Ever feel like you're the glue that's keeping them together???

[half_ofa_heart]

So many times, I have listened, over and over again, to my MM complaining about every minor little thing his W does to annoy him, or anger him or insult him and my first thought always is... "then why don't you leave her?", but I never say it out loud. I just listen and keep my mouth shut as I would if it were one of my friends.

 

But I often wonder... by being the person that is filling the void in his life/marriage, am I the glue that's keeping them together??? By being the friend he once had in her make her outbursts and insults tolerable for the sake of the kids??? By being the person he goes to for sex, does that make being in a sexless marriage tolerable???

 

Obviously, NONE of this fills my voids or meets my needs but that's for another thread. I just wonder what some of the WS might say about this?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Been on both sides: from the WS side, to an extent it does act like a 'glue'. All of the things that irritate you about your SO become soft focused and not so bad when you have someone on the outside who fulfills the 'extra' that you need or want that you feel like you aren't getting. You get to enjoy the parts of your SO that don't irritate you more.

 

Now, that said - it isn't the case for everyone. If you are with someone who had no intention of leaving before you came along, it is likely to be like the above. That is why you see MM/MW going on vacations with their spouses, doing things together as a couple, etc. They will bitch you to about them as a way of letting off steam and reassuring you but that doesn't mean they want to leave their spouse. They just needed an outlet.

 

If you are with someone who truly wants out and did before you came along, or their spouse is simply being overbearing or abusive - then involvement with an OP will simply magnify what they don't like about the spouse and things will spiral down and be even more miserable because they'd rather be with you.

 

The 'why don't you leave' will work either for or against you depending on which type you are with as well. The otherwise contentedly married person probably won't come out and say "I won't leave because I don't want to" - or maybe they will. The unhappily married person will probably tell you that he is trapped by finances, or some other things. Depends on how honest they are with themselves.

 

I guess it depends on which sort of married person you are with.

[half_ofa_heart]

 

The 'why don't you leave' will work either for or against you depending on which type you are with as well. The otherwise contentedly married person probably won't come out and say "I won't leave because I don't want to" - or maybe they will. The unhappily married person will probably tell you that he is trapped by finances, or some other things. Depends on how honest they are with themselves.

 

I guess it depends on which sort of married person you are with.

 

I honestly don't know which kind of married person I am with. I believe he is the UNHAPPILY but trapped by finances and very small child but that's what he tells me. Only he knows what is the truth.

 

He is always telling me that when he is at home, he is constantly thinking about how he wishes he could be with me. Makes up reasons to go to the store or anywhere besides home just to call me. But there are times where I don't hear from him and I always know it's because they must be getting along. I make his miserable time tolerable and he forgets I exist when things are good.

 

For as much as he tells me she does... I honestly would go crazy - but that's just me. I have been unhappily married and when you're in it, you think that being alone is worse and it's only until I left that I realized how WONDERFUL it was to not feel like my future was full of doom and gloom. But until you realize this for yourself, no one can convince you of it.

[bentnotbroken]

I honestly don't know which kind of married person I am with. I believe he is the UNHAPPILY but trapped by finances and very small child but that's what he tells me. Only he knows what is the truth.

 

He is always telling me that when he is at home, he is constantly thinking about how he wishes he could be with me. Makes up reasons to go to the store or anywhere besides home just to call me. But there are times where I don't hear from him and I always know it's because they must be getting along. I make his miserable time tolerable and he forgets I exist when things are good.

 

For as much as he tells me she does... I honestly would go crazy - but that's just me. I have been unhappily married and when you're in it, you think that being alone is worse and it's only until I left that I realized how WONDERFUL it was to not feel like my future was full of doom and gloom. But until you realize this for yourself, no one can convince you of it.

 

 

Trapped by a child.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have been unhappily married and when you're in it, you think that being alone is worse and it's only until I left that I realized how WONDERFUL it was to not feel like my future was full of doom and gloom. But until you realize this for yourself, no one can convince you of it.

 

I know that's right! I guess until you realize that being 'free' isn't impossible - it is a matter of the 'devil you know' being preferable to 'the devil you don't'.

 

Sorry to hear your guy is miserable, but I can understand the not wanting to leave the child bit, and feeling trapped. He may be afraid of alimony, child support, some other man replacing him as 'dad', stuff like that. Plus there may be things he still likes about his wife, even if his marriage is not good. Things tend to be stacked more against a man who leaves financially unless his wife was the primary breadwinner.

 

You may well be one of the few bright spots he has right now. A life support rather than his life.

 

You'll want to decide if that is enough for you - are you happy being life support or do you want 'life' with him?

[desertIslandCactus]

So many times, I have listened, over and over again, to my MM complaining about every minor little thing his W does to annoy him, or anger him or insult him and my first thought always is... "then why don't you leave her?", but I never say it out loud. I just listen and keep my mouth shut as I would if it were one of my friends.

 

But I often wonder... by being the person that is filling the void in his life/marriage, am I the glue that's keeping them together??? By being the friend he once had in her make her outbursts and insults tolerable for the sake of the kids??? By being the person he goes to for sex, does that make being in a sexless marriage tolerable???

 

Obviously, NONE of this fills my voids or meets my needs but that's for another thread. I just wonder what some of the WS might say about this?

 

I've felt that the OW is the mastic or putty for the MM's marriage, especially when he has not intention of leaving his marriage. The OW becomes the enhancement to his life.

[carrie999]

I have to be careful to avoid T/Jing here, because I feel exactly the same way but for slightly different reasons. I am also friendly with his wife, and they're in a dead marriage. They grew up with a group of college friends that they've grown apart from as they all got married and started families, but show up for the planned events and parties. They were the first of their friends to get married, but clearly aren't fulfilled (now for more obvious reasons on MM's part), and are stuck in their own limbo where they have a secure household by appearance, but cannot move forward in their marriage.

 

Long before I became the OW, I enabled them not to look at the void in their marriage by hanging out with them most weekends...we all had fun, so they didn't have a chance to see how bored they were together because...well, life was fun...we spent (and still spend) so much time hitting the slopes or the beach or having parties that the problem is more obvious to him and less so to her. In the little bit of time they are alone, she welcomes the chance to just relax at home with him. In that same time, he feels like he may as well be alone, and misses me. In that sense, I'm dividing them...but also preventing them from reaching an end in which they are TOGETHER forced to see what their own marriage really is now. If I removed myself from the situation, she would see that something is missing between them. He already does.

 

If anyone watched Scrubs, it's exactly the situation that forced J.D. to move out when Turk & Carla were married but unhappy, with the obvious difference that it was purely friendship and NOT an affair that was the issue there. J.D. was the roommate and close friend to both parties, and they realized when they forced him to move out that they were not happy alone together. J.D. was the glue in their relationship, and without him, they both felt like something was seriously lacking.

 

While my response so far has gone more into my situation than I wanted to bring into your thread, half, I just wanted to illustrate another way that an OP (AP or not) can become the "glue" that holds them together. In too many cases, a child becomes that OP...people often have children to fill a void between them. It sounds like this may very well be the case for your MM.

 

With or without an OP (child, friend who is secretly also an AP, family member both focus on caring for, etc.), I think that the AP also plays the "glue" role for the cheating spouse, particularly for a cheating husband. Women tend to have friends who are interested in hearing about the relationship, whereas men are more likely to have only *you* to confide in, unless they are the rare type that open up to other friends or their sisters or someone. So you as the AP take on the role of the sister/girlfriend/counselor...and you are invested in him on a deeper level, so you *really* listen to him and perpetuate that cycle of alternately being the impetus to leave and the one who allows him to vent and unburden himself enough to stick with his wife.

 

Sorry for the long response, but I think (even if you delete the part of my response that focuses to much on my own situation) that you make an excellent point that is worthy of plenty more discussion.

[desertIslandCactus]

I have to be careful to avoid T/Jing here, because I feel exactly the same way but for slightly different reasons. I am also friendly with his wife, and they're in a dead marriage. They grew up with a group of college friends that they've grown apart from as they all got married and started families, but show up for the planned events and parties. They were the first of their friends to get married, but clearly aren't fulfilled (now for more obvious reasons on MM's part), and are stuck in their own limbo where they have a secure household by appearance, but cannot move forward in their marriage.

 

Long before I became the OW, I enabled them not to look at the void in their marriage by hanging out with them most weekends...we all had fun, so they didn't have a chance to see how bored they were together because...well, life was fun...we spent (and still spend) so much time hitting the slopes or the beach or having parties that the problem is more obvious to him and less so to her. In the little bit of time they are alone, she welcomes the chance to just relax at home with him. In that same time, he feels like he may as well be alone, and misses me. In that sense, I'm dividing them...but also preventing them from reaching an end in which they are TOGETHER forced to see what their own marriage really is now. If I removed myself from the situation, she would see that something is missing between them. He already does.

 

If anyone watched Scrubs, it's exactly the situation that forced J.D. to move out when Turk & Carla were married but unhappy, with the obvious difference that it was purely friendship and NOT an affair that was the issue there. J.D. was the roommate and close friend to both parties, and they realized when they forced him to move out that they were not happy alone together. J.D. was the glue in their relationship, and without him, they both felt like something was seriously lacking.

 

While my response so far has gone more into my situation than I wanted to bring into your thread, half, I just wanted to illustrate another way that an OP (AP or not) can become the "glue" that holds them together. In too many cases, a child becomes that OP...people often have children to fill a void between them. It sounds like this may very well be the case for your MM.

 

With or without an OP (child, friend who is secretly also an AP, family member both focus on caring for, etc.), I think that the AP also plays the "glue" role for the cheating spouse, particularly for a cheating husband. Women tend to have friends who are interested in hearing about the relationship, whereas men are more likely to have only *you* to confide in, unless they are the rare type that open up to other friends or their sisters or someone. So you as the AP take on the role of the sister/girlfriend/counselor...and you are invested in him on a deeper level, so you *really* listen to him and perpetuate that cycle of alternately being the impetus to leave and the one who allows him to vent and unburden himself enough to stick with his wife.

 

Sorry for the long response, but I think (even if you delete the part of my response that focuses to much on my own situation) that you make an excellent point that is worthy of plenty more discussion.

 

Not all have perfect marriages .. And many will admit that a M can take diligence at times.

 

Whether a M has problems or not, the OW will look for and grasp onto vulnerabilities in the M between the MM and his W. It's part of what gives her encouragement and to feel like the rescuer as well.

[20Seconds]

Another OW here and yes that is exactly how I felt. MM did not spend much time talking about his M or his BW and tbh I wouldn;t have been happy if he had, but the bits & bobs he told me were enough to make me believe that was exactly how it was for him.

 

I read somewhere these are referred to as "three-legged stool" affairs. The OP keeps the whole thing balanced. Take the third leg (OP) away and the stool falls over.

[Silly_Girl]

Another OW here and yes that is exactly how I felt. MM did not spend much time talking about his M or his BW and tbh I wouldn;t have been happy if he had, but the bits & bobs he told me were enough to make me believe that was exactly how it was for him.

 

I read somewhere these are referred to as "three-legged stool" affairs. The OP keeps the whole thing balanced. Take the third leg (OP) away and the stool falls over.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly!!

[20Seconds]

By being the person he goes to for sex, does that make being in a sexless marriage tolerable???

 

 

I would say so

[half_ofa_heart]

I wonder if this is why when I try to end it... He never ever ever lets me go. He will stop at just about nothing to get me back in his life. I know I sound pathetic. I used to believe he truly loved me; now I think he loves what I provide... that third leg of the stool so to speak. (great analogy by the way). Thanks so much for your input. I would love to hear from more OW who feel or have felt that they are the 3rd leg.

[Jessica232]

So many times, I have listened, over and over again, to my MM complaining about every minor little thing his W does to annoy him, or anger him or insult him and my first thought always is... "then why don't you leave her?", but I never say it out loud. I just listen and keep my mouth shut as I would if it were one of my friends.

 

But I often wonder... by being the person that is filling the void in his life/marriage, am I the glue that's keeping them together??? By being the friend he once had in her make her outbursts and insults tolerable for the sake of the kids??? By being the person he goes to for sex, does that make being in a sexless marriage tolerable???

 

Obviously, NONE of this fills my voids or meets my needs but that's for another thread. I just wonder what some of the WS might say about this?

 

 

This is exactly what my therapist says happens.

[spice4life]

MM did not spend much time talking about his M or his BW and tbh I wouldn;t have been happy if he had...

 

This is precisely how I felt during mine...he didn't talk about his M and I definitely would not have liked it if he had. I didn't want to know about anything, trips, parties...not-a-thing. I knew it was nothing more than an A, but the only thing that allowed me to stay comfortable was not knowing what they were up to. Not really proud to admit that, but it was the way I felt.

[TurboGirl]

I wonder if this is why when I try to end it... He never ever ever lets me go. He will stop at just about nothing to get me back in his life. I know I sound pathetic. I used to believe he truly loved me; now I think he loves what I provide... that third leg of the stool so to speak. (great analogy by the way). Thanks so much for your input. I would love to hear from more OW who feel or have felt that they are the 3rd leg.

 

Been there... not now, some time ago... I couldn't understand... how a child could make you stay (and that is BS by the way!) . Loving what you provide is exactly correct... you are the sexy lovely one, the vacation girl, the one who never tells him to take out the trash or asks him to pick up his socks. He feels on top of the world when with you, possibly for many reasons. Some guys get off on getting away with a lie to W. You are all accepting... and when he is tired of being in hero mode, he can go back home to be husband/Dad.

 

For whatever reason you are there at this moment, and you have to look inside & see why. Easy for you in a way... great sex, no commitment, you have your weekends free! Eventually you will tire, you will be fed up, and end it once and for all.... or do as I did .... kept him around (cried ALOT) and forced myself to start dating single men. When I started dating single men, didn't hide it from him... the MM got totally pissed with me, and told me to stop or else we were through! LOL He didn't trust ME and trust that I wouldnt sleep around on him. Laughable.

[half_ofa_heart]

Been there... not now, some time ago... I couldn't understand... how a child could make you stay (and that is BS by the way!) . Loving what you provide is exactly correct... you are the sexy lovely one, the vacation girl, the one who never tells him to take out the trash or asks him to pick up his socks. He feels on top of the world when with you, possibly for many reasons. Some guys get off on getting away with a lie to W. You are all accepting... and when he is tired of being in hero mode, he can go back home to be husband/Dad.

 

For whatever reason you are there at this moment, and you have to look inside & see why. Easy for you in a way... great sex, no commitment, you have your weekends free! Eventually you will tire, you will be fed up, and end it once and for all.... or do as I did .... kept him around (cried ALOT) and forced myself to start dating single men. When I started dating single men, didn't hide it from him... the MM got totally pissed with me, and told me to stop or else we were through! LOL He didn't trust ME and trust that I wouldnt sleep around on him. Laughable.

 

OMG!!!! Turbogirl... you must be in my brain or watching me or something. All of a sudden, this SG is interested in me. He's nice and pretty good looking but I'm having such a hard time being open to this "new" relationship. I feel like I'd be cheating on my MM!!! I know, super ridiculous right??? I just cannot help it.

 

New guy is coming on a bit too strong or is it just my imagination telling me I shouldn't move on??? Plus, MM knows nothing about this new guy for a few reasons... 1) I don't want him to try and mess with my head when and if I decide to go out with him. 2) I'm not even sure this is the right guy for me and if not, this could all backfire in my face!!!

 

What do I do LS'ers??? Help me????

[myname]

I wonder if this is why when I try to end it... He never ever ever lets me go. He will stop at just about nothing to get me back in his life. I know I sound pathetic. I used to believe he truly loved me; now I think he loves what I provide... that third leg of the stool so to speak. (great analogy by the way). Thanks so much for your input. I would love to hear from more OW who feel or have felt that they are the 3rd leg.

 

I really felt like I was the prop that was holding their marriage together by the end, it was like any problems he had with her he would come to me, so he had me to share his feelings with, the ones he wouldn't share with her, and he would always listen to all her feelings about their relationship with acceptance and understanding cos of his guilt at what he was doing behind her back and because he always knew he had me to vent at about it all later. Me, I just got worn down, felt like the third leg that was slowly being pushed further down all the time, without any of the support I was giving being reciprocated.

 

Same thing as you, all the times I've tried to finish it, and he keeps contacting me, keeps trying to keep me there for him without offering any of the things I really wanted.

[spice4life]

myname said, "all the times I've tried to finish it, and he keeps contacting me, keeps trying to keep me there for him without offering any of the things I really wanted."

 

This says it all. If a person truly cares about you then they will let you go if they have no intention of offering anything to you. And even if you agree it is only an A, and tell them what you need to stay involved, and they don't accommodate your request, they truly DO NOT care about you...at all. Period.

 

But, then it's up to you to re-access your situation and decide whether or not it is worth the emotional backlash that happens when involved in these situations. Is it worth it to be thrown for a loop after you've made specific requests? Requests that do not take much of an effort to fulfill?

 

But, then again, it's an A so what else can you expect? Right? It's up to you as a person to say, "It's not worth the upset." Once you do that, you have taken your own personal power back and have the ability to tell someone to "take a hike" if they can't accommodate even the simplest of requests.

 

Be true to you and don't settle for less than what you want...no matter what the circumstances are. Even if it is only an A.

Edited March 3, 2011 by spice4life

[spice4life]

myname said, "all the times I've tried to finish it, and he keeps contacting me, keeps trying to keep me there for him without offering any of the things I really wanted."

 

This says it all. If a person truly cares about you then they will let you go if they have no intention of offering anything to you. And even if you agree it is only an A, and tell them what you need to stay involved, and they don't accommodate your request, they truly DO NOT care about you...at all. Period.

 

But, then it's up to you to re-access your situation and decide whether or not it is worth the emotional backlash that happens when involved in these situations. Is it worth it to be thrown for a loop after you've made specific requests? Requests that do not take much of an effort to fulfill?

 

But, then again, it's an A so what else can you expect? Right? It's up to you as a person to say, "It's not worth the upset." Once you do that, you have taken your own personal power back and have the ability to tell someone to "take a hike" if they can't accommodate even the simplest of requests.

 

Be true to you and don't settle for less than what you want...no matter what the circumstances are. Even if it is only an A.

 

Adding one more thing. If YOU choose to stay involved knowing it is only an A and he ain't DOING ANYTHING to make you feel appreciated, not even sending a flower or something similar, then why stay involved at all. Why allow someone to reduce you to nothing more than a piece of tail or emotional crutch so they can get through their own life situation?....whatever it is. It is not worth the emotional upheaval it causes you when they carelessly disrespect you as a person. Something to think about. If you can't even tell them how you feel when you give them a part of you then it is definitely time to re-access.

[lovingwhatis]

Half, girl, why do this to yourself?

So you are basically his therapist too.. He does it because he sees he can. The boundaries we fail to set and the ones we fail to enforce are our responsibility. My dad used to push my mom's boundaries, and mine too. She still doesn't enforce hers even though they are divorced. She has a hard time saying no to people's requests. I learned to be a lot more strict, and now he has learned to respect my boundaries. We get along much better.

 

Do you have a pattern of not speaking up for yourself? if yes, start in other areas, it really helps. Certain things we have assumed we are not worthy of, so that's why we dont ask for them. could it be that your guilt is preventing you from really expressing your feelings? Staying in a relationship no matter what it is beyond the point where your gut tells you its ok is damaging.

[spice4life]

I wonder what might happen if you expressed your thoughts to him?

 

I'm sorry, I just wonder why so many intelligent women ask questions that have no relevance to their lives. Who cares what he thinks? How do you feel?

 

This is so true. If you can't express how you feel with someone you are sleeping with then it's time to ask yourself...why? Who cares if he can't deal. If he can't then he shouldn't be involved with you in the first place. Don't bend yourself to fit what he needs...only bend yourself to fit what you need. If you don't then you will always end up being bent into very uncomfortable situations. He is a big boy...he can handle his life choices whether you are there or not.

[half_ofa_heart]

I wonder what might happen if you expressed your thoughts to him?

 

I'm sorry, I just wonder why so many intelligent women ask questions that have no relevance to their lives. Who cares what he thinks? How do you feel?

 

 

I don't tell him to leave his wife because I don't want him to think I want him to leave for me! He needs to figure it out on his own. I should be the last person to tell him to leave. Believe me, I tell him how I feel about EVERYTHING else. I just bite my tongue when it comes to issues between them.

 

Frankly, I don't think he will ever leave her! I know that I need to move on. I don't know how but I know I have to.

 

Thanks to all of you for your kind words of wisdom. I really do appreciate them.

[janden]

But I often wonder... by being the person that is filling the void in his life/marriage, am I the glue that's keeping them together??? By being the friend he once had in her make her outbursts and insults tolerable for the sake of the kids??? By being the person he goes to for sex, does that make being in a sexless marriage tolerable???

 

Not a WS, but another OW who feels exactly the same. I'm actually a "serial ender", meaning someone who has tried to end repeatedly and failed.

 

My last attempt 3 weeks ago was for this very reason - not wanting to be this glue anymore. He actually was honest that he couldn't offer me any more and seemed to agree this time to let it go.

 

Now 3 weeks later he leaves a message sounding like a lost puppy dog because I'm guessing without the "glue" his M isn't holding up so well.

 

While we as the AP recognize this behaviour, I doubt many of the WS would admit they are using someone as glue for their M, mostly because few of them actually ADMIT to anything or even really THINK what their actions both within the confines of their M or outside of it really mean to anyone - even themselves. They are only thinking of the immediate moment at hand - they don't think long term as to what their actions will mean - mine even admitted that at one point. If they actually admitted they were using us as glue, they would actually have to admit they have thought about the issues in their M and maybe actually DO something about it. Most of them are too cowardly, too self-centered, and too much of a conflict avoider to do that.

 

The REAL issue at hand is if we choose to continue to be that glue.....

[East7]

I haven't read all the thread but it's difficult to say an AP is making the M survive (glue).

 

The thing is when affairs last, the WS enters a "comfort zone" (if they aren't caught) where they can have the best of both worlds, so why change that ? If they can have the BS, family and an extra partner, they have it all.

 

Another factor when A last, is that the WSs get so used with the A that the guilt lessens and it becomes like a "normal" situation to have two women, or 2 men. The only event that can break this is a dday.

 

Also the WS get their needs met in two different relationships : some needs (security, comfort, status etc) are met with the BS, and others (passion, sex etc) are met with the AP. The only way to make a wake up call is to stop the supply, to end the affair and let them face the reality of the marriage where their emotional needs aren't met.

 

Nevertheless, dumping a WS is not a miracle solution. Some will face their marriage and realize that they are better out but it takes a lot of time, even years to divorce. Some other WS (see my thread 'WS denial') reprogram their brain (to say so..) to convince themselves that they love their spouse and they artificially feed the love they have lost long ago. In psychology it is called cognitive dissonance which basically means they reprogram their mind to love their spouse in order to resolve their inner conflict between longing for the AP and wanting to stay married - I use the term 'reprogram' because if they are naturally in love with their spouse they wouldn't be involved in an A.

[Spark1111]

To all of the above posters:

 

If someone is telling you all their marital problems, but not taking active steps to fix or end the marriage; if you feel like the glue keeping them together, please consider this:

 

You may be their therapy affair. Your affair may be the diversion from doing the hard and necessary job of finding happiness within or happiness within the marriage: Affair partner as therapist!

 

OW, when a long-term relationship is TRULY over, a man grows completely indifferent towards his wife: He is not complaining or griping or nit-picking. As long as he is critical and somewhat angry, he still CARES about that woman.

 

OM, a woman, on the otherhand, when she is emotionally done with her marriage, spews contempt when speaking of her husband. He cannot do anything right, and I am not talking minor irritations. You can hear it in her voice. It is unmistakable.

 

It is what MCs try to observe in couples to see if repair is possible.

Take heed and protect yourselves accordingly with your APs!