Anger and hate -- how do I overcome these feelings?

[tatteredwings]

Hello everyone,

 

It's been 2.5 months since my girlfriend of 4 and a half years broke up with me.

 

The breakup was quite shocking for me and, in my opinion, it was handled quite cruelly by my ex. You can read about my story here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258513/

 

Where I'm at now is that I have no desire for reconciliation with her. I've accepted the break-up, and I'm not looking for (or expecting) any second-chances or anything.

 

What I'm having trouble with though is that I have such overwhelming, intense feelings of anger, and worse, hate. I've never felt this way towards someone. I don't like having such negative feelings -- especially considering that i think about her all throughout the day, and I don't like being bogged down with this negativity.

 

Does anyone have any recommendations for how I can overcome these feelings? I really really want to put this relationship behind me and move on.

 

Thanks in advance for your advice and support.

[AbeFroman]

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

 

It's perfectly normal to be angry, given the situation.

Anger is a completely normal, healthy, integral part of the grieving process.

Being in a very similar situation, I can tell you that I'm probably going through a lot of the same stuff you are.

 

If you're anything like me, you're probably wavering between ALL KINDS of emotions: pain, loss, nostalgia, love, confusion...

 

In ANY grieving process, anger is an absolutely VITAL component of healing.

Something lousy happened to you. You're *supposed* to pissed about it.

On some level or another, every break-up is accompanied by a feeling of unfairness, or betrayal, or injustice-- and the mind is hard-wired to react negatively to that.

 

Every person has an inherent desire and expectation to be treated with a fair amount of respect, dignity, and acceptance. When someone breaks your heart, they violate ALL of that. And it's more than okay to feel resentment about that, especially when it's this recent.

 

 

 

Even if your ex was an utterly amazing person, SHE HURT YOU. And at some point, either your pride, or your internal need for justice is going to take over, and you're going to lash out at that sense of unfairness. You've been wronged. And that SHOULD make you mad. The anger is an indication that you're sane, and healthy, and have a totally reasonable, normal expectation to be treated well.

 

Something would be wrong with you if you WEREN'T upset about it.

Like I said -- you just had something awful happen to you. Who wouldn't be fired-up about about that? If your mind just laid down and accepted that kind of crappy treatment, THEN I would worry.

 

My advice would be: embrace the anger.

At least for a few days, or a couple weeks.

Let 'er rip.

 

Go somewhere private, and get it out of your system.

Call her every horrible name in the book. (You don't have to mean it-- it's just a release.)

Work out. Lift weights. Punch a couch cushion, whatever.

Yell, scream, wail-- do something to express your anger physically.

 

Let it completely wash over you... and then be done with it.

 

I honestly think you're only going to prolong the anger phase if you try and suppress, or deny it.

 

You're pissed off.

And you have every right to be.

And as long as you don't act out on it inappropriately, there's not a damn thing wrong with that.

 

I say you just give into it for a little while until it's run it's course.

Take a couple of minutes to yourself every day, find a place where you're alone and allow yourself to have a nice, big fat tantrum. Seriously. FREAK OUT.

And *then* move on.

 

I think if you give yourself a chance to confront and express your negativity fully, you'll give yourself a chance to be rid of it.

Edited March 1, 2011 by AbeFroman

[Anna86]

Hey, I read your full break up story. Wow, it sounds like you had a really hard time. I had a similar break up, my ex broke up with me when we were in different countries, at Christmas time and also by email. Its a hard pill to swallow. Also, like you we had a fantastic few days together before he left. I felt totally in love. Either our exes are good actors or they can change their minds extremely easy...I'm not sure which is worse!!

 

Anyway, like you I am angry and hurt by my exes actions. Although he didn't say nasty things in the break up email and he told me to stay in contact his actions were cruel. He joined a dating site BEFORE we broke up. I would never have know this but I came upon it. I just had a feeling he would be on it. So, this has made me really angry as he told me he broke up to be single again!!

 

I have decided that every time I feel anger towards him, I will instead forgive him for his actions. I think this is the only way to move on. If you feel hatred and anger towards your ex it will bring you down. I will not tell him he is forgiven, it is a private thing of course. I am sure your ex didn't want to hurt you. Her feelings changed and thats just it. I know, it really hurts.

 

When you feel the urge, just be grateful you are not living a lie anymore with your ex. Also, I pity your ex. She sounds like a coward and a really dishonest and selfish person. This is a reflection on her, not you. Remember that. Just try and let the anger dissolve. It really does help. I have tried this approach for the last few days and its working wonders.

[hopeful4someday]

Ok, here's my two cents:

 

Of course you're still angry. The tone of both of your posts has been a bit of a self-absorbed pity party. I'm not saying that to be mean (I've been there too, plenty of times!), I'm saying it because I think it has something to do with why you're still upset.

 

You and your ex both contributed to the failure of the relationship. You both apparently did things that were hurtful towards one another. There's a good chance she was cruel to you during the breakup because she felt hurt and wanted to hurt you back, and deleted friends and family because her hurt was so great that having them in her sphere was more painful than just cutting ties. That's all. It's entirely possible that she just didn't do a good job articulating to you why she was upset in the first place, which is probably why you still don't seem to understand it. There's nothing you can do about that now. Maybe someday it will click and you'll look back and realize what it was, but it's probably nothing life-changing regardless.

 

Here's the thing, though. You loved each other once before things got in the way. I suspect that you both are in reality perfectly good, reasonable people. I also think that, regardless of what words were exchanged, you probably still care for each other in some way. There's a good chance that once time passes she will remember the best in you and you will remember the best in her. I doubt that deep down inside she really wants to hurt you. What she did was an emotional reaction, possibly an overreaction, but you're just hurting yourself thinking that something basic about who she was changed. She was hurt too.

 

It also sounds like some of your anger may stem from a sort of sense of "relationship entitlement". You say in your other post: "The level of our love wasn’t just in my eyes – all our friends thought that we were one of those super-couples, the kind that have an amazing relationship that others envy, that never hurt each other, that are mature and will spend their lives together." You're indignant, not just because she hurt you, but that your "perfect" relationship failed. I'm sorry, but unlike the GM and Fannie Mae, no relationship is too big to fail. You guys may have LOOKED like you had it put together on the surface, but there were some unresolved issues that festered. It's OK -- it happens to the best of us. I'm speculating, but I think that may have wounded your ego a little bit too, and isn't doing you any favors in your quest to move on.

 

You have a right to be angry, but I would suggest trying to temper it with understanding. Try and understand what you brought to the table, what she brought to the table, and what kind of expectations on both sides and from outside may have factored in to things. Assume no one is being malicious out of evil or some profound character change (psychologically speaking, people change VERY little personality-wise as they age), but that any bad behavior is related to feelings of hurt and try to look at it with a sense of compassion for all involved. Cut her a break and cut yourself a break. Holding on to anger actually makes it take longer to get over loss than managing it (I know, counterintuitive, but the science nerds have studied it).

 

Sorry for being blunt, I really just mean it as some objective outside perspective.

[makelemonade1974]

Anger is an important stage of grief and probably THE most difficult in my opinion. But for me it came before the turning point - after the anger I found acceptance slowly seeping in. If you are a nice person (and I'm sure you are), anger is an incredibly uncomfortable emotion. Anger makes us want to rage and hurt people - on purpose - and in our heart we know that and don't want to hurt others. Let yourself be angry and know that you have EVERY RIGHT to be angry after someone treated you like that. Being angry does not make you a bad person. You can sit down and have fantasies about what you would like to do the person in revenge without actually doing it. The fantasies can make you feel better I think. Vent to your friends. If you work out, go running and think about your anger the whole time (you will get an amazing workout and exhilaration - it's fabulous). I'm a writer, and I sat down and wrote a poem about my ex chained to a tree for the rest of his life suffering incredible pain and torture. It sounds sick, but it really helped me.

 

I also think anger comes from feeling helpless. Think about what you DO have control over in your life and consistently remind yourself of those things. I went through the stages of grief in a pretty circular fashion, but for me the most intense anger came right before I got "closure." I hope it's that way for you as well.

 

Hang in there.

[huskers11]

Try expressing your anger in a healthy manner. I found that journaling about what I was feeling seemed to help me figure out what and why I was feeling the way I was! Also, exercise really helped! Whenever I got made about the situation or the ex I had a great workout session followed by a hot shower and it always seemed to calm me down!

[z00m25]

wow dude i feel your pain, sorry you had to go through that, and i read your original thread. im 2 months out of a break up and i recently feel the same way with my anger and hate. i seriously think if i ever see my ex that i would throw my shoe at her or something. 2 weeks before she left she told me how i ment the world to her and how i never had anything to worry about. obviously i did haha but yeah keep strong!

[Chi townD]

okay, well lets look at it this way. She broke up with you in one of the most cruelest fashions anyone could possibly do. Do you think she's walking around miserable and pissed off? Probably not. So, don't give her that satisfaction of know she got your goat. Find and outlet for your anger and pain. Go to the gym and work out your aggressions. Then, lead a happy and normal life. Easy to write about it, right? I know. Still doesn't help the pain you feel. But, give it time.

[tatteredwings]

Thank you everyone for reading my story, and giving me your advice and support. I greatly appreciate it, and after this last week I've been feeling a bit better.

 

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

 

It's perfectly normal to be angry, given the situation.

Anger is a completely normal, healthy, integral part of the grieving process.

Being in a very similar situation, I can tell you that I'm probably going through a lot of the same stuff you are.

 

If you're anything like me, you're probably wavering between ALL KINDS of emotions: pain, loss, nostalgia, love, confusion...

 

...

 

My advice would be: embrace the anger.

At least for a few days, or a couple weeks.

Let 'er rip.[/Quote]Thanks. Yes, I definitely agree with you -- I've been on a crazy roller coaster of emotions too, experiencing all sorts of things. Thanks for your advice, I think it is good to embrace the anger for some time (I feel like Darth Vader saying this! ). Just so long as it doesn't consume you all day. In the beginning, the anger was welcome relief from my other feelings of loss, guilt, helplessness. I've been trying to focus my negative energy on positive outlets, like working out.

 

I have decided that every time I feel anger towards him, I will instead forgive him for his actions. I think this is the only way to move on. If you feel hatred and anger towards your ex it will bring you down. I will not tell him he is forgiven, it is a private thing of course. I am sure your ex didn't want to hurt you. Her feelings changed and thats just it. I know, it really hurts.

 

When you feel the urge, just be grateful you are not living a lie anymore with your ex. Also, I pity your ex. She sounds like a coward and a really dishonest and selfish person. This is a reflection on her, not you. Remember that. Just try and let the anger dissolve. It really does help. I have tried this approach for the last few days and its working wonders.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. Thank you for your advice, and I'm glad that finding forgiveness is helping you cope. I think that's a good philosophy to live by.

 

You have a right to be angry, but I would suggest trying to temper it with understanding. Try and understand what you brought to the table, what she brought to the table, and what kind of expectations on both sides and from outside may have factored in to things. Assume no one is being malicious out of evil or some profound character change (psychologically speaking, people change VERY little personality-wise as they age), but that any bad behavior is related to feelings of hurt and try to look at it with a sense of compassion for all involved. Cut her a break and cut yourself a break. Holding on to anger actually makes it take longer to get over loss than managing it (I know, counterintuitive, but the science nerds have studied it).

 

Sorry for being blunt, I really just mean it as some objective outside perspective.

No worries about being blunt, I appreciate your honesty. I think a lot of what you say is true. I understand that she was hurt when she broke up with me, and I've definitely accepted my share of blame for the relationship's failure. Although I still think that what we had was absolutley beautiful, I don't blame her for ending it. Having said that, it's still difficult for me to accept her actions as being reasonable. In the times that I felt like I wanted to end our relationship (there were a few times in the first few years) I thought long and hard about how I would do it with respect to her and minimize her hurt, yet I do feel like she's dumped me without any of these considerations whatsoever. But like you said she was probably really hurt and angry herself, so I will try to be more understanding. That's good advice. Thank you.

 

About my ego being wounded by this breakup, that's definitely true. I was very proud of our relationship and I thought I was a really good boyfriend.

 

Anger is an important stage of grief and probably THE most difficult in my opinion. But for me it came before the turning point - after the anger I found acceptance slowly seeping in. If you are a nice person (and I'm sure you are), anger is an incredibly uncomfortable emotion. Anger makes us want to rage and hurt people - on purpose - and in our heart we know that and don't want to hurt others. Let yourself be angry and know that you have EVERY RIGHT to be angry after someone treated you like that. Being angry does not make you a bad person. You can sit down and have fantasies about what you would like to do the person in revenge without actually doing it. The fantasies can make you feel better I think. Vent to your friends. If you work out, go running and think about your anger the whole time (you will get an amazing workout and exhilaration - it's fabulous). I'm a writer, and I sat down and wrote a poem about my ex chained to a tree for the rest of his life suffering incredible pain and torture. It sounds sick, but it really helped me.

 

I also think anger comes from feeling helpless. Think about what you DO have control over in your life and consistently remind yourself of those things. I went through the stages of grief in a pretty circular fashion, but for me the most intense anger came right before I got "closure." I hope it's that way for you as well.

 

Hang in there.

Thank you. I agree that it does stem from helplessness, which is something I've been dealing with since the break-up as well. Good advice, and thanks for your kind wishes, I hope closure comes soon too!

 

Try expressing your anger in a healthy manner. I found that journaling about what I was feeling seemed to help me figure out what and why I was feeling the way I was! Also, exercise really helped! Whenever I got made about the situation or the ex I had a great workout session followed by a hot shower and it always seemed to calm me down!

Exercise has helped me a lot so far, I'm definitely keeping that up. Thanks for the advice.

 

wow dude i feel your pain, sorry you had to go through that, and i read your original thread. im 2 months out of a break up and i recently feel the same way with my anger and hate. i seriously think if i ever see my ex that i would throw my shoe at her or something. 2 weeks before she left she told me how i ment the world to her and how i never had anything to worry about. obviously i did haha but yeah keep strong!

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. We'll persevere, stay strong too buddy!

 

okay, well lets look at it this way. She broke up with you in one of the most cruelest fashions anyone could possibly do. Do you think she's walking around miserable and pissed off? Probably not. So, don't give her that satisfaction of know she got your goat. Find and outlet for your anger and pain. Go to the gym and work out your aggressions. Then, lead a happy and normal life. Easy to write about it, right? I know. Still doesn't help the pain you feel. But, give it time.

Leading a happy and normal life, that's a fine goal! I'll do my best.

 

Thanks again everyone.

Edited March 6, 2011 by tatteredwings