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Day 7 of no contact - & it seems to get harder rather than easier


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Posted

Despite having worked up to this break up for several months - now that it's really happened, I am so sad.

 

I’ve been making better, but still dodgy decisions about this man for the past 3 months. I did turn down a job in the place he works – forgoing the opportunity to see him every day, rather than the 3 or 4 days a month we were able to steal for the past 6 months. I talked to him less – still every day, but not the 3 or 4 times a day that it had been. I dated other men.

 

I made a half-hearted attempt to break up a month ago and it lasted 2 days. He called and I fell for it again. He came to visit me in my city while I was home on a 12 day break a fortnight or so ago. It was AMAZING. I fell in love with him all over again. The intimacy on every level, intellectual, sexual and emotional, was incredible.

 

He left my place and went back to the city his wife and kids live in to stay with the family for a few days before he went back to work. He called me when I was at the airport on my way back to my work (we’d been texting all afternoon) and he was ultra depressed and despondent and said his wife had a melt down and he had to stay there for an extra few days and help with family stuff.

 

Something in me clicked. Every cell in my body reacted against him. I'm not sure if I was upset about his attitude to helping with the children or that he was staying at the family home for longer, but I snapped. I got cross with him - possibly for the first time - and said "you know what - I can't do this anymore. First of all you told me you were separated, then 6 months ago you told me you were separating after christmas, now you tell me you've got to stay there for a few more days. I'm out." I hung up on him.

 

The next day, when I arrived at work, I wrote him a long e-mail and told him that I can’t just keep my feelings in a box that I take out 3 days every month. I want and deserve more than that. It took him 24 hours, but he wrote back, the most rubbish e-mail.,.. hang on, for the sake of full disclosure I’ll copy it here so you’all can tell me what a manipulative pig he is …

 

I so appreciate you laying it out like you did so heres me back as best way I can say it.. You need to fly to heights you are meant to make...and to do that you need as less baggage as possible...that's what I would become and this is a classic example. I also apologise if by telling you to buy real estate as that really was a possible bussness idea and I didn't mean to make it sound otherwise. If there is 1 thing I do understand is that you are on a journey but I don't think I'm meant to go on it with you...I do believe there is a purpose for our coming together at this time though and that we are maybe pushing it to its limits as your reaction maybe a telln sign hey.. I don't know what's going to happen with me out there but I think it maybe time for me to let go of the place for a while too. I've missed soo much of my kids lives and I fear it will cut my time even shorter with them via some stress related thing. I will see a few things out but I reckon the writing is on the wall/ my use by date has expired etc etc...the thing is I don't want to return to ddhs in a hurry either. The other thing is I don't know what, where the **** I am. But I do know I want to regather some of the time lost and I know once it goes its gone but its from now on is all I can do....I value your friendship greatly and don't want to destroy or even crack what is there so I have to say it is not fair nor possible for me at this time to give you the full comitment you deserve for a relationship that you desire and I'm not going to lead you any further. I don't want to loose our friendship but I know that may become a casualty for a while. I don't know what else to say but it would be good to talk to you rather than by txt so call 2moro if you can/want..

So I wrote back ….

 

OK - thanks for your honesty.

 

I wish you wonderful things. I wish you peace and contentment and success and love.

 

My great hope for you is that you come to the realisation that you deserve all those things and that they are available to you in this incredible world of abundance - where anything is possible if you just believe it is.

 

It was fun. Be happy. Over and out.

 

Take care, K

He tried to call me a couple of days later, and I didn’t answer. He didn’t leave a message. Since then deafening silence. And I guess that’s the part I’ve got to get my head around. When it come to him – there is no more noise. It’s over and I can’t talk to him anymore and he is no longer my friend, confidante or lover … and it makes me really really sad.

 

I’m doing all the things you’re supposed to do when you break up with someone. Keeping busy, exercising, spending time with friends (to the extent it’s possible, I’m on a mine site in a remote place in a god-forsaken developing country with colleagues, not really friends – but there’s always someone to hang out with).

 

So anyway – the point of this post – is that the first few days of no-contact seemed pretty easy. I didn’t cry, I didn’t obsess. I was OK. The last couple of days have been really tough – and that’s why I started this post – so I wouldn’t text him asking if it was too soon to be friends!!

 

I hope someone can tell me it’s going to get easier soon. This sux. I knew it was coming, I’ve been preparing myself for it. I want more than he could ever give me and I know I deserve that … there’s just this gaping hole in my world that he’s filled for the past 12 months and it just feels so … empty.

Posted

It will get easier, Kismet, but maybe not for a while. You've given your heart to him, perhaps to a somewhat idealized version of him - since he likely hasn't shown you all of himself, all of what he says and does with his family, etc. Getting over an idealized man is the hardest of all, because they can seem so perfect for you.

 

However, that text you posted shows a bit of reality. For someone who shared such intimate and close moments with you, he sends a text which makes it sounds like you are just friends. That makes me mad for you. I hope you can stop idealizing him a bit, and use the tiny glimpses he has given you (like that text) to see that he really is not that ideal. He also lied about his marital status. Most likely, he is lying to his family too.

 

It will take time to fully grieve, but there is plenty there to get a bit mad about too. Knock him off the pedestal and realize he is not completely the man you hoped he was. Keep posting and let it all out here. It will get better and you will get through this and be happy again.

Posted

I feel for you..sounds rough, but unfortunately affairs seem to lead to nothing but heartache in the end for everyone involved. Been where you are (different circumstances) but the sudden NC is truly agonizing. From what I have read, it is much like coming off an addiction (to OM) not unlike a drug addiction (cocaine, heroin) and your body undergoes chemical changes as you go through the withdrawal phase. This can take time..it is different for everybody. For me it was about 6 weeks and it got easier. Then I made the fatal mistake of calling him during a moment of weakness, and I was right back where I started in my healing. All I can say is remain strict NC because C just delays and prolongs the process of 'withdrawal'.

Posted

What are you doing to fill the time/energy you spent on the relationship with MM? Take up an old hobby? Start a new one you always wanted to try? Start working out at the gym? Running? Martial arts? Working out til you're so tired you pass out when your head hits the pillow is a GREAT coping mechanism.

 

What "support system" do you have in place to help you cope? People you can talk with about this, cry on their shoulder, etc...? Friends/family/relatives?

 

What have you done to prevent contact, on both sides? Removed him/blocked him from contacting you? Removed his contact information so you can't reach out to him when you're weak?

  • Author
Posted

Thank you all for your replies.

 

Woinlove - you make a good point. I fell for the idealized version of him ... I'm missing the man I wanted him to be. I suspect they are two very different creatures.

 

I am mad. I'm mad that one afternoon he's talking about how it doesn't matter that I hate cooking - he can cook and we won't starve (when we live together) and a day later he's writing that I'm his "friend". f*** off.

 

Flowergirl - that's exactly what it feels like. It feels like giving up an addiction. LIke when I gave up smoking the first few days I was full of resolve and it seemed easy ... then the reality kicked in and the withdrawals started ... it was hard for the next couple of weeks.

 

Owl - I'm doing all the stuff I'm supposed to do. Exercising hard, throwing myself into work, hanging out with friends. My friends and family know him - but they don't know about his marital circumstances - and I haven't told anyone that we've broken up because I'm abroad and I don't want to talk about it over the phone or by e-mail. I'll be home in 3 days and I'll talk to my sisters and besties about it then.

 

He e-mailed me last night asking something about a professional matter. I agonized over replying, and in the end, about 3 hours later, sent him a short repsonse that was strictly business. He replied immediately "I miss your voice". Passive-aggressive pig. I turned the phone off and cried myself to sleep.

 

what is with these men? He doesn't want me - but he wants me to be available to talk to him? If he doesn't want me why can't he just leave me the hell alone?

Posted
"I miss your voice".

 

That wasn't nice of him to say..Yes he misses you, but he HAS to respect your wishes and leave you alone, not get personal with you, or make excuses to be intouch with you. No way.. you need time to adjust and deal with this on your own without him contacting you because he misses you and feels the need to get any reaction from you.

 

Passive-aggressive pig.

 

Yes. :laugh:

 

As much as it will hurt, make your boundries CLEAR to him by not being personal with him and keep things professional.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

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