Found out my bf was swinger in past relationship

[Emily_1234]

Something is eating at me and I just am looking for some outsiders' perspectives. I recently found out that my bf was involved in the swinger community with his ex (he and I have been dating a little over six months). I don't know all the details - just that he had sex with a lot of women (don't know the number, don't want to know). My understanding from him is that is his past - he doesn't want that anymore. He said it was fun at first but ultimately left him feeling empty. Our sexual relationship isn't the best though we've been working at it. He seems detached to me when we're together yet he's loving outside of the bedroom. One thing he likes me to do is tell him "stories/fantasies" while I'm performing certain sexual acts. He likes to hear stories about my friends - such as him having sex with them, etc. At first this made me extremely uncomfortable but as he said it - it's just fantasy. (It's still weird to me and now knowing his past - I don't know that I can do it again.)

 

In my head, I just see him with multiple women, watching his ex who he supposedly love screw around with another man. I just can't wrap my head around it. He said sex is sex ... and that it was just "fun" ... he said I'm making it a bigger deal than it is.

 

I just honestly don't know if I can get past it. Am I a prude? Am I wrong for not letting the past be the past? I know it was before me - but I can't help how I'm feeling.

 

Any thoughts, advice, personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[heartshaped]

I don't think you are a prude at all. I don't think the issue is really his past. It sounds more like the two of you just aren't sexually compatible. Some of the things he has asked you to do sexually, I get the feeling you aren't comfortable with.

[Eeyore79]

I personally couldn't handle it. A person who was into swinging (even if it was in the past) wouldn't have morals and ideals that are compatible with mine. Also the stories he wants you to tell him are basically about swinging, so I don't think it's really in his past. I recommend that you cut and run as soon as possible.

[xpaperxcutx]

Sorry no, talking about having sex with your friends isn't fantasy. He's walking a fine line here and you know it.

 

Personally he sounds like an ass.

[Nexus One]

If it's not such a big deal to him, then why do you have to do it anyway when you have told him it makes you uncomfortable? If it would really be not such a big deal he could have said something similar to: "No problem, let's not do this again, I respect your feelings."

 

In my opinion though, he should understand that things like that would make most women feel uncomfortable, but for some reasons he doesn't seem to understand that or maybe he does understand, but doesn't care nonetheless. You're his girlfriend, not anyone else.

Edited March 2, 2011 by Nexus One

[fishtaco]

My first reaction is he's not over his swinging past; he hasn't gotten it out of his system. And he wants to have the cake and eat it too.

 

But, if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt (you know better than any of us, if he's worth the benefit of the doubt), is that he IS trying to convert to a monogamous relationship. So part of the transition is instead of actually having sex with a bunch of people, he fantasizes about it.

 

Maybe the key is progress? If he is progressively working toward a point where he won't even need the orgy fantasy anymore, then perhaps you could help him through it? If he's worth that much effort. I don't know.

 

I'm just guessing at this point. This is a strange issue I have never encountered in my life. Maybe professional counseling?

[Emily_1234]

Obviously there's so much more to a story than a couple of paragraphs shared here. My relationship with my bf has been built on communication and understanding. He was physically abused as a child for about 6-7 years. He has had a lot of issues he's struggled with and worked through. His last relationship was toxic and fed his demons. Swinging was part of it - the negative attention he craved. He wants to and is trying to grow past that with me. I truly believe him. Trust me - I don't blindly follow. I've thought about a lot of these things a lot. He's acknowledged that he's more sexually liberal than I am but that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. That our relationship is so much more of what he always wanted - companionship, trust, understanding, intelligent conversation, etc. He told me he hesitated telling me the truth when I asked if he was a swinger but he wanted to be honest. I just don't know if mentally I can get past the visual ...

[xpaperxcutx]

Swingers are perfectly capable of having monogamous relationships the problem this guy has is the lack of tact when bragging about his past. Really?

 

The only people who speaks before they think are the ones who doesn't consider the feelings of others. He's either blind or completely oblivious to the OP's feelings.

[xpaperxcutx]

Obviously there's so much more to a story than a couple of paragraphs shared here. My relationship with my bf has been built on communication and understanding. He was physically abused as a child for about 6-7 years. He has had a lot of issues he's struggled with and worked through. His last relationship was toxic and fed his demons. Swinging was part of it - the negative attention he craved. He wants to and is trying to grow past that with me. I truly believe him. Trust me - I don't blindly follow. I've thought about a lot of these things a lot. He's acknowledged that he's more sexually liberal than I am but that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. That our relationship is so much more of what he always wanted - companionship, trust, understanding, intelligent conversation, etc. He told me he hesitated telling me the truth when I asked if he was a swinger but he wanted to be honest. I just don't know if mentally I can get past the visual ...

 

Is he actively seeking help for his traumas? I am aware that people who have been sexually abuses as children are more prone to anger/ violent outbursts and sexual promiscuity.

[Emily_1234]

He had many years of professional therapy and tries to grow and learn every day. I truly believe him - and give him the benefit of the doubt - with what he says. I asked him if he would ever want to swing again - and he said no. That I'm enough.

 

The thing is - I obviously loved him before knowing this fact. Does this bit of knowledge erase that?

 

Maybe time will erase the images in my head.

 

An interesting side note: I thought there would be more support for him. I'm feeling less alone in my somewhat conservative sexuality.

[xpaperxcutx]

He had many years of professional therapy and tries to grow and learn every day. I truly believe him - and give him the benefit of the doubt - with what he says. I asked him if he would ever want to swing again - and he said no. That I'm enough.

 

The thing is - I obviously loved him before knowing this fact. Does this bit of knowledge erase that?

 

Maybe time will erase the images in my head.

 

An interesting side note: I thought there would be more support for him. I'm feeling less alone in my somewhat conservative sexuality.

 

Okay my honest opinion here-

 

If he's trying to grow and move on from his past, he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Like telling you he wants to sleep with your friends. One, that's inconsiderate towards you and two, it's disrespectful to your relationship. You're not a prude if you call him out on this because it's really inappropriate of him to state he's sexually attracted to your friends ( people he has contact with). It's one thing to fantasize about having sex with porn stars ( the reality of that happening slim to none) and then to fantasize about people the both of you know ( the possibility of it happening depends on whether he acts on impulses or not). Do you see the difference?

 

My girlfriend used to swing but she has tact not to brag about her past to my face. She was however, extremely forthcoming and honest when I asked her what it was like.

 

Granted your bf has issues but he can't always use his issues to justify the way he acts. It's fine that he's more sexually open but it's another thing entirely if he disregards your feelings for the sake of gratification.

 

Now, onto you. As you've stated, you're more conservative when it comes to sex. You may need to work on yourself a little more if you want to have a healthier sex life. If you feel like you're not on par with your bf, tell him and find things the both of you can enjoy. There are couples who watch porn together, or play with toys to liven their sex life. You need to stop being so passive and speak up about your feelings.

[Emily_1234]

First of all, thank you for your time and feedback.

 

Let me clarify a couple of things - he does NOT want to sleep with my friends ... just hear fantasies. And honestly he's not particularly attracted to them - I realize this sounds stupid but I believe it to be true.

 

He is honest and forthcoming - he said he'll tell me as much as I want to hear or as little. He doesn't use his past to justify his actions - just explain them.

 

As for being understanding of where I am sexually, he is. There are things we've talked about doing and he said that if I honestly never wanted to do them - that's cool with him. I truly believe he's enjoying where our relationship is ... and growing into a more fulfilling sexual relationship where I do become less inhibited. I am working on myself - which is why I'm trying to be open and understanding about his past.

 

I am not being passive ... but I am a slower learner.

[heartshaped]

OP, this new information is more worrying than the original post. The fact that he isn't attracted to your friends, IMO, makes it even more worrying because it isn't about some attraction he has to them, but something else that he enjoys about those fantasies. You obviously know your partner a lot better than I do, is any of this worrying to you? It doesn't sound like he's fully gotten over the abuse he suffered as a child.

[AverageJoe]

Interesting to me that some of the replies to your post are in regards to him and his past escapades. As I read it, it was more of a question as to what you are experiencing. Instead they pounced on him. That really doesn't help you does it?

 

My opinion. If this is something that is unacceptable to you, then you should leave. What you need to ask yourself (not us) is it acceptable to you? Answer that question truthfully and then make a decision. Life is too short to be pondering "what if".

[Intricategirl]

First of all, thank you for your time and feedback.

 

Let me clarify a couple of things - he does NOT want to sleep with my friends ... just hear fantasies. And honestly he's not particularly attracted to them - I realize this sounds stupid but I believe it to be true.

 

He is honest and forthcoming - he said he'll tell me as much as I want to hear or as little. He doesn't use his past to justify his actions - just explain them.

 

As for being understanding of where I am sexually, he is. There are things we've talked about doing and he said that if I honestly never wanted to do them - that's cool with him. I truly believe he's enjoying where our relationship is ... and growing into a more fulfilling sexual relationship where I do become less inhibited. I am working on myself - which is why I'm trying to be open and understanding about his past.

 

I am not being passive ... but I am a slower learner.

 

I'm not disturbed that he used to be a swinger. I am telling you from personal experience that some of what YOU have said disturbs me. 'Cause it sounds a lot like me a few years ago.

 

My ex-husband was pulling sexual mind games from hell. And because he was the first guy I ever even dated (and other reasons best saved for my therapist), I just didn't have that background to understand what a sleazeball he was. After I divorced, I dated this guy who knew about my sexual history. He knew there were some things I wasn't comfortable with. And I distinctly remember him looking at me one time in the bedroom and saying, "Is this another boundary we're going to have to work on???" At the time, I was all kinds of turned around, and what he said sounded reasonable. I mean, why should I be hung up on that when I'd done so much weirder crap with my ex-husband? It wasn't until after we split up that I figured out, he wanted to take down my boundaries because he didn't have ANY of his own.

 

Look, so he used to be a swinger. As long as he's disease free, that's got little to do with you. But if he wants you to be more "open", or worse, makes you believe that somehow you're to blame if you aren't... that's kind of a problem. You don't need any excuse or justification for not liking something. Ever. You tell him that you don't like it and that's the end of it. And if that's not the end of it, ask yourself why. But "boundaries" is not a dirty word. It means you understand yourself and you're okay with standing up for yourself. Which is a really good and healthy thing.

[AverageJoe]

 

My ex-husband was pulling sexual mind games from hell. And because he was the first guy I ever even dated (and other reasons best saved for my therapist), I just didn't have that background to understand what a sleazeball he was. After I divorced, I dated this guy who knew about my sexual history. He knew there were some things I wasn't comfortable with. And I distinctly remember him looking at me one time in the bedroom and saying, "Is this another boundary we're going to have to work on???" At the time, I was all kinds of turned around, and what he said sounded reasonable. I mean, why should I be hung up on that when I'd done so much weirder crap with my ex-husband? It wasn't until after we split up that I figured out, he wanted to take down my boundaries because he didn't have ANY of his own.

 

 

Right, so women now know not to date your ex-husband.

 

Carry on.

[Intricategirl]

Right, so women now know not to date your ex-husband.

 

Carry on.

 

*snort* I wish. Sadly, all I think that post will accomplish is to let people know not to date me.

[daphne]

Ouch. I don't think you're being a prude at all. Everyone has their fantasies, but that doesn't mean we all live them. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your bf for deciding to have those experiences, but it sounds like it's not compatible with who you are. And the fact that he's trying to get you to lighten up about it shows his lack of respect for who you are. You are trying to see his point of view, he's intolerant of yours.

 

Personally, I couldn't deal with that kind of past. I would like to think I'm more open minded than that, but I'm just not. There was a guy that contacted me online that looked perfect for me on paper, but I found out he had a couple of sex profiles online. I pondered for a minute if it was something I could accept, because he looked PERFECT. Then I woke the hell up and realized I can't compromise who I am. To me, if the dude's slept with a lot of other people (and at the same time!) he can't be perfect for me.