The pain wont go away

[Jonah]

Of course. But you cant unring the bell.

His wife has no way of making it not have happened.

Its been 20 years of an otherwise good marriage.

 

If OP has been banging his head on this wall for twenty years...

THATS a problem, thats a betrayal too.

I would rather he left me.

 

I also wonder if in fact she may have given it her best go at apologizing in humility. ""When it comes to memories, we all stack the deck." -Wireman of Steven King's Duma Key

[confusedinkansas]

and that he - who I'm still keeping tracks on - suffers a slow painful and untimely death.

 

Perhaps THIS in lies the trouble.

STOP keeping track of this guy. Let it go. Get on with your life & stop worrying about his. I guarantee you he's not pining away for your wife anymore. He's moved on. It's been a long time.

 

Do you really think that at this point in life ANYTHING she says (apology wise) about the affair will be good enough for you? I doubt it.

You're holding on - lord only knows why - but this really is on you.

Not her.

[confusedinkansas]

but now she has given him something to think about. she sentenced him to unpleasant thoughts for the rest of his life, no matter how frequent or infrequent they may be.

Very true - However, he made the decision years & years ago to stay with her. For him to ask her NOW to have remorse (which we're really not sure her side - She may very well have shown her remorse back then - he just didn't want to hear it) - For him to ask her NOW to bring up all those memories. He's the one that's keeping it (The Other Man) in the forefront of her mind & their marriage.

Why? What will that prove? -So she can still continue to think about the other man? I'll almost guarantee you that she's getting on with life & has put him behind her. (as in IN THE PAST)

The way I see things if it's THAT horrible & painful for him - he can either complain for the rest of his life or he can cut his losses & bail. Nothing she says now will make one hill of beans worth of difference to him. He'll still have those thoughts & he'll still be "woah is me"

YES If she wouldn't have cheated in the first place he wouldn't have those thoughts...................BUT HE MADE THE DECISION TO STAY.

[WorldIsYours]

Perhaps THIS in lies the trouble.

STOP keeping track of this guy. Let it go. Get on with your life & stop worrying about his. I guarantee you he's not pining away for your wife anymore. He's moved on. It's been a long time.

 

Not too long ago you were worrying about your OM too. He may not be screwing his wife, but his wife is still unremorseful for her actions after all of these years.

 

Do you really think that at this point in life ANYTHING she says (apology wise) about the affair will be good enough for you? I doubt it.

You're holding on - lord only knows why - but this really is on you.

Not her.

 

No he's not holding on. She was never remorseful, and she cheated while she was pregnant with his kid. DISGUSTING. But this is why he must leave her. She's waste.

[WorldIsYours]

Very true - However, he made the decision years & years ago to stay with her.

 

And that shows how good of a man he is. But years and years ago she cheated, and years and years later she's still unremorseful for her cheating.

 

For him to ask her NOW to have remorse (which we're really not sure her side - She may very well have shown her remorse back then - he just didn't want to hear it) -

 

He's been asking for it for a long ass time. He said she never was remorseful. Saying a few sorries isn't remorse.

 

For him to ask her NOW to bring up all those memories. He's the one that's keeping it (The Other Man) in the forefront of her mind & their marriage.

 

No it's her fault, not his. If she was never remorseful, she's probably still cheating on him.

 

Why? What will that prove? -So she can still continue to think about the other man? I'll almost guarantee you that she's getting on with life & has put him behind her. (as in IN THE PAST)

 

Of course she's over his penis. Because she's the one that cheated. She already messed around with him so of course she's over it.

 

The way I see things if it's THAT horrible & painful for him - he can either complain for the rest of his life or he can cut his losses & bail.

 

And that's why he should leave. Because his wife is too selfish and unremorseful.

 

Nothing she says now will make one hill of beans worth of difference to him.

 

Right, which is why he should leave her and find a real woman who doesn't cheat and be unremorseful about it.

 

He'll still have those thoughts & he'll still be "woah is me"

 

And she'll have those thoughts about how good it was to cheat on her husband, and how he's a wuss who won't get over her cheating.

 

YES If she wouldn't have cheated in the first place he wouldn't have those thoughts...................BUT HE MADE THE DECISION TO STAY.

 

So what if he made the choice to stay. That doesn't mean she should treat him any ol type of way.

[WorldIsYours]

The thing that the cheater defenders here also gloss over is that your wife "never got her head around [your] problem" As if she didn't care. She just wanted to get away with what she did with no consequences....which was your only real mistake. you didn't give her the consequences of her actions. But sounds like she wouldn't take the consequences anyway.

Great advice. These cheaters are so ignorant. The world is not theirs.

[confusedinkansas]

I totally agree with you guys.

I think he should leave as well....otherwise he's playing the martyr for the rest of his life.

 

But that doesn't sound like it's what HE wants to do.

 

The way I see it is - Those that cheated - YES, WE made the decision to do so & therefore we must live with that for the rest of our lives.

Those that choose to stay in a marriage where something like this has occurred must also live with thier decision.

 

I'm not dismissing his pain at all. I'm sure it's very real. All I'm saying is that it's a really long time for him to hold onto this & to continue to monitor this other man. Sad. AND If this is how he chooses to live the rest of his days - it's his decision to make.

But don't bit&ch & complain that SHE won't this or SHE won't that.

 

As for the "Fond Memories" Yes, they are there....BUT they are VERY FEW & VERY Far between & when they do arise - they are almost immediately pushed aside. If I had a husband that was continually bringing this up that'd be a little difficult to do - don'tcha think? Especially as the cheater (PAST TENSE) I'm trying to move on - (As I'm sure his wife is as well)

[WorldIsYours]

I totally agree with you guys.

I think he should leave as well....otherwise he's playing the martyr for the rest of his life.

 

But that doesn't sound like it's what HE wants to do.

 

He's nervous to leave because he made a vow to be with this woman. Men usually don't give up on marriage so easily. But he's sacrificing his sanity to be with such trash.

 

The way I see it is - Those that cheated - YES, WE made the decision to do so & therefore we must live with that for the rest of our lives.

Those that choose to stay in a marriage where something like this has occurred must also live with thier decision.

 

It's okay to stay only if the cheater is willing to bend their asses over to make their betrayed spouse feel better. If they stay it is their job to help their spouse, not be ignorant and tell them to get over something traumatic that leaves life long scars.

 

 

I'm not dismissing his pain at all.

 

Seems like it.

 

I'm sure it's very real. All I'm saying is that it's a really long time for him to hold onto this & to continue to monitor this other man. Sad. AND If this is how he chooses to live the rest of his days - it's his decision to make.

 

You know what is sad? That she became so selfish to cheat, and be unremorseful about it for all of these years. If she has that type of attitude, she probably cheated on him again. It's both of their decisions to stay. Not just him. And it was her job to be remorseful to make the marriage better.

 

 

 

But don't bit&ch & complain that SHE won't this or SHE won't that.

 

He wouldn't be "bit*hing" if his wife hadn't complained first and cheated, then bit*hed back about how he needs to get over her cheating on him. If anyone's complaining about something, it's her. You say you understand his pain, then say he's bit*hing.

 

As for the "Fond Memories" Yes, they are there....BUT they are VERY FEW & VERY Far between & when they do arise - they are almost immediately pushed aside.

 

Those memories are not "fond" and they shouldn't be there in the first place. This is why betrayed spouses need to find someone better. They shouldn't stay with a person who still on occasion, think about the extra they got on the side and how fun it was to go behind their spouse's back.

 

If I had a husband that was continually bringing this up that'd be a little difficult to do - don'tcha think?

 

For cheaters it wasn't so difficult to cheat, but they can't listen to their spouse's venting and wanting them to be remorseful? They shouldn't even have to ask their cheating spouse to be remorseful or apologize and show them they still give a damn about their marriage.

 

Especially as the cheater (PAST TENSE) I'm trying to move on - (As I'm sure his wife is as well)

 

Of course she moved on from it, like I said before. Because she's the one that hurt him. She just wants him to get over something she did and that's where she's wrong.

[UnsureinSeattle]

It's hard to put something behind you if you never got closure in the first place.

[confusedinkansas]

Ok - without getting too far off track here

Men complain about women all the time because they don't SPELL OUT WHAT THEY NEED

 

OP - Have you sat your wife down & looked her in the eye & TOLD HER EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED FROM HER?

 

If you've done that & she's done what you asked - then I still say the OP is being a martyr. Wanting to keep this in the forefront of a marriage just so he can have something to complain about.

 

If you HAVEN'T done this - I'd suggest you do it. Otherwise, you'll be miserable. You'll just wallow in this for all the rest of your years.

If you do this & she isn't willing to budge then YES by all means "Get The Hell Outta Dodge"

 

My gut is though that he's asked - She's either dismissed his concern (years ago) & he thought maybe she'll come around - I'll stick it out & see.......Since things haven't changed (ALL these years later) - he's still there & it's still eating at him.

Or she's given him what he wants & he still can't just let go.

 

With people like that........You need to either leave or quit compalining. He's fence sitting. I see all the signs. Been there myself.

 

I know you all think that sounds harsh. But life is so short. Why complain for years on end when you yourself have made a decision to stay in a marriage that you aren't happy in?

[confusedinkansas]

One more thought -

Those that do decide to stay in a marriage after an affair.........

We DO have great marriages

We DO love each other

We DO let it go........so that we can have very fulfilling lives together.

[WorldIsYours]

Ok - without getting too far off track here

Men complain about women all the time because they don't SPELL OUT WHAT THEY NEED

 

That is the other way around, and no betrayed spouse should have to ask their cheating spouse to be remorseful.

 

OP - Have you sat your wife down & looked her in the eye & TOLD HER EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED FROM HER?

 

Now you're the one off track.

 

No, he never said anything.

 

If you've done that & she's done what you asked - then I still say the OP is being a martyr.

 

Didn't he say she's unremorseful?

 

Wanting to keep this in the forefront of a marriage just so he can have something to complain about.

 

I'm sure there's other things he can complain about, but you know he's complaining because she's unremorseful. You're just trying to fault him.

 

If you HAVEN'T done this - I'd suggest you do it. Otherwise, you'll be miserable. You'll just wallow in this for all the rest of your years.

If you do this & she isn't willing to budge then YES by all means "Get The Hell Outta Dodge"

 

Stop acting as if you don't know what is going on.

 

 

My gut is though that he's asked - She's either dismissed his concern (years ago) & he thought maybe she'll come around - I'll stick it out & see.......Since things haven't changed (ALL these years later) - he's still there & it's still eating at him.

Or she's given him what he wants & he still can't just let go.

 

And so what if he can't let it go because she has. She's unremorseful. She's not the one hurt.

 

With people like that........You need to either leave or quit compalining.

 

Yup. With cheaters the betrayed just need to leave.

 

He's fence sitting. I see all the signs. Been there myself.

 

She's fence sitting, and you didn't sit on the fence. You took action but it was the wrong route.

 

I know you all think that sounds harsh.

 

He probably thinks you sound just like his wife.

 

But life is so short. Why complain for years on end when you yourself have made a decision to stay in a marriage that you aren't happy in?

 

Yes life is short, but that doesn't mean he should get over her playing him and being a bitch about it, and act all happy-dandy.

[WorldIsYours]

One more thought -

Those that do decide to stay in a marriage after an affair.........

We DO have great marriages

We DO love each other

We DO let it go........so that we can have very fulfilling lives together.

 

But you're not a betrayed spouse so....

[UnsureinSeattle]

Some people here are very quick to put limits on how long someone should feel something or how they should feel about it. None of us live in this cat's head.

 

My old lady never physically cheated on me, but definitely had more than one emotional affair. It's been a couple of years... I've largely put it behind me... even tho' I didn't always get the kind of closure I wanted or needed... but I can not deny that it's in the back of my mind when we fight or when she acts distant. There are plenty of things that trigger me, and the severity of what happened to me is not equal to that of what happened to the OP. I don't think the bad feelings will ever fully go away for me- I can't sit here and tell this guy "Dude, it was 20 years ago- get over it!" without being a major hypocrite.

 

Prehaps some of you should take another look at your own situations/feelings before you blame this guy for harboring negative thoughts about his wife's affair that she apparently never showed much remorse for.

[WorldIsYours]

Prehaps some of you should take another look at your own situations/feelings before you blame this guy for harboring negative thoughts about his wife's affair that she apparently never showed much remorse for.

 

Right on brother.

[silktricks]

That is the other way around, and no betrayed spouse should have to ask their cheating spouse to be remorseful.

 

I was a betrayed spouse and I agree with this statement, but do NOT agree with what the statement implies. My husband was remorseful. I knew that he was... BUT and the BUT is huge.... I had to DEMAND that he show his remorse in a way that I could actually take in. I had to let him see my pain so that he could SEE what I was going through. It wasn't enough that he say he was sorry, and then we were going to go on as if nothing had happened. That wouldn't have worked for me, and if I had accepted that desire I would probably be stuck just as the OP is stuck now.

 

I didn't let anything go. If I had a question, I asked it and demanded it be answered - and wouldn't let go until it was. The thing is, that's what I did AT THE TIME IT HAPPENED. Not 20 some years after the fact. I don't know that you can, after supposedly forgiving someone, bring it back up after all this time and rehash everything.

 

A BS also has to "take responsibility for their own actions", and if their actions imply that all is well, then the WS should be able to trust that all really is well, and move on with their life. They shouldn't need to show remorse forever, they shouldn't have to grovel and beg for forgiveness forever. They messed up badly, but the BS has no more right to hold it over their heads forever than they had the right to betray in the first place.

 

I dunno, I feel like I'm saying 2 things that are in opposition to each other, but you can't go on like you are, and it's not fair to your wife to 20 years later say "Sorry, I just can't forgive you after all". You 2 need to sit down and talk to each other. Really talk. Tell her about the problems you are having with the old stuff and that you don't want to rake it all back up, but that you're having a hard time... Have you thought of getting some IC and/or MC???

Edited March 9, 2011 by silktricks

[WorldIsYours]

The thing is, that's what I did AT THE TIME IT HAPPENED.

 

Okay but he's been asking for a long time so it's not like he waited to say something.

 

Not 20 some years after the fact. I don't know that you can, after supposedly forgiving someone, bring it back up after all this time and rehash everything.

 

But she was never remorseful in the first place.

 

A BS also has to "take responsibility for their own actions"

 

What actions? After a spouse cheats the betrayed doesn't have to do anything. They're not at fault for their spouse's cheating. I don't like what your statement implies.

 

then the WS should be able to trust that all really is well, and move on with their life.

 

WSs can't talk about trusting their BS.

 

They shouldn't need to show remorse forever, they shouldn't have to grovel and beg for forgiveness forever.

 

And cheaters didn't have to cheat, but they did and in particular, OP's wife never showed remorse.

 

They messed up badly, but the BS has no more right to hold it over their heads forever than they had the right to betray in the first place.

 

The cheater had no right to cheat, and a BS doesn't have to get over it on their WS's timeline and again, she was never remorseful.

[silktricks]

Okay but he's been asking for a long time so it's not like he waited to say something.

There's asking, and then there's asking.... and demanding... and not taking "no" for an answer. And not accepting a refusal to have MC. The WS will almost ALWAYS say, "it was a mistake, it was nothing". The WANT IT TO GO AWAY. They do NOT want to face what they did - frankly because once they realize what they did, they know in some quiet little place in their heart, that they will need to do some major internal reconstruction.

 

 

 

But she was never remorseful in the first place.

But, here's the rub.... she probably thought she was. My husband thought he was, too, at first. But I certainly wasn't satisfied that an "I made a mistake" answer was going to be enough. He finally realized that I was going to walk if there wasn't a whole lot more introspection going on than that.

 

 

 

What actions? After a spouse cheats the betrayed doesn't have to do anything. They're not at fault for their spouse's cheating. I don't like what your statement implies.

No the BS is not at fault for the spouse's cheating, and that wasn't what I was saying. They are, however, responsible for the actions they take once the cheating comes out. If they say "I forgive you", then by god, they'd better actually do it, otherwise they're liars, too. The BS has no right to hold the past over the head of the WS forever while at the same time claiming injury. If they feel the need to do so, then they need to leave and get on with their life.

 

 

 

WSs can't talk about trusting their BS.

why on earth not?

 

 

 

And cheaters didn't have to cheat, but they did and in particular, OP's wife never showed remorse.

No cheaters don't have to cheat, but as has been said before, you can't unring a bell. All you can do is decide how to proceed afterwards. The BS can spend the rest of his/her life angry and bitter as to how life (in the guise of their WS) has done them wrong, or they can grow up, and accept that life sometimes sucks. What shows a person's real character is not what is done to us, but how we deal with it. Spending the rest of your (not personal you, general you) angry that you were hurt doesn't do you any good at all.

 

 

 

The cheater had no right to cheat, and a BS doesn't have to get over it on their WS's timeline and again, she was never remorseful.

The cheater never has a "right" to cheat. And the BS doesn't HAVE to get over it at all. But the person they are hurting the most if they choose to not do so is ultimately themselves. And again, she almost undoubtedly "thought" she was remorseful. Sorry, but I don't have a lot of patience for people who apparently accept the status quo for 20+ years and then say "Hey, wait a minute, you know that thing that happened 20 years ago??? Well, I'm PO'd". Deal with the situation or don't, but don't act like you have the right to b*tch about something for the rest of your life.

 

JMO

[silktricks]

while I somewhat agree with not holding it over the WS head, that is kind of letting the WS have peace even though the BS never will completely

This is hogwash. It's only true if the BS makes it true. It isn't true in and of itself.

 

Not saying the BS should give them grief forever, but the BS gets to relive the betrayal in their minds once in a while for the rest of their lives.

Only if they choose to hang on to it like a martyr. I'd much rather have fun with my husband than spend a moment thinking of stuff that happened in the past.

 

So looks like only the BS gets to carry the real pain of what happened while the WS expects to get a pass, as if the BS needs to just bottle it up and shut up

Huh. You sure do twist stuff around. Here's the truth in my marriage. I am happy. I don't have any squirrelly little worms of doubt or pain or memories of stuff that happened years ago. My husband however - you know - the one you said "gets a pass" he will never probably fully recover from what he did. He had to take some pretty bitter pills and actually face what he did and WHY he did it. He had to analyze his actions and realize that what he had convinced himself of was totally bogus. He had to change from the inside out. A pass???? No. I don't know what your wife went through after she cheated, but I do know what my husband went through. He had the harder road.

 

 

I completely agree. Life is not worth living if you have to be suspicious of someone untrustworthy and feel the need to bring up the pain all the time.

 

Only way to kill the pain is the move on and get rid of the source, IMO, the WS.

Yeah, I can see how well that worked for you.

 

If he can't quench the pain, he needs to get rid of her.

I agree that he needs to move on if he continues to feel the pain. I would suggest that this be phrased differently...

[WorldIsYours]

But, here's the rub.... she probably thought she was.

 

She put that in her mind to ease her guilt if she probably thought that.

 

once the cheating comes out.

 

And so are the cheaters.

 

If they say "I forgive you", then by god, they'd better actually do it, otherwise they're liars, too.

 

Then by god they don't have to do a damn thing, neither are they liars like their cheating spouse. Just because you tell someone you forgive them doesn't mean the anger will go away.

 

The BS has no right to hold the past over the head of the WS forever while at the same time claiming injury.

 

Then the cheater needs to be remorseful.

 

If they feel the need to do so, then they need to leave and get on with their life.

 

So get over it right? The cheater should've left instead of cheating.

 

 

why on earth not?

 

Why on earth should they?

 

 

No cheaters don't have to cheat, but as has been said before, you can't unring a bell.

 

Okay and neither can WSs expect their BSs to just get over something they've done.

 

ll you can do is decide how to proceed afterwards. The BS can spend the rest of his/her life angry and bitter as to how life (in the guise of their WS) has done them wrong, or they can grow up, and accept that life sometimes sucks. What shows a person's real character is not what is done to us, but how we deal with it. Spending the rest of your (not personal you, general you) angry that you were hurt doesn't do you any good at all.

 

There it is. The old Bitter Advice. That's just being ignorant to one's feelings.

 

 

 

The cheater never has a "right" to cheat. And the BS doesn't HAVE to get over it at all. But the person they are hurting the most if they choose to not do so is ultimately themselves.

 

No, they're not hurting themselves. It's the cheater and their unremorselessness. And damn it, this guy stayed, hoping his wife would stop being a bitch. The man undoubtedly deserves some praise. Not a lot of folks can do that.

 

And again, she almost undoubtedly "thought" she was remorseful. Sorry, but I don't have a lot of patience for people who apparently accept the status quo for 20+ years and then say "Hey, wait a minute, you know that thing that happened 20 years ago???

 

If you don't have the patience to listen to this man's grief over his wife being unremorseful, why bother to post? You're just being ignorant and skidded over the fact that he said that she was never remorseful.

 

Well, I'm PO'd". Deal with the situation or don't, but don't act like you have the right to b*tch about something for the rest of your life.

 

He does have a right to "b*tch" about it if his wife is so damn heartless.

[WorldIsYours]

This is hogwash. It's only true if the BS makes it true. It isn't true in and of itself.

 

No it's not hogwash. Cheating and telling their betrayed spouse to get over it is hogwash.

 

Only if they choose to hang on to it like a martyr. I'd much rather have fun with my husband than spend a moment thinking of stuff that happened in the past.

 

Well not everyone accepts 304s.

 

Huh. You sure do twist stuff around. Here's the truth in my marriage. I am happy. I don't have any squirrelly little worms of doubt or pain or memories of stuff that happened years ago. My husband however - you know - the one you said "gets a pass" he will never probably fully recover from what he did.

 

You act as if you were never betrayed. So you can live with a spouse who as you say, will "never recover" from his affair (which is ridiculous silly statement), yet when a BS has issues with his wife he's bitter and is an idiot, right? Everyone doesn't always settle down with their WS all of the time and live in complete deniability.

 

Yeah, I can see how well that worked for you.

 

Yea so being with a spouse who cheated is so much better.

[confusedinkansas]

I completely agree. Life is so short, and too short to be spending the rest of it with someone that betrayed you and only cares about not having to suffer any consequences.

 

I completely get this statement - as 'the other side of the coin'.

Some folks CAN stay in a marriage where there was infidelity.

Some CAN'T.

 

Just like your story - you push 'get out at all costs'

There is another story (mine) to be told ' try to work it out - because in many cases it can'

 

Each person/scenario/situation...a decision has to be made.

As for the OP. He made his decision. Way Back When! I'm sorry truly that it's come back now & he can't get past it.

 

OP - IF everything has been done to make the marriage work - to your satisfaction - then Yes, you probably need to leave in order to keep your own sanity.

 

Side Note Not that it matters - Just clarifying:

For those that think I'm not a "BS" - Yes, I would be. Just not in the sense you all are (infidelity) - There are many forms of betrayal besides an affair.

For those that don't know my story - Yep, sat on the fence for years. (just like the OP is doing right now) Have the chapped @ss to show for it & lots of life lessons.:)

[Snowflower]

No it's not hogwash. Cheating and telling their betrayed spouse to get over it is hogwash.

 

 

 

Well not everyone accepts 304s.

 

 

 

You act as if you were never betrayed. So you can live with a spouse who as you say, will "never recover" from his affair (which is ridiculous silly statement), yet when a BS has issues with his wife he's bitter and is an idiot, right? Everyone doesn't always settle down with their WS all of the time and live in complete deniability.

 

 

 

Yea so being with a spouse who cheated is so much better.

 

Whether a BS stays in a marriage where infidelity has occurred or divorces their WS...the important thing is that the BS is able to move forward and gain seem peace.

 

Silk seems to have done that as have countless others here who have "moved on" after infidelity. Good for her and those who have been able to heal no matter what happened to their marriages.

[2sure]

Life happens. Life is made up of decisions, crisis, turning points and change. You dont have to forgive anyone who has wronged you...but you know what? You better learn to live with it , get comfortable with it, at peace with it OR make a change, take an action.

 

To just fester...thats something you do to yourself.

[confusedinkansas]

not hogwash at all. I didn't say that the BS will never have peace, just not completely.

See - that's the decision that the BS needs to make. And I disagree that the peace doesn't come completely. I think it does.

"Asking" not telling your BS to get over the affair is NOT hogwash.

If it's been discussed & decisions have been made then it's time to move on.

 

To me the OP makes it sound like he's still beating a dead horse.

 

being at peace, IMO, would mean that the BS never thinks about it or has triggers. no matter how much someone has moved on and their life may be fairly "peaceful" with regards to the betrayal, it will never be completely. Triggers will come, thoughts will pop into their heads

 

What you're asking in life is impossible.

Mental images & thoughts are an uncontrollable emotion in everyone!

 

You're saying then that any woman you were EVER WITH before you even got married.......You NEVER think about? On ANY level whatsoever?:

Come on - Be real. How about that hottie at work? How about the woman at the grocery store........Sheesh....... (Men & Women alike THINK about those things & people)

If you had thoughts of other women that you dated before you married your wife then I suppose that means that you were cheating on your wife.