xyz789 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Well, I met him about 4 years ago....started the emotional relationship about 2.5 yrs ago. And the physical relationship about 2 yrs ago. he has 2 girls, theyve been married 17 yrs. She confronted him, he didnt deny it. He didnt drop me. We still talk and text daily. He's my best friend, love him so much. Never meant to get myself in this darn situation....but here I am. His wife isnt really talking to him at all. When she confronted him she was just like we will talk about this later. She's been really quiet. That was a little over a week ago. She's set up a meeting with a Mediator for next week. I'm trying not to get my hopes up....but could she be thinking divorce??!
fooled once Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Well, I met him about 4 years ago....started the emotional relationship about 2.5 yrs ago. And the physical relationship about 2 yrs ago. he has 2 girls, theyve been married 17 yrs. She confronted him, he didnt deny it. He didnt drop me. We still talk and text daily. He's my best friend, love him so much. Never meant to get myself in this darn situation....but here I am. His wife isnt really talking to him at all. When she confronted him she was just like we will talk about this later. She's been really quiet. That was a little over a week ago. She's set up a meeting with a Mediator for next week. I'm trying not to get my hopes up....but could she be thinking divorce??! Why is it her responsibility to divorce? Why hasn't he? Doesn't that speak volumes to you - that you are 2nd choice? He only wants you if his wife kicks him out? You honestly don't know what happened IF she found out. You only know what HE wants to tell you.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Time will tell as to what happens next. Also, don't put all your eggs into one basket, you really don't know if he's telling you the truth or not. In the meantime, it might be best for you to distance yourself from him.
Author xyz789 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 When she confronted him she asked what was up with me. he told her that he cared a lot about me. i had tried numerous times to stop the affair before. it's hard dating MM, like I said, never thought i'd be here....but here i am. i felt like buffer girl. hell i was buffer girl. i dont defend him, b/c he had his cake and ate it too, now his wife holds all the cards. when we broke up last year i asked him to go to counseling with her. i wanted him to leave b/c he was done with the marriage, not just for me. they went for a bit, but she didnt want to keep going. Yes, we decided just two days ago to take it easy for awhile, until the meeting next week. i'm just wondering what other reason she'd want to see a Mediator....if there's something other than divorce. ** thanks whichwayisup, appreciate ur advice.
fooled once Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 When she confronted him she asked what was up with me. he told her that he cared a lot about me. i had tried numerous times to stop the affair before. it's hard dating MM, like I said, never thought i'd be here....but here i am. i felt like buffer girl. hell i was buffer girl. i dont defend him, b/c he had his cake and ate it too, now his wife holds all the cards. when we broke up last year i asked him to go to counseling with her. i wanted him to leave b/c he was done with the marriage, not just for me. they went for a bit, but she didnt want to keep going. Yes, we decided just two days ago to take it easy for awhile, until the meeting next week. i'm just wondering what other reason she'd want to see a Mediator....if there's something other than divorce. ** thanks whichwayisup, appreciate ur advice. I don't understand how you can't stop an affair. You just DO it. You CAN do it, you just don't want to. Two very different things! How did you "break up" last year? HE IS MARRIED, he can't have a girlfriend! the only reason he would be leaving is because of YOU - not because the marriage isn't working. He is choosing to stay married and not leave...at least not until she throws him out. If he wanted out, he would have gotten out already. I highly doubt he didn't throw you under the bus to his wife. I would bet he told her you keep stalking him, you keep texting him, you keep throwing yourself at him. I highly bet he didn't tell her that he likes you and is going to continue to see you/sleep with you. Mediation is not just used for divorce; it is used for many things, including discussing the future (counseling, etc).
Jessica232 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Why is it her responsibility to divorce? Why hasn't he? Doesn't that speak volumes to you - that you are 2nd choice? He only wants you if his wife kicks him out? You honestly don't know what happened IF she found out. You only know what HE wants to tell you. If he divorces, that does not make her his second choice. Not every situation is black and white. People stay in crap marriages for a variety of reasons. Not everyone's priority in life is their own personal happiness, sometimes people sacrifice their happiness for other's.
bentnotbroken Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 If he divorces, that does not make her his second choice. Not every situation is black and white. People stay in crap marriages for a variety of reasons. Not everyone's priority in life is their own personal happiness, sometimes people sacrifice their happiness for other's. :lmao:I need my dime.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 You know what....you're damned! are you happy to see a home being wrecked because of you? This man has a family and how could you just take away the head of the family just to quench your lust. Do you know how could this affect his daughters? You are a selfish person and hope this will come to you when you have a family of your own so you'll know exactly how it feels. How is this helping? "This man" did this to his own family unit. Sure, she was a willing partner, but he is the one who chose to cheat and betray his wife. HE is the one who is hurting his wife and daughters, his own flesh and blood. I think he owns this a hell of alot more and is accountable to his own family than the OW. She isn' innocent in all this, she knew going in that he was married with kids. He could have say NO too, so don't put this all on her shoulders.
fooled once Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 If he divorces, that does not make her his second choice. Not every situation is black and white. People stay in crap marriages for a variety of reasons. Not everyone's priority in life is their own personal happiness, sometimes people sacrifice their happiness for other's. In my view, it does. It shows he didn't care about her enough to divorce to be with her - he didn't move mountains to be with the one he loved. Your last line is what I would expect many people in an affair to say - they are conditioned many times by the lines they hear from the cheater. So it is better for a person to be a cheater and hurt 2 people (the spouse and the affair partner) than to be an honorable person and divorce? And please re-read what I wrote - I said if the WIFE chooses to divorce, that means the mistress/OW is not that important. If the mistress/OW meant as much to the cheater as he says, HE would choose to divorce, not sit and wait and see how much he can push his wife to file for divorce. Some of us who have divorced know about divorce Some of us with small kids HAVE divorced and there was no infidelity. There was just unhappiness and for the sake of MY CHILD and HIS happiness, I chose to divorce. I didn't chose to cheat on his father (my now ex husband). I think the way I handled it is not the cowardly way, like cheating is. Just my opinion though on something I have personally gone through.
Jessica232 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 In my view, it does. It shows he didn't care about her enough to divorce to be with her - he didn't move mountains to be with the one he loved. Your last line is what I would expect many people in an affair to say - they are conditioned many times by the lines they hear from the cheater. So it is better for a person to be a cheater and hurt 2 people (the spouse and the affair partner) than to be an honorable person and divorce? And please re-read what I wrote - I said if the WIFE chooses to divorce, that means the mistress/OW is not that important. If the mistress/OW meant as much to the cheater as he says, HE would choose to divorce, not sit and wait and see how much he can push his wife to file for divorce. Some of us who have divorced know about divorce Some of us with small kids HAVE divorced and there was no infidelity. There was just unhappiness and for the sake of MY CHILD and HIS happiness, I chose to divorce. I didn't chose to cheat on his father (my now ex husband). I think the way I handled it is not the cowardly way, like cheating is. Just my opinion though on something I have personally gone through. Actually, I speak from personal experience as the child of a father who did not divorce his cheating wife because she would have taken his kids across the country to live (we lived in the Midwest, mom was from CA). The exact words from my father's mouth. He was told by an attorney that my mom could take us, and there was nothing he could do. And I know my father wanted to divorce my mother. I saw his pain every single day for years.
bentnotbroken Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Actually, I speak from personal experience as the child of a father who did not divorce his cheating wife because she would have taken his kids across the country to live (we lived in the Midwest, mom was from CA). The exact words from my father's mouth. He was told by an attorney that my mom could take us, and there was nothing he could do. And I know my father wanted to divorce my mother. I saw his pain every single day for years. Now things are clearing up a bit.
Star_Bright Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Actually, I speak from personal experience as the child of a father who did not divorce his cheating wife because she would have taken his kids across the country to live (we lived in the Midwest, mom was from CA). The exact words from my father's mouth. He was told by an attorney that my mom could take us, and there was nothing he could do. And I know my father wanted to divorce my mother. I saw his pain every single day for years. Your father was misinformed. If he had fought for his rights to you she could not have taken you far away without ensuring he had his fair share of time with you. The courts are in favor of children seeing both parents and do not allow one parent to take the children far away if the other parent steps up and wants to see the children too, unless adequate protections (sharing of time and custody) are in place. Your father might have just been looking for a reason to continue to cake-eat. Just saying. Now you are letting another man cake-eat. There has to be a better way! Don't you agree??
fooled once Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Actually, I speak from personal experience as the child of a father who did not divorce his cheating wife because she would have taken his kids across the country to live (we lived in the Midwest, mom was from CA). The exact words from my father's mouth. He was told by an attorney that my mom could take us, and there was nothing he could do. And I know my father wanted to divorce my mother. I saw his pain every single day for years. Your father was misinformed. If he had fought for his rights to you she could not have taken you far away without ensuring he had his fair share of time with you. The courts are in favor of children seeing both parents and do not allow one parent to take the children far away if the other parent steps up and wants to see the children too, unless adequate protections (sharing of time and custody) are in place. Your father might have just been looking for a reason to continue to cake-eat. Just saying. Now you are letting another man cake-eat. There has to be a better way! Don't you agree?? Yep. Today's courts are very different than before. Today many child custody agreements have a "no move" clause and for a parent to take the kids away from the other parent (geographically), it requires a court OK and many courts will not even allow a hearing to take place. NO is the answer that is given. My H had a "no move" clause in his child custody agreement when he divorced his ex wife (I know this to be true because we have a copy of the papers). Today, most judges go for 50/50 or at the very, very least joint custody with one parent being the residential parent. I was awarded sole custody; but from what I hear, it is hard to get sole custody.
Silly_Girl Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Your father was misinformed. If he had fought for his rights to you she could not have taken you far away without ensuring he had his fair share of time with you. The courts are in favor of children seeing both parents and do not allow one parent to take the children far away if the other parent steps up and wants to see the children too, unless adequate protections (sharing of time and custody) are in place. What is legal and illegal does not dictate what might actually HAPPEN in real life. Here in the UK there is much talk about how a mum cannot legally stop a dad from being a father. I know a mum who lost her kids and is building up access now, and a dad who did everything perfectly and could still only get supervised contact.... Things have moved on lots (thank goodness) but it doesn't end all the issues. We still lose lots of kids to other countries because a parent takes them and they can't be found. It's not legal, but it happens.
Emme Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Actually, I speak from personal experience as the child of a father who did not divorce his cheating wife because she would have taken his kids across the country to live (we lived in the Midwest, mom was from CA). The exact words from my father's mouth. He was told by an attorney that my mom could take us, and there was nothing he could do. And I know my father wanted to divorce my mother. I saw his pain every single day for years. I believe you Jessica my cousin is going through a bad seperation/divorce his wife. She cheated left and moved in with her lover and took the child. The thing is the lawyer informed him that's it's best he does nothing. Women can flip and start stating untrue facts to harm the other parent such as abuse. That would make it harder for a smooth process. So yes sometimes to see your child you do have to bend even if you might not want to.
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