She doesn't want a relationship, yet she continues to get closer...

[confused2585]

Hi everybody.

I am now a 25 year old man who went to high school with a now 23 year old woman. We have been friends for about seven years, but never close friends. I was a good friend of her best friend in high school, and am still in contact with that friend.

 

The woman I am interested in started cutting my hair about six months ago. The first time she did so, I told her I could run to the ATM to pull out some cash for her, or if she wanted, I could take her out for a few drinks. She was interested in going out for a few, so we did so. We had a good time, though no romantic intentions were applied.

 

A couple months later, she came to my house and cut my hair again. I told her I could pay her, or we could do the same as we did the previous time. She opted for the second choice, and we went out. Once again, we had a good time. As I have known her for so long, I told her that if she wanted to, she could spend the night if she felt she couldn't drive (Neither of us were belligerent, by the way, but she is petite, and I didn't want her to drive drunk). She chose to spend the night, and I told her that I would sleep on the couch and she could take my bed if she wished. She told me that she didn't mind if I too, slept in my bed. I did so, and nothing happened.

 

We texted each other back and forth, and in small-talk, asked each other what we wanted in general. Mind you, I wasn't technically dating this girl. She told me that she hasn't been single much, and she wouldn't mind casually dating. I, on the other hand, have now been single for almost three years after an over three year committed relationship.

 

After about another month, I asked her if she'd be willing to cut my hair again. She complied, and I told her I'd like to go out again. She replied "LIKE A DATE?!" and I told her that if she wanted it to be a date, then it would be.

 

We went out again, had an absolutely awesome time. Once again, we didn't drink TOO much, had some dinner, had absolutely wonderful conversation, never a dull moment. Afterwards, we went back to my house and went to bed. She threw her arm around me and fell asleep, leaving me thinking "Ok, maybe she DID have a few too many." The next day, she gave me a hug and went on her way.

 

Long story short (kind of, haha), we have gone out about three more times since then. She continually gets closer to me. We went out for drinks and food again, and that night, she gave me some kisses. The next morning, when she left, she thanked me for taking her out completely (she normally offers to pay for some cab fare and drinks/food) and gave me a good kiss goodbye. We went out one more time since then, and "made out" at my house for quite a while. Next day, I got a really long hug with "you're really nice to hug" followed by a very long, nice kiss. She had plans the following day with her girlfriends, and she sent me a text message telling me about how she talks about me to them. She invited me over to her house the next night, introduced me to her mother (whom I found out has also heard a lot about me), we played a few video games, watched a movie as she cuddled with me, and when I left, I got another long session of kisses.

 

We talk to one another almost every day, and she is now ending our conversations with "xoxo", yet whenever I bring it up, she tells me she doesn't have time for a commitment. I have heard things like this before, and I know there's potential for that to mean "I like you, but I don't want a relationship with YOU", but why would I be getting such mixed signals?

 

She told me she wanted to casually date (ONLY) from the get-go, so why is she continually getting closer to me if I am the one letting her make the moves, respecting that "casual date" feel?

 

This feels like much more than a "friends with benefits" thing. I feel like if that's what she wanted, she would've made more drastic moves sooner than she did.

 

Thanks in advance for any insight.

[Eddie Edirol]

problem is, you might not know her true history and what she is really looking for.

 

She might be on the rebound, and looking for a booty call.

 

She might actually be looking for a relationship but youre turning her off because youre pushing her. when a guy pushes like that its a HUGE turnoff. She might want to take it slow.

 

Assume its a booty call until she says different. Enjoy the time. Unless you have others lining up at your door that told you they want a relationship right away, then go with the wind blows on this one.

 

Everyone wants to only casual date to take things slow so a relationship doesnt get burned out too fast.

 

Relax and enjoy the ride. Dont push her, flip the script and let her chase you for the commitment, she wants to earn your heart, dont just hand it to her. Dont answer all of her calls or texts, and dont bring up the relationship talk anyjmore, you might just send her running. if you like her, dont take the chance. Just chill.

[confused2585]

Thanks for the reply. She has told me that she wants to take things slow, and I told her that I completely respect that, and I also want to take things slow, and so far, that has been my plan. As I said, she has been the one making all of the actual moves, yet she seems a bit sweeter on me than just standard booty call behavior.

[confused2585]

That's another thing, too. She never rejects a date. For example, last week, I asked her if she wanted to go out on Saturday. She knows that I get off work at 11PM and told me that she had plans with her girlfriends on Saturday, so she told me that she would love to go out on Friday instead. We did.

 

There's never a dull moment. I can make this girl laugh and keep conversation with her better than most people I ever have before.

[youaretheone]

It sounded to me like she has one of these two options in her mind:

 

1) She is looking for a fwb or nsa relationship. That's why she is very insisting about you two sleeping in the same bed and coming home to cut your hair. But then I ask why she goes out with you, tells her mother and friends about you, etc.? Those are not things that you do with a fwb.

2) She either keeps you on the backburner in case she wants a ltr some time in the future or she likes the attention and all the dates you are providing her.

[confused2585]

a little less abbreviation please? haha, my apologies.

 

wait... i got it. Well, now you're in the same boat as me it appears!

[heartshaped]

IMO, she likes you, but doesn't want a relationship. I'd say stay on the path you are on, take things slowly, and see where it leads.

[blackmagik]

You ask why if she would have made more drastic moves. Are you making any of the moves? Did you reciprocate any of her physical contact?

 

You may have been put into another category for not making any moves. And could have been half friend-zoned, but like a make-out friend. If she says she wants to casually date from the beginning then that is probably what she is doing with you. I would say go for it and make a move on her, she probably wont reject from what you are saying about your relationship.

[confused2585]

I have made a few moves, yes. She made all the first moves, as I wanted to respect her "casual date" wishes.

 

Now, whenever I see her, I get hugs and kisses. Like I said, I feel like this is something past a casual date, friend with benefits or just a friend, as she has obviously talked about me to her friends and folks. I've never gotten minute-long hugs and kisses from anybody when leaving their house.

[blackmagik]

You should be making a few moves yourself. She may wonder why she is making all the first moves. Women love to be chased and seek attention. They also don't like to be the only one advancing the relationship, may it be casual or serious.

[snug.bunny]

You should be making a few moves yourself. She may wonder why she is making all the first moves. Women love to be chased and seek attention. They also don't like to be the only one advancing the relationship, may it be casual or serious.

 

I'd agree with this except she told him she "didn't have time for a commitment".

 

Though from the sound of it, they spend a lot of time together as is so obviously she is committing herself and her time because she likes him and likes spending time with him.

 

OP so you invite her over to your house to cut your hair, and then you ask her out and the second time you invited her to sleep over. I assume she is your hairdresser OP? Maybe she is hesitant because of the business/client relationship (i.e. her being your hairdresser). That could explain why she said she just wants to date casually from the beginning and it's good that you asked her out on a date separate from getting your hair cut.

 

You've been dating for 3-4 months now from the sound of it, and she seems to react positively to you, so try being more verbally affectionate towards her, you could also throw in a few subtle hints referring yourself to her as your boyfriend and see how she reacts.

[Movingthrough]

I bring it up, she tells me she doesn't have time for a commitment

 

Something like that right there is pretty much your answer. Even if you were to get her in a relationship somehow, that comment is an issue. She likes the good time and stuff but doesnt want it serious so basically it wont be serious.

 

You do have to be a little more aggressive (if thats the word) like when she said "like a date" you should have said "yeah a date, im taking you out" or something. They want to know you want it, or else they dont know.

 

But that comment above is a red flag for me.

[confused2585]

She is my hairdresser, but only at my house. I've never been to her salon before. She has only cut my hair three or four times, as my old hairdresser started to flake out. We've been dating for just over two months now, and we see each other every other weekend, as both of our schedules conflict during the week. She tells me she doesn't have time currently for a commitment because she works a lot, and goes to college full time. As of late, she has been ending our day-long conversations when she goes to bed with something like "sweet dreams, talk soon! Xoxo"

[Nukulus]

Am I the only one here, who thinks he should just take her at her word. That she is too busy for commitment?

 

If what you have, and the pace that you are progressing is OK with you, then I would just go with it. No point in ruining a good thing with pressure.

 

Obviously she likes you, cares for you, and from the way you talk wouldn't have time for another guy friend (i.e. you're not the back up plan I would think).

 

Maybe she just feels she can't devote enough of her time to a "real" relationship since they can only see each other on weekends because of work and school. Not to mention her wanting to maintain her other friendships.

 

Anyway, if it were me I would just go with it. Take cues from her in terms of how much to put into it, and until she indicates otherwise maintain the "casual-ness" of it and don't be surprised if it ends abruptly for some reason (i.e. school just get's way busier, she needs more hours at work, etc.) I wouldn't necessarily be looking for anything else on the side, but I would be more careful about potentially falling for this girl down the road. Gotta protect yourself! Best of Luck!