Ravenwood Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 So my girlfriends 24th birthday is today and my 27th is in a week. Previously we made plans to get together with her friends and go out to a club next weekend and do a little partying for them. Shes been gone the last couple days seeing family a few cities over. Weve stayed in touch through a couple of texts a day. Last night she gets home and texts me that she missed me and cant wait to see me today, but then says: Hey, I want to run something by you. If you still want to come on Saturday thats cool, but sounds like you will be the only guy... up to you. I said it didn't bother me, but was fine with sitting out if she just wanted a girls night. She responds: I kind of feel like a jerk with it turning into a girls night and I don't want you to feel like you don't matter. It wouldn't bother you? Now im a little pissed off, plus im not sure what she is saying so I ask her if she means bother me to go or to stay. To not come out. Im cool with whatever you want to do though. Its not you or my friends...It can be you and my friends Now im angry. I ask her flat out: Look, do you want me to come or not? Either way im fine. She responds: I would like it to be a girls night. There's a few I haven't seen in a while. Reason im worried is the last guy I dated got really mad whenever we did our own thing. It was together or not at all. Now im cool with a girls night, and my girlfriend has never given me any reason not to trust her. But I do find it concerning that she is uninviting me from being around her and her friends while she is at a bar. She does have several ex boyfriends and she has told me she has seen them at the bar before. Bottom line, this whole thing makes me uncomfortable. I would like to know what is going on at the bar that she doesn't want me to see. And before you ask, yes my ex-wife cheated on me, which ended the marriage. What say you?
hurting_in_nw Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I think you need to chill a little bit and give her girl's night if she wants it. She's not your ex-wife, and if you want to have successful relationships going forward you need to understand that. You said yourself she's never given you any reason not to trust her. Is this your first relationship since the ex-wife?
Author Ravenwood Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 I think you need to chill a little bit and give her girl's night if she wants it. She's not your ex-wife, and if you want to have successful relationships going forward you need to understand that. You said yourself she's never given you any reason not to trust her. Is this your first relationship since the ex-wife? 3rd relationship since the divorce. As I emphasised, I have no problem with her having a girls night. My concern is why she planned it with me included to begin with and now its a girls night.
blackmagik Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I'm going to have to agree. You should just chill out. Its not like she doesn't want you to come. From the text messages it sounds like she would have been fine with you coming, although she prefers it to be a girls night. You can't hold grudges on those who have done nothing to not deserve your trust. It totally sounds like she just wants a good night with the ladies and since you were going to be the only guy around it would have been awkward for you. Let her go out and go do something with your friends that night. Space, understanding, trust, and communication are key to relationships and these types of events can bring out all those things. They can also help a relationship or hurt it at the same time.
sally4sara Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Not enough sinister clues to say she is trying to keep you from seeing what "goes on at the bar" really. Is there a reason why you couldn't have been a bit more proactive about the planning of this outing - like including some of your friends in the mix so she wouldn't end up worrying about having to split all her attention between her friends and you?
tigressA Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Chill. As you said, she's given you no reason to not trust her. I would be annoyed with the text convo too, but that reads to me like she was just being vague, hoping you would get the hint because she was trying to avoid being blunt and possibly hurting your feelings. A lot of people do that.
Kamille Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Hey, I want to run something by you. If you still want to come on Saturday thats cool, but sounds like you will be the only guy... up to you. I said it didn't bother me, but was fine with sitting out if she just wanted a girls night. She responds: I kind of feel like a jerk with it turning into a girls night and I don't want you to feel like you don't matter. It wouldn't bother you? At this point you could have answered honestly: yes, it bothers me a little. I was looking forward to it and now I'm feeling "uninvited". Why was your "go to" emotion getting pissed instead of being honest about how it made you feel? To not come out. Im cool with whatever you want to do though. Its not you or my friends...It can be you and my friends Again, here, instead of getting angry, you could have said: If it's all the same to you, I want in on the girls's night. Now im angry. I ask her flat out: Look, do you want me to come or not? Either way im fine. you're not fine and you were not fine at the time when you wrote that. You can't be angry at her. She gave you not one but three chances to speak on the topic, and yet not once did you take the opportunity to say that it made you feel uncomfortable. You cannot be angry at her for your failure to speak up for yourself. The good news is, it's not too late. You can still say: Listen, I know I said I was fine with the girls' night, but to be honest I feel a bit uncomfortable. Explain why. Listen to what she has to say. Feel the magic of open honest communication!
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 you are over reacting and twisting her words to make you look like she's purposely shutting you out. Re-read what your opening posts says with her responses in italics. You are creating drama and looking for trouble that isn't there and also using your past hurts too. She hasn't cheated on you. You and your gf are fine! Take her out another time for a nice dinner and then do something special together.
Author Ravenwood Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 Maybe I am overreacting. For the record, the uninvitation made me angry because we haven't seen each other for almost a week. Not the best time to uninvite your significant other to a function, in my opinion, if she had waited till after we went out for supper tonight I think it would have gone better. I could get my friends together to come out, but since they are mostly in their 30s and married with children, it would be a little wierd for them. I am pretty well out of the bar phase as well, usually its a poker game and a case of beer for my crew and I.
Crow9726 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Then do the case of beer and poker night with your friends. It sounds like she was being honest and upfront...and while I can understand why you were initially upset...she deserves a night out with the girls. Besides...just by the sound of it...I'm sure she will be very appreciative of your support and understanding.
baguette Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Like many have said, you're overreacting a bit. You need to trust her and be more open about your feelings with her. Don't create unnecessary drama!
hoping2heal Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 LOL..oh us women we sure can be manipulative when we need to be. I noticed how she let you know that her last BF was not cool with her just hanging out with the girls. Kind of backs you into a corner about saying you want to go, cause now you would be just like him. I am not saying she is up to no good just because she wants a girls night out. You just need to watch her because she goes for the really low blows when she plays the manipulation card. You gotta watch out for that.
carhill Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 'Of course dear, I think it's healthy that we both be flexible and understanding of each other's needs. Have a great time'. Accept that as your truth. Then, as circumstances dictate, allow her to show the same flexibility and understanding for your plans. It's OK if you change your mind and change your plans. She set a great example for you. Win-win
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