Velvet46 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I've been reading these forums for sometime and there's obviously lots of support. I want to tell my story and ask for help and advice from you wonderful people. I'm so sorry this is so long but I need to tell you everything. I've been happily married for 22 years and have two sons aged 19 and 13. My husband is a kind man, a good husband and wonderful father and has never done anything to hurt me. He works away (two weeks at home and then two weeks away) and has done for last 11 years. Let me take you back to New Year's Eve three years ago. I was at home with my youngest and a friend and her three children, H was away at work. Two hours after the stroke of midnight, my friend and I heard a noise outside and looked out the window. To cut a long story very short, we witnessed youths attacking a man who subsequently died in my arms as I was trying to save him. To say this event changed my life is the understatement of the year. I had to go to court as a witness to testify and apart from the event itself, I can honestly say this was the worst experience of my life. The next morning H rang to wish me Happy New Year and I told him what happened. He said "Do you want me to come home?". I said no, I'll be OK. He didn't come home, and everytime I heard my front door open I was sure it would be him, to hold me, tell me everything would be alright, but he never came....... Eighteen months ago a chap I used to go to school with 35 years ago contacted me via friends reunited. We never dated although I was always aware that he liked me. We exchanged a few emails and one night when I was alone I told him about the events of New Year's Eve. Well, the reply I received from him astounded me! It was like he knew what was inside my head - it was a long email but here's an extract: "We glide through life unaware of how precious, and fragile, it is; until something comes along to destroy our illusions. I've had a few moments myself (nothing as dramatic as yours) that have rocked me to my core. The dust settles, time passes and you endure. You can't let this eat you up, though. You must find meaning in this meaningless act of horror. It will, probably never leave you...but you cannot let it destroy you or it will be two lives lost to that fateful night. I'll always remember you as "[my nickname]"; my happy-go-lucky blond bombshell. This horrific event may have shaken your faith in this World but for your sake, and for those you love, you cannot give in and turn your back on life. Love, as in all things, will find a way. These are the times that shape and define us; live through them and destiny will open it’s arms to us. Welcoming us in with insight and love...and promises of brighter days and better times. No more tears now...only smiles. Life sits waiting for us to live it, right or wrong, good or bad, smiles or tears...we are who we are because that is what it makes of us. Yes, you are brave, and that bravery sits well with you. I’m no expert, but I think with closure will come a brighter day, a better time...smiles not tears." He touched me in a way that I've never been touched before and he has been in my life ever since. He lives 300 miles away but I travel once a month with work so we always manage to meet up. He is married (unhappily) and has two children aged 15 and 11. I've never done anything like before and I am completely racked with guilt for my H. He doesn't deserve this (nobody does) and we've always said to eachother "if you meet anyone else, tell me - please don't do anything behind my back". But that's exactly what I'm doing and I can barely live with myself. We're going to leave our partners, we know it's not going to be rainbows and lollipops and it's going to inflict incredible pain on the people we love. I cannot imagine sitting down and crushing my H's world (and that of my children) but I must - I love this man beyond comprehension. Hopefully it will be the promise of a new beginning, a rebirth of hope for a time when all eyes will see and not judge, all voices will praise and not condemn and all hearts will accept and not hate. Thank you for listening.......
Chula Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 The next morning H rang to wish me Happy New Year and I told him what happened. He said "Do you want me to come home?". I said no, I'll be OK. He didn't come home, and everytime I heard my front door open I was sure it would be him, to hold me, tell me everything would be alright, but he never came....... Thank you for listening....... I'm sorry to hear about the horrific experience you had. Witnessing such an act would be truly life changing. If only your H could have read your mind that New Years Day.... If only you had told your H, "yes, please come home - I need you to hold me and tell me everything will be alright". Velvet46 - We can't expect that people will just know what we need if we don't tell them. Even those that are supposed to know us and love us most are not mind-readers. I hope there's more to the story than this one incidence of your H's insensitivity - otherwise it is a way sadder story than I thought. You said H has given you "22 years of happiness, is a kind man, good husband and wonderful father and has never done anything to hurt" you. Try to forgive your H for not intuitively knowing what he needed to do to that day - you told him not to come home and that you were ok, after all. Live long in the comfort of your new man's beautiful words, but consider the shattered lives that you and OM will be leaving in your wake, (your husband, your children, OM's wife, his children, just to name a few...) all because your H was not able to meet your unspoken needs that horrible day. If you do this, do it quickly and be gone. Set H free to find another who will respect him, love him and accept him despite his inability to mind-read.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 We're going to leave our partners, we know it's not going to be rainbows and lollipops and it's going to inflict incredible pain on the people we love. I cannot imagine sitting down and crushing my H's world (and that of my children) but I must - I love this man beyond comprehension. Hopefully it will be the promise of a new beginning, a rebirth of hope for a time when all eyes will see and not judge, all voices will praise and not condemn and all hearts will accept and not hate. Thank you for listening....... Look, if you wanted your husband to come home and take care of you... It's your job to tell him! You cannot hold anyone accountable for not reading your mind. I'm certain this same issue is going on all over your relationship.... constantly pissed because he doesn't just do what you want without having to tell him. I had my grandmother die in my arms. I had nobody to provide emotional support. It can be hard. As for the affair. If you are unhappy... leave! Leave now! Get off the fence sit down with your hard working H and tell him that it's over. I would be pretty shocked if your cheating sleazeball BF does the same though. I doubt he will leave his wife. What you are doing is bad, but it's fixable. Just end your marriage, you don't have to tell him about the affair... just end it.
TigerCub Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 He touched me in a way that I've never been touched before and he has been in my life ever since. He lives 300 miles away but I travel once a month with work so we always manage to meet up. He is married (unhappily) and has two children aged 15 and 11. I've never done anything like before and I am completely racked with guilt for my H. He doesn't deserve this (nobody does) and we've always said to eachother "if you meet anyone else, tell me - please don't do anything behind my back". But that's exactly what I'm doing and I can barely live with myself. hmmm, why don't you do the part in bold? I mean you and your H had an understanding and that was something you both agreed on. Look, from what I see and read, marriages fall apart - it happens. But after 22 years, him being a good father and a good husband, don't you think he deserves the dignity of knowing about what's going on - knowing that you're going to leave (to at least be prepared for it)? I can't imagine the position you're in right now, but honestly, he's going to find out anyways, when you leave him - I think the least you can do is keep the promise you made to him not to lie and play him for a fool. Let him have some dignity. Furthermore, you have a child under 18 still - you will need to interact with you H after you leave him for another man - the way you 2 interact depends on how things ended (I would assume) - be smart about this, don't make you younger child's life hell because you treated his dad like crap. If you want to leave, leave - just give the father of your children a little dignity and stop lying to him - at least keep THAT promise.
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Sorry to be mean, but the two things that jump out at me are: He said "Do you want me to come home?". I said no, I'll be OK. He didn't come home, and everytime I heard my front door open I was sure it would be him, to hold me, tell me everything would be alright, but he never came... And: I've never done anything like before and I am completely racked with guilt for my H. He doesn't deserve this (nobody does) and we've always said to each other "if you meet anyone else, tell me - please don't do anything behind my back". But that's exactly what I'm doing and I can barely live with myself. Poeple can't read your mind, you know. I mean, come on. Real life doesn't work like a movie, or a storybook. There are real people with real feelings at stake in your life. Do your husband a favor and just break up with him.
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Precisely. The only outcome is going to be heartbreak for all concerned. THINK before you act.
Linda9999 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Have you read the book The 5 Love Languages? I just finished it last night and I think every married person should read it. Your story sounds so much like many of the examples in that book. One thing it says is that the average 'in love' period is two years, then things don't look so rosy any more in a relationship. You are 'in love' with this new man, but how long do you think it will be before things with him are not so great? You have invested over 20 years with your husband. Is that really worth throwing away? Although it may be too late. You need to tell your husband what's been going on, and he may well just get rid of you at that point. As a betrayed spouse I can assure you that you are NOT doing him any favors by keeping this secret.
East7 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Hi Velvet, thanks for sharing your story. One thing I would tell you is "dont to start an affair!". I had one with a childhood crush and it is heart-ripping to have an A with someone you know since 20 or 30 years. You or him will eventually stay with the spouse and you will both end up emotionally devastated. Nothing can guarantee you that he will leave his wife for you. The only proper way out is to divorce and to start a new life whether OM wants or not to be in your new life. Don't make plans based on someone's else decision as you might get badly disappointed. If you think your marriage is dead, better end it than starting an affair.
ver13 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 There has to be more to this than your leting on to. I just retired after having spent 23 yrs in the Army as an infantrymen and during that time I have been through some life altering events. In many instances my W of 20 yrs could only stand by because I was the one going through the changes not her. There were times when I was angry at her because she could not seem to lend enough support, which of course I never told her that I needed. I talked to many different people about alot of this and many had wonderful words of inspiration. But it never crossed my mind to have an affair with them. You see one thing that I realized once I truly started to dig into myself was I was the one feeling the emotions not her and I was the one who didn't communicate 100% not her. I hear you saying the OM touched your soul, but in reality you held resentment at your H because of something that you failed to do and now your leaving. Look if you need to leave your H do it because you don't love him anymore or you want to be free after so many years together to find out who you are. But remember one thing when you hang out with the OM the next time no matter what you both say everything that you are doing is based off of deception. Your H sounds like a solid guy who has stood by your family though joy and pain at least give him and your family the respect that they deserve and be honest.
What_Next Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Just remember this (and I REALLY, REALLY HOPE these words come back to chomp a massive piece out of you a$$), "If they'll cheat WITH you, they'll cheat ON you". Your post is one of the most self serving pieces of drivel that I've ever had the misfortune to read. I hope your husband nails you to the wall. You don't expect things to be rainbows and happiness? Well I for one hope you go down in flames. It's people like you that disgust me. You're a selfish person that only cares about themselves. At least make it quick and painless so your husband go move on to find someone he deserves. You and your AP deserve each other and all the misery you've brought into the lives of those around you. Maybe he's not so unhappily married and when he is done using you he dumps you like yesterdays garbage, ahh wouldn't that be FANTASTIC. Moderators, sorry but this person needs to be told.
ver13 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Just remember this (and I REALLY, REALLY HOPE these words come back to chomp a massive piece out of you a$$), "If they'll cheat WITH you, they'll cheat ON you". Your post is one of the most self serving pieces of drivel that I've ever had the misfortune to read. I hope your husband nails you to the wall. You don't expect things to be rainbows and happiness? Well I for one hope you go down in flames. It's people like you that disgust me. You're a selfish person that only cares about themselves. At least make it quick and painless so your husband go move on to find someone he deserves. You and your AP deserve each other and all the misery you've brought into the lives of those around you. Maybe he's not so unhappily married and when he is done using you he dumps you like yesterdays garbage, ahh wouldn't that be FANTASTIC. Moderators, sorry but this person needs to be told. This works for me as well... tough luv is needed every now and then.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Did you ever seek counselling for what you went through? How awful and tramatic! This MM has you pegged and swooped in as you were at a vunerable place in your life. Those feelings he awoke in you, what are they based on? Please think about it..... So, you're basically ending your marriage, breaking up your family unit, to start a new life with someone else. What if your MM changes his mind? Let's say you leave your husband and divorce, and MM can't leave his wife? Are you okay with being alone? Losing all that you have in your life now? If yes, then proceed on the divorce. Set your H free so he can move on and find a woman who will love only him. If no, and you plan on wanting your H back if MM doesn't leave his wife, then you need to counselling NOW to figure things out. Sorry, but I think you're in a total fog and aren't thinking clearly. You are going to turn your kids lives upside down for someone you've had an affair with, based on feelings hidden and in an affair setting. Be prepared to lose your kids in this process as there's no way your H will allow you to move your kids in with the MM. Please, go to counselling. Making this decision without thinking things through is going to mess up so many lives.
tisthelife Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I may be new to the boards/forums here, but I know a cheat when I see one. Not trying to be rude, but someone like myself, whose marriage was cut short because of almost the same scenario - will call them like I see them. The only firm ground you've got to stand on right now is the fact that no one can put a stop to what their emotions are saying to them day to day. I do think that you're making a huge mistake - but you're the one who seemingly has already made up their minds. As far as respect goes, you'll lose a lot of it. From your friends, your family and most importantly - down the road, you'll lose respect for yourself.
kuma Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 The next morning H rang to wish me Happy New Year and I told him what happened. He said "Do you want me to come home?". I said no, I'll be OK. He didn't come home, and everytime I heard my front door open I was sure it would be him, to hold me, tell me everything would be alright, but he never came....... You can't blame your husband for that. He asked you if you wanted him to come home and you said 'no'. You should have talked to your husband about it.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Like a lot of (ridiculous) women, she expected him to read her mind. There, I fixed that for you. OP, this is pure escape from trauma. Truly truly you haven't worked out the incident in your mind and have probably been in a fog until someone addressed it, even slightly. Then you had feelings again. I know what it is like to be so traumatized that you feel completely blank. I also know that you get to a point where you don't care what behaviour you do to feel something, you just do it. Like survival mode. This affair probably started in survival mode, and now you've bought the story. Try to look at this somewhat logically. A companion of 22 years and two children vs. An old friend you haven't seen in ages that you now encounter once a month. You know what? Let's take husband out of the equation for a second. The way you have rekindled things with this man have more then an incredibly high chance of failing, do yourself a favor and stop. You must know that this "relationship" did not start with a healthy framework and so without doing tremendous work on yourself and your issues, it isn't going to end up being healthy. Your OM is also betraying a wife, regardless of the fact that you are also betraying your husband, your OM is not a trustworthy individual. Sure you share a kinship, and he may even understand you. But I do fail to realize why you must give up your personal integrity for that, crawl into bed with him and destroy (oh yes it will utterly destroy, don't kid yourself) two families. Get yourself some help before it is too late.
neveragain1 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 We're going to leave our partners, we know it's not going to be rainbows and lollipops and it's going to inflict incredible pain on the people we love. but they will be better off without you, whether they know it or not. I cannot imagine sitting down and crushing my H's world (and that of my children) but I must - I love this man beyond comprehension. until the next man that comes along that gets you all giddy.
neveragain1 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Two families are about to be destroyed. So what will you do? Move 300 miles away from your children? hopefully this is exactly what she does. Don't know how old her children are, but it would be incredibly selfish, if these aren't adult children, for her to pick up and move the kids 300 miles away from their father when SHE is the one that f##### around.
neveragain1 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 You can't blame your husband for that. He asked you if you wanted him to come home and you said 'no'. You should have talked to your husband about it. well I'd hate to think this ONE incident is what she is trying to use as an excuse for feeling the way she does. this wasn't just about one incident. she desired an affair regardless.
Woman In Blue Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Not sure if the OP will be coming back to post any further after this roasting, but I'm with the rest of the respondents. Stop blaming your husband for your affair, number one. Are you honestly going to try and lay YOUR bad behavior down on his front doorstep? Unreal. Secondly, your married "boyfriend" had all night to concoct his lame little philisophical email dissertation in answer to your trauma - probably while his WIFE was tending to their kids, doing a load of laundry, and dealing with all the other household chores that need to be done in the course of an evening. Maybe this Robert Frost Wannabe should consider spending less time acting like a horse's ass on the computer and a little MORE time being a contributing member to his own household. For that fact alone, he gets an epic FAIL. And lastly, don't hold your breath waiting for Romeo to leave his wife when it's rainbow and lollypop time. Ain't gonna happen. Most men don't leave. They're chickensh*its. The only way he'll leave that house is on a stretcher with a tag around his big toe. He's enjoying Fantasy Land and he's going to continue enjoying it as long as you provide it - but you have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus if you think he's honestly going to leave his wife and kids and set up house with you. And I'd be willing to bet you'll continue using your husband as a safety net and staying right at home playing the happy wife while you wait year after year after year after year after year after year for your MM to leave. If that IS your game plan, then I guess your husband will never know what your plans were, because it ain't gonna happen. But good luck with that.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 First, we'll start off with the fact that I am actually in agreement with you, why you didn't garner the fact that I believe infidelity is bull**** from my post I don't get, but I'll continue on... I never asked you to. Just being helpful. I think about 10-20% of women expect their men to be mind readers, it's passive aggressive bs. Some Men pull the same ****. It's not a pure escape from trauma. She knows what she's doing is wrong. Oh no doubt, but she is probably doing something so completely against any sense because she us trying to escape some pain. Usually cheating requires the cheater to divorce reality and convince themselves that they are hard done by in some way or that the "opportunity" was too "special" to pass up. I would say that having a guy die in your arms would probably help your already impaired judgment to seek some justification for actions. If she's already predisposed to poor judgment or has a weak self-identity, then yes any trauma could easily knock her into pain-escape survival mode, believing that this person is the answer to alleviating her pain. Messing with someone else's wife, and cheating on her husband isn't anywhere near survival mode. More like selfish mode. Going that far off of your nut has to come from somewhere. She's still responsible for it, but that doesn't make it any saner. Too late for that. The damage is already done. Some damage can bs repaired. I am a BS. It is ****ty but not impossible. Real friends don't mess with each others spouses, and obviously she didn't care about her marriage enough to cheat. That's why I pointed out the obvious flaw in her logic, trading in a 22 year marriage for a monthly fantasy with OM is a really borked move on her part. You know what? Let's leave the husband and the betrayed wife in the equation. They're the ones who are hurt. the only reason I drew this point was to show her that even if she was single, this relationship is starting with a ridiculously flawed template and unhealthy expectations. I try not to be a moralist to many posters (I have in the past) I try to be more of a realist, showing some posters why logically their flawed thinking will fail them as well. Maybe that might bs enough to encourage them to stop hurting others, maybe..... She knows it isn't healthy, yet she's still going through with it. She doesn't care about nobody else's feelings except hers. something strongly tells me that she can't even make sense of her own feelings. Being passive-aggressive and then being conflict-avoidant and cheating doesn't exactly tell me that she has a whole ton of self and other knowledge. Most healthy people know AND can express to their spouse something simple like asking them to come home. Neither is she. (and if I say to her "you are not being trustworthy" she may mentally say "duh." if I point out that the OM is not exactly presenting the picture of honesty, it may make her think "oh yeah, I am getting INVOLVED with a CHEATER" as well. All he understands is that he wants her for sex. And she's foolish to think he will actually leave his wife (still doesn't make him any better). Hence the point: no matter how you are feeling, the logic is flawed, and it will screw the OP in the end, not in the fun way she thinks either. She will also bring down two families in the process.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Your post is full of justifications for her callous behavior. Yes, I covered off reasons why she might be acting out k. Thus behavior. I also covered off the facts she may have overlooked and the consequences of them. There is no point in simply shaming someone, it just makes them stick their head in the sand and essentially say "I'm not listening to you, you don't understand, you are just angry." It might be pretty tempting to do, but it doesn't help anyone pull their head out if their butt. So I give possible reasons, justifications, excuses etc, and take them apart bit by bit. That's just how I try to frame things. (not always though). I would think it would be more important for OP to consider her own perspective and stop thinking only about the happy, rosy part of her relationship and stop but not in a "I gave up everything for my kids" victi Type of way. But rather realizing that it will be destructive for everyone including herself in the end. The fact is not flawed. The OP is already screwed by doing this, and there is no absolute guarantee that the WH will actually leave his own W. In the end, no matter what card she plays, she'll still lose the game so enough with the pointlessness. She knows what she's doing and doesn't care. She's probably like everyone else that cheats, she thinks somehow that it's "different" or "special." WH will 95% not leave his W. No kidding, but where she is at is: "our relationship is different, we have a special connection, you don't understand." I think just about anyone in this situation would care if they were looking back after it was done. affairs are an incredibly poor investment, they very very rarely pay off. (not to mention all of the moral and damaging implications.) If she can't here for advice there is something about the situation that us nagging at her.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Glad we agree:) Cheating doesn't solve anything and makes many things worse.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Remember the the story about how it takes a thief to catch a thief. In the same vein it takes a Player to catch a Player. He is a smooth operator. Do you think that these words just magically appeared from the mists of his mind as his fingers danced over the keyboard? "Like he knew . . ." Yes he did, you have a past together, so he knew which lines to use. Talk about how fragile and precious life can be, and how in the short time we have on this planet to grab for all that we can (My Line) "I've had a few moments myself (but not as bad as yours) - Again, my line, used in almost every seduction as it gets us on the same page, even though mine would be made up on the spot, if you ever questioned for details. By their reaction, and then carefully listening to them I knew it wouldn't be long before I could hang their panties on my aerial "I will always remember you as (fill in the blank) (One of my better lines) "These are the times that shape and define us" Totally mine, taken from a Winston Churchill speech) You have been played. You were only a conquest. He has marriage problems, because he is an accomplished serial cheater. You are only in his area for a short time, enough to get his rocks off, I would bet that if you moved there, it would not be long before you would begin to hear rumors. The proof will be in the pudding, has he filed for divorce so he can marry you? If not go cold and wait for it to happen. In the meantime, start communicating with your husband, he is the one you chose to marry, and there was a reason, you chose him over the OM years ago. YOU ARE BEING PLAYED
What_Next Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Heck, why lift her fog, most of us realize she's being played like a fool. I for one would LOVE to be a fly on the wall when he throws her aside like an old worn out shoe and she is left wondering "what happened". You think he is going to leave his wife, now that is so very funny. Will she come back and post? Of course not, why would she? None of that aren't under an affair fog are agreeing with her. Who wants to lay odds that her OM has done this before?
PollyIvy Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I don't think it's so obvious that you are being a fool. You say your husband is a good man, and it sounds like you respect who he is, but you don't tell us what your relationship with him is like, or if there is still any love there. People also assume that your OM would never leave his wife, and that you would have to move to where he is. Marriages end. And relationships that start as affairs are not always necessarily doomed. The thing here is the children... eek...
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