Author Jessica232 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 now where do you stand? Do you still want it over? To you, he was everything. It was more than affair. To him, it was an affair. Though I'm sure what he said to you during moments together he meant what he said at that time, but he really wasn't in any position to follow through. Also, you knew going in he was married with kids so it's not like you didn't know. Many MM lie and omit truths to their OW, not malciously but selfishly. Keep talking to your therapist and hopefully she can help you grieve and move on. I just hope you're choosing to walk away and not 'wait' for him. I don't know what I want. He has shown me I'm not a priority, so there really isn't much moving past that. However, I betrayed him in a big way, and I know I hurt him. I would take that into consideration if he came back. But he knows he can only come back to me as a single man, as I've told him I will accept nothing less. I do believe it's over. I also somewhat disagree that it was just an affair to him. He spent everyday ALL day with me. If we weren't physically together, we were texting nonstop day and night, sharing pictures of what we were doing. I know things about him that no one knows, and he's had experiences with me that he's never had with anyone else(and he should have with his W). If I told him to jump, he would ask how high. He met every demand and ultimatum I put to him. A lot of times these were unreasonable almost impossible things. I kinda feel like this was the last ultimate demand/ultimatum. I really believed that he loved me immensely, but now I am accepting the fact that he's not here, so maybe it was just an affair. Or maybe its just not that simple. I am moving on right now. I have no intention of waiting for him. If he's free in the future, and I am too, well we'll see what happens. He'll be lucky if that happens.
TurboGirl Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 She hurt the wife long before she said a word to her. My point was, that the wife did not NEED to know.
Author Jessica232 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) He can't 'hate' you because he knows what you are capable of doing - emailing the wife, possibly telling people at work. He can't show you the anger because he doesn't know if you are a bunny boiler/stalker. And you did chose to hurt her when you chose to get involved with someone elses husband. Just like it hurts a parent when their kid gets hurt by another kid; the wife gets hurt when her husband cheats. I know you will say "I don't owe her anything - she isn't my wife" but she is a human being with feelings and married to someone. You sound very young and maybe you just really don't understand how devestating it is to find out the person who swore they loved you and wanted a life with you chose to break the vows and disrespect you by cheating with someone. This is untrue. He knows me very well, and I have completely respected his wishes since everything happened. I may send him emails to his personal acct, but HE seeks ME out at work. If I send a work related email, it comes back with a personal inquiry. He sends me personal teasing emails, not the other way around, and HE comes to MY desk to talk. He knows I would never risk people at work finding out. It's the ONLY reason I sent W an anonymous email, so our jobs were protected. At this point, what more could I possibly do to him? And, he continues to approach me without worry I'll tell W. I believe the only reason there isn't more contact at work is because their best friend works there, whom W told of course, and he constantly patrols MM to ensure he's not around me. And maybe I did want to hurt her a bit too. She has hurt MM so much. She is verbally abusive, treats him like a slave, has been emotionally withdrawn for years, and is in love with his best friend. I have seen text messages between them where she belittles him, and has told him she wants a divorce. I have seen the interaction between her and his best friend on FB, where I wondered if she was in love with him well before he and I got involved. He is constantly cleaning their house, cooking their food, and sleeps on the sofa despite having back issues now due to years of it. I know these things for a fact. I really don't like the person she is, and I hate the way she treats him, which I told her in the email. I told her I was letting him go, and to get her act together and realize what she has before she loses him. Edited March 2, 2011 by Jessica232
Carrot2000 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 If I told him to jump, he would ask how high. He met every demand and ultimatum I put to him. Except the one to end his marriage.
Carrot2000 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I may send him emails to his personal acct, but HE seeks ME out at work. If I send a work related email, it comes back with a personal inquiry. He sends me personal teasing emails, not the other way around, and HE comes to MY desk to talk. I'm confused; I thought you said there was no personal contact between you and he won't tell you he loves you? Maybe my reading comprehension is off...
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 And maybe I did want to hurt her a bit too. She has hurt MM so much. She is verbally abusive, treats him like a slave, has been emotionally withdrawn for years, and is in love with his best friend. I have seen text messages between them where she belittles him, and has told him she wants a divorce. Then there's no reason a divorce won't happen. It's only a matter of time.. That is IF what you're saying is 100% the real truth of their marriage. She's abusive and mean to him, belittles him. Question is, if she wanted to divorce him, why hasn't it happened yet? You don't think HE hasn't hurt HER as well? Just something to think about it.
bentnotbroken Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 My point was, that the wife did not NEED to know. Didn't need to know what was happening in her life? Right.
bentnotbroken Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 This is untrue. He knows me very well, and I have completely respected his wishes since everything happened. I may send him emails to his personal acct, but HE seeks ME out at work. If I send a work related email, it comes back with a personal inquiry. He sends me personal teasing emails, not the other way around, and HE comes to MY desk to talk. He knows I would never risk people at work finding out. It's the ONLY reason I sent W an anonymous email, so our jobs were protected. At this point, what more could I possibly do to him? And, he continues to approach me without worry I'll tell W. I believe the only reason there isn't more contact at work is because their best friend works there, whom W told of course, and he constantly patrols MM to ensure he's not around me. And maybe I did want to hurt her a bit too. She has hurt MM so much. She is verbally abusive, treats him like a slave, has been emotionally withdrawn for years, and is in love with his best friend. I have seen text messages between them where she belittles him, and has told him she wants a divorce. I have seen the interaction between her and his best friend on FB, where I wondered if she was in love with him well before he and I got involved. He is constantly cleaning their house, cooking their food, and sleeps on the sofa despite having back issues now due to years of it. I know these things for a fact. I really don't like the person she is, and I hate the way she treats him, which I told her in the email. I told her I was letting him go, and to get her act together and realize what she has before she loses him. She did what to you:mad: He isn't constantly cleaning his house if he is spending all day with you or texting you, coming by your desk, sending you her text. Make up your mind. He ain't super man(maybe not even man). I am sure she doesn't think much of the person you are either. You know jack about her or the life she has lived with him. One thing for sure is you got a big baby on your hands who needs one woman to whip his mouth and the other to whip his...... You not only don't have the right to tell her anything, maybe she should lose something so self destructive and easily led around by his somethings.
complicatedlife Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) She did what to you:mad: He isn't constantly cleaning his house if he is spending all day with you or texting you, coming by your desk, sending you her text. Make up your mind. He ain't super man(maybe not even man). I am sure she doesn't think much of the person you are either. You know jack about her or the life she has lived with him. One thing for sure is you got a big baby on your hands who needs one woman to whip his mouth and the other to whip his...... You not only don't have the right to tell her anything, maybe she should lose something so self destructive and easily led around by his somethings. WORD!!! We really just do NOT know what goes on in people's homes. At the end of the day, no matter how much they text, email, call, are intimate with you, they STILL share a life with someone else. They still go home to someone else. Still spend holidays with them. Go to family dinners, events, etc. I'd NEVER wish that feeling on any woman (or man); it is a kind of loneliness that I cannot even articulate. Edited March 2, 2011 by complicatedlife spelling
Woman In Blue Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 My point was, that the wife did not NEED to know. LOL...that's about the most self-serving statement I've ever read. Jessica, it sounds as though your MM is actually relieved this has all come out in the open. I, too, had to laugh when I read that he claimed he can "no longer trust you." This coming from a guy who made a career out of lying, cheating, gas-lighting and manipulating. How rich. Pot, meet kettle. Don't be surprised when you find out that your xMM has been downplaying the affair to his wife and painting you as a desperate, stalking psycho who wouldn't leave the poor, innocent guy alone. He's no doubt told her that he's never been physical with you (or admitted to "one time" and says he couldn't perform or it made him 'sick' afterward, and blah blah blah). The guy has elevated lying to an art form, so it's more than likely he's completely lied about the entire thing to his wife. Hey - you gambled and you lost. But what did you really lose? A guy who lies to his family's face every single day and thinks nothing of cheating on his wife? I think you actually won - you just don't realize it yet.
woinlove Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Jessica, your posts seem a bit all over the map. In one you say you don't know the wife and in another you say you don't like who she is. You say MM is no longer personal and then you say he is. All his attention was focussed on you and yet he was a slave to his W. Such contradictory posts suggest you are not clear in your own feelings. Perhaps it is time to step back, take a breather, and think about how you feel, how you would like to feel, and how you will get to where you want to be. I think that will be better for you than trying to figure out how MM feels and what his motivations are.
Author Jessica232 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Then there's no reason a divorce won't happen. It's only a matter of time.. That is IF what you're saying is 100% the real truth of their marriage. She's abusive and mean to him, belittles him. Question is, if she wanted to divorce him, why hasn't it happened yet? You don't think HE hasn't hurt HER as well? Just something to think about it. Yes, I definitely believe a divorce will happen. It's just a matter of time. He's definitely hurt her too.
Author Jessica232 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Jessica, your posts seem a bit all over the map. In one you say you don't know the wife and in another you say you don't like who she is. You say MM is no longer personal and then you say he is. All his attention was focussed on you and yet he was a slave to his W. Such contradictory posts suggest you are not clear in your own feelings. Perhaps it is time to step back, take a breather, and think about how you feel, how you would like to feel, and how you will get to where you want to be. I think that will be better for you than trying to figure out how MM feels and what his motivations are. My emotions ARE all over the place. Mostly though, I'm over it. I don't know the wife, and I don't feel like I owe her anything. But I know things about her, and yes, I know them for a fact. I've seen text messages, and been told by MM's best friend (who did not know about us at the time) how awful she is to him. Of course her hurting him has not endeared her to me. I clarified my statement about him not being personal....I've sent personal heartfelt letters to his personal acct, and only gotten a response about half the time. But at work, he is the one who is reaching out to me, he is the one who is making things personal and not focused on work. As far as him being with me, and being a slave to her. When he was home, he was always cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and ALWAYS the one cooking for the kids and putting them to bed every single night he was home. I don't fault him for that, but I always wondered what she did. Definitely time to step back, and I have. I know what I want. My therapist says she thinks I'm over it. But I still having lingering questions. I think every OW does.
phillyfan Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Dude, its clear what he wants, he chose his wife. Sorry it aint what u want but the dude made his choice and stated it 2 u loud n clear. All those emails u r sendin him, - u r givin him a great story to say 'yea she made it all up shes a mad stalker, look she keeps emailin me even tho I neva reply'. And thinkin about it it is a bit crayzee to keep emailin the dude afta he ended it. Hey weve all been there girl, weve all been dumped and sent those msgs, but stop it now, he aint worth it, n u r just givin him a betta story to show his wife and say look, this girl just keeps writin me, dont know why. Hes helpin u at work cos hes helpin u at work, no more n that. Mayb he wants 2 keep u sweet cos hes scared u r gona cause more trouble 4 him. And girl...wateva story he told u about his wife she aint no monster. I tellu rite now, no man stays at home unless he is happy there, end of story.
Carrot2000 Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 As far as him being with me, and being a slave to her. When he was home, he was always cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and ALWAYS the one cooking for the kids and putting them to bed every single night he was home. I don't fault him for that, but I always wondered what she did. God forbid a should actually have to clean his own home and take care of his own kids--oh, the injustice of it all. Clearly, his wife is a horrible person for asking her husband to pull his weight...the nerve of her!
fooled once Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 She did what to you:mad: He isn't constantly cleaning his house if he is spending all day with you or texting you, coming by your desk, sending you her text. Make up your mind. He ain't super man(maybe not even man). I am sure she doesn't think much of the person you are either. You know jack about her or the life she has lived with him. One thing for sure is you got a big baby on your hands who needs one woman to whip his mouth and the other to whip his...... You not only don't have the right to tell her anything, maybe she should lose something so self destructive and easily led around by his somethings. Ditto WORD!!! We really just do NOT know what goes on in people's homes. At the end of the day, no matter how much they text, email, call, are intimate with you, they STILL share a life with someone else. They still go home to someone else. Still spend holidays with them. Go to family dinners, events, etc. I'd NEVER wish that feeling on any woman (or man); it is a kind of loneliness that I cannot even articulate. Ditto God forbid a should actually have to clean his own home and take care of his own kids--oh, the injustice of it all. Clearly, his wife is a horrible person for asking her husband to pull his weight...the nerve of her! Ditto Jessica, you have no idea about their marriage - just what HE tells you. And if you two are always together at work, trust me, people know. And his best friend knows - probably because the MM told him If the best friend is interesting in the MM's wife, of COURSE he is going to tell you bad things - he wants you to take the MM away from the wife so he can have her. What an unhealthy situation for everyone! And it is really sad that you have an ax to grind with a woman who you know NOTHING of, except what a cheater tells you He isn't going to tell you how great she is, how he adores her, how he slowly makes love to her or how he pampers her. That would NOT turn YOU on; so he tells you how mean she is, how horrible she is and how...he has to clean up the house!! And you fall all over that and poor cheating MM He is so misunderstood and so abused. So abused .... yet he goes home to her every night? As for texting all the time, really? texting doesn't equal in person or a relationship. Must be how the new generation defines dating -- by texting or emailing someone. My kids 'dated' people online - friends on facebook, etc. NEVER saw them in person, but they dated.
Carrot2000 Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Ditto If the best friend is interesting in the MM's wife, of COURSE he is going to tell you bad things - he wants you to take the MM away from the wife so he can have her. More than likely, the BF is helping MM cheat--my male cousins do this for each other all the time. They provide each other with alibis and will feed the OW lines to help sustain the affair. The poor women they run game on have no idea how badly they're being played.
complicatedlife Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Jessica, you have no idea about their marriage - just what HE tells you. This is so, so true. I keep reiterating that even though it came to light that my boyfriend told me a lot of truths about his situation, there is STILL an element about it that I will never, ever, really know - they only people who truly know are the people DIRECTLY involved. I think that with time, the truth of what was going out comes out, and you can piece things together little by little...you say to yourself, "Ok, that wasn't too clear, and still isn't" and "Ok, he was actually telling the truth about that". And so on. So abused .... yet he goes home to her every night? As for texting all the time, really? texting doesn't equal in person or a relationship. Must be how the new generation defines dating -- by texting or emailing someone. My kids 'dated' people online - friends on facebook, etc. NEVER saw them in person, but they dated. Yep - how do you go home to abuse? According to my bf, they just ignored each other - far cry from ABUSE. I don't think he would have tried to stay if that was going on! More than likely, the BF is helping MM cheat--my male cousins do this for each other all the time. They provide each other with alibis and will feed the OW lines to help sustain the affair. The poor women they run game on have no idea how badly they're being played. OMG - all of my guy friends tell me this. And my cousins. And my 4 brothers! They all "have each other's backs".
Star_Bright Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 OMG - all of my guy friends tell me this. And my cousins. And my 4 brothers! They all "have each other's backs". Yep, sad but true. ExMM told me a "joke" once about a woman who tells her husband she's out with a group of friends when really she's cheating. He's suspicious and calls the group of friends... she's not among them and they don't know what to say; they just tell him "we don't know where she's is" and they all sound confused. On the other hand a man tells his wife he's playing poker at a friend's house when really he's cheating. When he gets home, she doesn't believe him and calls the friend's house, where his buddies are. All of his buddies immediately cover for him, and two of his buddies are so eager to cover for him that they keep insisting to the wife that her husband is there with them, when in fact the husband is right beside the wife on the phone. He was like, you get it? Women never know they're supposed to lie to cover an alibi unless they're asked in advance, but men instinctually know. I was like ha ha, very funny... it's a sickening "joke" but I do think there's truth to it. I think men instinctively know to cover each other's butts while women are usually more "innocent" about things and would just be confused, like, well our friend isn't here... where else might she be... we have to help her husband find her, or whatever.
NoIDidn't Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Wow, Jessica. From reading more of your posts and agreeing with the others it sounds like your MM has had many affairs before and his friends back him up with any lie he wants to tell about his W. This might not be true, but it sounds like you are dodging a bullet if you let him go and play his victim card somewhere else.
Author Jessica232 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Wow, Jessica. From reading more of your posts and agreeing with the others it sounds like your MM has had many affairs before and his friends back him up with any lie he wants to tell about his W. This might not be true, but it sounds like you are dodging a bullet if you let him go and play his victim card somewhere else. I'm not understanding why everyone thinks his best friend is/will cover for him?? I said in my posts the exact opposite. His best friend is patrolling us constantly, making sure we aren't even talking. He does not approve. And, to clarify further, MM's wife is in love with his best friend, but the best friend is entirely unaware of it. There is no affair between the W and best friend.
bentnotbroken Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I'm not understanding why everyone thinks his best friend is/will cover for him?? I said in my posts the exact opposite. His best friend is patrolling us constantly, making sure we aren't even talking. He does not approve. And, to clarify further, MM's wife is in love with his best friend, but the best friend is entirely unaware of it. There is no affair between the W and best friend. Did she tell you she was in love with BF or is this conjecture by her loyal hubby?
ladydesigner Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Did she tell you she was in love with BF or is this conjecture by her loyal hubby? Right? I don't really get the assumptions.
Author Jessica232 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Did she tell you she was in love with BF or is this conjecture by her loyal hubby? Sigh. Like I said in another post, well before MM and I had any relationship, before I even really knew him (I knew the best friend first), I saw the interaction from MM's W on his best friend's FB, and wondered if she was in love with the best friend. It's very obvious. I recently asked MM if W is in love with the best friend, and he said, yes, I believe so.
bentnotbroken Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Sigh. Like I said in another post, well before MM and I had any relationship, before I even really knew him (I knew the best friend first), I saw the interaction from MM's W on his best friend's FB, and wondered if she was in love with the best friend. It's very obvious. I recently asked MM if W is in love with the best friend, and he said, yes, I believe so. So you and her "loving" hubby are having a relationship and the two of you decided she was in love with MM...that doesn't make it so. sigh.
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