Long term reconciliation plan?

[GreenVista]

I was with my ex for a year and a bit. It was a fantastic relationship. He left me basically for somebody else because I think he wanted to see what other people had to offer as he is 19 and I was his first proper love. It came out of the blue just a couple of weeks after he met this new person. He had to move out of my house and now is living with them.

 

My ultimate goal is reconciliation. I do hope that given time he will see the relationship we had was really special. We ended on good terms, although obviously I was/am heartbroken.

 

2 months after the split, (which had pretty low contact during that time) he has started texting me to see how I was, then hinted he wanted to meet up. I blew it off as I was busy, suggested going for a drink later instead which we did go to for a few hours. Then a day or so later he asked me over to his new house as his new bf was out all night working and he was home alone with nothing to do.

 

He asked if I was dating somebody else, and I gave a bit of detail that I had been chatting to a few people and met up with somebody a few times and they liked me. (This is good for me telling him this right?).

 

We then went out for a drink and it ended with a hug outside his new home (back in time for his new bf coming back).

 

I don't know what to do. I don't think NC would work, but will being 'friends' ever work for me if the new relationship fails? I think he is still in the honeymoon phase so wild horses wouldn't make him leave the new person. Do I just make myself a bit scarce and see how it goes over time?

 

Any thoughts would be great.

Edited March 2, 2011 by GreenVista

[TaraMaiden]

He's your ex.

You're his ex.

this means, he is out of your life, and you should be out of his.

 

You need to go complete NC and give yourself the chance to heal, move on, and rebuild your life.

 

For him to get in touch with you is completely unfair to his current BF (d'you suppose he told him?) and is unfair to you, because it gives you hope. It also makes him feel great, because you're there as a prop, back-up plan, and you alleviate the guilt of the break up.

 

I mean, how can there be bad feeling if he's buddy-buddy with you?

 

No.

Cut the rope, close the contact and go off his radar completely.

Facebook, text, phone, e-mail, msn, the whole kit and caboodle.

Be UNavailable completely, now, and always.

Period.

[Shatter3d]

TaraMaiden, I must ask...do you actually believe in second chances at all, or are you against the whole idea totally?

[TaraMaiden]

It's not that I'm totally against them.

 

It's that those who want second chances rarely ever get them to work, because both parties are rarely, if ever on the same page, commitment-wise.

one always wants it more than the other.

 

And if both people want it equally, then why was there a break-up in the first place?

 

Something, somewhere, doesn't fit.

Unless both acknowledge it, agree it, recognise it, accept it and work on it EQUALLY - Then it won't get fixed.

[Shatter3d]

Agreed, you BOTH need to be on the same page. But that rarely happens, one wants it more than the other.

 

I want my (3rd) chance to be different. I realise to do that, alot of time needs to pass and he needs to work his a$$ off for me. The question is, do I have enough strength to ignore his crumbs along the way? My head says I do, my heart says otherwise.

 

Logically I know that both heart and head need to agree.

[GreenVista]

I get that I could slip into backup plan, but surely you have to be at least friends for him to want to be back with you. Out of sight out of mind IMO.

 

If somebody is totally swept away because they get a bit of attention from somebody else then surely when reality sets in they will question it.

 

Even this last meet - I was mega chatty, fun, met up looking good. We went for a drink in a new bar, talked about fun stuff I wanted to do (like go to see some bands) and he was interested in that.. even said he would love to do that and he would go. (I didn't really reply to that). In contrast, his tired new bf will come home at midnight after a long shift at work and be drained out. (Who looks better..).

 

The new guy works long hours in a pretty lame job and has some kind of OCD about being tidy (my ex was a bit messy.. great combo). The new guy has never even left the country so doesn't have much life experience. He just goes out to the same pubs and clubs week after week. My ex obviously was drawn by the attention and the going-out drinking lifestyle. I just can't imagine that is going to be fun forever.. especially considering they moved in together so soon. He is obviously already bored of sitting at home all day so he called me..

[TaraMaiden]

if you really don't mind being his rest-bench in between short-term dallyings, then stick around.

If he does it once, knows he can come back to you, and you'd welcome it, then there's absolutely nothing to give you any guarantee that he won't do it again.

 

And if you're really ok making out with a guy who's making out elsewhere, then you have nothing at all to lose, do you?

 

I'd never want to be someone's option.

[TaraMaiden]

Agreed, you BOTH need to be on the same page. But that rarely happens, one wants it more than the other.

 

I want my (3rd) chance to be different. I realise to do that, alot of time needs to pass and he needs to work his a$$ off for me. The question is, do I have enough strength to ignore his crumbs along the way? My head says I do, my heart says otherwise.

 

Logically I know that both heart and head need to agree.

 

The above is not what I want to focus on.

Actually, what caught my eye was your location;

 

"Trapped inside his heart".

 

That's really odd, because you have the key to the door....

 

And actually, it's your heart says you do.

Your head (which is the one everyone should always listen to, but they rarely do) is the logical, calculating and seeing one.

THAT's the one making sense.

 

Unfortunately, what we often believe is love is more often non-sense.

[GreenVista]

I agree - I would never do anything more than a hug with anyone who had a bf. Neither would he.

 

I also wouldn't want it to happen again but life is a learning experience and everyone makes mistakes. True love goes beyond just the black and white of facts.

 

I can decide what to do if I ever got given the option.. I just want to make sure I am doing the best thing possible to try and make it possible, which is really what I need advice on.

[TaraMaiden]

In order to make it possible, you need to be an activist.

Try telling him what you want. That you want to be there in case he wants you back as a priority, not an option.

if he can't tell you that's a definite possibility, then don't waste what precious time you have holding on to a 'could be', when a 'definitely is' might float past you, unnoticed, ignored and lost....

[GreenVista]

Is that not something I would try in a few months when the honeymoon period of the new relationship has diminished a tad? I see that as a 1 shot question, and if you ask it at the wrong time and he says 'no' you can't ask it again when its all going dull with the new guy?

[Shatter3d]

Yes, TaraMaiden, I know I have the key to the door and unfortunately I feel I dont have the strength to open it, hence why Im on this site.

 

Perhaps, given more time, I will change it to my real location, Australia.

I am currently still very heartbroken and still trying to recover.

 

I wish I could speed up the progress but only time can do that.

[willpower]

It's not that I'm totally against them.

 

It's that those who want second chances rarely ever get them to work, because both parties are rarely, if ever on the same page, commitment-wise.

one always wants it more than the other.

 

And if both people want it equally, then why was there a break-up in the first place?

 

Something, somewhere, doesn't fit.

Unless both acknowledge it, agree it, recognise it, accept it and work on it EQUALLY - Then it won't get fixed.

 

Great advice IMHO.

 

Someone on here also hit it on the head when they said relationships fail due to it being the wrong person or wrong timing.

 

I think its possible the 'right' people can meet and be at totally different points in life, ie one wants to settle and the other doesnt. Then they will break even though it could have worked.

 

If those people happen to meet down the line, are both single and their expectations from a future relationship are in line then they can make a great second chance.

 

Ask yourself this though, with all of those variables at play (meeting again, actually wanting the same thing this time, but more importantly both being single - if one is looking to settle down they are actively trying NOT to be single for very much longer) do you think the probability is high? I think not.

 

All of that resides on the assumption that the other person also thought you were the 'right' person.

 

By 'right' I dont mean 'the one' as I dont think there is one, but I mean an option with whom you could make it work if you wanted to.

[TaraMaiden]

Is that not something I would try in a few months when the honeymoon period of the new relationship has diminished a tad? I see that as a 1 shot question, and if you ask it at the wrong time and he says 'no' you can't ask it again when its all going dull with the new guy?

 

No, you never can again. Because by then, he and his new partner have made love a few more times, and as he gets deeper into this relationship, he gets further away from reconciliation with you.

Even if he and this guy don't work out, he will just be using you as back-burner rebound guy.

And really, what makes you so absolutely sure things with this guy WILL go dull, according to how you see it? They might actually make it work, what with opposites attracting and all...

My advice is to abandon all hope. Move on, live your life to the full and make a new plan (Stan), because even if he does come back to you as his backup plan, you will have had a taste of how wonderful life still can be without him....And by that time, you might just see that actually, things are pretty good as they are...

 

Yes, TaraMaiden, I know I have the key to the door and unfortunately I feel I dont have the strength to open it, hence why Im on this site.

 

Perhaps, given more time, I will change it to my real location, Australia.

I am currently still very heartbroken and still trying to recover.

 

I wish I could speed up the progress but only time can do that.

No.

All time does, is pass.

 

Progress speed is entirely up to you.

I know it sounds harsh, but believe me, it's true.

 

The pain persists, because we feed it, nourish it and maintain its intensity.

We labour the point, and create a web of desire within our minds of wishful thinking and nostalgia, and rip our own hearts out with misery.

 

We perpetuate the agony, because we fear moving on. Because if we move on, it means we don't love them any more, and more importantly, they don't love us. it's a verification of that fact. Moving on means shedding the baggage.

And the only person making us haul that baggage behind us - is us.

 

I understand this, I really do, believe me.

But it's still true.....

[melenkurion]

Why do you want to be back with him? It doesn't sound to me that he is that great. He left you for someone else two weeks after meeting them. Two months after that, he is living with them. He sounds dreadfully impulsive. is that really what you want? What would you say to your friends if that happened to them? How could you ever be sure it won't happen again.

 

If you stay out of contact, it's not meant to be so that he misses you. It's for you to gain some calm, some breathing space, to work out what you really want and really need, away from the craziness. At the moment it's still very, very raw for you. He's getting attention from two guys, who doesn't love that? When I stayed out of contact with my "husband", I eventually came to realise that he wasn't treating me well, and that I did not want him back. If I had been seeing him, trying to be his mate, then it would have gone on for months and got me nothing but hurt in the end. He'd have used me to heal his guilt: "Melen forgives me for cheating, so all is good".

[huskers11]

If it's meant to be it will be but until that time move on! Don't wait around for him and wait for his relationship to fail or be at his every call! I don't want to give you false hope, but odds are his new relationship will fail because it's a rebound relationship but you can't hold out hope that it will lead him back to you because that may not happen! Instead evaulate the mistakes both you and your ex made in your relationship, learn from them, and use them to better your next relationship whether it's with him or someone new! Right now, has to be all about you. Time for you to readvent yourself and find the person you were before him!

 

I am not saying you need to lose hope of getting back together with him but you can't keep your life on hold hoping that it will happen because there is a good chance it won't happen! The fact is you broke up for a reason. Even if he came running back tomorrow odds are you will break up again because you haven't dealt and moved past the break up. So take this time to become you again and put the past in the past. If he's the right one, he will come back but if he isn't then you will be ready for something better!

[GreenVista]

I'm still at the point where I wonder if there is any way I behave which could sit me in a better light for the future.

 

E.g. When he txts me, sometimes I will not be very chatty (e.g. not asking questions back) but I wonder if he would think that it was hard work talking to me and not bother.. alternatively when I do ask a couple of questions he is chatty for a couple more messages then just stops so I am left hanging with unanswered questions.. then a few days later he picks it up, says 'sorry for the late reply' and off we go again..).

 

I really don't know if theses subtleties make much difference, but I feel that if I am doing anything, it should be as good a plan as it can be.

 

Again, it is him who invited me to meet up twice in a row, but I don't much want the rejection of getting a no if I ask him but this is balanced with not wanting to be totally out of sight out of mind, but then I think it is him who should contact me or I just look weak. I might wait until nearer his birthday and say I have a card for him perhaps.

[TaraMaiden]

You think too much.

[huskers11]

You know I was a lot like that just a few weeks to a month ago. Everything I said, did, wore.. everything was centered around the idea that if I made myself look good enough, it would help us get back together. It would magically fix everything and he would tell me how big of a mistake he made! But the truth is, I was only hurting myself because I was staying stuck in the pain. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, he will come back ONLY if he wants to!

 

You really are over thinking things right now. At this point in time, nothing you do, say, wear, or think will make him come back! It felt so amazing the day I stopped doing things for him/our 'maybe' future and started doing them for me! I still want him back and I still have feelings for him but everything I do now is to help me find myself and my happiness again. You need to do the same! The only way he will come back is if you become you again. Find yourself and find your indepence because you lost those during the breakup! Stop overthinking and hyperanalyzing everything and just focus on you! Only time will tell what the future holds!