How to get ex to leave home?

[MCW]

I have recently split up with my partner of 17 years. We have lived in our house for 8 years and have a joint mortgage. We are not married but have 2 children together. We take turns to have the children at home and when we have 2 seperate homes we will have joint custody.

 

My ex partner does not work full time and I have advised her that she needs to find out how much she will get in benefits off the government. We have agreed that I will have the children 3 nights a week and that I will give child maintenance although we have not yet discussed how much I will give.

 

The problem is that we have had this living arrangement for over a month now and we need to start thinking about some permanent arrangements. I can afford to take over the mortgage and give my ex her share of the equity but she is dragging her heels with applying for tax credits etc...

 

Is there anything I can do to make her apply for the necessary benefits? Im not going to kick her out with my children but I just need to sort out a permanent living arrangement.

[carhill]

Just do what I did; with a requisite portion of her settlement, buy/lease her a house and move her into it. In our case, my exW had no interest in remaining so it was an easy process. In your case, you may have to be consistent and firm.

 

'Since we're splitting up, we need to set up separate domiciles as soon as possible. Where would you like to live?'

 

You can't 'make' her apply for benefits and likely can't 'make' her move. You just have to sour the milk enough that doing so becomes the more pleasant option. FWIW, my exW was far angrier with me during our D than at any other time in our M because, essentially, I was being firm with no waffling and little care for how she felt. Job accomplished. Gone.

[willowthewisp]

Just do what I did; with a requisite portion of her settlement, buy/lease her a house and move her into it. In our case, my exW had no interest in remaining so it was an easy process. In your case, you may have to be consistent and firm.

 

'Since we're splitting up, we need to set up separate domiciles as soon as possible. Where would you like to live?'

 

You can't 'make' her apply for benefits and likely can't 'make' her move. You just have to sour the milk enough that doing so becomes the more pleasant option. FWIW, my exW was far angrier with me during our D than at any other time in our M because, essentially, I was being firm with no waffling and little care for how she felt. Job accomplished. Gone.

 

Er no actually! Legally speaking, joint mortgage = joint benefical interest = no right to MAKE her move out and if you do so she will be able to charge YOU rent on her property share. Certainly in the UK anyway and US law is common law so you may find it to be similar.

 

Carhill, I usually have a lot of respect for you but what you wrote above about little care for your ex wife, I'm appalled. I don't know what your ex wife did to you but I do know you shared over 20 years together and loved her once.

 

This man here is lucky enough that he can afford to buy his partner out of her share of the equity, what a shame she can't buy him out, but wait, oh yes that's right she doesn't work because she has been raising HIS children, which he now wants her to move out with. Many men complain about divorce laws and I get that, truely I do, but being a lawyer myself I also the other side and can appreciate that they have to be in place to protect the vulnerable. Just like any law, the way in which it is written cannot encompass all eventualities and therefore sometimes results that are far from just occur, other times it protects those who need it.

 

OP you don't go into much detail, but from what you have written it sound like this is your choice and not an amicable decision to seperate and that you are not married to your partner?

Edited March 1, 2011 by willowthewisp

[carhill]

I owned my house for about a decade and a half before my exW ever came into the picture and she never was on a mortgage and never contributed one penny to the real estate the house resides upon, which is also the location of my long-time business.

 

So, before we go further, is there anything you would like to correct?

 

BTW, all of my moves were planned by my attorney, so I had proper legal advice when making them. I suggest that for the OP.

 

Edited to add that my exW and I were married in 2000 and the divorce was final in 2010. Perhaps you have me confused with someone else.

Edited March 1, 2011 by carhill

[willowthewisp]

I owned my house for about a decade and a half before my exW ever came into the picture and she never was on a mortgage and never contributed one penny to the real estate the house resides upon, which is also the location of my long-time business.

 

So, before we go further, is there anything you would like to correct?

 

BTW, all of my moves were planned by my attorney, so I had proper legal advice when making them. I suggest that for the OP.

 

Edited to add that my exW and I were married in 2000 and the divorce was final in 2010. Perhaps you have me confused with someone else.

 

I was speaking to the OP regarding the joint mortgage situation.

 

I apologise in that I must have you confused with someone else.

 

I am confused though why you would recommend the OP to "sour the milk enough that moving out becomes the more pleasant option" from the limited information the OP has given here, the women is a stay at home unmarried Mom.

[carhill]

That's what my exW did (sour the milk, IOW made living with her difficult) to advance her position in the divorce. It worked pretty well for her and got her more of a settlement than she might otherwise have received by being 'nice'. Unless the OP is willing to go to the mat and pay the big legal bills, he's going to have to try other things. If she doesn't want to go, something will have to give. OP, watch 'War of the Roses' for some humorous insight into this dynamic. My exW hated that movie

 

OP, I'd pay a solicitor to help come up with *legal* scenarios to get her out of the house. It can be friendly, but, if she won't go and doesn't want to work on the relationship, then a solicitor can help. They know the relevant laws in your locale. As an example, if it doesn't negatively impact your rights as a father wrt custody/visitation/support, you can leave and lease a flat or house until things are settled.

 

IIRC there's a long-running thread by a fellow UK citizen who's trying to save his M but his wife has presented obstacles. Try this link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261378/

 

IME, and my exW and I had a largely amicable D, the key is a balance between being nice and being firm. Movement isn't always a pleasant experience. In fact, there's little about a D (or, in your case, a breakup of a long-term R) that's pleasant. Better strap in and get used to that. It was an eye-opener for me.

[MCW]

willowthewisp

 

This man here is lucky enough that he can afford to buy his partner out of her share of the equity, what a shame she can't buy him out, but wait, oh yes that's right she doesn't work because she has been raising HIS children, which he now wants her to move out with. Many men complain about divorce laws and I get that, truely I do, but being a lawyer myself I also the other side and can appreciate that they have to be in place to protect the vulnerable. Just like any law, the way in which it is written cannot encompass all eventualities and therefore sometimes results that are far from just occur, other times it protects those who need it.

 

OP you don't go into much detail, but from what you have written it sound like this is your choice and not an amicable decision to seperate and that you are not married to your partner?

 

willowthewisp - It was my ex-partner who decided to call it a day with our relationship. She no longer wants to be with me. She does work 4 days a week she but is on a low salary so cant afford the mortgage. If i had my way I'd keep the house and the children and she could go. That will never hapen though but at least if I keep the house the children will still have their own rooms when they stay with me.

 

So the point remains, she wanted our relationship over and now it is so I need her out a.s.a.p so I can get on with my life. The problem is, she doesnt want to leave her home and move into rented accommodation. She cant have her cake and eat it though which is why I need to know what I can do about her taking her time sorting out what benefots she's entitled to.

[willowthewisp]

willowthewisp - It was my ex-partner who decided to call it a day with our relationship. She no longer wants to be with me. She does work 4 days a week she but is on a low salary so cant afford the mortgage. If i had my way I'd keep the house and the children and she could go. That will never hapen though but at least if I keep the house the children will still have their own rooms when they stay with me.

 

So the point remains, she wanted our relationship over and now it is so I need her out a.s.a.p so I can get on with my life. The problem is, she doesnt want to leave her home and move into rented accommodation. She cant have her cake and eat it though which is why I need to know what I can do about her taking her time sorting out what benefots she's entitled to.

 

Hi MCW,

 

Thanks for the further detail, I'm sorry I jumped to the conclusion that I did, I'm so used to seeing women who have been left, who have pushed for marriage for years, never getting it and then left in the situation of not being able to support themselves due to raising children and being pushed out of the home. My apologies.

 

Are you in the UK? If so then there are things that can be done, you can get a free half hour appointment with most law firms in the UK, the family lawyer will be able to explain your options to you.

[MCW]

Hi MCW,

 

Thanks for the further detail, I'm sorry I jumped to the conclusion that I did, I'm so used to seeing women who have been left, who have pushed for marriage for years, never getting it and then left in the situation of not being able to support themselves due to raising children and being pushed out of the home. My apologies.

 

Are you in the UK? If so then there are things that can be done, you can get a free half hour appointment with most law firms in the UK, the family lawyer will be able to explain your options to you.

 

 

Its ok no worries. I live in England. I'll see what firms are in the area. I didnt really want to go down that route though in case things got ugly. We're still on speaking terms and i'd like it to remain that way for the sake of the children.

[willowthewisp]

Its ok no worries. I live in England. I'll see what firms are in the area. I didnt really want to go down that route though in case things got ugly. We're still on speaking terms and i'd like it to remain that way for the sake of the children.

 

Hi, I understand why you want to try and keep things as amicable as possible but she is putting you in an impossible situation by ending your relationship and wanting to stay in the house!

 

Personally, I wouldn't tell her you are seeing a solicitor, the time for being open passed when she ended your relationship.

 

I know how you feel, I had a legal seperation after nearly 20 years together, his choice, not mine, like you and it's amazing how quickly they can turn nasty on you, but like my solicitor said at the time "just let him try it, he'll see how far he'll get in court", in other words, the law is there to protect you from the situation of them getting all nasty on you. You have children, that makes it even more difficult, again though, the law is there should it come to that, obviously you don't want to go that route and hopefully your ex will see the sense in that.

[MCW]

I think I may be able to avoid seeing a solicitor. Ive been in touch with her today and she said she has rang about Tax Credits but she was on her lunch and has to call them back. So thats a start. Well it is if she's telling the truth.

 

Ive also spoken to my morgage lenders today and can borrow the full amount required to pay her the equity she's entitled to. I'll need a solicitor for that but that cant be avoided unfortunately.

[carhill]

Full payment of equity turns upon her signing a lease/closing on a house purchase. Essentially, you're trading her liability on the mortgage (which you'll assume solo) which supplies her with the equity for her prompt and permanent departure. That's a really good deal for her since she'll start over liability-free and will be the hero keeping the kids in the home they've been growing up in. Sell it. Good luck

[Yasuandio]

I have a great idea! You have plenty of dough. Why don't YOU get yourself a nice bachelor pad in a spiffy part of town. Let her pay what she can afford in a fair rental for your portion of mortgage. This way the status quo remains - she continues raising your children as a stay at home mom, and as a added bonus, the kids get to stay in their own rooms!

[carhill]

This is where a solicitor can take the various ideas and flesh out the legalities of them.

 

For example, is there an advantage, custody-wise, for the OP to remain in the children's historical home or not? Unknown.

 

Can the ex-partner afford to and qualify to assume the mortgage solo? Unknown. If the mortgage remains and the OP counts on her to make the payments/pay him equitable rent relief if he moves, how can he legally enforce that agreement and not be stuck with rent and the mortgage as legal liabilities? Unknown.

 

Lots of unknowns. That's why I paid a couple months income to a good lawyer to flesh out all the scenarios and work them through, including possible/probable responses and legal/financial repercussions. Money well spent.

[willowthewisp]

It's so frustrating on these boards sometimes to be a lawyer and be wanting to scream the legal pitfalls and the possible soulutions! But I can't, as a matter of professional regulation my hands are tied.

 

OP, PLEASE go see a solicitor anyway, please just take my word for it, there are so many intricaces and things that go wrong that you probably wouldn't even consider, they wouldn't even occur to you, they wouldn't have occured to me before the law degree either.

[carhill]

Here's a solution:

 

The OP can purchase a month's subscription to LS, enabling his PM box, and then he can PM willowthewisp and get some local referrals and encouragement regarding the particulars in his jurisdiction. Money well spent

 

Also, he can read, for free (no monetary cost) the thread I linked, which has many of the same issues, and can glean perspective and possible solutions from the experience offered by that OP and those UK citizens who have or are going through the same thing currently. Great support, opinion and potential for absolutely no cost.

 

OP, what are you going to do?

[willowthewisp]

Here's a solution:

 

The OP can purchase a month's subscription to LS, enabling his PM box, and then he can PM willowthewisp and get some local referrals and encouragement regarding the particulars in his jurisdiction. Money well spent

 

Also, he can read, for free (no monetary cost) the thread I linked, which has many of the same issues, and can glean perspective and possible solutions from the experience offered by that OP and those UK citizens who have or are going through the same thing currently. Great support, opinion and potential for absolutely no cost.

 

OP, what are you going to do?

 

Ah sadly Carhill I will still not be able to give any legal advice even over PM! Save your money OP! I can't due to professional conduct issues, I'm not qualified fully yet and even when I am, my indeminity insurance will only cover in Practice, so I can't even offer "dinner party" conversation on legal matters. Sorry OP. But there is citizins advice bureau or the free half hour with any good law firm, most offer it.

[carhill]

'carhill, I can't really advise you on this matter, but here's a name and number to call'

 

Heard from my business/estate attorney regarding matters of matrimony/divorce.

 

I know you can't, legally, give the OP legal advice. That's why I said 'referrals and encouragement'. Encouraging someone to 'take a look' at a particular scenario is different from advising them to take certain actions. 'You might take a look at xxx; there are risks but you can deduce them and perhaps find a method which works for you'. Again, heard from my attorney about matters he was not strictly able to give me advice on.

 

OP, have you contacted the Citizens Advice Bureau? That would seem to be a great start, if not already pursued. IMO, being proactive is what will solve this issue. Passivity encourages stagnation. Good luck