stallion1987 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) Well just recently my girlfriend broke up with me after 10 months. And I do not know why this has happened and what to do next. We met at the end of college and immediately fell for each other. Well we graduated and decided to continue the relationship after we went to our respective home towns. We live two hours apart. At the beginning of the relationship, we seen each other a lot. It was great too, we did all kinds of stuff together and really loved each other. But then we both got jobs and only seen each other on the weekends. We could talk about anything and be comfortable about it. She has been in more relationships that me but she said she has never met anyone like me and this is the best relationship she has ever been in. From talking to her, her past relationships were not very good (verbal abuse, being cheated on). So everything is going good up until about a month or so ago. She started acting different towards me. She seemed like something was bothering her or that she was bothered by me talking to her. This would happen while we are apart (through texts, phone calls, etc.) but when we got together everything seemed great. She loved our time together and would feel good about it for awhile. Then we wouldn't see each other for a week or so and she would revert back to that same behavior. Well eventually I had to ask her what was bothering her and she spilled her guts that she didn't feel like we used to. That she doesn't think our relationship is where it should be at 10 months. She said that she feels herself being mean towards me and resenting me for no reason. She says that something is different but she cant explain what that is. So after some lengthy phone conversations and text messages she has told me that she has had this feeling for the month or so. I did notice some difference in her behavior but only when we are apart. Also, she broke up with me over the phone but said she didn't want to. She was keeping this stuff inside and couldnt take it any longer. She said that she would feel good when together because I was so great but then fight herself about it. She also said that she loves me and that I am the greatest guy she has ever been around but cant keep doing this because she thinks she will hurt me. She said that spark we had before isn't there and does not think that will change. She has said that she does feel it when together and then it does away again. I have tried suggesting working on our relationship to try to make it work. I tell her that we had nine great months together and that we should work to get back to that point. But she refuses to hear me. I bring up the tremendous times we had and she just wont listen to me. I even suggested taking a break but she wouldn't have it. So now I don't know what to do. Give her space, even though she didn't ask for it or do I continue to talk to her about this. Some other points about our relationship: We hadn't had sex since January because of the circumstances of the distance (not a choice). The sex is always great and passionate. She has even told me that she loves that passionate feeling. I feel like she is missing that intimacy and that is affecting her feelings about us and our relationship. She wears her emotions on her sleeve and I can always tell when something is wrong. Example:Two days before we broke up, she calls me six times that day just to chat. I can tell she is happy, she is cheerful and wants to talk, even if its just minor mundane things about what we are doing. So I feel good about our relationship on this day. Fast forward to the next day and she acts moody towards me as soon as she wakes up. She is distant and I can tell she is feeling that resentment towards me again. This is caused by no fault of my own (and she even told me this, she does not know why it happens) So, in conclusion I try to ask her about all of those good times, about a few days ago when she loves to talk to me. I try to tell her that something is definitely different and that we should try to fix it but she refuses (and I know logic doesn't work in these situations). So now I am stuck and conflicted as to what to do. I have told my friends all this and some suggest just giving her some space because they believe that she will come around and realize that this is a mistake. While others say I should keep talking to her in order to keep myself in her life and thinking about me. I need some advice....is it the distance that is killing us? What should be my next course of action? Edited February 28, 2011 by stallion1987
creighton0123 Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 "I need some advice....is it the distance that is killing us? What should be my next course of action?" It could be the distance. It might not be the distance. Her attitudes and how you described the break-up sounds like a relationship that has ended either successfully or unsuccessfully. What can you do? You recognize that she holds some unknown (even unknown to her) resentment towards you or is simply bipolar in the way she treats you (on and off, on and off, on and off)... She's not happy in the relationship and, to be honest with you, when that happens there almost always isn't a reason.... there's more to relationships than just having fun and having good sex (we are mammals, after all). I'll say what you don't want to here: You're young. Appreciate the great 9 months you two had and move on. I like to think that having good relationships that ended successfully in the past make for fond memories in the future.
Author stallion1987 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Posted March 1, 2011 Thanks for the advice. I really want to believe that she will come around eventually. I think the fact that she had never been in a good relationship with anyone helps in this regard. But at the same time, if she does not have feelings for me anymore, I have to let her go. I still go back and forth as to whether I should contact her right now or wait awhile. I know this break up is bothering her, but I don't know if it is bothering her because she misses me or because she knows she has hurt me.
folieadeux Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 You have a minimal distance between you, so it doesn't sound like being a few hours away would be enough for her to break things off. I think there's something else going on here. Give her the space she needs and move on with your life. If she comes around in the future with a different set of circumstances, maybe you can reconsider. But in the meantime, definitely don't put your life on hold.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 some people who are so used being cheated on, having abusive relationships feel antsy when the new relationship is going smoothly. this is why she cannot point out what's wrong in the relationship but still resents you. a person needs to be happy first with himself before he can share himself/his love to others. this is why some people are not so good with LDR, they constantly need someone to be there for them. considering you only live 2 hours apart compared to some of us here, she should feel more secured in your relationship (noting the frequency of your meetings as well).
CycleOfLove Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 some people who are so used being cheated on, having abusive relationships feel antsy when the new relationship is going smoothly. this is why she cannot point out what's wrong in the relationship but still resents you. a person needs to be happy first with himself before he can share himself/his love to others. this is why some people are not so good with LDR, they constantly need someone to be there for them. considering you only live 2 hours apart compared to some of us here, she should feel more secured in your relationship (noting the frequency of your meetings as well). i couldnt agree anymore, Tokyo explained it really well ! i've been in a long distance for almost 2 years now, i get mood swings everyday and on bad days it can change every couple of hours. sometimes id be so happy and loving towards my so, and when i feel crappy i`ll be mad and distant and feel like ending my relationship. i suffer from ocd & rocd. its a whole diff story, but it sounds to me like she has some stress& shes keeping it inside and never talks about it just like i always do, and when i cant take it anymore id just snap and get SO emotional. its hard being in a long distance relationship.. . you might want to sit down with her and ask EXACTLY what is bothering her.
Author stallion1987 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Posted March 1, 2011 Thanks to everyone for posting. So far I haven't contacted her in three days nor has she tried to contact me. I really do not know what she is thinking right now but I would have to believe that she is thinking about this a lot. She still hasn't changed our relationship status on facebook (not looking much into this, its only been 5 days). I think I am going to continue with the no contact for now. I know it will make myself feel better in the long run if things do not work out. I do still believe that I want to be with her but Im willing to give her some space and let her decide if this is really what she wants to do.
Hlep Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Wow man, that sounds exactly the type of behavior my ex had right before breaking up with me. You also sound like you're at roughly a similar stage of life as myself. I did see the signs for a little while, but I overlooked them with my rose colored glasses. We had a similar relationship to what you describe. Met during an internship away from our seperate home towns, and then it turned long distance afterwards. It's impossible to get through to them during those crazy mood swings. I really feel for you, and understand what you're going through. Hang in there brother!
Author stallion1987 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Thanks. Yea it isn't easy with all of these thoughts goin through my head. I have my ups and downs. Sometimes I think that there is no way she would want to get back together and other times I feel like maybe this is for the best. But right now nothing has changed about our situation. No contact from either side and facebook is unchanged still. So I wait it out.
Author stallion1987 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 UPDATE - Well I was doing just fine until she changes her relationship status on facebook and then sends me a message. The change in status was fine, we broke up a week ago and it was only a matter of time. That part didn't bother me. It was the message that she sent me that is really irking me. MESSAGE - I'm so sorry the facebook stuff is so stupid. I hope you're doing well. I'm always here for you. I was doing just fine with the no contact and then she says this. Its almost as if this is bothering her more that it is me. I don't know what she wants out of me. A friendship or something? I am really bothered right now
HeavenOrHell Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I've never agreed with the idea a person has to be happy with him/herself first before /she can share their love with someone else, me and my ex loved each other deeply for 18 years and neither of us had much self esteem, I was capable of giving so much love, and he was to me too. It's true that some people aren't suited to LDR's as they constantly need someone there, but like you said; seeing each other weekly should make her feel secure, that's pretty frequent and do-able compared to most LDR's. some people who are so used being cheated on, having abusive relationships feel antsy when the new relationship is going smoothly. this is why she cannot point out what's wrong in the relationship but still resents you. a person needs to be happy first with himself before he can share himself/his love to others. this is why some people are not so good with LDR, they constantly need someone to be there for them. considering you only live 2 hours apart compared to some of us here, she should feel more secured in your relationship (noting the frequency of your meetings as well).
creighton0123 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 UPDATE - Well I was doing just fine until she changes her relationship status on facebook and then sends me a message. The change in status was fine, we broke up a week ago and it was only a matter of time. That part didn't bother me. It was the message that she sent me that is really irking me. MESSAGE - I'm so sorry the facebook stuff is so stupid. I hope you're doing well. I'm always here for you. I was doing just fine with the no contact and then she says this. Its almost as if this is bothering her more that it is me. I don't know what she wants out of me. A friendship or something? I am really bothered right now Yeah. You'll be bothered for some time until a point in time when you are not bothered as much.
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