Why won't he be official? Should I cut him out of my life? :(

[shc518]

Long, but PLEASE help

 

I'm 18, he's 17. I'm in college (in NY) and he goes to my old high school. He's from Finland and moved to my hometown and I met him through a mutual friend. He was really into me and I wasn't sure if I should reciprocate. I wasn't sure if I should let my guard down for someone because I had gone through heartbreak with this guy a year ago. One night he asked if I wanted to go on a walk with him (we live 2 min apart) so I did. We went to the park and talked for HOURS, him telling me all about his life in Finland and teaching me some Finnish. After a few hours, he mustered up the courage to kiss me.

 

We talked everyday until I came home again. We'd talk for hours and even when he was in Finland for Thanksgiving break, he would always message me and tell me how much he missed me and how I was doing. He called me long distance and told me that a couple girls there wanted to hook up with them, but told them that he had someone else in the States. The next time I saw him was after new years day because he was going in Finland again the first week of his winter break (his was 1 week) which was also my winter break (mine was 1 month). We waited a month and a half and finally reunited on new years day. We hung out everyday after he came home from school and spent nights watching movies, hanging at his house, driving around, and just spending time with one another in any way possible. We were inseparable and we both knew we had very strong feelings for each other.

 

Near the end of break, I brought up the long-distance talk cause we were basically a couple. He paid for my dinners, he introduced me to his dad who really loved me, told me how much his son liked me, and we did everything a bf/gf would do! We were intimate, trusted each other, and saw no one else. When I brought it up with him, he said he couldn't do it. His reasons:

 

- i'm too "far" from him (NY to DC is 3.5 hours away)

- he's going back to finland in the summer (ok, so he can't live in the moment?)

- there is no point in being in a relationship if you know when its going to end (again, why can't we just live in the moment if we both really like each other and act like a couple?)

 

He said that I'm the only one and that he was happy the way we were. He said that he didn't want to be official and that even if we acted like a couple, there was no need to have to make it official and put a label on it. He even went as far to tell me (multiple times) that even though we couldn't be together now, he would come back for me in 7 years when he's grown up and marry me.

 

A week after I go back to NY, he surprised me by coming up to spend the week with me. It was the best surprise ever. But again I tried to bring up the "being official" topic again and he told me the same things. When he went home we kept talking as usual, but it still bothered me. Valentines Day was coming up so I told him "you know what would be the best valentine's gift? you asking me to be official" He responded back by saying that he couldn't. That's when I sent him a huge text saying that it didn't make sense, we both liked each other enough that we're basically in a long distance relationship anyway, etc. All he said was "I'm sorry but I can't change my mind" Then I asked him what was the point of us keeping up with this then and he just said "Nothing then, I guess if you keep talking like that"

 

We argued the next few days and I told him that I let my guard down because I really liked him, wanted a relationship, and he didn't care about me enough to want to be together. So I said goodbye and that I would still remember all the good memories an times we had. He responded "I'm really upset... that just made me really sad". I told him that I still care about him and that his was the first time that I felt something like this with someone and he said "I feel the same way but I can't be official with you. I wish you accept me as i am". The rest of our conversation is basically me telling him how many tears I've wasted over him, how much it hurts that we can't even try to be official. he said he felt like such a dick and how hurt he was too, and how he wished that I was there with him. He also FB chatted my friend asking how I was doing and she told him "Not good. she's not the same happy girl we know. it's your fault you know" and then he told her that " She's coming home president's day weekend, i'm going to talk to her face to face". Presidents day weekend comes. I text him at 5pm that I'm home and if he can see me. He said he was going to the basketball game with his friend but that he could see me after. I told him to text me when he was done but this didn't happen until 4 hours later and texts from me asking him where he was and why he was ignoring me. He finally replied "I'm with mikey right now and we were just at ____'s house and now we're going to ____'s house." I was SO pissed that I just went to sleep. Then, he called and woke me up at 1am to tell me to meet him at his house. I went anyways.

 

I was so mad at him and kept rejecting his kisses when I got there. I told him it was so painful to look at him knowing he didn't want to be in a relationship, and he kept telling me to not say that and to cuddle with him. Out of frustration, we ended up doing it (one of many times that we've done it) but i was still frustrated. I got out of bed to get my things and leave but he followed me NAKED to the front door begging me not to leave with this sorrowful look on his face. He asked me to come over tomorrow to meet his cousins who were flying in to visit to which i said fine.

 

The next day I asked him what he was doing. He said "i'm having lunch with mikey and then i'm picking up my cousins". I was so pissed because it sounded like he didn't even consider making time for me, despite the fact that he was picking up his cousins at 8pm. I told him to forget about it and when he asked why, I told him because it's stupid and I'm over it. Fast forward to 11:45pm he tells me to come over and when I ask why, he said "nevermind then" to which I said "no tell me why I should come over" and he said "I want you to meet my cousins". I didn't want to be rude in case he had told them that he wanted them to meet me so I went. He greeted me and kissed me in front of his cousins. We then drove around town showing them the DC landmarks and the entire time while I'm driving, he tried to hold my hand and lean in for kisses, which I rejected. When we got back to his house, I told him I needed to go home. He leaned in for a kiss again and every time I backed away he would keep coming closer. I went for the door and left.

 

The next day I just texted him to tell his cousins it was nice meeting them. He asked when I was leaving and i told him at 9:30am the next day. Then at 11:45, he asked me what I was doing but I was already asleep by then so I just woke up the next morning to find this text that pissed me off in the early hours of the day. He called me that evening and I went off on him. I explained that I felt like I was being stood up all weekend and especially since he knew that I was going to be home for barely 3 days, he should've made time to see me when he could see his friends any other weekend. He apologized but I told him that if he couldn't even make time for me, knowing that I wanted to see him, we should just stop. Since then, he's still trying to talk to me, asking me how I've been, etc. It hurts to try to cut him out of my life because I still care about him and he obviously does too if he keeps trying to contact me. He doesn't understand just how much I've been hurt but it's like he doesn't want to let me go.

 

AND i forgot to mention that he's STAYING ANOTHER YEAR. IT SHOULDNT EVEN BE A DECISION WHETHER OR NOT TO COMMIT TO ME. That in itself baffles me and I don't know if I should even bother anymore. What should i do?? I miss him so much but I don't know what to do. I don't want to pretend that we're an item when he can't commit

[Eddie Edirol]

You can DO whatever you want, but know this....

 

He is not into you. He doesnt care about you anywhere near as much as you care about him. When a guy doesnt want to put a "title" on your relationship, then he just sees you as a long term booty call. You give him that everytime you have sex with him without getting the title. He will never be in love with you, for whatever reasons he may have. You need to go find a guy that will be truly into you. You would be surprised at how fast someone who is into you will call you his girlfriend. Youre 18 now and it doesnt matter, but you are really wasting your time chasing after his heart, youre not going to get it. Hes not into you enough to give it to you. You also need to cut him off, totally. No calls, no nothing. He is probably banging other girls also, and thats why he wont commit to you.

[Nexus One]

Have you asked him WHY he doesn't want to be official?

[shc518]

I DID ask him why he didn't want to be official. I listed the reasons in the first post. He thinks the distance is too long and he didn't want me to feel even more hurt when the time came for him to leave in the summer. Only problem is that he just found out his credits from his high school in Finland transferred and he's staying one more year. THAT is the problem because even with the extra year he doesn't want to commit.

 

This is just annoying and I've basically given up. I just find it hard to distance myself from him on facebook and if he does ask to see me over spring break which is in less than 2 weeks for me, I'm gonna have a hard time saying no but I'm gonna have to.

 

I just don't understand why he invested so much time into this "relationship"... we only were seeing each other for sure, had no problem turning girls down when he went home for vacation, and his own friends from Finland refer to me as his "girlfriend", so why did he even put in all this effort for someone he cares about but can't be official with when we act like a couple in front of everyone? It wasn't like he was ignoring me in front of other people and kept me a secret.

[blackmagik]

Eddie is right. To him you are just a long term booty call. It makes sense. He doesn't want to hangout until his day is nearly done to begin with the last few times you listed that you hangout. He is still in high school and he has this college girl that wants him. To him that is like a golden trophy. So he will show you off to his friends and family but really that is all it is.

 

A guy who is truly into you would never not want to spend time with you while you were in town. Those times would be the time that he would drop what he is doing knowing that the time is limited. I would seriously not waste my time with this guy. He doesn't care about you or he would accept your request to make things official. If you are having a hard time distancing yourself on facebook, delete him. Deleting him will only help in the healing process.

[shc518]

Yeah, I get what you all are saying. It makes sense and I've just passed the point of even caring anymore cause this whole thing has made me so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I agree with you guys, it's just hard to think that he wasted my time for this long and now when I gave it my all he can't reciprocate. Oh well.

[Lilmisus]

Did you stop to think that maybe he didn't spend the time together that weekend was because he was tired of constantly fighting with you about being "official"? It seems like every other time y'all talk or see each other, it ends up being one of those fights and maybe he's just sick of it. He has told you no countless times and you keep pushing the subject, for what? A title on your relationship? The reasons he's given you are pretty legit reasons for not wanting to pursue a relationship that he knows wont take him anywhere, and he's probably been warned by many people and family members not to take any relationship to serious because his time here is going to be short (even if it has been extended a year).

 

I think you both have lack of sympathy here. Him for not wanting to pursue a relationship with you, and you for continuing to try. He has thrown his cards out on the table, plain for you to see and you refuse to look at them. You're the one who's hurting yourself here and exhausting yourself by trying so hard when you've known for quite some time that his stance on things. It's not like he's changed his mind somewhere down the road, so you can't blame the dude here at all. He wants something that wont tie him down when he leaves. And I agree with the others on here when they say he's probably having sex with others, especially since you live 3.5 hours away as it is, and probably only uses you for sex and for a good time when you're there. He's not looking for any serious and you need to respect that fact.

 

The way you respect it is by letting it go, and letting him go. Tell him that you're sorry that he feels this way about it, but since you guys can't be together in the end, you can't be together now. Cut off ALL communication with him. Hide him on Facebook. Actually, delete him and block him if it'll be too tempting to talk to him while he's still on your friends list. Tell your friends not to talk to him about you, if he asks say that you're doing great, but don't offer details. If he tries calling you, ignore the calls; better yet, if you can, block his calls. And if you go to town, don't go by his house. If he tries coming to yours or talking to you, give the "Oh..I'm so busy.." excuse and don't give him too much of your time. And while you're doing all this..find a guy who really wants to be with you and who wants the same things that you do in a relationship. It wont be too hard, and it'll come so much easier once you find a guy like that than it has been with this amazing 17 year old boy.