hopeful4someday Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I'm posting here because I read some threads and you guys seem to get it. I "dated" (?) this guy for about four and a half years. Initially he pursued me, but then his enthusiasm seemed to sort of wane and we settled into a pattern of only hanging out once a week or so. We were at different places in life; he was about 20 years older than me and didn't want the things that I wanted for the future (marriage and kids). But somehow I fell for him and after a few fights we stopped talking about the relationship and it just was what it was. We chatted pretty often, I slept over there a lot, he helped me with stuff when I needed it. There wasn't anyone else in the picture for either of us, and I wouldn't have been ok with him seeing anyone else (and I'd told him so). After a while I guess I started to compromise, I thought I could do without the things he didn't want. I thought that he wasn't acting boyfriendy (not coming out to group stuff as my date, etc.) because he didn't want to lead me on, since he knew I wanted more than he wanted in the long run. He'd told me about some really horrible relationships he'd had in the past, so I just took what he said at face value and thought he was just a little gunshy and that once he got to trusting me more it would be ok. So when I compromised on wanting kids or marriage, I guess I sort of expected that we would be able to have a relationship.... And then he told me that he'd never loved me and that he cared about me but he just thought I was a friend and an escape and that our time together was fun and to pass time and that sometimes you're just in relationships where one person doesn't care as much as the other person does. He didn't think of himself as my boyfriend and didn't think that we were exclusive or anything, and even though he didn't ever see anyone else, that didn't mean he felt anything for me. I feel like a huge idiot. I just can't grasp how someone could spend any time with someone for that long, consistently, without having feelings. And I know I'd told him early on that if he didn't have any to tell me because I'd go, and he'd said that he wouldn't say that because it wasn't true and he cared. There are other things too, things that I swear he said and that he now denies saying and says that I probably just misunderstood what he was trying to say because it certainly wasn't *that*. I just don't get it. I feel devastated and hurt and crushed and totally unlovable. Spending time with him felt good -- we'd just kick around and watch tv and talk, and even if I was having the world's worst day he'd make me feel better. Now I feel like he was just using me as some kind of pervy hookup and it makes me feel disgusted with myself for not having seen it. I don't really know how to come to terms with it. I'm in my late 20s now, and I'm just afraid that I missed the boat for ever finding someone I can settle down and have a family with. I mean, is that normal? Can guys just maintain an intimate relationship for years and just never care? I can't imagine doing anything with someone I didn't like... but it seems like it came pretty easy for him.
fltc Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I mean, is that normal? Can guys just maintain an intimate relationship for years and just never care? I can't imagine doing anything with someone I didn't like... but it seems like it came pretty easy for him. It's not only normal, it's common. It's called Friends with Benefits and it almost always ends with one person becoming romantically attached to the other and altering the relationship so much that it often has to end.
Author hopeful4someday Posted March 1, 2011 Author Posted March 1, 2011 We specifically discussed NOT being FWB... that's kind where I'm stumped.
Trovador Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 It´s also called marriage... and women do it too... But I think you are crying over spilled milk, the guy was honest to you, even if you pressured him to be so... And it wasn't about you, so don't feel unlovable or low or ugly or whatever negative idea you might have about yourself... maybe it was the age difference... I know I'd be terrified to keep a relationship with a woman 20 years my junior... In fact, my ex is 20 years younger and although I had deep feelings for her, I never would have married her (but in this case her personality had a lot to do with my way of thinking), anyway, she wasn't that enthusiastic for marrying me either... You are young, why are you so desperate for settling in life? He should be the one worrying...
fltc Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 We specifically discussed NOT being FWB... that's kind where I'm stumped. But that's exactly what you were....
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 First of all, you need to divide the thoughts you wrote. Some of them have nothing to do with others. You are NOT unlovable, nor did you "miss the boat" in any way. Getting married (eventually) is NOT like test scores back in high school, where there is an "average age of first marriage" (which, for women, is about 26, and for those with a Master's Degree, 30-ish) but in this case being on the 'other' side of average isn't truly a knock against you. Once there you will KNOW YOURSELF much better, and that, along with maturity, is the key to MAKING BETTER CHOICES FOR 'you'. As for the guy of whom you write... he was probably just telling you things to hurt you for some psychological reason of his own, that was independent of you. When you reach the point of merely accepting your past, then STOP analyzing it to death. Your emotions will repair themselves but you can hurry that along by being good to yourself in the present. Look at life from the standpoint of where you are right NOW. Consider, then, how you improve your social life and social circulation in the present, and then move forward from here. Good luck.
Author hopeful4someday Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 You guys are right, thanks. I mostly needed to vent. I'd had a hard time trusting and being comfortable with things early on but over time I grew to trust him and the one thing I was certain of was that we felt the same way towards each other, regardless of the practical obstacles we both had to a more substantial relationship. I am disappointed that more wasn't said earlier and that things that were said were misleading and untrue. IMO, if you want a FWB relationship, that's cool, but make that expectation clear from the beginning and don't say things that lead your partner in crime to believe that you harbor loving feelings towards them. I'm also a little bummed that while we were doing our thing, there were other guys who I was interested in but turned down, and now they're off the market. But, what's done is done. On the positive side, being told that he never loved me and just thought of me as entertainment has really helped with forward progress. There's really nothing that could have been done differently and no reason to bother thinking about how to get him back. I still have moments of being hurt, being angry, feeling emotionally inept (why didn't I see it?), wanting to get back at him (legally and in a relatively socially acceptable way, of course) but I'm just holding steady waiting for those feelings to subside and for the most part I've just sort of tossed myself back into a rigorous "me" schedule. I've picked up the pace on training for some races this summer and found some local meetups for socializing with people my own age who share my interests and have a bunch of new stuff on my social calendar. I'm feeling optimistic about things overall at this point. It just would have been nice if this chapter had been shorter, since ultimately it was pretty worthless. Anyway, I appreciate everyone's honesty on here. It helps to have a reality check!
depplover_1980 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Were you dating George Clooney by an chance?! I don't believe this was a FWB type arrangement and if it was he took advantage of your naivity and was not clear about it. To me it sounds like this guy has commitment issues and has probably done this to countless women over the years, infact there's probably enough to start a basketball team! In life, peoples lack of respect never fails to make me shake my head - especially since I've been on this forum. You need to learn a few things from the experience and ensure it wasn't for nothing; in future look out for guys who clearly want a relationship and hold back a little before committing your heart. Also think about the things you liked doing with this guy and use that as a guide to steer your next relationship. Your age is no obstacle and if you keep healthy you can have children up to 40 now, so there is no rush. Live your life as it comes and not by a blueprint.
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