Brian Kent Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 My wife had an affair 20+ years ago. To this day she still calls it a "mistake" and like being in a state of denial she has never shown any true regret and remorse for the upset and hurt that her betrayal caused to my feelings. As such, the heeling process has never taken its proper course. Her 'mistake' happened 9 years into our marriage and while 8 months pregnant with our second child. She was befriended in a "chance meeting situation" by a guy/predator (I wont call him a man) and they enjoyed lots on telephone chats together, where he flattered and wooed her. They waited several weeks after their initial quick drink in a local bar and phone chats before meeting up again - while I babysat - for full on sex together (without a condom) at his flat. This was during the period when she was still breast feeding our child. I never saw her affair coming, so her confession came as an immense shock. This 'bombshell' confession arrived 11 months after their second and final meeting (our first child was still an infant and new arrival less than a year old). In my mind then as it is now are all the lies she told, remembering the times when the home phone would cut-out when I answered it, my knowing that my family, friends and work colleagues knew about her affair, the humiliation this caused, the immediate loss of trust and respect (which took years to rebuild) and the accumulated effect of all this led me to have a mini-nervous breakdown. I'm not looking for any sympathy here, this is just a true reflection of events and perhaps why people in a similar situation should seek help. Before and during the time of her affair my wife told me that she loved me and likewise I loved her 100%. Then and now I think back at our hand holding in hospital when she gave birth to our second child, all the while she was having an affair with a stranger (who she physically only met twice). All these years on this terrible episode is never distant from my mind, just parked up somewhere close by... We have never taken the counselling route...because it was a "mistake, never to be repeated" she told me. So what's the point? From the moment of hearing her news I quickly realised that I had NO alternative but to PUSH this shocking situation to the back of my mind, to distance myself from my wider family and close friends...etc - which I have done for the most part for many years (decades!) and to work at making our marriage succeed. We have both given it our all and we have for the main part been a very happy couple and family. However the shock and hurt does not fade, it simply hides and re-emerges unannounced and unchallenged. My wife has never got her head around "my problem", she feels that I should forget about her mistake and stop bringing the matter-up. Which is bloody difficult when the crystal clear memory reappears and literally takes over my mind, which as I'm getting older the 'triggers' are becoming more acute and can be activated through the simplest of things ~ certain songs, places, people (friends/family) being mentioned, arrival of Birthday/Xmas cards, his Christian name, the time of the year, etc, etc. When 'triggered' sadness descends and my only solace is "try and get a grip" and to think of all the good times and when alone to wish upon the 'guy' the level of torment that he has caused me (and indirectly to my family) and that he - who I'm still keeping tracks on - suffers a slow painful and untimely death. Can any of you relate to my plight?
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 My wife has never got her head around "my problem", she feels that I should forget about her mistake and stop bringing the matter-up. Which is bloody difficult when the crystal clear memory reappears and literally takes over my mind, which as I'm getting older the 'triggers' are becoming more acute and can be activated through the simplest of things ~ certain songs, places, people (friends/family) being mentioned, arrival of Birthday/Xmas cards, his Christian name, the time of the year, etc, etc. When 'triggered' sadness descends and my only solace is "try and get a grip" and to think of all the good times and when alone to wish upon the 'guy' the level of torment that he has caused me (and indirectly to my family) and that he - who I'm still keeping tracks on - suffers a slow painful and untimely death. Can any of you relate to my plight? She doesn't care because you didn't leverage any consequences on her. I see this as you now having a "Get Laid Free" card. I've been cheated on twice before by GF's. I have dumped them both, so while I can relate to your situation a bit... not entirely.
Spark1111 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Of course I can relate. Why not show read to her what you have posted here. Feelings denied do not go away. I understand pushing forward for the sake of your family. But now that the kids are growing up and growing independent, these feelings are coming back full force and need to be dealt with. It is very common for the cheater to overcome the affair much sooner than the betrayed spouse (BS). Tell her it is now time for you and she to deal with what happened so long ago, or part ways. Get to IC and MC and see if this relationship can be salvaged, no longer for the sake of the kids, but for you......and she. Other than walking out the door, it is the only way to save your marriage: together!
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I hate to say "if you can't get over it, break up with her," but, look- she's never shown any remorse... and it's still eating you up inside. If counciling can't get you over the hump (it may be too late for that- and OF COURSE she wants you to just "forget about it, as if it were that simple), I think it may be time to call it quits. I'm very sorry for your pain- I know the feeling of others knowing what's going on in your life, while you remain clueless as to what's happening.
What_Next Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 If there is no remorse, then there is no reason to continue. Marriages CAN be rebuilt from an affair, but remorse is the first step.
Chi townD Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Yeah, i agree with most here. You need to go to IC/MC. If she doesn't want to go with you, then fine. YOU go for yourself. There's no reason you should be living with these feelings. Twenty years is a LONG time to be holding on to all this garbage. You didn't do anything wrong and you've been suffering all this time. It's time to heal. I hope that the next time you post is to inform us that you've set yourself up with an appointment.
Jonah Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Can any of you relate to my plight? Yes. Could not trust another human being for years. Still it is ghost that still haunts. The things I wish I would have said, would have done. I did cut my lass free, it was an unconscious decision made by my heart. I wish I would have kept the woman now because she actually did try to help me. You had the child to tie you, so you still have your cheater. If your woman loved you, she would certainly help you. My call is selfish denial worthy of dismissal.
neveragain1 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 My wife had an affair 20+ years ago. To this day she still calls it a "mistake" don't you just love their attempts to downplay their behavior? Her 'mistake' happened 9 years into our marriage and while 8 months pregnant with our second child. my god. thats just damn disgusting. the other man's member was just inches away from your child. I couldn't even begin to imagine the nausea I would feel by being married to such a woman. She was befriended in a "chance meeting situation" by a guy/predator (I wont call him a man) and they enjoyed lots on telephone chats together, where he flattered and wooed her. They waited several weeks after their initial quick drink in a local bar and phone chats before meeting up again - while I babysat - for full on sex together (without a condom) at his flat. This was during the period when she was still breast feeding our child. so not only did she risk STD for you, but your 2nd child. how disgusting. Before and during the time of her affair my wife told me that she loved me and likewise I loved her 100%. Then and now I think back at our hand holding in hospital when she gave birth to our second child, all the while she was having an affair with a stranger (who she physically only met twice). did you ever wonder if the affair went on BEFORE your wife was pregnant with your 2nd child and that she just said it was during so you wouldn't think your child was yours? However the shock and hurt does not fade, it simply hides and re-emerges unannounced and unchallenged. IMO, the only way the hurt fades, and completely goes away, is to get rid of the source of the pain......your wife. (meaning divorce of course) Can any of you relate to my plight? oh I sure can. I even had to get tests done on both my kids to make sure they are mine (thankfully they are:)) I don't have good news for you. If you stay with her, you are just going to have to put up with the effects of the equivalent of emotional abuse that she has bestowed upon you. My advice would be to divorce her. You'll never look at her the same again, and frankly as if cheating wasn't bad enough, she screwed the guy while pregnant with your child(hopefully yours). I don't know how you can live with her without ulcers eating your gut away. I know divorce isn't something that is the first thing in your thoughts. But I can tell you, its the ONLY way to end the pain of the thoughts you have. I feel bad for you, which is why I wish you happiness. And only way to achieve it is to get rid of your unhappiness.....the cause...your so-called wife.
Jonah Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 We have both given it our all and we have for the main part been a very happy couple and family. This is a success that few here on this forum will ever know. and that he - who I'm still keeping tracks on - suffers a slow painful and untimely death. Can any of you relate to my plight? The Lord says that vengeance is his. Go ahead and let him take care of it. There's ten thousand dollars in counseling all in one sentence. You suffer in vain. Don't worry - The scumbag will get his ying and yang. Go love your life and be glad she is who she is. Would you love her if she was someone else?
Tayla Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Amazing how time doesn't always heal all things that we cling to. And rightly so that you have clung this long. 1: Get counseling 2: Forgive only when you are ready to surpass this matter. Forgive yourself first though as you have in a way done the marriage itself a dis-service by allowing her to dismiss your feelings. Yes folks I know you'll say he did no wrong and I can tell you when I did counseling the first person I needed to forgive was myself for tolerating the intolerable and for thinking I was superior and above the mate for not behaving the way he did. I had to find out that I too was guilty of not putting forth an effort to dig deeper and be acknowledged more. Instead I too just wanted the "mistake" to go away. Once I forgave myself a new strength was born and from that I dealt with things. 3: Its your choice overall how you handle the truth and move on, but whatever ya do, move forward , its not healthy to "re-live" and cling to this pain.....
Tayla Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Nor is it healthy to have a selfish, unremorseful wife. I agree, thus the reasoning for him to move forward, gain strength to finally deal with something that has ached at him for 20 years....
Author Brian Kent Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 I have thought hard and long about this over the years. Here's my take and this may be value to others in a similar boat: During her disclosure (months after the affair had ended) she told me lots of lies (possibly to save face) and kept changing her story..little by little. While inconsequential to her these contradictions caused me great frustration and angst....and I was worried whether there was more to tell. More likely (stupidly) she took this tact to protect me from (further) pain. In my mind there's still lots of question marks, which regularly pop-up and still remain unanswered. Then (and now) she tells me that because I kept on at her to tell me the 'whole story & truth' time and time again that she got annoyed with me and as the weeks and months slowly ticked-by her 'divulge threshold' got less and less. I suppose I could have pushed and pushed and ended up in a no win war. With such a young family I wasn't prepared to do this. In hindsight - & looking back rationally - it would have been so MUCH easier on my mind (others may be different) if she had completed a "questions and answers truth 'warts'n'all' expose" document and signed it. I think this approach would help a lot of aggrieved spouses to have clarity. WITHOUT IT and because the passage of time...one's mind plays funny games and without clear answers will inevitably open up old wounds, unnecessarily. As a marker in the sand I made it clear that if any new corroborative truths came into the open about her affair - we live in a close circle - then I would have no hesitation in flying the nest! Nor should she. This has been our bedrock. Our survival chord. It has worked for us.
Jonah Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I have thought hard and long about this over the years. Me too guy.. I hope that one conclusion that you came to is that this lady is very dear to you. Please don't take this as a slam, but a fair warning: It is possible that if you keep pushing this lady away from your heart she may end up once again in another mans arms. Perhaps a bad man at that and you will both end up grasping for love never to be experienced again. Then you can have a double portion of pain. This situation has created a communication wedge. ...be careful my friend.
Mountain Dew Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Know how you feel except it's been only 3.5 yrs since the affair and it was 3 yrs into our marrage. I cannot forgive her mainly because she's never asked me to. I plan to leave her when our daughter is older. Till then I keep a poker face as much as possible. She seems to think if she acts like it never happened I'll forget it eventually-never happen. Only makes it worse. Eats me up every day. Payback will be the look on her face when I leave her. She stays scared to death that will happen and I tell her it wont. But it will...few more years...BAM! I wish it was illegal to cheat, would cut way down on this crap.
StoneCold Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Dude ultimately i think it may just boil down to you having to leave her so that you can start over...its either that or live the rest of you life in torment because if after 20 odd years if you cant get past it you'll likely never get past it. BUT you should start by seeking counseling first
Mindface Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Know how you feel except it's been only 3.5 yrs since the affair and it was 3 yrs into our marrage. I cannot forgive her mainly because she's never asked me to. I plan to leave her when our daughter is older. Till then I keep a poker face as much as possible. She seems to think if she acts like it never happened I'll forget it eventually-never happen. Only makes it worse. Eats me up every day. Payback will be the look on her face when I leave her. She stays scared to death that will happen and I tell her it wont. But it will...few more years...BAM! I wish it was illegal to cheat, would cut way down on this crap. I know how you feel.
whiterose15 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I read some of the posts here and agree to some. I can relate to your pain, my H cheated on me also. He lived a double life for some time and had 2 kids w OW (we so much wanted to have kids, but couldn't have any together - had a miscarriage). Though that is over, he still is connected due to the 2 kids. We broke it off for some time and slowly got back together. We've known each other for 21 yrs. My story is long and complicated, but the point is that even when you go back with your H or W and try to work it out 'cause you LOVE each other, it is very hard. Even if that person has done many things to prove themselves to you. It's like you said --- it pops up out of no where. From all the stories I"ve read, it's the type of damage that never heals 100%. We've had many good moments (some better than before affair), but like you said, it comes like a ghost. I can't bring myself to trust him completely, even when I know for sure he is telling me the truth about whatever, I always have to have that window of possibles. I have a hard time relaxing completely, worse yet, I've had many people betray me, friends and family, as well, so when it came from the one who I trusted so much and who has done & meant so much for me in so many ways, it was an unexpected BOMB. I probably trust (not 100%) only about 2-3 people in my life. I use to be a happy, fun, giving, loving, caring person, who use to not think twice in helping others, giving my love, in being a true friend; now, though, I still help and am caring, I've gotten tough, hard, afraid to get close, don't trust anyone really, and on guard. It's terrible!!! I've always forgiven and put things in the hands of God, but not even that is filling me up anymore. Now, all it has left me is with many questions. The only thing I have left is HOPE. Hope that someday things will be different and brighter for me. That after the black waters there will be clear waters... I feel your pain. HOPE... is what helps us to have FAITH that the SUN will shine over us when we least expect it. Best wishes!
silktricks Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Know how you feel except it's been only 3.5 yrs since the affair and it was 3 yrs into our marrage. I cannot forgive her mainly because she's never asked me to. I plan to leave her when our daughter is older. Till then I keep a poker face as much as possible. She seems to think if she acts like it never happened I'll forget it eventually-never happen. Only makes it worse. Eats me up every day. Payback will be the look on her face when I leave her. She stays scared to death that will happen and I tell her it wont. But it will...few more years...BAM! I wish it was illegal to cheat, would cut way down on this crap. You are no better than her, you know. She cheated on you, but you are now cheating her and yourself. Cheating her of really working on your marriage and making it better, and cheating yourself of love. If you cannot forgive, then let her go, and don't keep pretending. You need to recover and find someone to truly love.
silktricks Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 My wife had an affair 20+ years ago. To this day she still calls it a "mistake" and like being in a state of denial she has never shown any true regret and remorse for the upset and hurt that her betrayal caused to my feelings. As such, the heeling process has never taken its proper course. I can understand it, but cannot relate to it, as my fWS showed immense regret and remorse. We are 6+ years out and I really never think about what happened. I didn't quote your entire post, as the problem is right here in the first paragraph. If she never truly showed remorse than what did you have to build on? Pretty much nothing. I'm not sure why you remained married to someone who cheated and didn't show true regret....
WorldIsYours Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 You are no better than her, you know. She cheated on you, but you are now cheating her and yourself. Cheating her of really working on your marriage and making it better, and cheating yourself of love. If you cannot forgive, then let her go, and don't keep pretending. You need to recover and find someone to truly love. He is better than her. He's just afraid of leaving a person he knew for so long. From what he posted, he's not cheating on her so cut him some slack. He just needs that push to find someone else better than his cheating wife.
neveragain1 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 You are no better than her, you know. She cheated on you, but you are now cheating her and yourself. Cheating her of really working on your marriage and making it better, and cheating yourself of love. If you cannot forgive, then let her go, and don't keep pretending. oh he will, in his own time.
2sure Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 20 years ago. Met with him for sex twice. Stopped it, told you about it, and regretted it. Other than not having done it at all...is there anything she could have done differently then? Possibly you both dropped the ball by not exploring this further at the time but since it was 20 years ago...Neither one of you are even the same people you were then...so it would be hard to discuss with any real observations coming to light. She was a young mother, newly delivered...she has probably said she didnt know what she was thinking, that she may have been depressed, that she wasnt herself. And thats probably not a lie. To be honest...after all this time, even though you seem to feel she has not been remorseful enough...this is your problem. All you can do is admit this to her and let her decide if and how she wants to help with you it.
neveragain1 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 To be honest...after all this time, even though you seem to feel she has not been remorseful enough...this is your problem. bull. there wouldn't be a problem if she hadn't cheated, I don't care what the timeframe is
2sure Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Of course. But you cant unring the bell. His wife has no way of making it not have happened. Its been 20 years of an otherwise good marriage. If OP has been banging his head on this wall for twenty years... THATS a problem, thats a betrayal too. I would rather he left me.
StoneCold Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 bull. there wouldn't be a problem if she hadn't cheated, I don't care what the timeframe is thats weak... You cant conveniently choose to continually blame the other person after you decide to stay. Until he communicates it (should he even decide to), its his issue to deal with..
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