Move on or Hold on??

[scruffy nerfherder]

Never joined or posted to a forum before but I'm at a loss as to what to do anymore and looking for people who have been in a similar situation or those that may have insight.

 

Long story short, started dating a guy two years ago; fell in love moved in to his house 7 months after dating. Lived together for a year, and then we broke up.

 

I knew about 6 months into living together that I was off; I was acting needy and began to distrust my ex. I ended up smothering him and he asked for a break. I then pushed him even further by saying that "a break is short for break up" and so he said okay its a break up. (Me pushing people that get close to me was a pattern....could not see is up until now though)

 

I was devastated! We had talked about a future together, marriage, kids, where we'd build a house. And it was over. I knew something was just not right with me. So hours after the break up I called a therapist and have been going for the last 9 months.

 

Found out that because of childhood experiences, I have or rather had fear of abandonment and feelings of unworthiness. This is so clear to me now, I needed constant reassurance; I'd ask my ex on a fairly daily basis if he loved me, I just couldn’t believe that he had chosen me and was convinced that he'd find someone better. I pushed him into doing the one thing I was most fearful of; that was losing him.

 

We didn’t have too much contact over the next four months. Through therapy I began to deal with my issues and felt that it was time to contact him. I needed to tell him some of the issues that I had and experiences I had with my parents, my mother in particular and why I felt abandoned. He listened and forgave me, and I then forgave myself; it was quite cathartic actually. Now I know that he did play a part in the end result as well, but I know that my behaviour was unnecessary and uncalled for. But that is his to figure out and own. I can only acknowledge my own piece of this.

 

We decided to become friends and that was enough for me...I believed and still do, that if we could build a solid foundation that there could be a chance we'd reconnect. Over the next couple of weeks he began to make sexual innuendo and flirt with me. He pursued me and one thing lead to another and we began dating. I felt that things were going well. I was not at all clingy and I was the one who honestly didn’t want to label it. I did ask that it be exclusive as we were intimate. And he agreed. Things were working I felt.

 

Over the next three months we hung out. He did seem distant in that we really only spent one day/night a week together. And this was fine for me, although I didn’t really like the fact that the dating relationship seemed regimented with specific days to hang out, but it was working so I said nothing. Now around Xmas, some friends began to treat us like we were back together. And that did make me feel uncomfortable, but I went with it, as he didn’t say anything otherwise and I figured go with it and see where it went.

 

A few weeks after the holidays he called and asked for space again. I now am much more confident and so asked him to clarify what that means, as it can be interpreted in many different ways. He said that we should not be intimate. Which I agreed was a good idea…no need to complicate things…and it’s about compromise anyhow and taking it slowly. He said he had a lot going on... at work and with his family and he needed time to himself. Which I always knew about him…he’s the type that need down time. He continued to say that he wanted me in his life but needed me as a friend right now. He said he should be happy that someone so great like me would want to be with him.

 

I asked if there was someone else and he adamantly said no; that he was not ready to be anyone’s boyfriend or be in a relationship with anyone right now. I admitted that I was not fully ready either. I am still going through therapy and there are still things I need to address. And that it’s probably not healthy for me to jump back into a relationship with him or anybody until I am completely healed. And that maybe friendship was the way to go. If he needs space to figure his **** out, then that’s what I will give him. I've come a long way in nine months.

 

We then had no contact for two months until we went to a concert together (we had bought tickets together months before and agreed two months before when he asked for space that we'd go together).

 

We went with a couple of friends. Had a great night. Had a few drinks so we all took a taxi together as we live close by each other. Yet once we got in the taxi he insisted on me coming to his house as did our friends. I said no but they persisted. They wanted to hang out after. So I went. We grabbed food when we got back to his place and our friends went to bed right after eating...not much hanging out at all. I was a little ticked as that was why I went to his house.

 

My ex offered his bed to me and I said thanks but I'll sleep on the sofa and watch tv till I fall asleep... He then suggested that we both sleep in his bed...to which I adamantly said no that would not be a good idea. He then said "I won't touch you". Not sure if he was being a good guy there or a drunk fool who thought he’d get some?? Anyhow, I responded with thanks but the sofa is good. Woke up the next morning and we all made breakfast and sat around watching a movie and I then went home. We later texted and there was some carrying on and jovial nature....maybe even some mild flirting.

 

So I guess my story was longer than short?! But here lies my dilemma...I am confused with his actions. He asks for space and does not contact me but then suggests sleeping in the same bed together...the same bed we shared for a year! Plus, I have been the one contacting him...but when I do contact him he initiates getting together to catch up, jokes around or suggests doing things we used to like to do together-watch movies, going to a new restaurant.

 

I know that he is probably very confused and maybe even a little afraid that I will turn into the smothering nimrod that I was nine months ago. But I am not. Its amazing what therapy can do for you! But I don't know how to proceed?? And I have to admit that even if he called me now and asked to get back together, I'd want to take it super slow...maybe even start out as just friends.

 

I think friendship is the way to go for us and leave intimacy out of the equation until we get to know each other again. But I am afraid to mention anything along the lines of second chances or having hope in fear that I will make him run.

 

We will end up going to the same show next week and so I am certain we’ll run into each other. Should I contact him next week to see if he wants to grab a bite to eat like he suggested? Or should I wait for him to contact me? He is very social when he is out but I know that he really enjoys down time by himself...and probably won't call me....he doesn't call people in general; I know.. I lived with him for a year. I am committed to seeing where this goes...but I dont want to make any more mistakes or even worse get hurt again. I love him dearly and I know that he still loves me. We are not in love with each other anymore and that makes sense....our old relationship is dead and gone. Those feelings have gone with it as well....both good and bad. But neither of us can seem to fully let the other go....is there a reason for that? Hope maybe? Advice?

 

Thanks!!

[D78]

I admire you. So many people can't even recognize when their behavior is messing up a relationship. You not only recognized it, but you took action to get over the reasons behind your behavior. The relationship world would be a better place if more folks were as brave as you.

 

I think you should tell him exactly what you said here about being friends without intimacy but with the door open as to your future. That way, he can get to know you again and realize you won't be smothering him. You can support him as he deals with his family/work problems.

 

If I were you, I would call him and ask if he wants to get a bite to eat after the show next week, but try to make it in a public place rather than getting food and going back to his place. Then, while you're eating, explain your feelings.

 

If you don't tell him what you want, you will probably continue to be frustrated with this relationship. He may be relieved to know what you want. He probably already has a clue that you don't want intimacy right now, as you didn't sleep in his bed. You'll just be explaining why.

 

Good luck!

[scruffy nerfherder]

Oh I wouldn't admire me to much...my behaviour did destroy the relationship. But thankfully because it did happen I'm dealing with issues that I should have dealt with a looong time ago. Buut I ended up losing the one person I loved most and loved me.

 

I just hope that it isn't too late.

 

Thank you though for the very kind words!

 

I am unsure though if I should actually talk to him about where I want things to go? I'm worried that it will push him away rather than closer. I truly do want to be friends and just go with it. And if it leads to something romantic that'd be great, but if there is nothing there to save then at least I get my best friend back.

 

He's not much of a talker about feelings anyhow so I'm just not sure? I do totally agree to keep meeting up and activities in a public place. There is too much history in our old home that I'm afriad will bring back old feelings. And I'm not really looking for old feelings....I want new feelings. I know I have certainly changed and I'm sure he has to....we may not even like each other now.

Edited March 2, 2011 by scruffy nerfherder
spelling mistakes

[You Go Girl]

It sounds to me like there are communication issues.

First I think you have to discuss what happened in the past. If he's unwilling to have open discussions about your past relationship, then do you really want a guy like that for a long-term relationship in your future?

 

I don't think he's putting in much effort. If he wants you, he'll be proactive, not mousey.

[broken-and-lost]

Hey, scruffy

 

I've been where you are now i also had similar issues which cost me the love of my life and i also went to councillor for about a year helped me realise my behaviour in relationships at time was self destructive as i would push people i loved away to avoid abandonment which ironically you cause yourself by pushing people away.... I haven't been able to rescue my relationship but if i had the chance to do so.

 

I would do what your doing try to start off by just spending time with the person and being yourself the real you, who was hidden in part before! you've faced your issues head on and that shows commitment to yourself and your ex , keep away from the intimacy side of things for a while and see if your ex is able to let the past go and see you for you now, if he is unwilling to leave the past in the past then at least you will be able to say you actually give it a real shot and you can take what you've learned onto someone new without the baggage of the past.

 

hope things work out for you

[SingVoice]

I also congratulate you on recognizing you had a problem and trying to work on it.

 

BUT I must say that YOU are not the only person in the relationship. I think he also needs to do some work. Because if all that is happening is you are trying to fix yourself and fix your relationship...and he is just sitting there watching you...it won't work.

 

If you guys really have a shot of making it work...why don't you do some therapy TOGETHER? I mean...if he feels the same way about you...if he WANTS it to work...then he should be willing to put in some effort too, right?

[scruffy nerfherder]

Thanks guys for your support and advice! This is exactly what I was hoping to get from joining this group.

 

Here lies my current dilemma...because I don't want to jump back into a relationship, I am fearful that talking about our past relationship will only push him further away. Not because I think he is not willing to make this work (to be honest I don't know if he's thinking that far ahead), but rather I think he is confused about what he wants. As am I to be honest. But as I said, neither of us have or can, it seems, to fully let go of the other and this leads me to believe that there is some hope. I truly like who he is and I do have fun with him and I know he feels the same way about me. And for now, I have been able to separate the intimate feelings I may still have for him from my feelings of liking the guy for who he is.

 

I have to admit that this period of no contact for two months did me wonders, I know that for sure! And I did not contact him for one week after we hung out last week...old me would have been calling and texting him.... driving him nuts! But I'm realizing that less is actully more. You think?

 

We have already talked about what went wrong months ago after we first broke up. In the beginning of our relationship communication was not an issue at all, but as my fears surfaced it did indeed became one as I had this need to discuss eeeverthing! And what should have been a 5 minute conversation would end up being an hour conversation. Ugh, I cannot believe that I had become that person! I would have kicked my own ass to the curb long before he ever did for that annoying behavior. But at least I have changed my communication skills now. I am much more direct and to the point again…and I don’t plan on changing back! I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin and so confident!

 

So I immediately began a journal after we broke up and two months after that, we met and I read some key points from it. He admitted that he did play a role in the eventual break up. And he insisted that I not take all the responsibility. He was a good guy during this whole ordeal. Would have been a lot easier if he was a jackass.

 

I know that I was clingy and totally dependent on him for my happiness and we did literally everything together, which was too much for any relationship to bear. Let alone a romantic one. I see that now. I have my independence back and am not willing to give it up for anyone!

 

I do have hope that out of this friendship will come something romantic. But I honestly don't even know if the "spark" is there still. I do feel an attraction toward him still, but how do I truly know if that isnt just residual feelings from our past? I'm thinking maybe just leaving the past in the past and focusing on being who I truly am and hanging out and having fun together...which honestly was what attracted us to the other in the first place may be the way to go for now?

 

I'm thinking that focusing too much on the past and allowing it to seep into my present and future is what got me into trouble to begin with. I could not let go of things from my parents’ divorce, the awful things that were said to me as child and being abandoned over and over. Because of that I would became clingy when I finally found real love. If I had just let that part of my past go I wouldn’t have felt the need to smother him.

 

Anyhow, what do you guys think? Talk about being friends and having hope for us or letting things ride and see where they go? Advice please!

[scruffy nerfherder]

Ok, more input please?!

 

I have not read too much into anything that has been happening with my ex and I for the last few months. And it feels good not to analyze everything and just go with it. Buuut...

 

I can't help but wonder when I have talked with him in the last couple of weeks why he tells me where he went, what he did , who he was with? I certiainly don't ask. I asked him to check the mail as some of my mail still goes to his address...he responded by telling me that he was getting his haircut and check when he gets home. Why not tell me he's just not home? Then the other night he told me that he was his brother's house, why not just say I'm out? He told me what he was doing this past weekend and asked me what I was doing? I didnt ask him nor did I divulge what I was doing. Then weeks ago when friends of his were visiting, we met up for lunch and I said he must be excited to have them here and he responded by saying he was but that it was hectic. And then proceeded to tell me exactly what they did/where they went every day/night.

 

Do you think he's doing this for a reason? Or is he just chatting with a friend? I really do not want to read too much into this! Regardless, I want to remain friends only for a while so that we can build on something. But I can't help but wonder why he is providing so much information? Should I allow this to give me hope? Having some hope can't hurt can it??

 

Advice?? I need someone to keep me on track! Help!

[ReturnToSender]

Things with my ex sound so familar, except that we did not move in together...we were very close (just about to sign a lease) when we broke up. Also, I cant imagine him going months without us talking, hed freak out. Everything else sounds very similar though.

 

I too have wondered, whats up with the detailed report on your day?! Mine does that too...like out of the blue he'll text me something along the lines of "Hows your day going? Im just having lunch, then I gotta get a haircut before a meeting, then I gotta work up north before I head to rehearsals, then I gotta work again tonight and wont be home til around 11...will you be up? Can I call you later?"

 

And Im sitting there thinking..god man Im not even sure what In doing today and I have his whole itinerary! I think sometimes he does that after spending the day with someone else, and so he tells me every little detail of his day when hes not seeing someone, to try and give me the impression hes too busy for anyone else? I dont know, just a guess really. Baffling LoL

 

It is confusing though when they keep acting like they want to make things work, but say they are not ready. It makes the whole actions speak louder than words things so muddled....he says he loves me but hes not with me. He says hes not ready for a relationship but makes a date with me a couple times a week and has even cancelled work to spend time with me instead when Ive invited him to something.

 

Im as lost as you are it would appear lol

[scruffy nerfherder]

Hey Return to Sender!

 

I just sent him a text after reading your take on things. I never thought that it may actually have been a date and that he didnt know how to react either. But this is why I joined this group...to get different perspectives on things. Thank you!

 

Anyhow, I know him so well and if I told him I wanted to talk he'd pester the crap out of with "why", "about what", "give me a clue"....and this would continue until I broke down and talked over texts...which is not what I want to do. So I used an excuse to drop by later. He said of course that'd he'd be home later tonight. I told him that I needed a contract reviewed and he went on with a "of course, you know I'm there for you", or something of that nature. Ugh, sounded so corny, like he was trying to make up for something terrible he did. Then he sent me a BBM, which I could see half of in my preview screen, but which I didnt open that said "why didn't you answer..." I'm guessing hes asking me why I didnt answer his BBM's from yesterday. I just can't get into anything through a device. This is something that has to be said in person.

 

In any case you have helped me immensly! If he is dating then we cannot be friends at all. I know how awkward it is to be dating him when he is on contact with his ex's....even if it is platonic. I was there two years ago and it shakes your confidence. And I can't do that to another girl, even if she is trying to make a go of it with my ex.

 

It's hard hey? When they won't let you go fully? It may be easier on them but its so much harder on us! I mean I still think that somewhere down the line we'll get a chance again, even if its years from now. I just don't think we are over. But for now we have to be. I thought that we could build a friendship, a true friendship, honestly without romance or intimacy. And maybe down the road it may lead to something and if not we'd be life long friends. But after the fiasco this past weekend I think it's best of we part ways. He's confusing me and I guess he's confused as well. But until he gets his **** together and starts being honest with me, I have to draw the line.

 

I learned though therapy that you teach people how to treat you. And I obviously taught him it was okay to pull me in and push me away. I guess I taught him it was okay because I never said it wasnt. I guess I was so afriad of fully losing him that having him want me at all, even if it was on his terms or his time was okay. But that will stop now! It has to. I have to take my power back that I allowed him to take from me. I deserve better than this and he has to do better.

 

How are you now with your ex? Do you still talk? How did you approach it all?

[ReturnToSender]

I came to the realization you did awhile ago too. When he was still seeing the girl he cheated on me with, I didn care a bit about her and her feelings to still spending time with me...she didnt care about mine afterall. But I have to admit, when I found out he was seeing someone else that sort of changed...she had nothing to do with any of this. Im afraid that possibily didnt work out because of me.

 

I was with his parents when they found out he was playing somewhere...I texted him warning him we were on our way and I coudlnt talk his parents out of it. I was more afraid he was there with the girl he cheated with, and didnt want a run in. He just replied saying he understood and not to worry about it, just have a good time. This girl was playing with him that nite, and when he intro'd her to his parents, and then also to me and my daughter. ..she looked completely shocked (everyone knows me, Im sure she knew my name and that I was the ex), but said it was great to meet me and said to him...wow, looks like your family is here.

 

It wasnt till a month later that I found out he had been involved with her, and can imagine, if anything a nite like that would end it, having his gf and her kid show up with his parents on a holiday to come and see him would send her off. And I genuinely felt bad cause Im not trying to hurt someone else.

 

Being friends is not working for me on any level though...I love him immensely...to the point that if he doesnt want to be with me and wants to be in a relationship with someone else, he should go out there and find it. Only thing is, I dont want to be around for the play by play. This is what I told him just last week...so yeah its a very recent realization. I blew up on him (using my method I told you about in that other post lol) Ever since then Ive been trying to do NC, and have chilled towards him...which led to him showing up at my job yesterday to see me.

 

I just want him to make a choice...make it official and be with me, or leave me alone and find what he wants out of life elsewhere. But I cant handle this anymore. Its been almost a year and a half of this madness...boy time flies! So does my sanity apparently! lol For the first time since before I met him though, theres a guy Im genuinely interested in getting to know, who even gives me those dreaded butterflies...so who knows maybe thats a good sign that Ive actually made progress cause up til now, Ive been trying to force myself to get out there, and even the best potential I had was much of me talking myself into giving the guy a chance even though I found him annoying.

[scruffy nerfherder]

Wow! That's a story!

 

So happy to hear that you are feeling ready to move on. My break up will be a year soon...you are right time does fly! I however have not been able to move on. I had some work to do on myself. Therapy has helped and I'm finding myself much stronger now than I ever have. Which is why Im feeling like laying it all on the table with my ex and telling him I'm prepared to walk away for good.

 

I do want happiness and love. I thought in the beginning that we'd still have a chance at it together. But when he asked for space a few months ago...I think that at that point I was able to separate my feelings of romantic love from feelings of love for who he is.

 

Its crazy hey, how of you ignore them or if they think you're mad at them they try harder? Men! In any case, I am truly sick of what feels like game playing. I'm done. I want a nice normal life with people that care about me and respect me and are up front and honest with me. I can take most anything if you are honest with me. But it's the pussy-footing around things that make it harder for me. And he's that guy. Hates conforntation, hates talking about important issues, is afraid of hurting people. But what he doesnt realize is that by using those methods he ends up doing the thing he is trying to avoid and that's hurt people. Its best to be honest with people.

 

Wish me luck later tonight! I'll have to post and let you know how things go. I hope that I can stay strong and hold my ground! And most importantly do not cry! Ugh, that'd be the worst. But I think I'll be okay?!

[ReturnToSender]

Yup, my ex is a pussy-footer too lol how infuriating that is! Thats why I asked that about NC and when to give them a chance though, cause Ive given him chance after chance only to end up at square one. One thing I got from asking my question though is not to even think about it again unless he flat out says, I want to be in a serious relationship with you, intros me as his gf, is open about it that hes in a relationship, and I can splay pics of us together on fb again without him freaking out as if he has something to hide.

 

True story, last week when he told me hes not ready for a relationship, totally dashing every thought and hope I had that he was trying to reconcile with me, I ran to my room, buried my face in my pillow and was a second from tears when my alarm went off that it was time to get ready for work. I popped up and thought...oh crap I gotta get in the shower! and totally forgot I was supposed to be devastated...and went on to have a great day at work. HUGE difference between that and in the past when Id crawl into bed and bawl for hours...get up eat use the bathroom, crawl into bed and cry some more.

 

So yeah, set your timer to go do something later tonight, and then when it goes off, no matter how you feel, get up and do it! Even if its clean the fridge or something LoL...Im serious though...deflect and give yourself time to decompress...

 

I hope things go well..please let us know what happens!

[scruffy nerfherder]

So it’s been a while. I talked to my ex about the situation at the concert and how I was ready to walk away, hands clean; forget his number blah, blah... because I felt that he had disrespected me that night. I was very genuine and calm and respectful and said that I thought we were perhaps in different places. I told him that if the tables were turned that I would have given him the heads up or left...I would not have ignored him and made him feel uncomfortable while I chatted up a new guy in front of him. I told him that he was confusing me and that it wasn’t fair. That he needed to be honest with me. I went on to say that one of us may very well start seeing someone new but if we had built a solid friendship it'd be easier. And giving the other the heads up is just better than finding out through a mutual friend or even worse seeing the other out in public cuddling a new partner.

 

He explained that the girl was a friend of his buddy’s sister and he was quite intoxicated and that he would never do anything to hurt me. He said that his buddy ended up having to tell this girl to take a hike and quite insulted her, but she was hanging off him all night. He went on to tell me that he left early and went to his buddy’s house for the night and went on to tell me what they did. I interrupted him to tell him that he didn’t need to explain all this to me but he said that he wanted me to know.

 

I then said that being drunk was no excuse and he made me feel awkward. We discussed the incident further and settled on it wasn't what I thought and that if either of us were ready to date someone new that we'd give the other the heads up. So he said "we're good then?"

 

But I said no that we were not. I said that I was in a place where I missed him and wanted my friend back, not my boyfriend. Who knows where we both will end up ultimately, but right now I want to build a real friendship with him. But I said that I felt as if I was the only one putting in the effort. That he needed to do better. I said that if this was not something he wanted to pursue with me then he needed to be honest and let me know. He said it was and that he was going out of town for a couple of weeks and when he got back that we'd get together and made plans for what we'd do.

 

I didn’t stick around or drag out the conversation any further, like I would have a year ago. But the last thing I said to him, quite adamantly was "do not treat me like this again" to which he responded "c'mon a guy can have an off night" to which I responded "do not ever treat me like this again or there will be no discussion, I will forget your number and walk away" to which he responded "I promise I won't treat you like this again".

 

Haven’t heard from him since. He had friends in town visiting and had work to catch up on before he left, so I get that he was busy. Don’t want to be the person I was last time and put demands on his time and harass him. But at the same time I don’t want to play the fool either. I do miss him. I do want to spend time with him. But I don’t want to be made a fool of or be strung along.

 

I sent him a message through FB, as he left a post about his vacation and many people have commented on it, so I figured that I'd send him an email message rather than on his wall for all to see...but that him writing a post would open the door for me to contact him? Bad idea??

 

Anyhow I said hope he was having fun...yadda yadda, made a funny joke about something from our past (a tv show reference, nothing too personal or anything), and asked if we were still a go for when he got back. Said hope so would love to hear all about his trip. What do you think? Good idea or a no no? I guess only time will tell now.

 

But I just don’t want to make too much of this, as he is on vacation visiting family, if he doesn’t get a chance to check it...that makes sense right? God, I just don’t want to be a pushover and make excuses, but at the same time I don’t want to think he's an arsehole because he's not responding to messages, because I know how easy it is to not get a chance to check your mail or FB or miss a message if you have 30 in your inbox.

 

Trying to keep this balance is tough!

 

Thoughts???