anneel Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 While I was away for a long assignment, my wife started showing feelings and love for my pal. The reason she gave me as an explanation for our marriage break-up (still not sure) is though that I did not care for her while I was away and I left her on her own. This is not true, and I explained to her my circumstances of being in a hectic environment overseas and new life altogether. Before I entered into the agreement of this overseas assignment, every part of living together was considered. She agreed to give me a year and then see how best we can live together. There were arrangement of seeing each other atleast 4 times a year. Sometimes, she even agreed on joining me over the period of assignment abroad. However, the truth is in few months she succumbs to her desires of being free from me and wants to enter into a new relationship. I guess distance proved stronger than love, which I did not think due to my strong belief in love. Although my friend (who she says that she is attracted to) has no intentions right now, but you never know, it’s a free world. He also said that he would never ever come and be a cause of our breakup. The sad part is that she broke up with me and told her decision on phone (when I could not properly respond and react) that it is mostly over and she doesn’t love me anymore but would like to be a friend. Having heard this unfortunate part, I flied to meet her and tried at least to understand her and get myself explained-where and when it went wrong. Initially she refused to consider my coming (as it would hinder her intentions of falling in love again) but me being persistent, she barely accepted half-heartedly. She allowed me to nothing except playing with my sweet girl Carolyn; she refused me to stay in her apartment to spent time with her. She refused to come close, kiss, or touch. As regards to her, I stayed in a hotel. Although I spent my time mostly with Carolyn and some hours my wife and I spent together, especially during end of my stay. Last days I found that these hours were filled with sadness, crying and also no element of reversal did I see in her mind. She insisted me to be in contact with her and daughter, but she needs me only as a friend now. While Crying, she told me, please please please be a friend for now. She needs to know me a different person again, and that she is also open to new relationships and I might be the one again. In tears, she said “I am asking you to be my friend first” but at the same time she said “the possibility is less to be more than a friend”. She wants a responsible father in me, in which she can share the moments of bringing up of our daughter. She hasn’t got anybody to share such moments. Finally, we made promises to stay in contact through all kinds of communication means to extend our so called friendship (for which I am not ready). Such promises are though falling apart slowly but surely. More from her side, as she doesn’t treat me at all, very casual, responds mails without salutation or subject, break promises of calling me and pretending that she was too busy to call me. Tall and short of everything, she does not need me anymore. After I came back for a short visit, I called this friend who she says she is attracted to, he said and explained me things that were more personal, firstly he suggested me to get over with her as she is very persistent about it, secondly he explained that she was more confirmed when I was there to visit her that her decision was right. This freaked me out. I guess she has completely made up her mind and she is using this buffer-time of friendship to come over from our marriage. Else, she is using me as a second best option. However, her commitment towards me is gone completely. She changed from one day to the other; I have evidence indicating love the previous day and decision of break-up the next day. Also, in order to please me, she said that my coming to see her and Carolyn was successful and she was glad to have spent good time with me and Carolyn. With this face and hope, I went back with my assignment. Now I learnt that she is contacting this friend for sharing emotions with him, although he has cut the communication and he told me that. He also explained her words again that it is mostly over and she still considers your visit as completely waste of time. And that my visit has confirmed her that she is not ready to have me back. I am hurt that women I loved most and still love, has shown no signs of understanding and trust. I guess she needs me as a friend and more so as a father to do the minimum damage that might affect our daughter. I love my daughter, and would maintain healthy contact with her. But right now, I am just too broken. Also she is persistent to be friends, which I don't want. She has sent this legal notice for a legal separation for a year which will consequently lead to divorce. Not even a month has passed. When I don't call, she either calls or mails me back to talk to my daughter, although, I want to remain distanced, but she gets into asking about me, my professional life abroad, pictures of abroad etc. She even said she cares for me, she likes me a lot, she wants to be in contact with me, she wants to know how my day was at work etc. But there is no love, atleast thats what she says now. It is about a month now when she declared the breakup. I don't know what to do, I cannot stay as friends at least now, I want to be in touch with my daughter, and she is the medium to get to her on video chatting. Also, I still love her and want the relationship be salvaged. Please give your viewpoints.
Yasuandio Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I am very so very sorry this has happened to you. But, I mean, seriously, what did you expect? How is a marriage to succeed if you, by choice, took an assignment in a different country for year(s) at a time? Would of, could of, should of. Now it's too late. In the future, try not to get yourself employed in a different country than your family resides. If this is the only country you can get employment, then you must find a way to have your family with you. Obviously, in order to seek reconcilation, you would need to be somewhere near your family, like, that means in the same country. You have not only abondoned your wife during this interval, but your daughter as well. And no, video chatting does not take the place of being a Dad. And if you were to suddenly make yourself available as a husband and Father, there are no guarentees she could fall back in love with you again. You could try, perhaps take an extended leave of absence, attempt to win your family back. If you are successful, you must never leave them alone again. This is only one perspective. Wait to see what other more experienced LS posters have to say. Good luck to you.
Yasuandio Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 See JBL32's post. Very similar situation. I hope you get more responses.
trippi1432 Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 First off, so sorry to hear your story...distance is hard on a relationship...think to our married troops overseas and how hard they have it as well. Given today's economy, people have to find work where they can but not sure why you had to do that assignment...I'm sure the end result was to provide for your family. I work with a lady who had to leave her husband and almost grown kids to take a job in another state due to a company merger..instead of giving up her 20+ year marriage, they work on the distance issue and have managed well. It takes incredible love and strength on both parts, but it does sound like your wife is one that needs you close for her to feel secure. Distance like that is not for everyone in a marriage....the lack of the physical connection can be hard...lack of words of affirmation and acts of service hard to show when faced with knowing the physical presence previously. Some people just are not good at the little things....and some are not good at seeing the little things done for them in return. Will these assignments continue in the long term and how much do you feel you want to invest in trying to save it?
Author anneel Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) I believe that everything is possible. But the way these days my ex (although we are only legally separated) is treating me now is like a plastic bag. Although she is more interested in Carolyn to talk to me and concerned about her. Also, to point out here that she was initially very interested in me going to take this assignment, that means a lot to me, her and our family. This decision was not entirely mine, she agreed to it, we talked about it and now she seems to have no hope. But I feel over time, she gave up too easily. Also, the fact that I could not devote much quality time due to sudden shock of my dad's demise. Everything came all at a time. It poured on me like anything. I have been convincing her about the misery of my life, but it seems she considers only as an excuse, to which I am angry. The problem is not the rejection here but the acceptance that one sided street gives no hope for the two-way traffic, atleast now. I am taking my time, to settle down, reconsider things when they are at ease, giving my false ego's aside, working on salvaging the relationship. But sending her legal notice has given less room for me to experiment. I know she loves me (though it is lost now), but she does write, talk, and care about me. Thats what she has in the stock now, don't really know what future holds for us. I believe in the power of love over distance, because she just can't go this phase of life, it means a lot to her and me. I have told her to just leave the assignment for her, but she does not like the idea of leaving one for the other, when the situation is unilateral. Although it is bad enough, but good for both of us to salvage this marriage, somehow, somewhere, if it is not too late. If I am unfortunate enough, then I see this to empower me as a better human being, the joys of which we would not relish together. Its been a month now, please suggest me if you have any to add. Edited March 4, 2011 by anneel
Eddie Edirol Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 She gave up on your marriage because she WANTED to. I suspect she felt unappreciated before you took this assignment. So you dont have a chance to save it while you are in contact with her. the only thing to do is stay far away from her. You didnt want to be friends with her, dont. Stay away, dont let her find out about anything that you are doing. let her wonder. Dont talk to her, its either 100% or nothing. When she realizes that the guy she is after isnt all hes cracked up to be, then she might come looking for you. In the meantime, you cant let her hear from you. let her miss you.
trippi1432 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I don't know...I guess you can go one of two ways....if this guy has broken communication with her and she wants to continue communicating with you....this could be one way to continue showing her the man she married...committed and in tune to his family. On the other hand, you could go LC on just discussing your daughter, showing her little care and she can take all that she is feeling about you...the communication and the emotional connection and find someone else to share that with when she sees that you and this guy have cut her off. When people get lonely, they seek out company...with the distance being a factor...if you go silent, go dark...become secretive...you will seal the fate that it is over. Distance can be the killer of a relationship....in some cases it can be overcome, but both parties have to want it to. You might want to check some stories over on the Long Distance Relationships thread...there are a lot of people over there that might be able to give some insight as well.
Author anneel Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 Dear All, First of all I should thank you for your relentless support and consideration of my case. I thought I will not come out of this situation. But with your guidelines I probably I may through. As I am new on job, I have coworkers but no friends, which makes even more painful. Spending time at the job is OK but its the time when you come home with nothing to do, is the worst. Coming to no contact with her, I am not sure this is a good idea in my case. I have a daughter, she needs to be in touch with me, her mom keep telling her that papa will phone you on weekends. Sometimes, I feel she uses her as a communication between us, but I may be wrong or too hopeful. Almost 2 weeks ago, I have sent a second chance letter to her indicating the facts of our life, what went wrong, what could be done etc. I even mentioned that work on it before it gets too late. Immediately in the evening I got a call saying that she has read the letter but will take time to answer it. In emails she mentions that Oh! I could not get time to answer due to hectic work and exhaustion. But I have told her take your time. So far, no talking on this platform. To the friendship issue, I am not comfortable and I told her I don't need a friend in her, at the same time I am not you enemy. She said its not so simple, she cares for me, she likes to know about my daily life and would like to keep in touch but she said there is no love. To which I angrily said, that its over b/w us too. She replied you only see as black and white, there are different shades in a relationship. After few days of no contact, she again mailed me asking to talk to Carolyn, I cannot refuse that. She is a part of me, she is my blood, I will do anything for her. With the peer pressure, such precedents in Europe, she has succumbed to the pressure, I even don't know what she wants, she has not told me that directly. What I feel, where I was wrong that I should have taken her more in confidence regarding my job. Other nitties gritties happens in every family, they could not be excuses for breakup. Marriage is too strong than other relationships. At last, it is been almost two months, when she last said she doesn't want me and one month of our minimum communication on phone or mails, its difficult to cut communication as Carolyn will suffer. All matters related to Carolyn had to be discussed among father and mother. She sends all such letters, application etc. My mind needs break from this whole situation, either this way or that way is what I need to decide, it answers nothing expect the fact wait for the time. Pls. give your best shot.
trippi1432 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 She said its not so simple, she cares for me, she likes to know about my daily life and would like to keep in touch but she said there is no love. To which I angrily said, that its over b/w us too. She replied you only see as black and white, there are different shades in a relationship. After few days of no contact, she again mailed me asking to talk to Carolyn, I cannot refuse that. She is a part of me, she is my blood, I will do anything for her. Anneel - My condolences....but when someone says that there are many different shades in a relationship (or marriage in your case), they are not in the relationship...but exploring the avenues. She is your wife, not your girlfriend or dating partner. There ARE many different stages to a relationship/marriage...where a couple grow together from stage to stage...but when someone introduces "shades of grey"...be warned.
Author anneel Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 First off, my taking on an assignment was a mutual decision, it was well thought and she agreed to it. Its only after few months, she said its over. I don't know why, may be its too cold and harsh winter in Europe to blame or her state of mind. Secondly, she is not attempting now to even visit me at my place, as she says she needs a company (as always) to come and visit us. Nobody volunteered to bring them here. Thirdly, my parents and her shared a lot of understanding with each other, she is OK in meeting my parents over her stay and this is also 9 hours flight. So what is a diff. b/w 9 hrs flight to 12 hours flight with Carolyn. I cannot understand. At the end, I could not understand, what she has to do with my parents, or may be she is using as a pretext to visit my homeland, which she loves and continues to love. As I stand on my viewpoint, once a legal separation is processed, what is left? what it has to do with visiting my homeland and my family. think it over and reply. pls.
trippi1432 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Anneel....what is yours and your wife's culture? Culture and distance play a big part...religion as well perhaps in this case...please reply.
Author anneel Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 thanks trippi for showing your interest in my case. I belong to a Marwar community of Nepal and she is a Christian. As such we both don't practice religion. Rather we are liberals. She is not baptised in any church. One thing I don't understand, why does she want to be in touch. What will she achieve from that? My life, showing interest in what breakfast do I eat, how is job etc.etc. With no doubt that I have told her I am always there for Carolyn. She is a irreplaceable part of me, I would care, love and protect her all my life. Haven't heard anything on the second chance letter? I guess it has also gone in a cold box as our relationship. Please comment
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