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Ever feel like you're the glue that's keeping them together???

half_ofa_heart

By half_ofa_heart
in The Other Man / Woman

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East7 Established Member

East7

Posted
Posted

You may be their therapy affair. Your affair may be the diversion from doing the hard and necessary job of finding happiness within or happiness within the marriage: Affair partner as therapist!

 

If you mean that it forces the WS to question themselves, about their place in the marriage and eventually start IC then yes it might have a therapeutic effect from this perspective. My xMW started IC while in A but then she dropped it because she thought it was useless.

 

OM, a woman, on the otherhand, when she is emotionally done with her marriage, spews contempt when speaking of her husband. He cannot do anything right, and I am not talking minor irritations. You can hear it in her voice. It is unmistakable.

 

She may be emotionally done and still stay.

IME xMW used to complain a lot about her H while in A, then after we broke and went LC, suddenly he became a wonderful H..

 

Cognitive dissonance, the fox and the grapes syndrome :)

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fox_and_the_Grapes

PhoenixRise Established Member

PhoenixRise

Posted
Posted
If you mean that it forces the WS to question themselves, about their place in the marriage and eventually start IC then yes it might have a therapeutic effect from this perspective. My xMW started IC while in A but then she dropped it because she thought it was useless.

 

 

 

She may be emotionally done and still stay.

IME xMW used to complain a lot about her H while in A, then after we broke and went LC, suddenly he became a wonderful H..

 

Cognitive dissonance, the fox and the grapes syndrome :)

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fox_and_the_Grapes

 

 

East

 

I don't want to speak for Spark and I sure she will be back to clarify but...

 

A therapy affair is exactly what my husband had. Here is how it went-

 

Me and my husband had walked through hell in the time leading up to his affair. Every horrific thing that could happen to him happened. Every horrific thing that could happen to us happened. My husband ran away from his pain. Away from his guilt (unearned guilt because none of what happened was his fault) away from his own feelings of helplessness because he couldn't fix any of it. And into the arms of another woman who had never seen him so broken.

 

He needed therapy. He had an affair instead.

blissfullyoblivious Established Member

blissfullyoblivious

Posted
Posted (edited)
To all of the above posters:

 

If someone is telling you all their marital problems, but not taking active steps to fix or end the marriage; if you feel like the glue keeping them together, please consider this:

 

You may be their therapy affair. Your affair may be the diversion from doing the hard and necessary job of finding happiness within or happiness within the marriage: Affair partner as therapist!

 

OW, when a long-term relationship is TRULY over, a man grows completely indifferent towards his wife: He is not complaining or griping or nit-picking. As long as he is critical and somewhat angry, he still CARES about that woman.

 

 

This is a shocking generalisation.

 

When a spouse is done with a relationship it is over. They may leave or not. They may criticise or not. Inside they are done. It is the spouses that know it's over but have nowhere to go that scare me. Sucking up their misery because the alternative is too much of a life change. It is not easy to just up and leave and no one should do so unless it is in their best interests. It is all very well having your dignity but living as a pauper is not a smart trade off.

 

Imagine sitting with your spouse in a decades old marriage knowing that you/they wished that they had left when younger and now it is too late!:mad:

 

My parents have been married for 49 years and going strong despite their constant bickering.:rolleyes:

Edited by blissfullyoblivious
blissfullyoblivious Established Member

blissfullyoblivious

Posted
Posted
So many times, I have listened, over and over again, to my MM complaining about every minor little thing his W does to annoy him, or anger him or insult him and my first thought always is... "then why don't you leave her?", but I never say it out loud. I just listen and keep my mouth shut as I would if it were one of my friends.

 

But I often wonder... by being the person that is filling the void in his life/marriage, am I the glue that's keeping them together??? By being the friend he once had in her make her outbursts and insults tolerable for the sake of the kids??? By being the person he goes to for sex, does that make being in a sexless marriage tolerable???

 

Obviously, NONE of this fills my voids or meets my needs but that's for another thread. I just wonder what some of the WS might say about this?

 

No I am not the glue that holds them together. I am a reminder that you are never too old to fall in love. Giving into that feeling is what MM wants to do and he does. It is his choice and he makes it every day. There is no fog.

East7 Established Member

East7

Posted
Posted

 

He needed therapy. He had an affair instead.

 

That's true in some cases only : when a trauma (such as job loss, loved person's death, aborting a child, depression etc.) has leaded to inner unhappiness.

 

I have heard about men loosing their job or business and slipping into affairs in the darkest times of their lives.

 

But that's not what OP is discussing in the thread. The topic is how the A (paradoxally) make the WS stay in the M. ANd I think the consensus is that : they stay because the A provides them with what they don't have in their M thus making the M more "supportable".

lovingwhatis Established Member

lovingwhatis

Posted
Posted
I don't tell him to leave his wife because I don't want him to think I want him to leave for me! He needs to figure it out on his own. I should be the last person to tell him to leave. Believe me, I tell him how I feel about EVERYTHING else. I just bite my tongue when it comes to issues between them.

 

Frankly, I don't think he will ever leave her! I know that I need to move on. I don't know how but I know I have to.

 

Thanks to all of you for your kind words of wisdom. I really do appreciate them.

 

So you tell him Everything but the one thing which is that you want to be with him.. How you feel about your relationship with him is different from whether he should be with his wife. The second you have absolutely no control over, but the first you do. You may decide that you want to be with him, and if he says "no" that's your answer. But it sounds like you are afraid to ask him that. It would not be an ultimatum, it is your piece of the equation, the one thing you do have a say in.

 

I trust you won't misinterpret my words as an attack.. I am dealing with a situation at work where I am finding it hard to say what I want because it has been one way for a while now. But ultimately, I have realized what I want now, not before, and it is up to me, not my boss to bring this up.

janden Member

janden

Posted
Posted
ANd I think the consensus is that : they stay because the A provides them with what they don't have in their M thus making the M more "supportable".

 

I think that is technically more what I meant to say. I know in my own situation I've been his enabler to tolerate a less-than-perfect situation. I've witnessed the change is behaviour over the past 2.5 years - when we began they were constantly at each others throats. As our A went on, their fighting became less frequent and he actually seemed to want to be home more, rather than less.

 

I still feel that I contribute to somehow "fixing" whatever is broken in their M, whether I'm technically keeping them together as glue or not.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
To all of the above posters:

 

If someone is telling you all their marital problems, but not taking active steps to fix or end the marriage; if you feel like the glue keeping them together, please consider this:

 

You may be their therapy affair. Your affair may be the diversion from doing the hard and necessary job of finding happiness within or happiness within the marriage: Affair partner as therapist!

 

OW, when a long-term relationship is TRULY over, a man grows completely indifferent towards his wife: He is not complaining or griping or nit-picking. As long as he is critical and somewhat angry, he still CARES about that woman.

 

 

This is a shocking generalisation.

 

When a spouse is done with a relationship it is over. They may leave or not. They may criticise or not. Inside they are done. It is the spouses that know it's over but have nowhere to go that scare me. Sucking up their misery because the alternative is too much of a life change. It is not easy to just up and leave and no one should do so unless it is in their best interests. It is all very well having your dignity but living as a pauper is not a smart trade off.

 

Imagine sitting with your spouse in a decades old marriage knowing that you/they wished that they had left when younger and now it is too late!:mad:

 

My parents have been married for 49 years and going strong despite their constant bickering.:rolleyes:

 

It is not my generalization. It is based in psychological research.

 

Constant bickering? They still care about each other, maybe even deeply. That is not one of of the signs of finality.

 

And I would be a pauper rather than stay in a loveless relationship.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
East

 

I don't want to speak for Spark and I sure she will be back to clarify but...

 

A therapy affair is exactly what my husband had. Here is how it went-

 

Me and my husband had walked through hell in the time leading up to his affair. Every horrific thing that could happen to him happened. Every horrific thing that could happen to us happened. My husband ran away from his pain. Away from his guilt (unearned guilt because none of what happened was his fault) away from his own feelings of helplessness because he couldn't fix any of it. And into the arms of another woman who had never seen him so broken.

 

He needed therapy. He had an affair instead.

 

My sitch too!

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
That's true in some cases only : when a trauma (such as job loss, loved person's death, aborting a child, depression etc.) has leaded to inner unhappiness.

 

I have heard about men loosing their job or business and slipping into affairs in the darkest times of their lives.

 

But that's not what OP is discussing in the thread. The topic is how the A (paradoxally) make the WS stay in the M. ANd I think the consensus is that : they stay because the A provides them with what they don't have in their M thus making the M more "supportable".

 

Absolutely also a true scenario for many affairs, I believe.

blissfullyoblivious Established Member

blissfullyoblivious

Posted
Posted

 

It is not my generalization. It is based in psychological research.

 

Constant bickering? They still care about each other, maybe even deeply. That is not one of of the signs of finality.

 

And I would be a pauper rather than stay in a loveless relationship.

 

It is a generalisation. Gender stereotypes really get my goat. Not everone behaves to type.

 

My parents bicker all the time. My father says if it was a prison sentence he would have been paroled already!

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half_ofa_heart Established Member

half_ofa_heart

Posted
  • Author
Posted
So you tell him Everything but the one thing which is that you want to be with him.. How you feel about your relationship with him is different from whether he should be with his wife. The second you have absolutely no control over, but the first you do. You may decide that you want to be with him, and if he says "no" that's your answer. But it sounds like you are afraid to ask him that. It would not be an ultimatum, it is your piece of the equation, the one thing you do have a say in.

 

I trust you won't misinterpret my words as an attack.. I am dealing with a situation at work where I am finding it hard to say what I want because it has been one way for a while now. But ultimately, I have realized what I want now, not before, and it is up to me, not my boss to bring this up.

 

Not taking your words as a personal attack at all! I'm way thicker skinned than that ;)

 

I have told him many times in many different ways that I want nothing more than to be with him and I dream about it. He knows exactly how I feel about him. I will not ask him to leave his wife because I do not want to be the REASON why he leaves her. Personally, I believe the marriage is over but HE has to believe it, not me! He has to be able to walk away from that marriage without me in mind. He needs to do it because he WANTS to do it, not for me. Does that make any sense or am I rambling?

lovingwhatis Established Member

lovingwhatis

Posted
Posted
Not taking your words as a personal attack at all! I'm way thicker skinned than that ;)

 

I have told him many times in many different ways that I want nothing more than to be with him and I dream about it. He knows exactly how I feel about him. I will not ask him to leave his wife because I do not want to be the REASON why he leaves her. Personally, I believe the marriage is over but HE has to believe it, not me! He has to be able to walk away from that marriage without me in mind. He needs to do it because he WANTS to do it, not for me. Does that make any sense or am I rambling?

 

Well, in that case, Half, I don't see how making that distinction is of any help to you.. Regardless of whether you tell him to leave or not, if he does it will have something to do with you, but more importantly, he really is showing you what his wish is at the moment. His current decision has a lot to do with you too, he is disregarding what you want and you are allowing it. I feel it is only semantics about whether you tell him explicitly to leave. He already knows you feel this way..

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted

OW, when a long-term relationship is TRULY over, a man grows completely indifferent towards his wife: He is not complaining or griping or nit-picking. As long as he is critical and somewhat angry, he still CARES about that woman.

 

Don't agree. Feeling bitter or sad or angry at an outcome does not denote romantic love/care.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted

mmmm....yes, it does. Anger or sadness at the outcome is a form of grieving what was once good and happy and fine, or could have been in your mind.

 

The opposite of love is not hate or anger. It is indifference.

 

Indifference is the absence of any feeling, either good or bad.

 

Anger? Sadness? are emotions one attaches to the end of a relationship that one envisioned could have been better, if only......fill-in-the blank.

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half_ofa_heart Established Member

half_ofa_heart

Posted
  • Author
Posted
What you said above about wanting him to leave because the marriage is over and not for you. My thoughts about that......At this point in time if he chooses to leave it will be partly about you. You or him either one can't back up and pretend the affair didn't happen so you are part of the equation and it can't be undone.

Half........I'm not coming down on you by saying the above because there was a time when I used to say the same thing but I see it differently now. Once you fall in love with someone that is married and assuming they love you too, to pretend that they wouldn't be leaving the marriage (partly because of you) is denial and a way to ease guilt (assuming you have some).

 

Hugs!

 

Have a TON of guilt!!!! I have gotten to know his wife (long after the affair had started) and I do like her - like her a lot actually, but that doesn't mean I still don't think their marriage is over. I know he will never leave her just like I know she will never leave him. Wahtever their reasons are, are of no concern to me. I need to be the strong one - for no one but myself - I need to stand on my own two feet and stand up for what is right for me and for all involved. I will not deny that I love him but I also know that I want more and he can't and WON'T ever give me that so I need to move on. If only I could do it with the strength I have right now (2 glasses of wine worth ;) )

 

I REALLY want to thank all of you LS'ers who despite the serious slapping in the face I deserve, take the time to make sure I know that you only mean well and have my best interest in mind. I cannot say it enough - you guys have been my rock in my darkest of days :love: :love:

 

Heart

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
Have a TON of guilt!!!! I have gotten to know his wife (long after the affair had started) and I do like her - like her a lot actually, but that doesn't mean I still don't think their marriage is over. I know he will never leave her just like I know she will never leave him. Wahtever their reasons are, are of no concern to me. I need to be the strong one - for no one but myself - I need to stand on my own two feet and stand up for what is right for me and for all involved. I will not deny that I love him but I also know that I want more and he can't and WON'T ever give me that so I need to move on. If only I could do it with the strength I have right now (2 glasses of wine worth ;) )

I REALLY want to thank all of you LS'ers who despite the serious slapping in the face I deserve, take the time to make sure I know that you only mean well and have my best interest in mind. I cannot say it enough - you guys have been my rock in my darkest of days :love: :love:

 

Heart

 

You are so strong and have grown so much! Now, go enjoy your wine! ;)

 

I'm glad to have helped you, even if some of advice was harsh, it always has come from a good place. :)

IzzyB Established Member

IzzyB

Posted
Posted
To all of the above posters:

 

If someone is telling you all their marital problems, but not taking active steps to fix or end the marriage; if you feel like the glue keeping them together, please consider this:

 

You may be their therapy affair. Your affair may be the diversion from doing the hard and necessary job of finding happiness within or happiness within the marriage: Affair partner as therapist!

 

 

It is what MCs try to observe in couples to see if repair is possible.

OW, when a long-term relationship is TRULY over, a man grows completely indifferent towards his wife: He is not complaining or griping or nit-picking. As long as he is critical and somewhat angry, he still CARES about that woman.

 

OM, a woman, on the otherhand, when she is emotionally done with her marriage, spews contempt when speaking of her husband. He cannot do anything right, and I am not talking minor irritations. You can hear it in her voice. It is unmistakable.

Take heed and protect yourselves accordingly with your APs!

 

Im not sure where you got your information Spark but with all due respect, men who are fed up with their wives, both those who wish to stay and those desparate to get out of the M COMPLAIN AND CRITICIZE. Many individuals, both male and female actually HATE their spouses when they part or they drive them up the wall, and we all know that hate is not far from love in terms of having feelings for the person. Apathy is only acheived when someone has given up all hope and is despondent (not a healthy situation) OR when they have healed their pain and anger and are ready to move on. Also, just because a man is ready to end his marriage (for real) it does not mean that he has no more feelings for his W. You can love your marital partner or care deeply about them simply as the parent of your child or a long time friend, but still feel the need to end the M.

How do i know this? If only those who were apathetic to their wives ended their marriage that would mean that only men who no longer cared or gave a **** about their partner were the ones who went through with divorce. Oh, that and tons of time working with and knowing those going through divorce and those who have gotten divorced. Men and women are really not all that different with how they feel about a troubled marriage but they differ extremely in terms of their coping mechanisms. Women do tend to complain and verbalize their feelings more and while men tend to keep it inside, they do often open up to their lover (as you mentioned, lover as therapist).

 

If the men became apathetic when they were ready to leave, the children of divorced parents would not go through so much grief (ie the parents fighting) and all divorced men would be calm and happy. I dont think so.

carrie999 Established Member

carrie999

Posted
Posted
I think that is technically more what I meant to say. I know in my own situation I've been his enabler to tolerate a less-than-perfect situation. I've witnessed the change is behaviour over the past 2.5 years - when we began they were constantly at each others throats. As our A went on, their fighting became less frequent and he actually seemed to want to be home more, rather than less.

 

I still feel that I contribute to somehow "fixing" whatever is broken in their M, whether I'm technically keeping them together as glue or not.

 

I find this interesting because it illustrates (again) how differently we can serve as the "glue" that holds it together. In my case, the affair started when MM was still being the hopeless romantic that he is...bringing home little gifts at random and saying "happy Wednesday" and listening to her gripe about everything in her life that bothered her while keeping in his own problems so as not to upset her. He was a devoted and loving husband who felt very little for his wife other than love as obligation and duty...and he had no idea how much it was hurting him to be in a technically close but (really) emotionally distant and in many ways one-sided marriage that was that way before he proposed.

 

And technically, I have been divisive in the sense that he can't remember the last time he brought home random gifts, and thinks more of me than he does of her. But my presence in his life gives him what is missing...the passion, the concern for him, the interest in his thoughts and his career, the sense of partnership on more than just the everyday, domestic level, etc. They never fought, and still don't.

 

In your case, you've brought peace to him that brings peace to his home, and as such, he is happy at home. It's the opposite of my situation in many ways, and very different from others described here, but still makes us both the "glue.." Interesting.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
mmmm....yes, it does. Anger or sadness at the outcome is a form of grieving what was once good and happy and fine, or could have been in your mind.

 

The opposite of love is not hate or anger. It is indifference.

 

Indifference is the absence of any feeling, either good or bad.

 

Anger? Sadness? are emotions one attaches to the end of a relationship that one envisioned could have been better, if only......fill-in-the blank.

 

I felt anger and sadness when my previous relationship ended. I felt those things because I'd squandered the chance (possibly) to have more children, I'd been a part-time punchbag and my son had heard ne called things he NEVER should have heard. Those emotions were related to the facts of the relationship, and were NOTHING to do with me having feelings for my then SO.

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