20Seconds Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 OK so today I set the final boundary in place and suggested to MM that we don’t see each other again unless he decides he wants a divorce. This has been going on for way too long - 18 months in all with lots of pain and hurt and a period of NC which I instigated and he broke. At the end of the day without all the horrible bits included, he just wanted an affair, very much on his terms, and I wanted more, and that’s the end of it. All would be well except that we have to work together. He’s just returned to work with me after a period of 6 months away and I found it easy to instigate NC during that time and direct my focus towards other things. I have told him I am going to find it hard to do this with him around and he says the same. How do I move on when I have to see him around the place? We don’t work in the same office but our work means we have to communicate on a regular basis. The way he has treated me and treats his BW could have left me in an angry place but hate is not going to be a useful emotion when we have to have contact frequently. My workplace is a positive, enjoyable place to be - I don’t want it to stop being that for me. I cannot consider leaving my job for many reasons. I just want peace.
silktricks Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I honestly don't have any real useful suggestions, since changing jobs seems to not be an option. I would strongly suggest, however, that you keep the required interactions with him to that - just when required. And as much on a business level as possible. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
woinlove Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 So sorry you are going through this. I don't think there is any way to escape it being tough for a while. MM may make it even tougher, since he is happy with an affair and may try to suck you back without offering what you want -- more than an affair. It may help to be prepared for this and think how you will handle it. As you've already been advised, limit your contact and keep it professional. And keep reminding yourself why you wanted it to end, so you don't get swept up in feelings that seem enticing but are just going to leave you feeling worse.
Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 You know the mind is an incredible organ and one we can consciously control, if we really want to. Great advice above. You must have very strong emotional boundaries in place to navigate this situation. Keep your communication strictly professional. Do NOT open the door to any personal chit chat ever again. Every time you think you may be tempted to do so, seriously remind yourself of all you did not like about him, the relationship, or the way he treated you. Create a negative thought for every positive emotion you may want to dip into to relive the 'joys' of the past. Talk yourself into dislike, whatever it takes, and eventually, indifference will come. Seriously. Concentrate on ONLY the times he was unavailable, kept you waiting, treated you disrespectfully, would not return your call, meet your needs, blah, blah, blah....Make a list if you have to and keep it nearby. I, too, am sorry you have to go through this, but you can do it!
fooled once Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 OK so today I set the final boundary in place and suggested to MM that we don’t see each other again unless he decides he wants a divorce. This has been going on for way too long - 18 months in all with lots of pain and hurt and a period of NC which I instigated and he broke. At the end of the day without all the horrible bits included, he just wanted an affair, very much on his terms, and I wanted more, and that’s the end of it. All would be well except that we have to work together. He’s just returned to work with me after a period of 6 months away and I found it easy to instigate NC during that time and direct my focus towards other things. I have told him I am going to find it hard to do this with him around and he says the same. How do I move on when I have to see him around the place? We don’t work in the same office but our work means we have to communicate on a regular basis. The way he has treated me and treats his BW could have left me in an angry place but hate is not going to be a useful emotion when we have to have contact frequently. My workplace is a positive, enjoyable place to be - I don’t want it to stop being that for me. I cannot consider leaving my job for many reasons. I just want peace. 20 (hug) I am sorry you are hurting; but I really liked how you said hate is not a useful emotion. That is a very good way to think of things. It will be hard for you at work for a bit. But I think with your positive attitude, you will be able to keep your work place an enjoyable place to be. Don't be too hard on yourself; and at the same time, please don't allow him access to you in anything less than a professional manner. You deserve better and I think you know that I wish you the best of luck going forward!!
woinlove Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 20sec, I too liked how you said hate would not be useful. You are way ahead to be able to see objectively how poorly this MM treats others, and you can benefit more from that knowledge by not hating him. He is what he is and only he can change that.
Author 20Seconds Posted March 1, 2011 Author Posted March 1, 2011 Thanks everyone. I didn;t see / speak to him today luckily (keeping his head down ) and tonight I feel much better for having made the decision. Once I make proper decisions I tend to feel relieved and stick to them but past experience tells me the pull is very great with this man. If he doesn;t respect me now it will end up ending badly and I think he knows that. It's more my resolve I'm worried about. Concentrate on ONLY the times he was unavailable, kept you waiting, treated you disrespectfully, would not return your call, meet your needs, blah, blah, blah....Make a list if you have to and keep it nearby. That's not too difficult at the moment because there were so many of them...and funnily enough I made a list of the reasons why I don;t want to do this anymore and was thinking about reading it every morning before I go to work, a sort of pep talk.
Author 20Seconds Posted March 1, 2011 Author Posted March 1, 2011 20sec, I too liked how you said hate would not be useful. You are way ahead to be able to see objectively how poorly this MM treats others, and you can benefit more from that knowledge by not hating him. He is what he is and only he can change that. That's really helpful, thanks. I don;t hate him but I do know nothing I do can change him or help him and I need to leave him to it now. I could feel sorry for him that he hasn't got me anymore
Jessica232 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know I'm in the same situation, and I empathize with you. It is SO hard to see them everyday!
aim9618 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Well I am in the same boat. As the MM, she dumped me saying I played two sides of the fence. I see her at work and its painful. Its not easy working with your OW and especially when she is seeing someone else. I just try to be positive.
fooled once Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 20seconds..... sounds like you are doing pretty good. I am very glad for you. Hang in there, it will get easier!
Author 20Seconds Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 A little update... The day before yesterday I had the not unexpected "can we just meet up for a drink as friends?" e-mail and I really, really wavered. But I said no. And today, I feel so much better. A while ago I think I read somewhere on another thread, something about it being OK to have feelings but the key is choosing whether to act on them or not. Picking it apart, when I got that e-mail, I allowed myself to feel the pull of wanting him, but didn;t act. And that has made me feel much stronger.
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 A little update... The day before yesterday I had the not unexpected "can we just meet up for a drink as friends?" e-mail and I really, really wavered. But I said no. And today, I feel so much better. A while ago I think I read somewhere on another thread, something about it being OK to have feelings but the key is choosing whether to act on them or not. Picking it apart, when I got that e-mail, I allowed myself to feel the pull of wanting him, but didn;t act. And that has made me feel much stronger. Go and celebrate this! Seriously, make a big deal of it! Buy yourself something special. He is manipulating you, and honestly, there's nothing left to say, is there? He wants to 'talk' while you 'listen'.. Aka try to convince you/woo you back. The part I bolded, don't deny the feelings, they are there and yes the key is choosing to act upon them or not. Again, congrats for being strong!
xpaperxcutx Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 A little update... The day before yesterday I had the not unexpected "can we just meet up for a drink as friends?" e-mail and I really, really wavered. But I said no. And today, I feel so much better. A while ago I think I read somewhere on another thread, something about it being OK to have feelings but the key is choosing whether to act on them or not. Picking it apart, when I got that e-mail, I allowed myself to feel the pull of wanting him, but didn;t act. And that has made me feel much stronger. MM sounds passive but then again most cheating spouses are selfish a-holes. The worst you can do is make your workplace part of your affair.
Author 20Seconds Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 He is manipulating you, and honestly, there's nothing left to say, is there? He wants to 'talk' while you 'listen'.. Aka try to convince you/woo you back. Yes, I read it as that too. But he would never listen when I wanted to talk about anything that mattered. He's had about a million chances. I thought he would hate that I am being strong now but he just sounded desperate. And I did, bought myself a nice scented candle and booked an appointment to get my nails done
woinlove Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 A little update... The day before yesterday I had the not unexpected "can we just meet up for a drink as friends?" e-mail and I really, really wavered. But I said no. And today, I feel so much better. A while ago I think I read somewhere on another thread, something about it being OK to have feelings but the key is choosing whether to act on them or not. Picking it apart, when I got that e-mail, I allowed myself to feel the pull of wanting him, but didn;t act. And that has made me feel much stronger. You did great! And thanks for posting this update. This is such a common theme - getting sucked in again, even after deciding one is not getting what one wants/needs from MM. And so many OW get hurt again by this. So, posting how you felt and how you handled it will help others - even some lurkers, I am sure, since the experience is so common.
Author 20Seconds Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 You did great! This is such a common theme - getting sucked in again, even after deciding one is not getting what one wants/needs from MM. And so many OW get hurt again by this. So, posting how you felt and how you handled it will help others - even some lurkers, I am sure, since the experience is so common. I hope it does help other people too. I never thought I could - would get to this point. I went NC and I felt strong then - but he snuck back in. Maybe I just wasn;t ready. One of the things that has also changed is because I knew he had an A before me, I used to be afraid about what would happen if I ended it and he moved on to an A with someone else. I am no longer afraid of that because I wouldn't wish the past 18 months of my life on anyone. He won't go back to work on his marriage, and I doubt very much he is going to leave, at least not at this point, so it is the most obvious outcome. What a sad, messed up life. His search for an OW who thinks he's so special they will wait forever for nothing to happen.
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