My ex girlfriend said she would NEVER give me a 2nd chance. But I still want her.

[shawn923]

LONG READ

 

Ok... We only dated about 3 months, but we both fell in love and things were AMAZING. We are both in college, going to the same school. Things were perfect in my opinion, but one day my controlling behavior, and me being too insecure became too much for her and she left. I felt HORRIBLE. I had lost probably the best thing in my life at the time. And to make matters worse, i begged and begged and begged for her back. All attempts failed of course. That only drove me even more depressed. So as a last resort, I ignored her for a few days, and went ALL OUT on valentines day. Surprising her with a diamond necklace, bear, chocolate, and a note basically pouring my heart out and telling her I miss her and asking her to just open her mind to the possibility of us ever getting back together. This turned out to be DEADLY. She returned my gifts, and let it be known there would no NO CHANCE she'd ever give me another chance. She said she doesnt give second chances, so once its over, its over. And shes said that a number of times, making it clear she doesnt want to be with me. BUT... what caused our breakup was not the fact that i hurt her. I never hurt her. I didnt cheat or hit her ever, which are some things i can consider are good reasons u wouldnt give a second chance... All i did was act selfishly, something ive owned up to and agreed to work on. Its a problem that i KNOW i can fix, yet she said she can not give me a second chance over this... This makes me soooooo frustrated and depressed at the same time...

 

sooooo, I let it all go, and decided to erase her out my life after she returned my gifts. After 3 days... she texts me. saying she still exists and that she feels like **** over the way things happened. I told her i agreed with the breakup, and we can go our separate ways, and that our timing was just wrong. No hard feelings, just accepting it is what it is. (even though i cried later that night and still do occasionally:lmao:) SO.... obviously she told me she doesnt wanna be with me, but cant seem to let me go. It gives me mixed signals. She told me she never give me a second chance, but I REALLY want her back. I really feel shes my soulmate. I dont know what to do cuz she acts like she's scared to lose me as a friend and walk into another girls arms, but then again i remember she said ill never have a second chance... Neither of us are dating right now. So im in a heavy dilenma. My heart has to get her back, i cant see myself being with nobody else. So do i forget about her and cut her out my life? Or keep hope alive in the back of my head, because the crime i did wasnt all that huge to begin with?

 

Oh and i returned the bear to her because she liked it. Bad move? We still text and see eachother ramdomly thru school... and shes pretty flirtacious the one time we were alone, but with her friends shes acts stuck up... and whenever i mention our break up even a little bit she gets upset quickly...

 

oh and just today she asked for her scarf back, the only thing i have left of her. and she wants it tmr and when i asked what she was doin, she said she was with her ex from before me, but it was strictly friendly.... although im thinkin maybe dats made up n she might have said that just to get me jealous, but i really dont know. so please people, i need help!

[Eddie Edirol]

You have to cut her off. Since she has the upper hand in this breakup, and she knows you want her back, she cant know that you want her back. If you want any chance of getting her back, you have to LOOK like youve moved on. You dont actually have to be flirting with these women, just talking to them.

That means, letting her see you talk to other women

Not talking to her even in text

You ignore her texts, and tell her its 100% or nothing if she comes calling. She misses your company, but doesnt miss bieng in a relationship with you, thats why she texts you now. But what she is doing is weaning herself off of you through friendship Dont let her do that. Cut her off completely so she might feel uncomfortable. if she doesnt feel that way, you have no chance anyway. She HAS to know that you forgot about her for her to be curious about you again. You have to dress better, smile and look like you are better off without her. Only then will she think she is missing something.

 

She wont think she is missing something if you are still in contact with her and you are moping around. get it?

 

When a woman breaks it off with you because of a guys insecurity, and loss of attractiveness, they generally dont go backwards. That is what generally happens. Trust me, everyone here has learned that from personal experience, multiple times.

 

If she actually calls you up and expresses interest in trying again, then you have to start over from scratch like she is a new person.

[shawn923]

Yeah that sure sounds easy... But i just never understood why ignoring her completely would bring her back. I mean she still asking for her stuff tmr too, should i give it back? And were still on facebook as friends because i dont have a reason to just delete her. and sometimes ill post heartbroken quotes and songs as my status... bad move?

[depplover_1980]

Hi Shawn,

 

This statement concerns me:

 

BUT... what caused our breakup was not the fact that i hurt her. I never hurt her. I didnt cheat or hit her ever, which are some things i can consider are good reasons u wouldnt give a second chance... All i did was act selfishly, something ive owned up to and agreed to work on.

 

This sounds like you are belittling the reason it ended and actually not taking responsibility for your own behaviour - you don't come across as very sorry and like you think it's a small problem. How do you know your selfish behaviour didn't hurt her? Something has done to make her end it.

 

Personally I think you need to distance yourself from her and act the complete opposite to how she's expecting you to behave - that way it will really make her think 'maybe he wasn't that bad'. But she will only come back if the good times between you were great times and only you know truthfully how the relationship was between you two.

[Chi townD]

"Roll over...now, speak". That's how she's viewing you right now. She now knows all she has to do is snap a finger and you'll come running. You need to get some self confidence and stand on your own two feet. I read your post and it reads like someone that is EXTREMELY desperate. Others have posted good advice.I would suggest NC with this girl and try to forget about her. No texting, no phone calls (easier said than done right?) Still for your own sanity, you need to do this.

 

Hang with friends, go out and have a good time! You're in College for Christ sakes! Now, chances are she might not come back. If she doesn't, then mark this up as lessons learned, and then apply what you've learned to the next girl that turns your head. But, if she does come back, she'll WANT to come back to a strong, assertive and fun guy.

[shawn923]

Well i hear you guys loud and clear. I just dont see how going NC is going to help... i mean it could, but we go to the same school so i see her randomly. and i seen her today, gave her her scarf, and she saw me talking to another girl. she came over to us and was obviously jealous and mad.... stuff like that is what gives me hope, because if she really moved on, she wouldnt give a s*** who i talked to. For example my other ex's honestly dont care who i date and vice versa, we have an understanding. With her its like she gets heated whenever i just speak to another girl, and i would be mad as well if she did too.. so uggggh! i know i can go NC it would just be a little hard but like u said im in college so i can DEF do it. i just dunno if i should resort to that at this point, when im still getting signs of life in this relationship...

[shawn923]

Oh and Chi TownD im also from chicago lol

[Chi townD]

OKay! well there you go brother! Showing signs of life! Part of the NC process (the main part) is a time for you to heal. Someone once said that all the little texts and phonecalls and FB status updates..etc...etc.. is to make sure you're still there. Checking to see if the dog is still on the leash. She's giving you breadcrumbs...nothing more. I lot of people are gonna tell you to stay NC until she comes to your door and says she's sorry, she made a mistake and she wants to give it another go....if she doesn't want to do that.. her loss... Sounds like you got a good head on your shoulders.

[shawn923]

Yea i know all the advice i got so far was to leave her alone and to go NC. and theres always 1 or 2 ppl that say oh u need to be there for her and what not... for example tonight, i was planning on putting up a song that shows how i feel... and at the same time its a subliminal to her. and it actually does just that, it lets her know im still here... I just dont see the logic behind why i WOULDNT wanna let her know im still here, and if it does come to that, idk if i SHOULD or if i NEED to. because shes been very consistent with her "im not giving u another chance so stop asking" act. so idk how going NC is going to change her mind...

 

oh and i appreciate all u guys info, it really helps!

[depplover_1980]

She's being consistent with saying she doesn't want you, so you think it's logical to let her know you're still here? Really? You're heading for a fall.

[TaraMaiden]

Grow up,

Man up,

Move on.

 

You're way too young to be hung up by something that I absolutely guarantee you in a year's time will not even figure on your memory radar.

[shawn923]

K guys im trying. Been NC for about 10 days. she commented on my picture on fb but i didnt reply. so i guess im not on the leash lol... hopefully thats a good thing...

[Layzie89]

Dude...you keep saying "I don't see how going NC will help" when just about every post on this thread thus far has given a reason as to why you should continue NC. Get out of your shell, and empty your cup man. It's obvious what you're doing now (still talking to her, remaining friends, posting songs and quotes) ISN'T working because if it were working she'd be back with you right now. You're new here and these people don't offer made up advice that they have a hunch might work, they offer advice that they have tried and tested themselves...ways to handle a breakup that have helped them and many others.

 

She knows you care. She's stringing you along and right now you're her little poodle. Show her that YOU DON'T CARE. Even though inside you still do...you gotta man up and take control man. Girls like a challenge..they like the thrill of the chase. Your in college you should know all this by now man...it's the basics.

[Lemontang]

K guys im trying. Been NC for about 10 days. she commented on my picture on fb but i didnt reply. so i guess im not on the leash lol... hopefully thats a good thing...

 

Actually dude what would be a good thing is if you just dropped her off facebook. That's proper NC. Then you'd have no need to read into anything from her, let alone pine away wondering if she still thinks about you.

 

You need to man up and be assertive to yourself and not run around with your tail between your legs waiting for the next doggy treat. Stop worrying about how she feels. She broke up with you, not the other way around. And when she does try to find solace in you, it's really only to make herself feel good not you. Don't eat the bread crumbs.

 

Unless she's banging down your door asking you for a second chance, you shouldn't even be thinking about her.

[betterdeal]

Work on that selfishness thing. You say you can change. Do it. Change. If you want to discuss that here, go ahead. Something needs to change inside you, regardless of whether or not you and her get together again.

 

3 months is the standard issue honeymoon period, when lust and showmanship are order of the day. It feels great. It feels like being alive for the first time in your life. But it cannot last longer than 3 months. If you want a long term relationship then you have to be able to relate with one another beyond that stage.

 

There's no such thing as a soul mate. There are people we get on with, people we get on with really well, and people we don't get on with. For a relationship to be durable you have to know who you are, what you want, like, need, enjoy and find someone whose own likes, needs, interests firstly don't clash with yours and secondly are somewhat similar in some areas. Love grows. It is the sum of how you feel about each other. You can grow together, learn together and be shaped partly by each other, but you can't be on honeymoon forever.

 

If you want to enjoy that lustful and showy period, find someone else and fall in lust with her for 3 months and rinse and repeat.

[shawn923]

Ok... I think im well on my way to healing.

 

Does my relationship sound AT ALL salvageable? And if so when should i be looking for REAL signs? Like how long into the NC period if i havent heard anything, should I make the final attempt? Im thinkin by the time the summer hits... Which is May. My plan is to NC her to May, and if she's still single by then, i'll send her a text or call casually... sound good? or sooner? or later? or never because she doesnt deserve me at all anymore??? lol...

[TaraMaiden]

I really don't want to shout, but you don't get it, so:

 

NEVER CONTACT HER AGAIN, EVER, EVER, EVER!

 

No contact means moving on, no contact means starting over again, in a new life, on your own, and giving yourself time to absolutely experience a life completely on your own, doing your own stuff without so much as a glimmer of a thought about her!!!

 

GET OVER IT!!

 

Drop it, let it go, and don't ever think of a maybe when....!

 

 

I hope you got it, that time.....

[Layzie89]

Ok... I think im well on my way to healing.

Um, no. Still not getting what were saying man. I think you have a SERIOUS problem processing information and I think you have VERY selective hearing.

[NoEnd_Mary]

You need to let this woman go! She's shown and told you that IT'S OVER! I'm sorry it hurts but at this point you are wasting a lot of time and brain energy on breadcrumbs. You are so young and in college. I would kill to be back in my 20's. There's a lot out there to explore and a lot more ppl you haven't met yet. If you stayed tied up w/thoughts of this b*tch, you'll miss out on everything. Don't make the mistake I did. I spent 3 yrs trying to get over a man I fell in love with. I spent my 24th yr sleeping my life away for a whole entire year! Don't let this happen to you! And now I look back and regret it. I could have done so much with that wasted time.

 

Don't beg her anymore. It is sounding desperate. And as a woman I can tell you that we don't want desperate men. I know you are sorry for what you did but she already told you she doesn't give 2nd chances. What more do you need to hear! Learn from your mistake and don't repeat it!

[takemedrunkimhome]

yeah man, like the posters above, let it go. sometimes hope can be a dangerous thing, especially if it nevers happen the way you want it to.

[joshextreme]

NC NC NC *rooting* lol. yeah bro i was with my girl a year and once you accept that there is no hope its like a new door opens up. you see other options. i legit felt like i was stuck in a dungeon because i thought the only option i wanted was her. but then we said our goodbyes and i recently restarted FLOW BLOWN NC. shes out of my life and there are other girls out there waiting to be loved by me . she may come back one day and i wont say that im just gonna turn her away like she lost her chances. if that happens ill let my feelings carry me. just now in your fragile state alls you can do is say EFF my heart and start thinking with your head. because your heart lies when you break up. learned that the hard way