Jennie1 Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I have been in a long distance relationship for 9 months. We see eachother every 6 weeks. Taking turns who comes to who. My last visit there I found out his ex girlfriend has been hganging around HIS HOUSE. And I had no clue, I found out by accident. He fessed that she had been there and they are just friends. Didn't matter he never told me. So after that I looked at his phone (which I would have never done before) 1st her name is initials, she had stayed the night there and done other things for him. He finally fessed up to her staying there twice and only cuz she passed out. She knows he loves me and wants to be with me. One I do not believe her intentions are to be a friend, she is trying to get him back and he says no. I know he loves me and wants to be with me. As I do him. I believe he didn't cheat on me, but I still feel very betrayed and lied to, by keeping this from me. He has told me he has already told her to not come around anymore. I do believe him. but, if she shows up again, I have a hard time believing he will tell her to leave. If I bring it up, he gets very defensive and I know it's because he knows he's wrong. Biggest problem is, I am having a hard time getting past it. If I don't hear from him for awhile, I go right to, is she over there and he doesn't want me to hear. Then runs thru my head all the times she was around, where was I in his mind. If he loves me so much why would he let that happen. If I had an ex here I know it wouldn't fly and especially if it was hidden. Just wanted to vent. But, any tips pointers to help me get past this. I absolutely still wanna be with him. We do plan on being together in the future. What we have had up til this occurance, has been absolutely wonderful. But, with the distance it makes it sooooooooooo hard not to keep wondering.
Omei Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I think how he's acting and letting the ex girlfriend come over is very disrespectful to your new relationship, I firmly believe "fresh" ex's cannot be friends without causing problem's to the new relationship. He's so defensive because you're are right, he knows what he's doing is wrong, So why is he doing it? He can't have both and there's no reason why she should be staying over she has her own household to sleep in does she not? If I were you I would not be around till he's got his crap straight. You have every reason to question your trust for him.
HeavenOrHell Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 You might some of these replies helpful in my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t267154/
Author Jennie1 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Everything you have said I pretty much have told him. About disrespect, and sleeping over. He was outside and she just passed out, doesn't matter she should have been told not to come back then. His roommate has verified everything, he thought I knew she had been there. He absolutely admits, that he gets defensive because he screwed up and he has no defense. He told me since the disaster weekend, that he told her to not come over anymore. I do believe him, but having hard time getting past, what was he thinking. I did even see a txt from her, telling him hope you have a beautiful weekend with Jennie. Again, her motives are to get him back. But, he is not so stupid to go, she knows I love you we are just friends. I know he loves me, he is the one taking the huge risk and moving where I am. But, again why would he do it and how do I trust I don't know what the hell is going on, 15 hrs away! Thanks for thread, I will look at.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 if he has told you he took care of it (told the girl not to come back), then all you have to do is trust him. whatever the girl does is out of his and your control. now, if the girl comes back and he won't do anything about it, that's the time you should figure out if this is a deal breaker for you or not. for now, probably just talk about the issue in a light manner. tell him how you felt (or feeling so you can avoid resenting him about it later) and then lay down your boundaries. it's better for him to know what works for you or not. laying down boundaries protects you from other people hurting you. if they step on your boundaries, that's the time to execute the exit plan. people will know how to treat you with respect and shows that you respect yourself as well if you are firm with enforcing your boundaries. it's different from manipulation because manipulation is concerned with the end-result.
folieadeux Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 You have every right to question this whole situation. I know people do it all the time, but I personally am a firm believer that you can't go from being romatically involved with someone to friends just like that. It's all or nothing for me. If he's allowing this girl to pass out drunk in his house and stay over, he is blantantly disrespecting you and your relationship. There really is no excuse for this. It's one thing to be civil with her, but surely she has somewhere else to go. This kind of deal would never fly for me and it's a huge red flag that he kept all of this hidden and you had to find out by yourself.
Author Jennie1 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 I am torn with everything. I have the I have a choice to try and trust him again. His roommate who thought I knew was like. That man is in love with you he thinks nothing of her. Goes to tell me how she has been humbled and knows she treated him like crap and blah blah blah.... They haven't spoken for quite some time and it ended badly. All sudden she wants to give him some stuff back and now friend. I'm a girl I'm not stupid she is trying to get him back. He is being stupid. Just cuz she knows he loves me doesn't mean ****. I agree this is a red flag. Which is why I am so torn. Do I run or try and get past it. The hiding makes me wanna run. What we have had up to this has been great and he is always there for me. I have lots of anxiety issues. And still with the red flag. I still believe his love for me. But, maybe he can't do the long distance thing or handle the pressure of he is the one moving to me. Right now, I am going with trying to get past. but we still need to discuss further. But, I go nuts thinking about what if I didn't find out. What the hell? If my ex was at my house and passed out here, he go nuts. difference is I have 2 children that I have 98% of the time and I do not work, so I don't do a whole lot outside the home. More time for me to stir and think and think and think............ thanks for all replies
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