Limbocity Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Hi. First of all, may I ask if this site is usually so slow? It's taken me 45 minutes to get this far!! Anyway, here I am, first time. Nice to meet you, whoever is reading. Please excuse me in advance because I think I just need to get it off my chest, though any response, especially insightful replies, are more than welcome. From where I stand, I'm on pretty chartered ground though with an unusual history backing it. My heart is still broken a year and a half later, as I figured it would be. I've been in love with this guy since we met as kids. We were 12. You can't undo the history. The two years we dated in junior high, the sweetness of first love and the heartbreak that came from the first round, it's part of growing up, for most people. For me, I stand apart as I was unable to get past it, and carried this torch in spite of all reason and common sense, till the year I turned 25, when he sought me out all over again. We were confessing life-long love within the first week of this, and both fell in hard and fast. Everything about us seemed to work and fit perfectly, except for those one or two 'minor' problems that you tend to brush off in the beginning, like pesky flies that later grow to become killer bees. As we were getting serious in those early stages, I was becoming aware of the mountain of personal issues he had, in terms of trauma and broken family. I remember thinking that if I was going to be close to him, I had to be prepared to take these problems on in order to help him cope, and learn to finally grow up in spite of the sadness behind him. Within a year of the relationship, as close and as in love as we were, I could no longer avoid or deny the fact that we were stuck. He'd started going to school full time, which was great and I was fully encouraging about it, but he still lived at home with his depressed mother, and wasn't showing any real signs of changing that situation. Leaving her would mean she'd be on her own, and there was no answer to that problem. Another year later, and we were still in the same boat, but the tension was this giant elephant crushing us both. Right up till the week we suddenly broke up, we were still very much in love, with our lives, hobbies, and friends intertwined. We both were working hard towards what we wanted to become in our lives, and had become a big support for each other in this sense. The breakup was devastating, but it seemed like there was nothing else to be done. He had started to change as well, saying things like 'I want to be with you forever, and that scares me, I don't think I'm ready for it yet. I want to be with you but I'm scared I'll do something to mess it up.' Sure, it felt like a cop-out line, and sure, it still does, because it's still the stance he maintains, 1.5 years later. We're 30 this year.. his birthday is in 2 weeks, I guess that's why I have him so much on my mind right now. He still lives with his sad old mum, though talks relentlessly about moving out, as though it's actually going to happen. Not that we talk much. I've tried like hell to avoid him no matter how much I miss him, but since the breakup, we've sort of had this 'episodes', I'll call them, where we see one another and fall all over each other. We'll spend far more hours together than should be appropriate, and words with too much meaning are exchanged that invariably come down to the same thing. I love him. He loves me. He always will. He's not ready. The thing is, I know he's not ready. I don't want to make excuses for him, but his life prior to starting school four years ago, was a mess since he was a teenager. It's easy to see how his growth was stunted, he went through some severely painful life experiences. He's about to complete his first year of university now; when we first started dating, he didn't even have his high school. He's never even lived on his own. So yeah, I get it. I get that he's got about a decade of growing up to do. But I don't think it's fair that he sees me strictly as this 'wife' role or not at all. He told me he remembered that in grade 7, when we were little kids going on mall dates and walks around the park, he thought he was going to marry me. That was that, there was no real questioning it. Most of the time now, I'm really just jaded about anything he ever said like that, because it all feels like bullsh*t now. It feels like he's assuming that since I've loved him my whole life, that I'll always just be there waiting. In fact, he even alluded to this, about 6 months after we broke up... I pointed out that there's a chance that when he's finally 'ready', I may well be with someone else, and he said he'd come for me anyway, like that was no problem. I'm less worried about him now than I am about myself. Though I have got myself going on a great roll these days, in a way I've been working towards for ages, I'm also terrified about loneliness. I wake up some mornings, like today, and still feel the emptiness of what's not next to me. I know that in order to live my life, I have got to accept the likelihood that this story between us has come to an end and let it go into the past. But the bond, it feels like it will never lessen. It was understood that my break up recovery might be longer and harder than average on account of how deep rooted the emotions are. But almost for that very reason, I feel that I won't really be myself in full unless I've had a chance or two at love with someone else. My gut doesn't agree, it just wants the one guy, but my head knows better. They say you should always just listen to your gut, but I've learned that it's instincts are not always attentive to what's possible. Me: I'm an artist. Why I say I'm on a role right now is because for the first time in my adult life, I've situated myself in a position of freedom. I've been struggling through a stressful 9-5 job with plenty of unpaid overtime for the past year and a half (job started 2 days before the breakup - yes, it is amazing that I got through those first few months! I know). And pretty soon, I'll have saved enough that I can embark on my own pursuits. I'm not sure why this scares me or makes me sad. I think it's because I'm finally, finally approaching something that makes sense to me and what I want out of life, something that I've worked hard to earn, and yet, it's still not going to bring back the happiness I had with him, as stressful as the rest of my life may have been at the time. I guess I should add that neither of us have dated someone new. I've dated, sure, though nothing that grew into anything. I've met a lot of new people, but no sparks. I think he'd like to be dating, though is having trouble meeting anyone. He's a good looking and funny guy, but I think the whole never-moved-out, just started full-time school thing kind of hampers your game when you're a 30 yr old bachelor. Then again, I also like to think it's partly because of me. I know it will probably happen sooner or later. My brother thinks it will be good for me to see him with someone else, might be just what I need no matter how much it hurts. I somehow doubt it. I do hope I get to that point first, I don't care how immature that sounds. I don't really have any direct questions to ask you guys. I guess I'm just looking for some support.. tell me I can do this next step, finally go after things I want, and I don't need him. Tell me anything you like. I'm feeling alone and scared and looking out at this sea of internet folk, hoping for people to play the trust-circle game with. Thanks! And sorry for the length. I have no idea how to keep these things short, it all feels important.
D-Lish Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 It sounds to me like both of you are clinging to idealistic notions both of you had regarding "love" when you were 12 years old. You've had life experiences and copious amounts of time to mature- but you're both looking at life from the perspective of teenagers when it comes to your love entanglement. It's romantic to rekindle things with your first love, but life isn't a soap opera, life evolves. I think you guys are both having trouble giving up what your 12 year old counterparts believed to be destiny - instead of taking a hard look and developing a mature understanding for what is happening now. Your guy obviously isn't ready to settle down, and he doesn't seem to be in a position to do so- but you are evolving. It's okay to let go, if he isn't capable of giving you what you need, maybe it's time to move on and focus on a new chapter of your lives that doesn't include one another. You tried when you were 12, you tried again when you were 25- now you're both 30, and things haven't progressed in the manner that a relationship that has gone on this long should have by now. Maybe it's time to cut ties.
fltc Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I don't really have any direct questions to ask you guys. I guess I'm just looking for some support.. tell me I can do this next step, finally go after things I want, and I don't need him. Tell me anything you like. I'm feeling alone and scared and looking out at this sea of internet folk, hoping for people to play the trust-circle game with. I think the next step is to do what you've done, get some help. Many things are easier if you don't go it alone. If you can't find sufficient help here, consider profesional help, it's available from many sources and people here can help you find it if you need it. You really don't need him and you really are NOT alone, we're here and you can lean on us as much as you need to, OK?
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