Darklady Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I've been with my current boyfriend for about six months, and things are great ... except ... when I saw him last week, we were chatting about mutual acquaintances, and he was talking about how much he liked a particular lady. Then he said 'She's my type ... but you're not'. When I said that I really didn't know how to respond to that, he backpedalled really quickly and said that he didn't mean it the way I took it, and that he didn't want to have to censor everything he said and that actually he's never been happier in a relationship. I'm creative, artistic, professionally funny and slightly off-the-wall - while I'm very happy being the person I am, it isn't always to other people's tastes. Then, when I was on the phone to him earlier this evening, he was talking about a female friend of his who he hasn't seen for a while, saying how attractive she is, and 'If the opportunity arose - he would!' I said that I felt shocked by that. He then got angry and said that he was referring to the past, and angrily said that he 'was getting used to that sort of response from me' and that he wanted to be honest about his feelings. I responded that I want to be honest about mine, too. Jealousy is something I've struggled with all my life; it's something where I have problems sorting out what is and isn't appropriate. I've done a lot of work in therapy around this issue. I'm pretty sure that, in reality, he wouldn't have sex with someone else. I don't have a problem at all with partners having photos of exes, talking about past relationships, having opposite sex friends, flirting when it's all in fun... but I feel that these two incidents are just plain disrespectful. I feel like telling him that he needs a partner who won't mind that sort of thing; it apparently hadn't occurred to him that the way he put it across sounded like he was talking about 'here and now' stuff, and it felt like a kick in the gut. We left it that if he felt angry, it was his problem, and if I felt insecure, it was my problem. But right now, I still feel like telling him to get lost. Any thoughts?
hoping2heal Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I've been with my current boyfriend for about six months, and things are great ... except ... when I saw him last week, we were chatting about mutual acquaintances, and he was talking about how much he liked a particular lady. Then he said 'She's my type ... but you're not'. When I said that I really didn't know how to respond to that, he backpedalled really quickly and said that he didn't mean it the way I took it, and that he didn't want to have to censor everything he said and that actually he's never been happier in a relationship. I'm creative, artistic, professionally funny and slightly off-the-wall - while I'm very happy being the person I am, it isn't always to other people's tastes. Then, when I was on the phone to him earlier this evening, he was talking about a female friend of his who he hasn't seen for a while, saying how attractive she is, and 'If the opportunity arose - he would!' I said that I felt shocked by that. He then got angry and said that he was referring to the past, and angrily said that he 'was getting used to that sort of response from me' and that he wanted to be honest about his feelings. I responded that I want to be honest about mine, too. Jealousy is something I've struggled with all my life; it's something where I have problems sorting out what is and isn't appropriate. I've done a lot of work in therapy around this issue. I'm pretty sure that, in reality, he wouldn't have sex with someone else. I don't have a problem at all with partners having photos of exes, talking about past relationships, having opposite sex friends, flirting when it's all in fun... but I feel that these two incidents are just plain disrespectful. I feel like telling him that he needs a partner who won't mind that sort of thing; it apparently hadn't occurred to him that the way he put it across sounded like he was talking about 'here and now' stuff, and it felt like a kick in the gut. We left it that if he felt angry, it was his problem, and if I felt insecure, it was my problem. But right now, I still feel like telling him to get lost. Any thoughts? 1. What an awful thing to say 2. What an awful way to manipulate you
Lishy Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 1. What an awful thing to say 2. What an awful way to manipulate you He is acting like a typical narcissistic! How much do you like this guy? If you dont want to walk away then the next time he says something like this just bite your lip and laugh when he says it and then when you get your opportunity tell him about this 'guy' who you saw who really floats your boat and ticks all of your boxes and see how he reacts I hate men like this
D-Lish Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 His comments are specifically designed to evoke a reaction in you- he's toying with your emotions. The things he is saying are pretty mean, and then he takes it a step further and tells you that you are the crazy one when you have a reaction! Run, don't walk... I suspect you're only seeing the tip of the iceberg when it comes to his behaviour. I dated a guy like your bf, he'd make negative, provocative comments- then tell me I was "crazy" when I got upset. By the end of that relationship, I had gotten to the point where I actually believed I was the one with the problem. Your man is passive-aggressive. Comments like these are designed to eat away at your self confidence in an effort to have more control over you. Don't let him manipulate the situation to the point where he has you believing you are the crazy one. Big red flag...
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