dadlost Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 My ex GF and i were together 5.5 years, have 2 beautiful children, broken up just over a month. I had my two kids this weekend and my three year old daughter told me mom has new boy in life. Then my little girl showed me how they kiss, told me that mommy really likes him. This floored me, because i guess i was hoping for us to reconcile. Ex gf didnt seem to be like this at all, my ex before her was in and out of relationships constantly....maybe being single two days over 6 years. My current ex would complain about other ex , and made me feel that she had no morals. Now i see my current ex is shallow like her. Not sure what i am getting at.....maybe just venting. We were deeply in love, had a very strong and passionate sex life. I guess i thought she would take time to grieve the loss of our relationship. Is this a rebound, is this helping her cope, when its said and done is she just prolonging the pain associated with our break? Any insight and help is most appreciated, Thankyou.
blind_otter Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I think women tend to check out of relationships emotionally a long time before they physically leave. It's the nurturer, the caretaker genetically programmed into the double X chromosome. I object to your statement that your ex "made you feel" anything about your ex prior to her. No one makes anyone feel anything, but they do offer validation for our choices to judge others. Sometimes what brings people together in a subsequent relationships is merely talking crap about the previous ex. While this can be bonding, it doesn't build a strong relationship foundation. You can't be hating on previous ex's forever. I recommend: #1 - never talk about an ex with a current lover. It's poor form, and it never reflects well on either trash talking party. I don't enjoy thinking about ex's. Do you? #2 - are you willing to take this woman back if she does want to reconcile, or would you punish her continually for seeking physical solace in the arms of another man? Seriously. Answer this with your heart. #3 - I have no idea why you two split, so is your desire for reconciliation based on reality or fantasy? Did you admit to being an active agent in the success AND failure of the relationship, and attend to those short-comings that contributed to the implosion of your commitment? #4 - what do you want? Status quo? Going back to "what was"? Transformation to something new? Learning?
sally4sara Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Well the relationship (from info in your other posts) didn't sound very stable or accepting. On and off all the time and you treating her kid differently than your own and the one(s) of you both. You even admitted it was you who did most of the exiting when you two would break up. Seems she gave up. At which point, its her life to manage. Try to stay out of each others love lives and focus on your kids. Perhaps discuss the wisdom of being openly affectionate with new people in front of the kids so they have less opportunities to report on either of you.
GreenPolicy Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 #3 - I have no idea why you two split, so is your desire for reconciliation based on reality or fantasy? Did you admit to being an active agent in the success AND failure of the relationship, and attend to those short-comings that contributed to the implosion of your commitment? Okay, I am very much a "learn from your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions" kind of guy. And I would very much like to learn from my past relationships so I can be a better boyfriend in my next one. So what sort of lessons am I supposed to take from my last relationship when my ex is a walk-away spouse? When up until the day she left, the only feedback I ever got was "I love you so much, I want to marry you, you're the best guy I've ever been with, this is the best relationship I've ever been in," she tells her parents I'm The One, she introduces me to her biological father, the only guy she ever dated that she did that with. Five days before the b/u she's telling me what kind of engagement ring she wants, a month before she's telling me that our parents need to meet each other at dinner since her parents want to get to know their future in-laws, six weeks before she's emailing me suggestions for wedding venues. What am I specifically supposed to work on? I wasn't perfect, but it very much seemed to be a stable and grounded relationship filled with a lot of love. There was no drama and we never had any big arguments or fights. I treated her well. I was never told "I don't like this, I don't like that, you're doing too much of X, you're not doing enough of Y." I understand the concept of mentally leaving a r/l before actually physically leaving, but honestly, I don't think this is something she contemplated for a long, extended period of time.
strangeways Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Same thing happened to me. My 5 yo boy told me that mummy had a new special friend that does sleep overs. I was pissed off. We had an agreement that we'd tell each other before introducing the kids to someone new. Apparently it was a misunderstanding and she meant to tell me :rolleyes:We had an almighty row about it. However, it was 4 months after we separated. I started seeing someone about the same time (the ex that bought me to LS) but it was a long time before I introduced her to the kids and I made sure the wife knew the details of the meeting in case of any questions the kids had. For me it seemed like common courtesy. But ultimately you're separated now and you don't have to tell each other anything. As to whether its a rebound or not, who knows. It's often the way that one partner has left a relationship before the final curtain so she may be emotionally available for a new relationship. its just something that needs to play out but don't hang around waiting for it to fall apart. Live your life, do the the best for your kids and move on. Strangely enough, 5 months after my ex (not my wife) and I broke up I started to get the dreaded breadcrumbs from my wife. Their relationship was rocky and apparently she was thinking about all the good times we had and was confused they're fine now and guess what, the breadcrumbs stopped.
Author dadlost Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 I know she has moved on, and i am happy for her and wish her the best. Its funny though that she cant even look at me face to face. She wont allow me to come and pick up my own children. I never hit her, during other break ups i never went to her house banging on the doors. Her mother wrote an email saying that she (ex) felt threatened of me????? So i guess i just want to know why she feels threatened, why i cant pick up my kids, why cant she face me or my family if she has a new guy, and she is happier? ( My stepfather picks up the kids, ex has her mom come over to give kids) Sound strange?
dng Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 So what sort of lessons am I supposed to take from my last relationship when my ex is a walk-away spouse? You are jacking this thread but I'll give you the answer. You're supposed to learn to choose better and not settle down before the match is right.
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