Questionable1 Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Yeah yeah, I know the question in the title sounds stupid and I'm not talking about the logistics of getting married. Instead I'm referring to the obstacles: The current guy I'm with and I were discussing recently some of our past relationships and people we dated. He was talking about how he's had many female friends that he would have liked to date or even marry but there were a lot factors that prevented that from happening: distance, timing, being too busy, one of them was single while the other person was in a relationship, etc. Basically he loved the personality of the girl but outside factors got in the way. My experience has been the opposite. Most of the people that I want to be in relationships with, I've actually been in relationships with them. However, personality flaws such as extreme insecurity, substance abuse, etc. destroyed the relationship. I'm baffled that people manage to get married and avoid all of these obstacles. How do people do this?? Is it luck? Because it always seems like if it's not one obstacle that ruins things, it's another one. It's really depressing when I think about it.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 The reason people who get married....and stay married is simple. They realize that relationships are work. Like anything else in life they require work. Many people don't realize that. Or they buy into some romantic ideas about how a relationship should feel. It should be all joy, all happiness, all honeymoon. When reality sets in they break up. Look up the five stages of a relationship. Many people never get past that honeymoon phase. The way people get married...they face the realities of their partner...and choose to work through them.
kalikula Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I don't really see what you're getting at.... Personally to BE in a relationship I must not have any factors like that that would get in the way. IE I wouldn't date someone that is extremely insecure or has a substance abuse problem, and I also wouldn't date someone who lived far away. I guess timing is hit or miss but I mean you have to deal with all of these things to even be in a healthy relationship, so they shouldn't be a factor that prevents one from marriage.
fishtaco Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Oh, I was going to say... Las Vegas, Elvis. But then I realized your question isn't about the logistics of how to get married. Finding the right person is tough. You go through a bunch of unsuitable ones just to get a date. Date a bunch of unsuitable ones just to get a relationship. Go through a bunch of unsuitable relationships to finally find someone you can marry. If you're lucky. By "unsuitable" I mean crappy people not worth your time, and awesome people that are unfortunately not compatible. The ones that rush into marriage a lot of times ignore these "unsuitable" clues, because they are so focused on marriage or want that wedding so badly. Usually that ends in divorce.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Take what fishtaco said and I said and you get close to the answer. People on one end of the spectrum see one little problem and bail. People on the other end of the spectrum see all kinds of BIG problems but rush in. IMHO in either case the basic problem is not wanting to do the real work. Rushing to the altar with a great person and ignoring problems (like substance abuse for example) leads to divorce. Seeing a person who is otherwise wonderful (but has or had a substance abuse problem) and bailing on them without trying to work through it.... leads to lifelong singlehood. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. Too many people either look for perfect and blow any little flaw up to the size of a mountain. Too many people ignore mountain sized flaws, don't actually work on them just ignore them...then their marriage blows up in their face.
Eeyore79 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 He was talking about how he's had many female friends that he would have liked to date or even marry but there were a lot factors that prevented that from happening: distance, timing, being too busy, one of them was single while the other person was in a relationship, etc. Basically he loved the personality of the girl but outside factors got in the way. My experience has been the opposite. Most of the people that I want to be in relationships with, I've actually been in relationships with them. However, personality flaws such as extreme insecurity, substance abuse, etc. destroyed the relationship. If I was him, I wouldn't have let stuff like distance, timing, or being busy prevent me from having a relationship with a wonderful person. It's so rare to find someone great that you can't let the opportunity pass you by just because you're busy! It seems to me that he's too picky, and he wants everything to just fall into his lap without having to make any compromises or effort. You, on the other hand, aren't picky enough, and have dated losers who have serious flaws such as substance abuse. People get married because they take the middle road - they choose a decent partner who doesn't have any serious personal flaws, and then they put in the effort required to make the relationship work, and they work around issues such as distance or being busy.
carhill Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Most of the people that I want to be in relationships with, I've actually been in relationships with them. However, personality flaws such as extreme insecurity, substance abuse, etc. destroyed the relationship.This dynamic is worthy of reflection. If, in the classic sense, you signaled availability, these men approached and you had a 'relationship' with them. Apparently, uniformly, clear deal-breakers doomed the relationships. What's the common denominator? Some people here on LS, including myself, call these 'people-picker' issues. For a man, it's who he chooses to approach and pursue for a relationship. For a woman, generally, it's who she allows to 'catch' her. Each picks. If either person's people-picker is off (inaccurate/unhealthy), it's possible to get married and not even realize, cognitively, what one is getting themselves into. That's one path to marriage. You caught the big deal-breakers before getting there. What would have happened if they were masked and you hadn't caught them? One potential. Another potential is two healthy people-pickers picking each other and building upon that connection. Presuming marriage is a potential goal for both parties, it can/will be the natural progression of that connection. The wedding ceremony itself is merely a brief and joyous stop along that path. Practically, we just went down to the courthouse, got a marriage license, had a nice simple ceremony and we and the official signed the document. Done. Had the people-pickers been healthy, this post and the 21,000+ others posted here by myself wouldn't exist
fishtaco Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Had the people-pickers been healthy, this post and the 21,000+ others posted here by myself wouldn't exist Holy crap... you weren't kidding about the 21,000+ posts.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 The reason people who get married....and stay married is simple. They realize that relationships are work. Like anything else in life they require work. Many people don't realize that. Or they buy into some romantic ideas about how a relationship should feel. It should be all joy, all happiness, all honeymoon. When reality sets in they break up. Look up the five stages of a relationship. Many people never get past that honeymoon phase. The way people get married...they face the realities of their partner...and choose to work through them. This is spot on. You might find a person who is compatible with you, who has traits you can deal with, but when they hit a bump in the road they might decide the grass is greener. Some people don't have what it takes to be married and stay married. They might get what it takes later on, with many failed relationships under their belt, or they might not.
yah Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 The obstacles you mention (i.e. substance abuse) should be avoided before the relationship begins. The excuses your friend has (i.e. too busy to get married) are no excuses at all. I agree with the above that a relationship takes a lot of work. There is no perfect partner, you have to decide what flaws you can live with and which you can't.
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