magic8ball]

Maybe I should have rephrased what I said. I don't mean an actual physical fight..I did mean a sort of battle over a man.

 

I like what you said Bent. A man has free will and in the end, no one can lead him to where he doesn't really want to be.

 

If my xMM ever did come back to me, it would be of his own free will and because his marriage was broken long before I came into the picture. I'm not expecting him to come back, but if he did it would be of his own free will.

Or his W finally got tired and kicked his butt out.

 

Magic8ball says try again later...

[East7]

You don't have to fight for someone that you love but you can put your terms :no cake eating !

 

If he loves you he will "choose" you, you have given him the option, no need to fight for that.

 

Nobody stays married against their will, if they stay it is because they are comfortable within their marriage or too coward to change their lives.

[Spark1111]

Hey, I was willing to let him go. I was angrier at being lied to than his developing feelings for another.

 

I wished him happiness with his new OW. But she didn't fight for him at all.

 

Jeez....she wouldn't even return my phone calls, perceiving me as evil personified I guess, or out of some misplaced sense of protecting him. But I knew everything I needed to know.

 

Within 72 hours of discovering her existence in my life, I had every piece of personal information....former investigative journalist here.

 

But I never intended to use it against her; just trying to piece together what the hell had happened in my life.

 

So, she refuses to return my three phone calls, and 2.5 years later she breaks NC to see if he is still interested.

 

I called her at work, something I would never do, and she crumpled like a house of cards for no really good reason. I am, and always will be, kind.

 

So I think she could no longer justify her affair and her actions after speaking with me. It must have been easier to keep her fantasies of him and her alive as long as I was the evil villain in the novel, one she needed to rescue my H from.....I guess.

 

And with complete honesty I say this, as I said to him: They would have burnt each other out within two years. Guaranteed.

[Feelin Frisky]

The closest thing I had to a wife was someone I lived with for 5 years. She and I had a lot of spats and a lot of them were a matter of her jumping to wrong conclusions and/or having poor communication skills. To make a long story short what I'm trying to say is that there came a point where winning and losing didn't matter--I just had to put it to her harshly "how long do we both have to lose?" over her misperception and stubborn pride in not admitting she drew the wrong conclusion again. It worked marginally a few times but people are stubborn creatures who are not in a hurry to admit when they've blown another call. I remember telling her at one point that I didn't want her to "say" she was sorry, I wanted her to actually "be" sorry. I think that even didn't penetrate her thick skull at times. If people don't firmly learn the true edges and natures of mistakes, all the "sorries" in the world won't keep them from happening again. The things we do for love. Oye.

[Spark1111]

I'm curious as to what you mean by the above, "she didn't fight for him". Would you expound on that please.

 

Sure....she didn't cry, rage, or hurt in front of him. While I am sure she had to have felt all those feelings after 1.5 year affair with he alluding to a future together, she never expressed anything but care, kindness and concern that he be happy. As if she didn't deserve more from him! She did!

 

She was also frightened of the potential fall out as they worked together and she not only needed the job, but had a vindictive xH she was suing over assets. But hey, she, he should have thought about all that before they engaged in the affair instead of convincing themselves I and our children would not care.

 

The ramifications of the discovery becoming public for HER would be horrible. So she retreated...less texts, calling, etc. while she waited to see what I would do. I did nothing, except wish him well.

 

While noble, I believe you can be too "nice"; she subjugated her true feelings to make him feel better about his own confusion, hoping he would choose her.

 

She should have been hurling plates and epithets like I was doing! She had a right to do so. Not giving him a place to stay and folding his laundry and extending friendship by asking how his reconciliation was going.

 

She should have had the courage of her own convictions and owned her actions and answered my empathetic phone calls and told he how much she loved him!

 

I expected that! And would have respected that!

 

But she hid her inner diva for a MM who is now crying at her kitchen table about how he wants to go home and she.....empathizes with him? WTH??!

 

Sometimes, a selfish man only respects a 2x4 to the head and a real verbal azz-whooping, not a run, hide, retreat, and be nice at the expense of her own emotions.

 

People treat and respect us only as well as we treat and respect ourselves.

[ladydesigner]

Sure....she didn't cry, rage, or hurt in front of him. While I am sure she had to have felt all those feelings after 1.5 year affair with he alluding to a future together, she never expressed anything but care, kindness and concern that he be happy. As if she didn't deserve more from him! She did!

 

She was also frightened of the potential fall out as they worked together and she not only needed the job, but had a vindictive xH she was suing over assets. But hey, she, he should have thought about all that before they engaged in the affair instead of convincing themselves I and our children would not care.

 

The ramifications of the discovery becoming public for HER would be horrible. So she retreated...less texts, calling, etc. while she waited to see what I would do. I did nothing, except wish him well.

 

While noble, I believe you can be too "nice"; she subjugated her true feelings to make him feel better about his own confusion, hoping he would choose her.

 

She should have been hurling plates and epithets like I was doing! She had a right to do so. Not giving him a place to stay and folding his laundry and extending friendship by asking how his reconciliation was going.

 

She should have had the courage of her own convictions and owned her actions and answered my empathetic phone calls and told he how much she loved him!

 

I expected that! And would have respected that!

 

But she hid her inner diva for a MM who is now crying at her kitchen table about how he wants to go home and she.....empathizes with him? WTH??!

 

Sometimes, a selfish man only respects a 2x4 to the head and a real verbal azz-whooping, not a run, hide, retreat, and be nice at the expense of her own emotions.

 

People treat and respect us only as well as we treat and respect ourselves.

 

Yep the verbal azz-whooping works:laugh:

[lovingwhatis]

Sure....she didn't cry, rage, or hurt in front of him. While I am sure she had to have felt all those feelings after 1.5 year affair with he alluding to a future together, she never expressed anything but care, kindness and concern that he be happy. As if she didn't deserve more from him! She did!

 

She was also frightened of the potential fall out as they worked together and she not only needed the job, but had a vindictive xH she was suing over assets. But hey, she, he should have thought about all that before they engaged in the affair instead of convincing themselves I and our children would not care.

 

The ramifications of the discovery becoming public for HER would be horrible. So she retreated...less texts, calling, etc. while she waited to see what I would do. I did nothing, except wish him well.

 

While noble, I believe you can be too "nice"; she subjugated her true feelings to make him feel better about his own confusion, hoping he would choose her.

 

She should have been hurling plates and epithets like I was doing! She had a right to do so. Not giving him a place to stay and folding his laundry and extending friendship by asking how his reconciliation was going.

 

She should have had the courage of her own convictions and owned her actions and answered my empathetic phone calls and told he how much she loved him!

 

I expected that! And would have respected that!

 

But she hid her inner diva for a MM who is now crying at her kitchen table about how he wants to go home and she.....empathizes with him? WTH??!

 

Sometimes, a selfish man only respects a 2x4 to the head and a real verbal azz-whooping, not a run, hide, retreat, and be nice at the expense of her own emotions.

 

People treat and respect us only as well as we treat and respect ourselves.

 

Spark, I agree with you that subjugating her feelings was not the kind thing to do for herself - she essentially chose his well being over hers. But a simple "no" and sticking to it would have worked just as well for setting that boundary. Being a diva can be tiring, and a little frightening imo.

[Spark1111]

Spark, I agree with you that subjugating her feelings was not the kind thing to do for herself - she essentially chose his well being over hers. But a simple "no" and sticking to it would have worked just as well for setting that boundary. Being a diva can be tiring, and a little frightening imo.

 

Agreed! But for some men it is the answer, or the response, they are seeking: nice, sweet woman who always puts me first or raging angry diva hurling plates at my head who wants nothing to do with me ever again?

 

Jeez, I guess she really did love me after all!

[Spark1111]

If I had to venture a guess, the OW already felt at a disadvantage in many ways. She probably felt that the odds weren't in her favor but yet you do have a point about she should haven't been so sympathitic and she should have found enough courage to follow through with saying........Lookie here, it's me or her and which is it gonna be? Maybe she knew deep down what the answer was already and she was afraid to push her luck. The dynamic of affairs usually always leave the women involved at more of a disadvantage than the man. Women usually suffer greater damage to their rep. It's not fair.......but it is the way it is in our society.

 

Agreed! And it is unfair. And my heart broke for her as she now had my fWS crying at her kitchen table about how much he missed me.

 

And at that point, instead of her continued kindness towards him, she should of picked up the proverbial skillet and hit him upside his head, IMHO.

 

I am amazed at what is NOT discussed, what is NOT revealed in many an affair because everyone is trying waaaay tooo hard to be perfect in the eyes of the AP.

 

How long would all that posturing for perfection have lasted before the warts and wrinkles and true natures of the participants are revealed?

 

Not too long I would think.

 

And I think it is why people feel soooo deceived by their AP when the affair ends badly after DDAY.

[lovingwhatis]

 

I am amazed at what is NOT discussed, what is NOT revealed in many an affair because everyone is trying waaaay tooo hard to be perfect in the eyes of the AP.

 

How long would all that posturing for perfection have lasted before the warts and wrinkles and true natures of the participants are revealed?

 

Not too long I would think.

 

And I think it is why people feel soooo deceived by their AP when the affair ends badly after DDAY.

 

I agree. I guess it is somewhat human nature, we are afraid to show our real self for fear of being rejected. Classic self-esteem issues. I've done it in other relationships to a certain degree, but usually right at the beginning. It seemed too much work and eventually I did speak my mind and like I guessed it didn't go over well. Didn't regret it.

 

The A actually had the opposite effect on me, I was ultra honest, the moment I realized what was it that I was thinking/feeling I told him (when we were in contact). He was pretty straightforward too, though not entirely.

 

I realized then and even more now how this whole thing had to do with me than with the other.

[SidLyon]

This might be a spin off from the "all's fair..." thread.

 

I disagree with the "all's fair..." proposition but that's not the same as saying I wasn't willing to "fight" for my marriage.

 

What I noticed was that the OW was willing to engage in "the fight" (and I don't mean physical of course) only so long as she had the unfair advantage over me (the BW) not knowing about the war. So I really do believe she is a fan of the "all's fair..." idea; and to be honest that's what I see in so many OWs who are on this board, and probably in real life too.

 

However once d-day occurred she didn't really know how to "fight" any more. She had lost the advantage and I suspect felt that I had the upper hand by then. In fact the many OWs seem to take the view the BW has the advantage after d-day.

 

The thing is that this may be true, but no matter how you spin it it isn't an advantage gained by unfair means; and again so may OWs act as if it is, whinging about the kids/finances etc keeping him there.

 

I've seen some OWs who ended up in a R with the MM, giving advice to OWs about getting your ducks in a row, without the BW knowing. To me this is tacit acknowledgment that they are "fighting" by unfair means.

 

Sorry I don't really like the fighting/war/battle analogies but that's today's discussion.

[TurboGirl]

I'm curious as to what you mean by the above, "she didn't fight for him". Would you expound on that please.

 

My first thought was fight for what? over a guy? If a guy is ready to go, he will go... and if he gets himself to that point anyway, he was already part way out the door. So why would anyone "fight" for someone? The desired person should be adult enough to choose... freedom of choice. Right?

[lovingwhatis]

My first thought was fight for what? over a guy? If a guy is ready to go, he will go... and if he gets himself to that point anyway, he was already part way out the door. So why would anyone "fight" for someone? The desired person should be adult enough to choose... freedom of choice. Right?

 

Totally agree. Why fight over the guy with another woman? Completely gives him the power to feel so special.

[Spark1111]

Totally agree. Why fight over the guy with another woman? Completely gives him the power to feel so special.

 

Could not agree with this more!

 

It is why I took myself out of the equation and that gave me all the strength and dignity needed.

 

I felt mature and empowered by it.

 

Look, they had to minimize me, sometimes diminish me, to even have the affair; I had to fit the role of uncaring, self-centered wife, or whatever they convinced themselves of me to engage with each other.....for a long time!

 

They had to fear my wrath, or the consequences, or retaliation, or whatever they perceived would happen should their affair be discovered.

They painted a pretty grim picture for each other, and convinced each other to heighten the need for secrecy until...the kids grew up, more money was stowed, blah, blah, blah.

 

To simply sit back, encourage them in their happiness, and make moving-on plans astonished them both!

 

Now they could have each other for all eternity.

 

It lasted about three and a half weeks.

 

Without the villain to rebel against, both me and her nasty xH, I guess there wasn't a helluva lot in common. Idk.

 

That is why I advocate NC, for both the BS and the OP.

 

Who wants to be anyone's default choice? Who wants to be chosen for all the wrong reasons?

 

You could WIN the man, but lose the WAR, KWIM?

[Spark1111]

I agree. I guess it is somewhat human nature, we are afraid to show our real self for fear of being rejected. Classic self-esteem issues. I've done it in other relationships to a certain degree, but usually right at the beginning. It seemed too much work and eventually I did speak my mind and like I guessed it didn't go over well. Didn't regret it.

 

The A actually had the opposite effect on me, I was ultra honest, the moment I realized what was it that I was thinking/feeling I told him (when we were in contact). He was pretty straightforward too, though not entirely.

 

I realized then and even more now how this whole thing had to do with me than with the other.

 

That's a pretty profound realization. Be proud of yourself for that!

 

So how can this be this great soulmate love, if no one is brave enough to be themselves unconditionally?

 

It can't be unconditional love if it is more important to mirror back to your AP the perfect personna they wish to see, then to be yourself.

 

And what is wrong with being ultra honest?

 

Just ask Bent!

[bentnotbroken]

That's a pretty profound realization. Be proud of yourself for that!

 

So how can this be this great soulmate love, if no one is brave enough to be themselves unconditionally?

 

It can't be unconditional love if it is more important to mirror back to your AP the perfect personna they wish to see, then to be yourself.

 

And what is wrong with being ultra honest?

 

Just ask Bent!

 

 

I get put on the naughty step...a lot.

[findingnemo]

Sure....she didn't cry, rage, or hurt in front of him. While I am sure she had to have felt all those feelings after 1.5 year affair with he alluding to a future together, she never expressed anything but care, kindness and concern that he be happy. As if she didn't deserve more from him! She did!

 

She was also frightened of the potential fall out as they worked together and she not only needed the job, but had a vindictive xH she was suing over assets. But hey, she, he should have thought about all that before they engaged in the affair instead of convincing themselves I and our children would not care.

 

The ramifications of the discovery becoming public for HER would be horrible. So she retreated...less texts, calling, etc. while she waited to see what I would do. I did nothing, except wish him well.

 

While noble, I believe you can be too "nice"; she subjugated her true feelings to make him feel better about his own confusion, hoping he would choose her.

 

She should have been hurling plates and epithets like I was doing! She had a right to do so. Not giving him a place to stay and folding his laundry and extending friendship by asking how his reconciliation was going.

 

She should have had the courage of her own convictions and owned her actions and answered my empathetic phone calls and told he how much she loved him!

 

I expected that! And would have respected that!

 

But she hid her inner diva for a MM who is now crying at her kitchen table about how he wants to go home and she.....empathizes with him? WTH??!

 

Sometimes, a selfish man only respects a 2x4 to the head and a real verbal azz-whooping, not a run, hide, retreat, and be nice at the expense of her own emotions.

 

People treat and respect us only as well as we treat and respect ourselves.

 

OMG Spark... Finally a reaction that makes sense!!! Although OWs are to blame for having Rs with MMs what I don't understand is why they don't stand up for themselves when confronted. I am not saying they should attack BS. But when confronted, defend your position!!! I second the 2x4..

[neveragain1]

I'm just curious..has anyone ever fought the wife (spouse) of the person they are dating and won? If you did, how did things turn out.

 

I've actually known 2 women that were having affairs and they did break up a marriage and then married the guy they had the affair with. Both women ended up with incredible loss. One woman had been a homeowner w stable credit and the husband she stole ended up causing her to lose this. The other woman ended up being cheated on by the guy she had cheated with.

 

I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around so thats why when my separated bf said that his wife wanted him back, I let him go with very little fight. I don't have the energy to fight a wife.

 

I'm just curious to see if anyone has fought the wife and what was the outcome?

 

I wasn't aware it was a contest with you people.

[lovingwhatis]

That's a pretty profound realization. Be proud of yourself for that!

 

So how can this be this great soulmate love, if no one is brave enough to be themselves unconditionally?

 

It can't be unconditional love if it is more important to mirror back to your AP the perfect personna they wish to see, then to be yourself.

 

And what is wrong with being ultra honest?

 

Just ask Bent!

 

Thanks, Spark. I appreciate the kind words! They are coming on a day when im contemplating everything, lots of unacknowledged emotions(not just related to this) life is strange.. Im tired of pretending to know what things mean anymore. And there is the fear of remaining alone.. We choose things to the best of our ability, and no one guarantees a happy ending.

[Carrot2000]

There is no contest between a wife and some OW. This thread has been created to "ruffle feathers".

 

Nah, the inflammatory post is not SunsetRed's style. I think the point of this thread was to find out if anyone knew of situations where an OW was successful in getting a MM to end his marriage only to find out he was far from a being a prince.

[SunsetRed]

Carrot is right.......it's not SunsetRed's style to provoke.

Distant has a thing himself for provoking.

 

 

Thank you. No, I am not trying to ruffle feathers at all. I'm still contemplating my relationship w xMM. My latest attempt to move on and date someone else has caused me to miss xMM even more.

 

The last time I had contact w him was Nov. He then said that he wouldn't have gone back to her if I'd put up a fight to keep him. He said I let him go too easy. I did..as soon as he came to me and said "the wife wants me to move back home" I simply said "ok, I'm not standing in your way"

 

He says I should have moved him into my place and let him live here (rent free) while he got his stuff in order with the wife. The wife had begun using her power as a wife to say that they couldn't get divorced because the kids needed this, the house needed that yada yada. I decided not to fight it..I knew it was a fight that would never be over and I wanted my dignity.

 

I was thinking too that maybe he and the wife needed one more dose of each other before they call it quits (if they do quit). I was thinking that maybe one day he'd come back clean and free. I'm still living as if he's not coming back, I am dating others it's just that the others I've met so far are making me miss him more.