callsign Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Recently, after a year and a half of dating a beautiful, efusive loving woman I was told she has found a special friend on Facebook. In fact, she absolutely "adores" this other woman. Now, I understand that girls need girlfriends. There is a communication between women that we guys can try to understand, but really just don't get it. So, on one hand I think it's great she has found that special best friend, only problem is, I found myself getting a bit jealous. I guess it showed at dinner, with the new friend, and now its hit the fan. I was surprised at myself for these feelings, although I thought I behaved myself, my lovely is angry. Very angry. How wrong can I be, is it so crazy to feel a bit unsfe in what was, I thought, a beautiful committed relationship because of this. My girl is ecstatic about her Facebook friend who came a long distance to stay 5 days with her. What to do. Don't want to lose my girls and I'm pretty open minded about things at my age, but I worry. Girlfriend seems angrier that I may have put a damper on her weekend and is not noticing the deal is breaking my heart. A least until we can talk it out.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Any friendship that interfers in the marriage, makes one spouse feel uncomfortable, has to be talked about and dealt with. Obviously you don't like the "emotional" closeness they have for one another. Be honest and just let her know why you feel this way. Her reaction is odd though, why is she so angry and not trying to understand where you are coming from? It makes me think that she KNOWS she's too close to this woman friend and playing with fire.
Star_Bright Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Why do you feel jealous? Does your girlfriend have other friends? To me it sounds like she's excited to have a new friend. She hasn't done anything "wrong" -- inappropriate contact or secrets etc. Honestly I would be annoyed if I had a boyfriend who was jealous of my "girl friend." That's what the space is for... a girl who is a friend,. I don't get it but maybe I'm missing something. If she did something particularly inappropriate, I'd like to hear about it. Otherwise it seems like maybe you are just jealous that she has someone besides you in her life??
xpaperxcutx Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 OP, does your wife give off the feeling that she could swing the other way? I don't see how anyone would be jealous of the opposite sex unless your girl is a closeted lesbian.
Author callsign Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Many thanks people for the quick advice people. In fact more of the story came out one evening this weekend. Thoroughly blotto, my girl admitted she was in fact "in love" with the new friend. She "adores" her, but not romantically. Hmmmmm, OK. Still, although she says she loves me, she is acting differantly. Once, she was at my door all the time (we're neighbors) now, she doesn't seem to want to spend much time together. Other subtle behavioural changes too. Aside from this strange incident, I can't put my finger on anything specific, but my gut instincts have never in my entire 57 years been alerting me so strongly to a change for the worse in a relationship. It's really a sickening, I so love her and wanted to marry.
Author callsign Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Why do you feel jealous? Does your girlfriend have other friends? To me it sounds like she's excited to have a new friend. She hasn't done anything "wrong" -- inappropriate contact or secrets etc. Honestly I would be annoyed if I had a boyfriend who was jealous of my "girl friend." That's what the space is for... a girl who is a friend,. I don't get it but maybe I'm missing something. If she did something particularly inappropriate, I'd like to hear about it. Otherwise it seems like maybe you are just jealous that she has someone besides you in her life?? No, quite the contrary. My girls lost two very close friends, one from childhood and very intimate friendship. Cancer in both cases. I have seen the pain it gives her to not have that intimacy with another woman. I'm all for it. The thing that bothers me is not that she has friends, but she suddenly started treating me differantly. A real change in behaviour/ The loving person was suddenly answering the phone as if I did something wrong, when all I was doing is calling to say hello and how were things. When I called from work one day and asked point blank, "is everything oK with you, are we still ok?" She exploded. All she had to say was, sure fine, don't be silly. Nothing says over like her behaviour those 5 days.
Author callsign Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 OP, does your wife give off the feeling that she could swing the other way? I don't see how anyone would be jealous of the opposite sex unless your girl is a closeted lesbian. I guess my fear comes from the fact that, earlier in her life, my love had a 4 year relationship with another woman. You know, I'm OK with that. Love between two persons can't be gender limited. My fear here, is that the new friends Facebook page is full of lesbian women, or so it seems. I was worried this new person was taking advantage of my girl and some how out there "trolling", for something. You know, secret Facebook page, no real name, no photograph. It seemed fishy to me.
Author callsign Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Any friendship that interfers in the marriage, makes one spouse feel uncomfortable, has to be talked about and dealt with. Obviously you don't like the "emotional" closeness they have for one another. Be honest and just let her know why you feel this way. Her reaction is odd though, why is she so angry and not trying to understand where you are coming from? It makes me think that she KNOWS she's too close to this woman friend and playing with fire. I did let her know. Turned into a big row. All I needed was a bit of confirmation adn all I got was accusations of gross jealousy, "putting it all" on her, I had "issues". Geez, I took everyone out to dinner, "friend" included, I thought i behaved my self.
Author callsign Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 But she says no, it's not like that. I'm pretty open minded, just don't know what to believe.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I think it doesn't matter all that much whether her "other" relationship is sexual or not. The bottom line is she act as if she's "in love" with this other woman and even said as much. Any man who isn't shaken up over this needs to check his pulse to see if he's till alive. It's hard for me to fathom how anyone can be so non-chalant about this in their posts here. The OPer made it very clear that he understands women need their own friends and I'm sure he's happy for his SO if this were just a new friend. But clearly this is way more than that. I can totally identify with it. When I had a girl living with me another woman we worked with started calling my g/f every night. After I while I started getting annoyed. And after that I got downright pissed at both of them. I now they were not bi or gay or anything--they were just into some kind of relationship that made me feel like a nothing--an absolute nothing. The other girl was always the one who called our apartment so I can't say that my g/f initiated this but she just stayed on the phone for hours AND THEY WORKED IN THE SAME AREA IN THE SAME ROOM. What they hell could they be saying that couldn't be covered in person before, after work, during or during the hour lunch we got? Finally, I answered the telephone one night and got snippy with her. My g/f gave me some guff but I had to shout her down for how disrespectful and inconsiderate to me this had become day in and day out. So, I've always expected a double standard where girls may yack a lot more than I con understand, but there comes a point when ya gotta wonder WTF? This is the OP's moment and it sounds like there's more to the "relationship" than there was to whatever the hell going on between my g/f and her friend from work.
carrie999 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I think it doesn't matter all that much whether her "other" relationship is sexual or not. The bottom line is she act as if she's "in love" with this other woman and even said as much. Any man who isn't shaken up over this needs to check his pulse to see if he's till alive. It's hard for me to fathom how anyone can be so non-chalant about this in their posts here. The OPer made it very clear that he understands women need their own friends and I'm sure he's happy for his SO if this were just a new friend. But clearly this is way more than that. I can totally identify with it. When I had a girl living with me another woman we worked with started calling my g/f every night. After I while I started getting annoyed. And after that I got downright pissed at both of them. I now they were not bi or gay or anything--they were just into some kind of relationship that made me feel like a nothing--an absolute nothing. The other girl was always the one who called our apartment so I can't say that my g/f initiated this but she just stayed on the phone for hours AND THEY WORKED IN THE SAME AREA IN THE SAME ROOM. What they hell could they be saying that couldn't be covered in person before, after work, during or during the hour lunch we got? Finally, I answered the telephone one night and got snippy with her. My g/f gave me some guff but I had to shout her down for how disrespectful and inconsiderate to me this had become day in and day out. So, I've always expected a double standard where girls may yack a lot more than I con understand, but there comes a point when ya gotta wonder WTF? This is the OP's moment and it sounds like there's more to the "relationship" than there was to whatever the hell going on between my g/f and her friend from work. To the first bolded point: "shout her down?" What does that mean? You had to scream at her rather than addressing her calmly with genuine concerns about the fact that you felt like she was making you feel marginalized and unimportant to her? If so, you need lessons on how to talk to women and people in general. Imagine if you were spending a lot of time focusing on a guy friend or brother, and she "shouted you down." Wouldn't it be more productive if she said to you, "I miss you, and I feel like you sometimes ignore me more than you realize when he's around"??? Unless she's the type of woman who actually responds to being screamed at rather than spoken to like an adult, she's probably wondering WTF your problem is, rather than understanding your behavior hurts her. To the second bolded point: well, LOL. Women generally do talk more to close friends than you can understand. But I'd actually take it as a sign that something may be wrong if she needs her friend around more than normal. If this is new behavior, she is probably upset about something. Maybe it's your relationship, or maybe it's a problem she's having that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about with you...or maybe you've been unintentionally dismissive and she needs a close friend who is there to listen. Think about this before making it all about you. You're not wrong to be upset, but there is probably an explanation for why she is behaving differently.
Author callsign Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) I think it doesn't matter all that much whether her "other" relationship is sexual or not. The bottom line is she act as if she's "in love" with this other woman and even said as much. Any man who isn't shaken up over this needs to check his pulse to see if he's till alive. It's hard for me to fathom how anyone can be so non-chalant about this in their posts here. The OPer made it very clear that he understands women need their own friends and I'm sure he's happy for his SO if this were just a new friend. But clearly this is way more than that. I can totally identify with it. When I had a girl living with me another woman we worked with started calling my g/f every night. After I while I started getting annoyed. And after that I got downright pissed at both of them. I now they were not bi or gay or anything--they were just into some kind of relationship that made me feel like a nothing--an absolute nothing. The other girl was always the one who called our apartment so I can't say that my g/f initiated this but she just stayed on the phone for hours AND THEY WORKED IN THE SAME AREA IN THE SAME ROOM. What they hell could they be saying that couldn't be covered in person before, after work, during or during the hour lunch we got? Finally, I answered the telephone one night and got snippy with her. My g/f gave me some guff but I had to shout her down for how disrespectful and inconsiderate to me this had become day in and day out. So, I've always expected a double standard where girls may yack a lot more than I con understand, but there comes a point when ya gotta wonder WTF? This is the OP's moment and it sounds like there's more to the "relationship" than there was to whatever the hell going on between my g/f and her friend from work. So shaken I made an issue of this whole stupid thing. Whether or not she is going through an emotional time is no reason to treat badly the person who stood by you and she who begged me not to leave her because she loved me so much. I came to the conclusion this evening that I have had enough of the stupidity. So whatever happen happens, I don't care. I'm better than worrying anymore about s++t like this. Edited March 30, 2011 by callsign
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