ShatteredReality Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Ok so there was this other thread about the frequency of sex in normal marriage right? And I am posting on there saying that I prefer 8 times a week but settle for 3 times a week(it's true)....so last week my husband didn't really feel like it, wasn't in the mood, stomache hurt, had a headache...four day stretch of no sex right? Oh, but let's not forget that he did a blowjob during that time which was supposed to be foreplay but turned out that what I was doing just "felt too good to let me stop" and I was so ticked that I just went to sleep after. He did not offer anything up anyway, had he I might have let him return the favor, but I certainly wasn't going to beg for it. I am a very sexual person - and maybe that's a bad thing, because he told me last night that "it feels better if we wait three or four days in between". That's for sex. BJs are different...he would happily alternate the two...every other day, with every fourth being sex. I feel like such the guy right now saying this - but the thing is, when he's really into it and wants me, it's great. When he's just trying to get off or doing it cause he knows I want some, it's not so great. It becomes more selfish - with me wanting him to be into it and to enjoy it and him just wanting to get off and be done. That leads to me falling out of the mood and half the time I don't even finish. We go through spurts like this. For awhile we were doing it every day...then he blamed his medications for not wanting it that frequently anymore. We were still averaging 3 times a week with me not having to initiate it too much, but these last few weeks he just doesn't seem interested. I had lost about 60lbs a couple years ago, but then I had minor surgery and we had a few deaths in the family - we each lost our fathers - slowly half of it's come back on. He claims I am still beautiful and sexy - but now he's just not interested in sex as much? Am I some kind of freak or something? I talk with my female friends and they only give it up like...once a week....or sometimes they will be able to count how many times in a month quickly....I just don't get that. I almost feel like sexually he's the woman in the relationship and I am the man...does that mean I am a selfish lover? I really want it to be something we both enjoy...I also crave it frequently. So day before yesterday we had an afternoon romp after that four day starvation period and then last night I told him I wanted to go again since he was too tired to do it twice on Sunday. He was like, "I'm not in the mood." so I was going to let it drop, but then he followed me to bed and got into bed and said he'd make a "deal" with me - if I were to go down on him for a minute and get him ready and in the mood he'd have sex with me. I told him no deal - the last time we tried that (last week) I got shafted and I went to bed with bad breath. He was all hurt and told me I was being ridiculous. He compared it to going out to a nice dinner, that if he wanted to take me out to a nice dinner but told me in order to go I'd have to take out the trash first and set it on the curb, wasn't it a fair enough trade. Obviously we need to sit down and have a heart to heart about this - and over texts today we've agreed we're going to - but still...What is wrong with ME???
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 puts you in the 99% percentile..... Hey I claim I want it everyday, but after the honeymoon phase, heck that is a lot..... 3X's a week to many of us would be perfect, but who knows because anyone getting it 1X/wk in an LTR is probably doing pretty well, expecially if there are kids...... Not a freak, but certainly approaching it, and regardless of what men say, not many can keep up that level for years and years..... Or maybe I'm completely out of it.
Woman In Blue Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 You do sound like a man, and it sounds like you're killing the poor guy. You consider 4 days a "starvation" period, and he considers it a nice rest from your constant need for sex. Sounds as though he's just plain tired of performing like a trained seal for you all the time and that's why he wants oral sex sometimes. And then you're asking him to go AGAIN after he DOES have sex. Most guys dream about a woman who constantly wants to have sex but the truth is, after a while it just loses it's appeal. I know a few men who were married to insatiable women and at first they thought they'd hit the jackpot, but after a few years, they were avoiding her like the plague.
giotto Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 a couple of times a week would be enough for me... and it's true that men tend to suffer from "fatigue" if they have to perform every day. I had a girlfriend like you once and she wanted it twice a day and, even at the tender age of 22, I just couldn't keep up after a while! She was insatiable! BTW, how old are you two? Also, he is on anti-depressants, isn't he? If he still is, he is doing very well, because they do tend to kill the libido. Give him some slack!
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 the words 'kill the libido' and 'slack' should never appear in the same sentence.....
xxoo Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I don't think there is anything wrong with desiring a lot of sex, and I don't think you are a freak. The only problem I see is how you seem to NEED sex 8x a week, and are not in a relationship where that is not the reality, and thus seem unsatisfied and unhappy. The great majority are satisfied with sex 3x a week (maybe with self-release a few more times a week), even if they would happily have sex every day. You seem genuinely unsatisfied. That does seem a bit extreme to me. Also, why is a BJ not sex? To me, in a marriage, any sexual play is sex. Count it. Sometimes we happily just give, that's ok (still sex, imo). But if he leaves you unsatisfied after getting a BJ, that's just being a bad lover, imo! But it is your responsibility to let him know that you are turned on and also wanting some attention. Don't wait for him to turn his attention to you--put your hands on yourself and tell him how hot that was, how turned on you are, how much you want his ________. Communicate.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 For my husband and I it seems like when we have sex LESS often (like 3-4 times per week) it's better because we miss each other! If we just do it based on the fact that we SHOULD be having sex, it's not quite as passionate. Maybe that's how your husband feels? Like he doesn't want to do it just for the sake of having sex, but because he's in the mood and really wants to. I think you guys need to talk about what your sexual preferences are and work something out. Get on the same page about it!
magic8ball Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Not a thang wrong with wantin lots of lovin, but it's sometime give, sometimes take. Magic8ball say you need balance!
Author ShatteredReality Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) Thanks guys. I don't NEED it 8x a week...I just WANT it that frequently. I once told him I thought it would be a great exercise routine since we can't afford the gym....he vetoed that straight away. I don't complain or get too antsy unless he makes me wait more than three days. I also don't pressure him into it or expect it from him - I will suggest it or I will try to initiate with kisses and caresses, but if he turns me down I don't get upset. I do, however, get somewhat miffed when he leads me on or acts like we are going to and then doesn't. (I know I do sound like such a guy) We didn't get to talk yesterday, but we hopefully will today...I like to resolve issues straight away. The blowjob thing - Ok a little background on that. When we got married I loved doing that for him...he got three of those a week for that first year...however for the first four years he rarely if ever returned the favor. He would tell me I could use my hand after or just tell me we could have sex the following day and he'd take care of me. I also had some bad experiences before him in that area and enough of that behaviors triggered all those bad experiences to flood back and interfere with my enjoyment of it. I began to have flashbacks of things that had happened when I was younger...I would have them while I was going down on him. Now, I am not one to try to make him pay for someone elses mistakes, but sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. We have talked about this and he knows...sometimes, even when he says he WANTS to do that for me and have me return the favor I have to really work at wanting it too. However, if he's going to give back I encourage that behavior, so I do my best at not ruining the mood with my past issues. If he begs me to do it, though, or tries to talk me into it...well we've been together awhile now, I can tell when he wants it and is not going to want to do anything in return (too tired, the orgasm gives him a headache, etc), it's offputting on my mood, so when I am done I am not turned on and unless he is going to basically go down there and turn me on I will just go to bed after - like last week. Yeah the antidepressants have been a real kick in the teeth when it comes to the sex life. We used to be clockwork every other day, never more than two days in between. I have tried to be understanding about that. One more thing...the sex thing...it's not all about the physical for me. There is no having sex cause we "should" or cause we "can". We've been married nearly 11 yrs...we're past that phase. If I have a lot of stress or anxiety it can be difficult for me to orgasm - but when we are having sex (making love however you want to say it) it's an extreme bonding thing for me. It feels good emotionally - so THAT is where I need it. It's difficult to explain - but I've talked to him about it before. It's a connection we have that I don't feel during oral - oral is all about the end result. He says he understands what I am talking about with the connection...but he doesn't need it the way I apparently do. We are both 30 and neither of our kids are teens yet - still have a few years before that happens thankfully. Edited March 2, 2011 by ShatteredReality sp
Author ShatteredReality Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 the words 'kill the libido' and 'slack' should never appear in the same sentence..... LOL TARA!! Another side note...I really DO NOT pressure him. And on Sunday, I did not ask for seconds until it was bedtime...that's several hours between, not like I expect him to hop right back up or anything. I asked him last night briefly if I am too demanding and he says it's not that I am too demanding, but that maybe we're on different wave lengths right now...I'm sure it'll settle out...we will talk about it more...but I wonder sometimes if I am some kind of freak...hence the thread!
mitchell Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 One more thing...the sex thing...it's not all about the physical for me. There is no having sex cause we "should" or cause we "can". We've been married nearly 11 yrs...we're past that phase. If I have a lot of stress or anxiety it can be difficult for me to orgasm - but when we are having sex (making love however you want to say it) it's an extreme bonding thing for me. It feels good emotionally - so THAT is where I need it. It's difficult to explain - but I've talked to him about it before. It's a connection we have that I don't feel during oral - oral is all about the end result. He says he understands what I am talking about with the connection...but he doesn't need it the way I apparently do. You're not a freak, but you are definitely a man in a woman's body! That last paragraph describes myself and most me perfectly. Sex is a bonding experience. That emotional connection during sex is what most men crave. Many women just don't understand that.
Lecturer Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I take issue with this man/woman thing. There is a lot of evidence that show women's sex drive to be comparable to mens, the difference is generally involving psychology and turn-on factors. I think the idea of you being abnormal or a freak is also inaccurate. The average frequency for an LTR might be 3-4x per week, but that also means some people get it once a month or less, while others get it daily or twice daily. Don't even think for a moment whether you're "normal" because in the long run that means nothing. What matters are your needs, and how well they are being met. Couples rarely have perfectly matching sex drives, so compromise must be made. I can say with certainty that having my partner say "I've love to have sex with you, but I'm just too tired" is a lot better than some other rejections, such as "get off me"... "you're a pig"... "wasn't last month enough?". The point is that sex is often a physical demonstration of affection and desire... the absence of it leaves one feeling rejected and unattractive. Turning down sex happen, obviously, but one must put in effort to make sure their partner still feels valued. Couples have to work at making sure both partners are satisfied with everything in life... that includes sex as well as family, career, etc. If there is just too much a difference for compromise to satisfy both, then the relationship is doomed. Not that yours is - just that it sometimes is the case. You do need a talk, figure out his ideal, your ideal, and what the limiting factors are. I imagine his might be fatigue or stress.. so then you have to figure out how to reduce that. Sometimes it IS desire, and we have to face facts and try to address it. Sometimes a person does put on weight, or could use to put in a bit more effort on their looks (men and women alike). The other person loves them, of course, but improving their desirability certainly wouldn't hurt. When going this route, though, remember that desire is both physical and psychological... doing things to appeal to your partner's psyche can help too. Little things that get his mind racing so he doesn't want to wait 4 days.. he wants it right then and there. I'll leave it to you to think of examples.
michelangelo Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 And more like the man i the marriage, you'll have to pick up the slack by masturbating, doing without, or cheating.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 The difference is generally involving psychology and turn-on factors. I think the idea of you being abnormal or a freak is also inaccurate. The average frequency for an LTR might be 3-4x per week, Always the psychological crap.... Oh how I hate that.... How about loving the person and wanting to make each other happy.... Please I've heard it over and over and enough already..... 3-4/wk avg in an LTR????? Really that's the average???? Maybe the average people hope for...... I expect it is less then 1X/wk......
xxoo Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 If I have a lot of stress or anxiety it can be difficult for me to orgasm - but when we are having sex (making love however you want to say it) it's an extreme bonding thing for me. It feels good emotionally - so THAT is where I need it. It's difficult to explain - but I've talked to him about it before. It's a connection we have that I don't feel during oral - oral is all about the end result. He says he understands what I am talking about with the connection...but he doesn't need it the way I apparently do. I get this, and I don't think it is all that unusual for a woman to seek connection this way. I certainly do! But it becomes a problem if you feel disconnected--or denied bonding--if you don't have sex for a few days. There have to be other routes to bonding, so you don't feel deprived on the days you go without this one kind of bonding. Some of that might involve you actively recognizing and appreciating HIS methods of communicating love and attachment--which might be something different from sex.
giotto Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 You do need a talk, figure out his ideal, your ideal, and what the limiting factors are. I imagine his might be fatigue or stress.. It's the anti-depressants... as I said before, they kill the desire for sex. I've been on them and I can tell you that your penis goes to sleep... I'm off them and my wife is on them... right, where's my sex life gone? OP: you need to be patient and accept that your sex life will never be the same with your husband on ADs... although they help for other things (and it's a pig to get off them) they are the worst thing they can happen for a couple in a LTR... if the sex you are getting is not enough, then you can masturbate, or leave if it's unbearable for you. You say you are not pressuring him, but you are, maybe unconsciously... but rest assured that he is feeling the pressure and with the ADs you are putting him in a very difficult situation... you are not a freak, but I had to smile at the quote below... And on Sunday, I did not ask for seconds until it was bedtime...
Author ShatteredReality Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Well I am definitely going to look into some Maca root for him. I found out about it while researching ways to improve thyroid function (I am hypothyroid - makes it super easy to gain wait and quite difficult to take it back off - among other things). One of the most common uses, though, turns out to be increased libido. I am not so sure I should take it anymore...however, giving it to him may help!! LOL...well it can't hurt to try it...he he's always had certain symptoms of thyroid dysfunction, but no test came out far enough out of the "normal" range for medication. Lecturer - a lot of what you say makes sense. Fatigue isn't really his problem...stress maybe - but we both have that. I'm leaning toward thinking Giotto has it right with it being his meds. He's skipped them before because he says if he doesn't take them for two days he gets a much better erection. I think he feels inadequate sometimes there - I constantly try to reassure him, but I can understand if he's not able to perform the way that he wants because of things his body just will or won't do it must be frustrating. He still gets hard, though, and it's still enjoyable...so it truly is in his head...but telling him that is another thing. Like I said...I can relate, so I just do my best to make sure he knows I am happy with what he does for me. Lots of people have suggested masturbation...one guy said cheating? NO. And since when does having an overactive sex drive give one cause to cheat? No. We have an agreement...if I am ever (or him) to the point where we're ready to cheat, we'll just leave. There's way too much pain involved and neither of us could stomache that. I love him, he's good at what he does when he does it. No worries there. As for masturbation...well it's a different type of stimulation, and unfortunately if I do that then it makes achieving orgasm during sex next to impossible...it's weird and I don't know how to explain it...it takes like 3 days to be 'normal' again. Maybe it's over stimulation? I don't know...all I know is I have had a detachable shower head in every shower since I was 17 just in case. If we go more than 4/5 days I start to get to where I think maybe I should just take care of it that way and then I will be ok for a couple more days....problem is masturbation also just makes me want sex MORE...so yeah...not so much a great option... XXOO - one thing - we bond quite a bit. We really enjoy watching movies together after the kids go to bed, making snacks for eachother and cuddling up...it's just a different level of bonding with sex. Either way...we just need to find a middle ground...I suppose I need to be more patient...but I can't say I'll stop asking for it...though I am going to try to pay better attention to myself to see if I am putting any pressure on him. I definitely want him to do it because he wants to - but half the time what may start as him not being in the mood ends with me having him so aroused that I tease him by saying "Oh but you're not in the mood, good night" and trying to turn over and him laughing and telling me no dice...lol....like I'd be able to stop then anyways! Point being - never hurts to try with a 50% or better success rate I am going to do something I haven't done in like - 6 mo. I like to write him dirty letters outlining all of the things I want to do to him and have him do to me and I mail them to him. I usually get lucky the days he gets those because he spends like 4 hours thinking about what I said. I write them at work and mail them from work (my own supplies of course)...maybe I'll do that...
Author ShatteredReality Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 I think the world has made sex such a complicated thing. All this porn, all these "toys, all this junk. It's stupid. People have complicated a very very good and simple thing. There should be no expectations, no "I do this you do that" stuff. Just grab each other and go for it. Very simple. I don't watch porn - though I kind of enjoy making it with him...I have ONE toy and it's small and just for enhancement - he bought it for me and he's the one to always initiate using it (though I like it so I never argue), so it's only an occasional addition....I don't like complicated - but one question - and sort of the kicker for me here, why I asked if I am outside the normal box of things. What if you want to grab each other and go for it more than your SO wants to grab each other and go for it?? What do you do then Yesh?? (There has been some good feeback on here though, but then, that's why I posted, I knew there would be)
kis Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Always the psychological crap.... Oh how I hate that.... How about loving the person and wanting to make each other happy.... Please I've heard it over and over and enough already..... 3-4/wk avg in an LTR????? Really that's the average???? Maybe the average people hope for...... I expect it is less then 1X/wk...... Once a week for us. Been married nearly 30 years.
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