droddy Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) Hello, I dated this girl for about a year. Emotionally stable, very smart, and very down to earth. I found out in the middle of our relationship that she had been raped in college. Life went on, but when she would get drunk she would talk about how much it ****ed her up; it was heartbreaking. We mutually broke up four months ago, mainly because I had become so focused on my work and was not giving her enough time. I became self-obsessed and I really became apathetic towards the relationship. A month later out of nowhere I miss her like hell. I find out she is hooking up with her ex-boyfriend who lives down the street from me. Of course this is frustrating, but she is not doing anything wrong since we're not together. *Okay so this is where things get really ****ed up* She calls me out of the blue one day and asks if she can come over after work. I figured she was going to tell me that we had to go NC and that we couldn't hang out/sleep together anymore. Instead she tells me that she just found out that her younger sister had ALSO been raped in college. She cried in my arms for a good two hours and told me that she I was "her best friend" and that she "still loved me." This blew my mind since she is VERY calculated. It took me like 5 months to get a reciprocal "I love you" from her. *Keep in mind that Ex #1 lives down the street. We spend the next three days together adventuring and acting normal. The fourth day tells me to come over and tells me that she doesn't love me as much as she loves Ex #1 and that she was "using me" when she found out the horrific news about her sister. I told her what she did was ****ed up and left without saying goodbye. Been NC for a month. I'm still healing from the whole event, but wanted to know if anyone had ever been through something similar? There is no way on planet earth I'm breaking NC, but I still love her and would eventually like to be with her again. Ex #1 doesn't love her, but she is infatuated with him. Edited March 2, 2011 by droddy spelling
depplover_1980 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 May I enquire as to her age? Also to your knowledge has she recieved any counselling/support for her trauma? I don't think this story immediately requires the usual no contact advice without consideration of the bigger picture.
Author droddy Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Thanks for commenting Depplover, I'm 25 and she is 22. Despite me suggesting otherwise she has NOT undergone counseling/therapy. I have even offered to set appointments up for her. Her younger sister, who her parents know about, is going to counseling. Her parents baby her younger sister and treat her very sternly.
Chi townD Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 sure, I have some insight, she is COMPLETELY EVIL!! Wow, I've heard of some lows in my time, but this one is up there! Do yourself a favor, cut this girl loose, I mean ALL ties. Don't take any phone calls, no texts nothing. This girl is toxic and needs professional help.
Author droddy Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Thanks for commenting Chi townD, Hah! I've received that same reaction from a few people. I can't remove myself from the situation, but It does feel incredibly ****ed up to "use someone" for that purpose.
depplover_1980 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Chi Town, how dare you suggest this girl is evil. Misguided, tormented - yes - but she was the victim of real 'evil'. Now I am not saying that trauma should ever be used as an excuse for bad behaviour, however it is often an explanation. Droddy, in light of this information I believe you will have to move on. You cannot force someone to confront their own abuse, as much as you feel for them and wish to save them. I speak from experience as a survivor and can say it takes years to overcome the violation, guilt and confusion to be truly overcome - by revisiting it, you experience severe shock again. She will be unable to have a successful relationship for some time and I suspect she'll go on damaging things, as she'll feel so guilty that she doesn't deserve happiness. You will be ok.
Author droddy Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 I really appreciate your response Depplover, It's horrific, and I'm sorry you went through the same thing. It's so hard to reconcile what she did to me and what I know she is going through. Although she is hanging out with her ex-boyfriend nonchalantly with my friends so it's REALLY hard to feel for her. I know in my heart that she's a good person and there is no way on earth that I could do that to someone and not feel guilty as hell. I guess I just feel like "it's not over."
Movingthrough Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Thanks for commenting Depplover, I'm 25 and she is 22. Despite me suggesting otherwise she has NOT undergone counseling/therapy. I have even offered to set appointments up for her. Her younger sister, who her parents know about, is going to counseling. Her parents baby her younger sister and treat her very sternly. My ex was not raped but she had a few things happen to her that were very close. I can tell you that when those things arent dealt with you will see actions like your ex has done. The waves of emotions that come out are only looking for a band aid to cover them up, or you face them, which most do not do. At one point after the break up my ex said to me almost begging to not kick her out of my life. BUT the minute she found a new guy she was good. To me this is kind of like human nature, we go for what makes us happy and find new "focues's" we can concentrate on, but when you ex can jump back and forth like that...its not normal.
hopeful4someday Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 One thing about rape/sexual assault is that it makes the victims afraid of a lot of things, insecure about themselves and insecure about their relationships. Without knowing the specifics, it's hard to really understand where she's coming from, but I do know (including from personal experiences) that a lot of times, people who've gone through this tend to seek out relationships in which they care more and the other person cares less (like Ex #1). Why? Because they care more, they actually have more control over the *negative* aspects of the relationship. Guys who don't care aren't harmful in the ways that guys who "care too much" (that is, who won't let go or whose desire is so strong that they won't take no for an answer) are. I know it sounds weird, but to someone in that state of mind who hasn't really dealt with the trauma, your caring could potentially make you an unsafe partner. Unfortunately, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it except encourage them to get help. It sounds like NC might be a good place for you right now -- she needs some time and space to get herself sorted out. Using you as a coping mechanism isn't going to help either of you move forward.
Author droddy Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) One thing about rape/sexual assault is that it makes the victims afraid of a lot of things, insecure about themselves and insecure about their relationships. Without knowing the specifics, it's hard to really understand where she's coming from, but I do know (including from personal experiences) that a lot of times, people who've gone through this tend to seek out relationships in which they care more and the other person cares less (like Ex #1). Why? Because they care more, they actually have more control over the *negative* aspects of the relationship. Guys who don't care aren't harmful in the ways that guys who "care too much" (that is, who won't let go or whose desire is so strong that they won't take no for an answer) are. I know it sounds weird, but to someone in that state of mind who hasn't really dealt with the trauma, your caring could potentially make you an unsafe partner. Unfortunately, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it except encourage them to get help. It sounds like NC might be a good place for you right now -- she needs some time and space to get herself sorted out. Using you as a coping mechanism isn't going to help either of you move forward. This makes a lot of sense. Ex #1 apparently didn't treat her very well and is a womanizer. She was a mess over him until we started dating. She referred to me as "the perfect boyfriend" before I became consumed with the success of my life's work. I did exactly what you are not supposed to do after the breakup. We stayed friends, still had sex, and I had developed even stronger feelings for her after we had broken up. It was a lot easier for her in the end game, since she got over the emotional aspect of the relationship when I was working and oblivious. Edited March 2, 2011 by droddy spelling
Chi townD Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Depplover, in no way did I suggest that what happened to her is something she deserved. Yes, it is horrible what happened to her in the past. However, to use someone for nothing more that solace and to disguard them as nothing more than a used tissue. " You've served your purpose, now leave." That's is about as low as you can go.
Love lorn 1976 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Well this is just my opinion bro! but i have always been a romantic! I mean if you feel you really love her then you need to let her know she has got to get help if she wants to be with you man, because just from what i have read you are a great man and need to be treated like one! Trust me dude i am sick and tired of being trampled and i totally feel ya the crappy thing is we tend to think with the heart! we must learn to follow both the heart and the mind for when the heart tells us its possible the mind must tells us to stop and when the mind tells us to give up easily the heart reminds us it can still happen so it has got to be a balance man! Only you know how you feel and wether its worth the work my friend!
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