WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Each person/scenario/situation...a decision has to be made. As for the OP. He made his decision. Way Back When! I'm sorry truly that it's come back now & he can't get past it. And she made the decision also, yet she's still unremorseful and probably cheated some more. Side Note Not that it matters - Just clarifying: You're correct, it is irrelevant because you are not a betrayed spouse. Trying to use your marital problems to justify cheating is immature, and holds no weight.
WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Whether a BS stays in a marriage where infidelity has occurred or divorces their WS...the important thing is that the BS is able to move forward and gain seem peace. Move forward on their own time. Silk seems to have done that as have countless others here who have "moved on" after infidelity. Good for her and those who have been able to heal no matter what happened to their marriages. And then there are some betrayed spouses who are just in complete deniability. Yes it's good for her, but trashing this guy's feelings is uncalled for just because he's a man. I see that on this board all the time. When a man, especially a betrayed husband, speaks his feelings he gets crapped on and told he needs to get over what his woman did to him.
WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 And I disagree that the peace doesn't come completely. I think it does. Well of course you do because you're not a betrayed spouse. If it's been discussed & decisions have been made then it's time to move on. Not on a cheater's watch. To me the OP makes it sound like he's still beating a dead horse. That's only you twisting the story. What you're asking in life is impossible. Mental images & thoughts are an uncontrollable emotion in everyone! What he's saying is not impossible. Mental images and thoughts can be controlled. Just like an adult who decides to act like a little brat and cheat. They're still responsible for their actions. You're saying then that any woman you were EVER WITH before you even got married.......You NEVER think about? On ANY level whatsoever?: Come on - Be real. How about that hottie at work? How about the woman at the grocery store........Sheesh....... (Men & Women alike THINK about those things & people) If you had thoughts of other women that you dated before you married your wife then I suppose that means that you were cheating on your wife. You're going off topic. This is about infidelity and no betrayed spouse should put up with some cheater still pining for their OM/OW.
Snowflower Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Move forward on their own time. Yes, I agree 100% and this timeframe is individual to each BS. And then there are some betrayed spouses who are just in complete deniability. Yes it's good for her, but trashing this guy's feelings is uncalled for just because he's a man. I see that on this board all the time. When a man, especially a betrayed husband, speaks his feelings he gets crapped on and told he needs to get over what his woman did to him. Really? So some BS's are completely in denial because they have healed from the trauma? That's a new one. I don't think Silk was saying that he needs to get over it. Sheesh, I can't imagine most people, much less a fellow BS, telling another BS to just get over it, KWIM? I don't even think the OP/WS posters on this thread were telling the OP to just get over it but rather, figure out how to handle the trauma in some type of healthy, productive way. The "you have to get over it" phrase is a powder-keg around here because it can mean so many different things to different people. I'm not Silktricks, but I think what she was saying is that it has been 20 years for this guy. Why is this still coming up? The guy is clearly hurting and unhappy. Something wasn't handled right all those years ago and now all these ensuing years have been wasted. It's a shame really.
WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Really? So some BS's are completely in denial because they have healed from the trauma? That's a new one. Exactly because some never healed from it in the first place. I don't think Silk was saying that he needs to get over it. Sheesh, I can't imagine most people, much less a fellow BS, telling another BS to just get over it, KWIM? I don't even think the OP/WS posters on this thread were telling the OP to just get over it but rather, figure out how to handle the trauma in some type of healthy, productive way. Read her posts. That's exactly what she said. The "you have to get over it" phrase is a powder-keg around here because it can mean so many different things to different people. The phrase is nothing but ignorance. I'm not Silktricks, but I think what she was saying is that it has been 20 years for this guy. Why is this still coming up? The guy is clearly hurting and unhappy. Something wasn't handled right all those years ago and now all these ensuing years have been wasted. It's a shame really. Why do you think he came here in the first place? Because his wife is unremorseful. She never showed true remorse but you're right, all those years have been wasted...
Stateandbroadway Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 My wife had an affair 20+ years ago. To this day she still calls it a "mistake" and like being in a state of denial she has never shown any true regret and remorse for the upset and hurt that her betrayal caused to my feelings. As such, the heeling process has never taken its proper course. Her 'mistake' happened 9 years into our marriage and while 8 months pregnant with our second child. She was befriended in a "chance meeting situation" by a guy/predator (I wont call him a man) and they enjoyed lots on telephone chats together, where he flattered and wooed her. They waited several weeks after their initial quick drink in a local bar and phone chats before meeting up again - while I babysat - for full on sex together (without a condom) at his flat. This was during the period when she was still breast feeding our child. I never saw her affair coming, so her confession came as an immense shock. This 'bombshell' confession arrived 11 months after their second and final meeting (our first child was still an infant and new arrival less than a year old). In my mind then as it is now are all the lies she told, remembering the times when the home phone would cut-out when I answered it, my knowing that my family, friends and work colleagues knew about her affair, the humiliation this caused, the immediate loss of trust and respect (which took years to rebuild) and the accumulated effect of all this led me to have a mini-nervous breakdown. I'm not looking for any sympathy here, this is just a true reflection of events and perhaps why people in a similar situation should seek help. Before and during the time of her affair my wife told me that she loved me and likewise I loved her 100%. Then and now I think back at our hand holding in hospital when she gave birth to our second child, all the while she was having an affair with a stranger (who she physically only met twice). All these years on this terrible episode is never distant from my mind, just parked up somewhere close by... We have never taken the counselling route...because it was a "mistake, never to be repeated" she told me. So what's the point? From the moment of hearing her news I quickly realised that I had NO alternative but to PUSH this shocking situation to the back of my mind, to distance myself from my wider family and close friends...etc - which I have done for the most part for many years (decades!) and to work at making our marriage succeed. We have both given it our all and we have for the main part been a very happy couple and family. However the shock and hurt does not fade, it simply hides and re-emerges unannounced and unchallenged. My wife has never got her head around "my problem", she feels that I should forget about her mistake and stop bringing the matter-up. Which is bloody difficult when the crystal clear memory reappears and literally takes over my mind, which as I'm getting older the 'triggers' are becoming more acute and can be activated through the simplest of things ~ certain songs, places, people (friends/family) being mentioned, arrival of Birthday/Xmas cards, his Christian name, the time of the year, etc, etc. When 'triggered' sadness descends and my only solace is "try and get a grip" and to think of all the good times and when alone to wish upon the 'guy' the level of torment that he has caused me (and indirectly to my family) and that he - who I'm still keeping tracks on - suffers a slow painful and untimely death. Can any of you relate to my plight? This is horrible. Oh boy you both really need counseling. Make the appointment and tell her to show up. Do not ASK! Tell her she can pooh pooh the counselour as much as she wants - but that you need her to go. Tell her she can sit there stone faced and tight lipped but you need her to go.
confusedinkansas Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) In case anyone else hadn't noticed this OP has posted on several different forum threads about the very same thing. My guess is..... (Only My Opinion)........... ......... is that he's just wallowing in his own self pity regarding this issue. IF he were to take the bull by the horns & actually DO something - then he wouldn't have anything to complain about anymore. If Ya Katch My Drift............. He's being a martyr. Looking for Sympathy - Which he is getting TONS OF! He (IMO) Needs to SH*T or Get Off The Pot. He's a Classic Fence Sitter. ..............Wants to change things, wants things changed - Has no power to change them. He's doing the same thing/behavior over & over again & hoping for different results. OR.........Has anyone thought of this scenario. He's found someone else & is now using his wife's affair 20 years ago as an out to the marriage?? He forgave her 20 years ago but now, Low & Behold.....he's found someone & all of the sudden what he forgave is the biggest deal on the planet. So he badgers & badgers her thinking maybe she'll leave him - then hewon't be the bad guy & can get on with a new life? Just a thought. Many & Me Included have suggested for him to leave the marriage. My guess is that he won't do that. He'll wait for her to do it. If it were my husband & he pushed this hard, 20 years later, I'd leave. He's not been back to this thread for a while... Edited March 11, 2011 by confusedinkansas
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 In case anyone else hadn't noticed this OP has posted on several different forum threads about the very same thing. My guess is..... (Only My Opinion)........... ......... is that he's just wallowing in his own self pity regarding this issue. IF he were to take the bull by the horns & actually DO something - then he wouldn't have anything to complain about anymore. You view it that way because you were never betrayed. And he posted in different places, probably because he wanted better advice instead of folks telling him to get over it. If Ya Katch My Drift............. He's being a martyr. Looking for Sympathy - Which he is getting TONS OF! He (IMO) Needs to SH*T or Get Off The Pot. He's a Classic Fence Sitter. ..............Wants to change things, wants things changed - Has no power to change them. He's doing the same thing/behavior over & over again & hoping for different results. And his wife needs to be divorced. You say he's a classic fence sitter, yet his wife is a unremorseful cheater. OR.........Has anyone thought of this scenario. He's found someone else & is now using his wife's affair 20 years ago as an out to the marriage?? He forgave her 20 years ago but now, Low & Behold.....he's found someone & all of the sudden what he forgave is the biggest deal on the planet. So he badgers & badgers her thinking maybe she'll leave him - then hewon't be the bad guy & can get on with a new life? Just a thought. You dream too much. Many & Me Included have suggested for him to leave the marriage. You heartlessly told him to get over it. 20 years later, I'd leave. Hell if I was the husband, I'd be so glad. He's not been back to this thread for a while... For obvious reasons....
confusedinkansas Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 You view it that way because you were never betrayed. Wrong again. And his wife needs to be divorced. You say he's a classic fence sitter, yet his wife is a unremorseful cheater. Quite possibly true. I haven't read her rebuttal. You dream too much. Not really. It's just food for thought. There are many folks that come here on a daily basis & tell half of a story or leave tiny pieces of the puzzle out of the equasion. I'm just weighing all the odds. Yes, I did say he needs to get over it. The reason being it was 20 freakin' years ago. He forgave her then - So WHY is it NOW eating at him so badly that he's having such difficulty in life? Hmmm? We don't have that answer do we?
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Wrong again. I'm right again. Quite possibly true. I haven't read her rebuttal. It is true. Not really. It's just food for thought. There are many folks that come here on a daily basis & tell half of a story or leave tiny pieces of the puzzle out of the equasion. I'm just weighing all the odds. Nope, just trying to pull something out of the sky to put in the discussion. Yes, I did say he needs to get over it. And cheaters need to grow up. The reason being it was 20 freakin' years ago. He forgave her then - So WHY is it NOW eating at him so badly that he's having such difficulty in life? Hmmm? So what if it was 20 freaking years ago. The reason why it's still a problem is because she's unremorseful. We don't have that answer do we? You just refuse to see it.
confusedinkansas Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) So what if it was 20 freaking years ago. The reason why it's still a problem is because she's unremorseful.. So a wife is unremorseful for 20 years & you're sticking up for a guy that stuck around for that long & let this eat at him day in & day out? For 20 years he's been carrying this around with him .... woah is me for 20 years of my life.....wasted away.....& you're telling me he's not a martyr. Holy Cow. If he really has been carrying this around ALL THIS TIME he sure is acting like a martyr. AND - IF he really feels this way & it's been in the forefront of his mine for 20 years - I feel sorry for him. But I doubt this is true..... I'll stick with my original assumption. Something has happened / either a new love or life changes or something else has brought this on AGAIN after he'd already forgiven her 20 some odd years ago. Sad really. Yes Neveragain.....She is a fence sitter as well however, she's not part of this conversation & can't defend herself - so I don't mention her. No point in it really Edited March 11, 2011 by confusedinkansas
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 So a wife is unremorseful for 20 years & you're sticking up for a guy that stuck around for that long & let this eat at him day in & day out? Yes I am. Better than defending a 304 who cheated while pregnant with the man's kid, then still be unremorseful for her stupid actions. For 20 years he's been carrying this around with him .... woah is me for 20 years of my life.....wasted away.....& you're telling me he's not a martyr. Holy Cow. If he really has been carrying this around ALL THIS TIME he sure is acting like a martyr. AND - IF he really feels this way & it's been in the forefront of his mine for 20 years - I feel sorry for him. For 20 years his wife has been unremorseful. He doesn't have to shut up about it. But I doubt this is true..... Yea well that's nothing new. I'll stick with my original assumption. It never was your original assumption, which is also incorrect. Something has happened / either a new love or life changes or something else has brought this on AGAIN after he'd already forgiven her 20 some odd years ago. Sad really. Yup. Incorrect again, but it is sad really, that a wife can be so heartless for 20 years when asked to show some damn remorse for screwing him over. I'm sure she'd want him to say sorry if he made a mistake and stomped on her painted toes.
Jonah Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Yes I am. Better than defending a 304 who cheated while pregnant with the man's kid, then still be unremorseful for her stupid actions. For 20 years his wife has been unremorseful. He doesn't have to shut up about it. Same postings over and over on all threads. As if all situations are exactly the same. Only seeing black and white, no color, not even shades of gray. Quite boring, useless and a total waste of bandwidth. I can see how someone would grow to despise this holier-than-thou blockhead enough to betray. My bet is on history repeating itself.
WorldIsYours Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Ignorance Same postings over and over on all threads. As if all situations are exactly the same. Only seeing black and white, no color, not even shades of gray. Quite boring, useless and a total waste of bandwidth. Oh excuse me if I don't have the stomach to support cheaters and their selfish thrills. Yup I'm boring because I don't defend cheaters. If I'm so boring why track my posts?:rolleyes: I can see how someone would grow to despise this holier-than-thou blockhead enough to betray. My bet is on history repeating itself. I can see how someone would grow to despise cheaters and their immaturity.
1956cadhain Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I feel your pain Brian, and can relate to everything you are going through. My H cheated 30 years ago, just 5 years into our marriage. The pain NEVER goes away, and like you, I have good days, and bad days. If I hear Dr Hook songs, my mind is instantly transported back to 1980, as H and O/W made a 'special' tape of all their favourite songs, and had no qualms about playing it in my presence. We moved 250 miles away after SHE finished with him, hoping we could leave the past behind us, but to this day I am still haunted by my memories. H memories of the affair have 'conveniently' disappeared, but there are things I need to know if I am to have any peace. O/W is now dead, (and may she rot in hell. I had the great pleasure of visiting her grave just recently). I'm not making excuses for him, but it WAS handed on a plate, and I had been warned by neighbours in my community that she had attempted to break other marriages. I just wish I had listened to those people, and not befriended the tramp. I have tried to communicate with H as I NEED to know things, but he just refuses to talk, saying he has forgotten, or he feels guilty. He cheated again just 10 years ago, but I am pretty certain his 'affair' was one sided, and no sex was involved, but all the same, he betrayed me, and treated me just as badly as he had the first time around. To me it was no less painful the 2nd time. He's a model Husband now, and treats me like a Queen, but I often wonder WHY I allowed myself to stay with my 'love rat', as I am haunted by painful memories, and at times I feel ugly and worthless, and 2nd best. Plus, I'm always looking over my shoulder for number 3!! However, I love him, and tried to imagine life without him. I ask myself regularly, would I prefer life with him, or without him. If ever there comes a time when I feel I cannot live with him anymore, trust me, I will be gone. Try asking yourself the same question Brian. It keeps me going. Good luck, and like me, I hope you too find peace.
confusedinkansas Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 So what if I'm the "Cheater Spokesperson" as you put it. Even those that have cheated deserve to have a voice. Believe it or not, many of us that have had affairs & they are far behind us in our life now - we have insiteful things to add. The difference between you & me is that I see that there are two sides to every story & that everything in life is not black & white. As for the OP here. He is being a martyr if he's carried this around all this time & it has been an unbearable pain for him. Yes, his wife added the pain he is feeling. HOWEVER, he made the decision to stay with her. (which is something y'all are failing to remember) IF for 20 years he's kept asking her over & over about all the details - or whatever else he's asking from her - & he's not gotten the answers he wants or needs - the he should leave. But he's not. He's staying a martyr for whatever reason. We all make decisions in life. We have to learn to live with the decisions we made or CHANGE them. Because he still keeps track of this other man 20 years later......Don't you all think this is a bit obsessive? HE is bringing some of this pain on himself with this behavior. (IMO) My guess is still that she's given him all the answers she can. They're just not good enough for him so he's going to carry this around & carry it over her head until his dying day.....That's just sad!!
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 So what if I'm the "Cheater Spokesperson" as you put it. Even those that have cheated deserve to have a voice. Believe it or not, many of us that have had affairs & they are far behind us in our life now - we have insiteful things to add. The difference between you & me is that I see that there are two sides to every story & that everything in life is not black & white. As for the OP here. He is being a martyr if he's carried this around all this time & it has been an unbearable pain for him. Yes, his wife added the pain he is feeling. HOWEVER, he made the decision to stay with her. (which is something y'all are failing to remember) IF for 20 years he's kept asking her over & over about all the details - or whatever else he's asking from her - & he's not gotten the answers he wants or needs - the he should leave. But he's not. He's staying a martyr for whatever reason. We all make decisions in life. We have to learn to live with the decisions we made or CHANGE them. Because he still keeps track of this other man 20 years later......Don't you all think this is a bit obsessive? HE is bringing some of this pain on himself with this behavior. (IMO) My guess is still that she's given him all the answers she can. They're just not good enough for him so he's going to carry this around & carry it over her head until his dying day.....That's just sad!! Yes, I suppose even the KKK and other nasties deserve lawyers. Boo you for happily signing up for the role. OP is long gone I suspect. However for the interest of future threads... There is no statute of limitations on affairs. If you failed to make up for it or be honest about it 30 years ago... then you will pay today. Life isn't about getting free passes. When you do terrible things you pay the price at some point.
alexandria35 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Oh boy, I'm going to gently tread into the foray here, First of all I totally and absolutely hate cheating. I think it's got to the most terrible and awful thing one person can do to another. It's horrible and the effects are far reaching especially when there are chidren are involved. Okay..I just wanted to get that out there, lest some people think I am defending cheaters..I definitely am not. That being said I tend to agree with silktricks and confusedinkansas. But I think people are actually talking about two different things here. Some are focused on the well being of the original poster and some on focused on the cheating wife. I believe some of the posters here are not concerned with the OP's well being at all, as much as they are concerned with the wife and seeing that she continues to be punished for her misdeeds. Forgiveness is good for the one doing the forgiving, not just the one being forgiven. We all have to make choices in this life and sometimes those choices suck but still we have to choose and then either stand by our decisions and make the best we can of them or take a different path. Take someone who is diagnosed with cancer. That is a terrible terrible thing that nobody asked for and nobody deserves. Still it happens and the diagnosed person is now faced with making choices that they never wanted to have to make. Chemo? Surgery? Death? And the sick person doesn't get to spend the next twenty years being angry at the unfairness of it all and pondering on what they should do. They have to make a decision and stand by it. Or lets take something on much lighter scale. What if you met me twenty years ago and I had a terrible story of being wronged by my employer. I felt lied to, deceived, used and humilated at my job but I really loved my workplace so I was deciding to try to get over it and stay on there. Then twenty years later you bump into me and I tell you that I'm still at that job, but I'm miserable and unhappy because I never could get over the wrong they did me. Wouldn't that make most people kind of scratch their heads and wonder why on earth I chose to stay in a miserable job for twenty years rather than move on and find a better life? What if you asked me why I was staying in a miserable job and my only answers were that it's not my fault I'm miserable, it's all my employers fault. He did me wrong and now I have no choice but to live my life in unforgiveness and unhappiness. Sure I could have left or I could have forgiven but I didn't want to do either of those things. No I just wanted to stay and let my anger fester into bitterness and unhappiness. Now my life sucks and it's not my fault, it's someone elses fault and you better blame that person for my misery too! We are the masters of our lives. No we can't control everything that happens or we sure as heck can't control what other people are going to do but ultimately we are all responsible for our own choices and are own happiness. Somebody might hurt me or do me wrong in some terrible way. If I love the person I might try to forgive them and keep them in my life. But if for whatever reason I just couldn't do it, then I would have to let that person go, for both of our sakes. I just couldn't fathom the thought of spending a lifetime in anger and unhappiness, but if I did choose that, then that would be my choice to make and I really couldn't blame the outcome of that choice on anyone else.
silktricks Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) actually, so do I. I agree he needs to do something. Move on and try to be happy with her, or without her. What I don't agree with is treating him like he is the jerk here and that he is a petty bitcher. the man has feelings and emotions, 20 years ago or not. not me, I'd rather see him move on and divorce her so he can have peace in his life. based on his description of his wife's attitude, that'll never happen. Actually, I agree with you, and I think I was out of line. It's no excuse, but I was having a rather bad time last week (over some other stuff - nothing to do with infidelity, but a lot to do with forgiveness). 20 years can feel like yesterday under the right (or wrong) conditions. So, I deeply apologize to the OP for not providing the support he needs in his situation. Don't get me wrong, I do believe very strongly that if the BS has chosen to forgive that they must work at doing so, but if the WS doesn't show any true contrition, then there's really nothing to work with. I do know (from personal experience), though, that it's the BS's "job" to make sure that the WS understands clearly that whatever they are expressing as contrition isn't cutting it. Edited March 14, 2011 by silktricks
WorldIsYours Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 So what if I'm the "Cheater Spokesperson" as you put it. Even those that have cheated deserve to have a voice. Believe it or not, many of us that have had affairs & they are far behind us in our life now - we have insiteful things to add. Like what? The difference between you & me is that I see that there are two sides to every story & that everything in life is not black & white. There is two sides to every story but only one counts, in the end. As for the OP here. He is being a martyr if he's carried this around all this time & it has been an unbearable pain for him. Yes, his wife added the pain he is feeling. HOWEVER, he made the decision to stay with her. (which is something y'all are failing to remember) She's unremorseful. That's the whole point of this. IF for 20 years he's kept asking her over & over about all the details - or whatever else he's asking from her - & he's not gotten the answers he wants or needs - the he should leave. But he's not. He's staying a martyr for whatever reason. He's not being a martyr for staying. His wife is being a 304 for being unremorseful. We all make decisions in life. We have to learn to live with the decisions we made or CHANGE them. And she's refused to change her behavior. Because he still keeps track of this other man 20 years later......Don't you all think this is a bit obsessive? HE is bringing some of this pain on himself with this behavior. (IMO) Yet his wife is not even sorry for her actions. My guess is still that she's given him all the answers she can. They're just not good enough for him so he's going to carry this around & carry it over her head until his dying day.....That's just sad!! Well that's your guess, which is baseless.
confusedinkansas Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 And she's refused to change her behavior.. First of all, we don't know that she hasn't "Changed Her Behavior" I"d say that if she's not had but one affair - then Behavior Changed! What I'm saying is that HE is the one that stayed in the marriage this long & if it's really been eating at him for ALL THIS TIME.......Well all definitions point to MARTYR. I'm not really sure how you all that argue this point don't see it. It's like Alexandra35 said. We're talking about two different things here. Your point is that she's not shown enough remorse to suit her husband. I'm saying - IF he didn't like that she wasn't remorseful enough to suit him - Why in the heck did he stick around all this time?
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 What's with all of the blame for the OP? Should he have left? I dunno, I'm not in his shoes. Maybe, yeah. But he didn't. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. He's saying that he STILL has a hard time with it. There's no statute of limitations on something like this, period. OP, if you ever read this again (and honestly, why would you as there's been a ton of blame placed at your feet for some reason that I don't understand), know that people HAVE felt your pain, and DO stay in relationships that they aren't sure about... and I hope you can overcome the negative feelings one way or another... I, for one am sorry for the pain you've been caused. I like Loveshack when there's a dash more empathy than blame.
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I'm sure lots of people would like their SOs to "just drop it"... hell, I wish I could "just drop it" in regards to my life and move on- and I have... mostly. My spouse's weakness will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind, if only a little tiny bit. Have I forgiven her? Yes, but I will always be vigilant (I have to be; I won't allow myself to be hurt like that again). You know what? The pain does come back now and then. Random triggers, random feelings. They've faded with time, sure. But they're still there. My situation wasn't a TENTH as bad as the OP's.
WorldIsYours Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 First of all, we don't know that she hasn't "Changed Her Behavior" I"d say that if she's not had but one affair - then Behavior Changed! What I'm saying is that HE is the one that stayed in the marriage this long & if it's really been eating at him for ALL THIS TIME.......Well all definitions point to MARTYR. I'm not really sure how you all that argue this point don't see it. But the fact remains she's been unremorseful. It's like Alexandra35 said. We're talking about two different things here. No, we're not. Your point is that she's not shown enough remorse to suit her husband. I'm saying - IF he didn't like that she wasn't remorseful enough to suit him - Why in the heck did he stick around all this time? He probably had faith that she would stop being a bitch and be remorseful, like some BSs do. It shows "all this time" how she doesn't even appreciate him staying with her instead of dropping her, which is what he should do now.
confusedinkansas Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 He probably had faith that she would stop being a bitch and be remorseful, like some BSs do. It shows "all this time" how she doesn't even appreciate him staying with her instead of dropping her, which is what he should do now. For 20 years? Come On. I'm not saying there's a statute of limitations on how long someone should hold out for THAT PERFECT SPOUSE or for her to come around & be remorseful to his standards for him to find happiness.....But for him to say that he's harbored this for 20 years, is still miserable about it & STILL to this day keeps tabs on the other guy..........Come On Y'all!! Be serious here. It's very clear that he should have left her / should leave her now - so we're all in agreement with that.
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