Rose T Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I was doing pretty well. I haven't seen him for three months, since December 4th, the day I asked him to move out my apartment after I discovered his cheating. There was very LC to start with in which he let me know he was dating the OW (she's a colleague at the new job he started in September 2010) and I did my best to move on. After Christmas, his messages changed... he told me he knew he'd made a mistake, but felt stuck and didn't know how to get out of the mess. I felt he was still attached to the OW but maybe coming out of the affair fog. Still, I told him not to contact me again as it seemed hopeless, as he's just started his dream job and works in close contact with the OW. Recently he wrote me an email saying he wanted to talk but I ignored him. This morning he wrote to me - he's overseas for work and thinking about me, thinking about us. He said he should have fought for us rather than running into an affair and now wants to share his life with me. This could also be in a different city or even country. He then asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink when he gets back. I actually asked if he wanted to drop round but he said he'd prefer a meeting out in town (so I think he has conversation rather than a hook up in mind). I know he'll still be working with the OW when he gets back from his trip next week which is clearly a huge issue. But I'm intrigued, still invested, and still have very strong feelings for this man although I've been doing some work on my "boundaries"... I actually wonder if I can contemplate a meet-up with such coolness because I've healed so much in the past three months and because I'm actually moving on, on some level. I know I'm going to hear some tough love on here, but what I suppose I really want to know is, would I ever be able to love him like I loved him before? If we tried again, would I always feel slightly sad inside, like I settled for second best? I'm not even going to worry about his perspective because one thing I've learned in the break-up, is that I have to consider my happiness and fulfillment first, at least for now. I wouldn't normally be so egotistical in the context of a relationship but I lost myself a little with this man in the past, and if we try again, it would have to be different. I really thought I was so over him. I'm not, but I'm so proud of the steps I've taken in the past three months, being alone, getting on with things... I'm proud of the person I've become, and I think I want to show him that person. It's not just the years we had together, he's a very capable and clever man, very supportive and loving at his best, and if I walked into a room, he'd still be the first person I'd want to talk to. Once upon a time he made me feel so loved and cherished. Am I fooling myself that things could ever be good again? One thing... I feel like I've walked through fire, been to hell and back in the past three months... and still grown. what has he suffered or endured? Does it matter?
proactivedreamer Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Well, You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, so as long as you have weighed out the potential risks of having to possibly endure another round of heartache, I'd say go for it. People make mistakes, and if you think he a good man at heart then give it another go. I would advise to take it slow and really stay in tune with your feelings. It will be hard to trust him again and you might have some lingering resent from how he left you. Cheating is a big deal but sometimes it brings people closer together and allows them to look at the relationship and what led to that person going astray. I think you, both, will have a great deal of work in terms of working on trust but I think that you if you still really love him then you should give him another chance.
proactivedreamer Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I am not sure that he didn't suffer, but I know that he didn't suffer the way you did. He,after all, left you for someone else, and you discarded like yesterday's news. I don't want to say don't go because I am a strong advocate for standing by someone even in their weakest moments. He had a weak moment and he didn't consider your well being...he was just thinking about himself-that happens. What matters is how you will feel about it if you give it another chance. Will YOU be ok? How will you work through all of those different emotions? How will those feelings affect the relationship as you forge ahead, perhaps, in another country? Also, he is still working with the OW, so I would caution to reaaaallly take it slow, he could be all confused about both of you. I think you have to go in this protecting your heart and being very objective. After all, is it worth enduring another painful let down? That's my 2 cents...
Author Rose T Posted March 1, 2011 Author Posted March 1, 2011 Hey proactivedreamer, thanks for both your answers - the positive and the negative one! I started this thread yesterday and by the evening I could feel a shadow following me round the house - I was worrying about my ex, worrying about where he was, his trip, his return. It felt like a burden and I felt very confused. That old, vulnerable feeling. Then I woke up this morning with the thought in my head: 'of course you can't get back together'. I've been back and forth all day but I know EXACTLY what advice I'd be giving if this was someone else's thread. Even if he hadn't cheated and had just broken up with me, or flaked out for a while, it still wouldn't be ok. As it is, he did the worst thing you can do to a partner. But I don't want to get into victim mode. I miss the girl I was with him, before all this happened, but I have to feel adored, safe and able to be independent in the future. The past is gone. I know why people go back. I know why the second chances forum is full of dreamers trying to get their exes back. We think we'll never meet anyone like them - because we won't. No two relationships are the same, but that's what life is. Is this my last chance at love? I can't believe that. I'm making no decisions tonight. I'm still single and I'm going to see what happens over the next couple of weeks. Then I guess I'll decide whether to meet up or not.
proactivedreamer Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Sounds like you have it figured out. Yeah I'd say play it by ear for the next few weeks and see how you feel then. And those questions that arose this morning will be there for a little while, if in fact you decide to try it again. I agree with you about all of us here in the second chances being dreamers. I am just getting through a tough breakup myself, and hope I mature a great deal in the coming months. Glad I have someone to refer to when the going gets tough. I think you are strong, and I hope I will be like that 3 months from now. Hope it all works out for you!
optimisticgirl Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Hey proactivedreamer, thanks for both your answers - the positive and the negative one! I started this thread yesterday and by the evening I could feel a shadow following me round the house - I was worrying about my ex, worrying about where he was, his trip, his return. It felt like a burden and I felt very confused. That old, vulnerable feeling. Then I woke up this morning with the thought in my head: 'of course you can't get back together'. I've been back and forth all day but I know EXACTLY what advice I'd be giving if this was someone else's thread. Even if he hadn't cheated and had just broken up with me, or flaked out for a while, it still wouldn't be ok. As it is, he did the worst thing you can do to a partner. But I don't want to get into victim mode. I miss the girl I was with him, before all this happened, but I have to feel adored, safe and able to be independent in the future. The past is gone. I know why people go back. I know why the second chances forum is full of dreamers trying to get their exes back. We think we'll never meet anyone like them - because we won't. No two relationships are the same, but that's what life is. Is this my last chance at love? I can't believe that. I'm making no decisions tonight. I'm still single and I'm going to see what happens over the next couple of weeks. Then I guess I'll decide whether to meet up or not. this provided me so much strength. They are the questions I have been asking myself over and over again. thank you
aerialgirl Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Hi Rose. I really think you shouldn't be there to "jump" as soon as he says "let's meet up". It's not that I think you shouldn't meet up, perhaps you could make him work for this a bit, make him really sweat. You could decide to pull the pin on this particular date and wait to see what he does next. It won't do him or you any harm to let him have a good LONG think about what he wants and how far he is prepared to go to get it, particularly if this OW is lurking around at work. Good luck!
Author Rose T Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Thanks for your kind words Optimisticgirl! I think I sound a lot stronger than I feel. The thing that really helps me weigh things up at the moment is thinking not only about the relationship with my ex but my whole life, if that doesn't sound too wierd. The girl I was growing up, the things I did at school, at university... My achievements at work, the countries I lived in. I did all that, I'm so much more than someone's girlfriend, and to respect that little girl and that young woman I have to be selfish now about the right future for me. Hi Rose. I really think you shouldn't be there to "jump" as soon as he says "let's meet up". It's not that I think you shouldn't meet up, perhaps you could make him work for this a bit, make him really sweat. You could decide to pull the pin on this particular date and wait to see what he does next. It won't do him or you any harm to let him have a good LONG think about what he wants and how far he is prepared to go to get it, particularly if this OW is lurking around at work. Good luck! This is a great reply and I think you have a very good point. Even if we have a good evening I'll just be a mess the next day torturing myself with the OW still being in the frame and I think that I do need more time to get my head round this. I'm not into playing games (and I know you're not advocating that) but if we're going to get back together there's really no rush. In the meantime, I'm going to do the difficult thing of keeping my eyes peeled for other options, just to keep me sane as much as anything.
Shatter3d Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Rose, let me pose a question to you.... If there was no OW involved and he broke up for 'other' reasons, would you be meeting up with him?
Author Rose T Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Rose, let me pose a question to you.... If there was no OW involved and he broke up for 'other' reasons, would you be meeting up with him? Shatter3d, that's a great question and something I've been battling with myself. If he'd decided to step out of the relationship because he thought it wasn't going anywhere, I'm sure I'd be (rightfully) angry. I do believe that relationships should be fixed while you're still in them and maybe I would be questioning everything anyway. But, if he'd just 'taken a break', then I wouldn't have the betrayal to get past and it's the sense of not being able to trust him that haunts me the most. I'm very confused.
Shatter3d Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Awww honey, I totally get where you are comimg from. To be honest the reason for leaving the relationship is pointless, either way they betrayed our trust. If they leave for another person its more the images you cant get out of you head. I think you are INCREDIBLY brave, and I admire you so much. To be able to step back like you have and have so much self respect is honourable. I think you are doing the right thing by taking a few weeks out to have a think about things. You certainly deserve the right to, and really, if its meant to be with him, it will be, eventually when you are both ready. If not, then you can walk away knowing you have you self respect and dignity in tact. You have some amazing inner strength which I wish I had. Deep down you might feel like youre crumbling, but what matters is what you show on the surface, and I think by you not giving in to him straight away is a great thing. Men like to 'work' for their possessions. Let him work for it a bit and if he is the right one, he will work as hard as he needs to win your heart back and your trust most importantly. What are you going to do from here? Will you answer him telling him you need a bit of time to think about it ? Or will you just keep NC until you've made your mind up?
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 The opposite to Love, is indifference. You're not indifferent to him, then you still love him. That's the confusion. And you know the potential to be hurt is still there. I'd avoid this by miles, and refuse to see him, until you know you can take it or leave it, with your dignity intact and your honour head and shoulders totally up.
Author Rose T Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 What are you going to do from here? Will you answer him telling him you need a bit of time to think about it ? Or will you just keep NC until you've made your mind up? When he sent me the email on Monday, I opened IM and unblocked him on Skype () to talk. It was the best exchange we've had in months, also because I finally got to say that I also took responsibility for the fact that we'd failed, and that I knew I wasn't always an easy person to be with. That was a huge relief for me - I can't tell you how much better it made me feel - because up until now I've just been hurting so much and blaming him for everything. Sure, he exited the relationship in a horrible way, but you know, I'm sure I wasn't perfect over the past 5 years. I could tell how stunned he was by this admission and kind of moved by it. He became a bit gushy. But then, because I could feel myself getting a bit sucked in, I said, I'm not going to speak to you on Skype any more now, let's talk in a couple of weeks when you're back from my trip and I'm back from a trip of my own. I think we should both reflect carefully on these things and then see if we do want to meet up. Hope you're proud of me! TaraMaiden, you're right - I am still in love, although something feels different. It's as if my love has diminished, and by quite a lot. That would actually make sense in the context of what I've been through, but it's a bit scary too. I honestly don't know if I could ever love him again like I did before. Probably that's a good thing. Or maybe it's a sign that I should move on.
Fern Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 You can't trust him, Rose. Is he still seeing the OW? I think you're one of the nicest, most interesting, most helpful and intelligent posters on here. It makes me squirm to think of him hurting you again. Whatever happens - whatever you decide to do - don't you trust him. Not yet. Guard your heart. He doesn't deserve you. The man who gets you will be a lucky, lucky boy. Just because this muppet has enough brains to see that he threw away a woman in a million doesn't prove he deserves you or that he wouldn't do it again. Just be careful.
Author Rose T Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Hello Fern. Really glad to see you on here and the great thing is you make me feel guilty, lol!! I know I can't trust him. I've been hanging out with a friend recently who has very different ideas on what is 'normal' in relationships - she's done the polyamorous thing - and she even tried to make me lighten up on the cheating. She seemed to think it was something I could eventually get past. Then my ex got in touch and the badly aligned stars made me a bit cross-eyed I think. Even having this thread up on the boards this week has helped loads. Monday I was sort of confused, crazy and hopeful... now I know that it's a huge mess and no, he doesn't deserve me, really. I've been so strong for him, he couldn't control himself when OW started paying him attention... blah blah, you all know the story. I have to move on. Why did I get the kling-on ex who keeps coming back to haunt, me? lol (don't answer that, I know I've been really weak when he's contacted me, so my bad). Next week I have a nice work trip lined up so I'm going to enjoy the change of scenery and flirt shamelessly. Big hugs and thanks to all you guys, love ya Fern - I can't tell you how much this support network means to me. I keep having little wobbles but I know that I'll do the right thing in the long term. I need to find the strength to start dating. I will move on.
Fern Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Hello Fern. Really glad to see you on here and the great thing is you make me feel guilty, lol!! I know I can't trust him. I've been hanging out with a friend recently who has very different ideas on what is 'normal' in relationships - she's done the polyamorous thing - and she even tried to make me lighten up on the cheating. She seemed to think it was something I could eventually get past. Then my ex got in touch and the badly aligned stars made me a bit cross-eyed I think. Even having this thread up on the boards this week has helped loads. Monday I was sort of confused, crazy and hopeful... now I know that it's a huge mess and no, he doesn't deserve me, really. I've been so strong for him, he couldn't control himself when OW started paying him attention... blah blah, you all know the story. I have to move on. Why did I get the kling-on ex who keeps coming back to haunt, me? lol (don't answer that, I know I've been really weak when he's contacted me, so my bad). Next week I have a nice work trip lined up so I'm going to enjoy the change of scenery and flirt shamelessly. Big hugs and thanks to all you guys, love ya Fern - I can't tell you how much this support network means to me. I keep having little wobbles but I know that I'll do the right thing in the long term. I need to find the strength to start dating. I will move on. Polyamory isn't the end of the world - if you agreed to it in advance. I think you're being incredibly strong - not weak at all. If my ex came crawling back I think the only thing that would stop me jumping into his arms would be the reactions of my friends and family. They'd KILL me. lol For me - there's no going back. Perhaps things are different for you, perhaps your ex is a better man than mine. But even if he is, just as long as you realise he isn't anywhere close to good enough for you in my opinion. Have fun on your trip! xxxx
dng Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Rose. All of this is happening while he's away from work and away from the other person. His emotions are confused. Stay away from him seriously. I'm willing to bet the minute he goes back to work his feelings will change again. I've experienced this as well as seen it around me. This type of people never change until their physical attributes start waning, and even then.
Author Rose T Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Rose. All of this is happening while he's away from work and away from the other person. His emotions are confused. Stay away from him seriously. I'm willing to bet the minute he goes back to work his feelings will change again. I've experienced this as well as seen it around me. This type of people never change until their physical attributes start waning, and even then. Thanks dng. I think you're absolutely right. He was in touch in January during another period when he was away, then when he got back he vanished for a couple of weeks... until things got a bit boring / hit a bump with the OW I guess... then he started calling again. See? I knew this deep inside. You just sometimes need internet friends to point out the obvious stuff. I'm going to stay away, don't worry.
dng Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 See? I knew this deep inside. You just sometimes need internet friends to point out the obvious stuff. I'm going to stay away, don't worry. There's that, and then some more. When you're in the emotional turmoil of the breakup it's very hard to see the big picture, its a day to day struggle and it can be so hard to resist the call. Back in october or november, my ex trying really hard to get back into my life, swore many times over she wasn't seeing the guy anymore, that they'd only been friends anyway, but I didn't believe her and refused to see her or to re-enter her life because I didnt want to get stuck on the business end of a love triangle. A few months later turns out she never stopped seeing him - but nothing happens between them anymore - I dont believe that or anything else she says. I was right to to trust my instincts on this one, as hard as it was, and so are you.
Author Rose T Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 I was right to to trust my instincts on this one, as hard as it was, and so are you. Yes, thanks dng. It's kind of mind-bending though, isn't it? I mean, do our exes really think they're kind of head and shoulders ahead of the other people in the "triangle", when they try and shuffle between the old and the new? Are they boasting about this to their friends? Or are they really confused inside? It looks more like a complicated circus trick involving safety nets, which is ready to go horribly wrong. Or it's like they're trying to make one relationship out of two people, in a wierd, Frankenstein-like operation. The healthiest thing I can do is leave him to it; if the OW is still around, I want her to be his only option. Let their relationship grow and wither, all by itself. I just hope I'll find the strength not to reply any more and move on when the time is right.
dng Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 The healthiest thing I can do is leave him to it; if the OW is still around, I want her to be his only option. Let their relationship grow and wither, all by itself. I just hope I'll find the strength not to reply any more and move on when the time is right. Healthiest indeed, very good decision as well. You may have to do what I did. I told her that whatever happens from now on, I'm one guy she can never have in her life again, anymore. I got a few "I dont understand what happened" and "I dont understand what you mean" emails after that but she left me mostly alone. I understand how flattering those emails from him are, but consider this: I dont know how your guy is, but she was very tenacious in not wanting to let me go for good, damaging my ego bit by bit but herself always escaping unscathed at the last minute.
Kic Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I recall hearing that while it's possible to forgive a cheater and rekindle your relationship, that relationship is forever changed. Anytime he is late from work, out with the guys...the thought will enter your mind, "what is he really doing?" and you will feel insecure. Therefore, for such a hindered relationship to work, it cannot be long distance and it helps if you two work the same shift and only rarely, if ever, leave the house separately. You would be allowed to check his phone, FB messages, email, etc. at any time. If you are already jealous by nature, that won't do either. Do you think the relationship would meet these criteria and more? If not, then it's probably not going to work out in the long run.
Author Rose T Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 I understand how flattering those emails from him are, but consider this: I dont know how your guy is, but she was very tenacious in not wanting to let me go for good, damaging my ego bit by bit but herself always escaping unscathed at the last minute. Our exes want to be able to move on, but they don't want us to, dng. It's incredibly selfish, but then, what should we expect? If they had the option to keep us as a shoulder to cry on, forever single, in a location convenient to them, I think they'd sign up for it. I love how you withdrew yourself as an option in an active way. If I get the chance to create a definitive closure in the next few weeks, without going over the top, I think I'll try and go for it. I recall hearing that while it's possible to forgive a cheater and rekindle your relationship, that relationship is forever changed. Anytime he is late from work, out with the guys...the thought will enter your mind, "what is he really doing?" and you will feel insecure. Therefore, for such a hindered relationship to work, it cannot be long distance and it helps if you two work the same shift and only rarely, if ever, leave the house separately. You would be allowed to check his phone, FB messages, email, etc. at any time. If you are already jealous by nature, that won't do either. Do you think the relationship would meet these criteria and more? If not, then it's probably not going to work out in the long run. This is all very logical and thanks for your input. It's EXACTLY what I would tell a friend. Thanks to everyone here - I'm not going to give him a second chance. Basta. Someone needs to draw the line here and looks like it's going to be me.
melenkurion Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Someone needs to draw the line here and looks like it's going to be me. I'm glad to hear it. I think it really, really is for the best. I can't see any signs of any real change in him from what he has said. He (maybe) thinks he made a mistake. Fine. What steps has he taken to make sure he would not make exactly the same mistake again? You've grown and made a good life for yourself over these last few months, truly inspirational. Why go back?
Author Rose T Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 I'm glad to hear it. I think it really, really is for the best. I can't see any signs of any real change in him from what he has said. He (maybe) thinks he made a mistake. Fine. What steps has he taken to make sure he would not make exactly the same mistake again? You've grown and made a good life for yourself over these last few months, truly inspirational. Why go back? Thanks melen! I was just looking at your thread too and I'll write there in a bit! It's so strange - I look back at these three awful, and I mean, really painful, difficult months, and I'm proud. Proud of all those little things I did, proud of the fact that I handled this pain and I'm still standing. Hell, more than that. I think that even in the future, when I'm hopefully with someone good, I'll always somehow look back at this period and think that it proves I can always be alone, I can always get over things, I don't have to be scared of anything. Fighting, surviving, then growing, being happy. That's the trajectory I'm potentially on and until I turn the corner, I'm going to enjoy being single.
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