sosorry99 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Hi everyone this is my first time here and I'm not sure where exactly to post this. I am the cheater and I know from reading there are many betrayed partners here so I know you all might come down hard on me and thats fine, I deserve it but I'm just looking for some insight into my partner's behavior. I was in a 9 year relationship. We lived together and at one point were planning to get married (its a long story). When we first got together he cheated on me with a married woman. The lines were blurry and I forgave him (stupid, I know) because we had just started dating just a few months before and he is 4 years older than me and I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship and I wasn't used to dating. He said that he didn't consider us all that serious and was sorry etc. Plus I never had the real story till years later. Our relationship had its ups and downs. He wasn't a very emotional person, didn't like conflict and we didn't have a very good connection. Yet I stayed because he looked good on paper (hardworking, we had shared interests etc) I always felt something was missing and the last year or so I've just been really lonely. He works two jobs and we felt more like room mates than partners. Also he was never very affectionate with me and I practically had to demand he that he cuddle with me or hug me or kiss me. Well five months ago I met a guy and this guy knows my now ex. They used to work together. We hit it off talking online and started talking on the phone and we just connected. I felt so alive again and looked forward to hearing from him. A month after we started talking we met up and we had sex. It was kind of planned but we didn't know if we would go through with it. It was amazing. After years of being ignored by my partner I found a guy who worships the ground I walk on. He did everything for me, couldn't wait to see me every day, pampered me, complimented me, APPRECIATED ME. Once I started sleeping with the new guy I stopped sleeping with my partner. He was grouchy about it but I always had an excuse. About a month ago I left my partner. I moved out and got my own place and am still with the guy I cheated with. Just recently I told my ex why I really left him. I was crying when I told him and I appologized a hundred times. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. It was just stupid. I am shocked by how my ex reacted. He told me it was ok, that everyone makes mistakes and that he wants us to work things out. I don't want to work things out because I am in love with the guy I cheated with. I asked my ex why he doesn't hate me. He said he still loves me and wants me back. When I saw him the other day he kept wanting to hug me (and it makes me feel horrible to touch him because of what I did to him. I Just feel so guilty. He wants to hug and kiss me and the other day he tried to talk me into having sex with him. He says he is so lonely and can't imagine me not being there (I've been living elsewhere for about a month.) I don't understand it because I've been cheated on before and I didn't want anything to do with the person who hurt me. I hated him. I felt discust at the thought of having sex with him etc. Why is my ex so easy to forgive and want me back? I mean he KNEW this other guy. Also he wants to hug and kiss and hold me and all this stuff and says he misses me so much but when we lived together the last few years we might have hugged and kissed a few times per week and thats it. He NEVER wanted to cuddle with me or hold me (even when I was upset) so why all of a sudden does he want to be affectionate when he can't have me anymore?? I don't understand. if you were the betrayed partner did you ever have feelings like this? I don't understand how he can get over it so quickly. I just wish he'd hate me. Any insight?
Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Hmmm....wanting him to hate you is pretty normal reaction, I believe. It makes the whole transition to a new man less guilty for you. But it sounds like your H really loves you and wants you back. Some people do not realize what they are about to lose until it is walking out the door. Did you ever express how much you wanted and needed affection and attention from him? That you felt you were like roommates? Did you ever tell H that unless you received it, you would be seeking it elsewhere? Because by his reaction, he truly sounds stunned that you left and are now pursuing another relationship. Did you guys ever attempt MC (Marriage Counseling)?
Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 PS: I am the fBS, and yes, I was angry out of my mind to have been lied to. But I also told him that if she was the love of your life, go be with her. At that point, no one was more shocked than I when it seemed it was the last thing he wanted and began to pursue me aggressively to reconcile; something I wouldn't even consider for several months. But there you go: Some people do not or cannot cherish what they have/had until it has a bag packed and is leaving their life. What do you intend to do about it, if anything?
Author sosorry99 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 We were never married. I wanted to get engaged, wanted to get married but I always had to push him, pressure him. He was happy with me just being there. We were technically engaged (I had a ring) but when he talked about me or introduced me to anyone he always said I was his "girlfriend". Yes, I talked until I was blue in the face, telling him I needed more love, more affection, more quality time. When I'd try to get close to him or snuggle or hug him, he always acted like I was iritating him. No I never told him if I didn't receive it I would be seeking it elsewhere because I never thought like that. I didn't seek out someone deliberately. I just learned to live with the lack of affection. It had probably been six months (before I started the cheating) since my partner even put his arm around me at night in bed. Our sex life was down to maybe twice a month (my doing) before the affair. When I met this guy and started talking we just "clicked" There's a book about 5 needs or something like that and this guy filled all five with compliments, great sex, quailty time, acts of service, gifts etc. I know people say they didn't mean to cheat and it sounds like they are full of crap but I didn't plan it and never thought I would. I take 100% responsibility because I could have walked away before I slept with him. And I feel guilty and terrible for hurting my partner. I told him NONE of it was HIS fault but he rewrites history and talks about how happy he thought we were and how good he was to me (he wasn't) and he can't beleive I left him after having it so good. He blames that he works two jobs and thats why he didn't hug me or kiss me or compliment me. I don't understand why he wants me back. I'm tainted aren't I since I had sex with someone else and someone he knows and can picture. I don't understand how after all these years of basically seeming to not care that I was even still around that suddenly I was the love of his life or whatever. And yes, I agree I want him to hate me to get over me and so I don't feel so guilty about being with the OM. I know that is terrible, but I will admit that is how I feel.
bentnotbroken Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Naw. I would rather step in it and whip it off my shoe than live with.
Author sosorry99 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 I'm sorry that you are a fBS. I don't mean to bring up any pain for you by talking about how I'm the cheater in the situation. I don't plan to do anything about it. Honestly I wish I could find him a new girlfriend or something so that would take the pain away. That sounds horrible doesn't it. I love him and don't want him to hurt but I don't want to be with him. Once I"d go back things would go back to "normal" and now that I know what its like to live feeling very loved and needed and wanted I can't go back to just being in the same house together and wanting so much more. I talked to him for years about how we needed to spend more time together, that I wished he was more affectionate, I tried for years to teach him to be more affectionate (I would try to cuddle or hold his hand, or rub his back or just give him hugs and it seemed like he had to restrain himself to keep from pushing me away and that hurt.) I'm not making excuses for what I did, I know it was WRONG, just trying to show the constrast between what I feel now and what I felt then.
Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Not married? No children? Did not love you enough to marry you? No affection? Emotionally distanced from you? Met a man who treats you well? Is respectful? Count your blessings. You do not owe him anything at this point. I'm sorry he is sorry................NOW. But now, it is too late. Stay with the man who makes you happy and respects you enough to be responsive to YOUR needs...who puts your happiness first. In fact, please get some IC (Individual Counseling) to find out why you stayed in such a loveless relationship for soooooo long.
Owl Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 There are all kinds of responses to someone cheating on you...and you never truly know what you're your response is going to be until you're there. When my wife had an EA, I wanted to reconcile our marriage. We did...we were successful at fully recovering our marriage. Not every situation goes this way though, as you mentioned in your posts. Some end immediately. Sometimes forgiveness just isn't possible. So your H's response isn't unusual...not at all. The bottom line to me seems to be that you simply don't want to have a relationship with him any longer. That should be all there is to it. If he knows how you feel...then make it clear to him that's where this is...and walk away. Trying to remain friends with someone who is still in love with you isn't going to do anyone any good...you, him, anyone. Tell him it's over...and to be fair to your new relationship your interaction needs to end...period. Your H will eventually move on, and probably learn to find someone else...or learn to be happy on his own.
East7 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 It all boils down to having lost your respect for your H. When there is no respect anymore, the love is gone forever. The fact that he forgave you right away made you loose what was left of the respect you had for him. You are now looking him as a total wuss..poor guy. The best solution is to walk away. You had 9 years of dysfunctional relationship, why wasting time together ?
Steadfast Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 First, you say this: After years of being ignored by my partner I found a guy who worships the ground I walk on. He did everything for me, couldn't wait to see me every day, pampered me, complimented me, APPRECIATED ME. Once I started sleeping with the new guy I stopped sleeping with my partner. Then this... I feel guilty and terrible for hurting my partner. I told him NONE of it was HIS fault. My point is, how can you expect your ex to act with any amount of rational sense when you're giving him these kind of mixed signals? He would not want you back unless he thought you really loved him. Somewhere, somehow, this is what he thinks, along with the belief that if he's persistent enough, he'll talk you into it. My hunch is your feelings of affection/respect are keeping you from telling him the truth; that you aren't sexually attracted to him. You're not in love with him. We've all seen what people (men and women) will put up with when they are. He's a great example of that. You handled it wrong; you cheated. But as long as we're breathing, it's never too late to start doing the right thing. Tell him the truth and he'll disappear.
Woggle Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Hell no. Her bags would be packed the day I found out and she better make other living arrangements if she ever cheats. It is a complete dealbreaker to me.
Ballerfamily Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 (edited) and this new OM will worship you, and be there for your every need forever:laugh: people like you continue to amaze me each and every day. Why dont you shape up someday and fix yourself. and lastly, if your a cheat and a b____h,then thats what you are. OWN IT!! and be proud and walk around with head held high. you are it baby:cool: and, you will meet his every need, right. Because you got it going , right. here today, gone tomorrow. Its all his fault, and then no its not. I love your type, makes me want to go out and get hitched tonite, not. Now I think I will watch more WWE wrestling and have a beer and then look at some porn haha and, that stupid idiot, actly pined and forgave and wants to make it work. OMG, no wonder the world turns like it does with those kind of guys in the world. They should all be players like your OM, who can get broken WAW like you sucked in and then throw you away for more strange. Actually, I like a little challenge. Your like taking candy from babies You would be better in the OW forum , where these games are fun and you can validate each other for your true inner self. LOL Edited March 1, 2011 by Ballerfamily
Ballerfamily Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 (edited) and only in todays world, would we get a cheater coming to an infidelity forum to figure out what is wrong with the BS:p:p and will this suffice? I hate people like you alot. you disgust and make me puke. Make you feel better and not so guilty? I would check and see if you can get him into IC for his issues Edited March 1, 2011 by Ballerfamily
fltc Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 if you were the betrayed partner did you ever have feelings like this? I don't understand how he can get over it so quickly. I just wish he'd hate me. Any insight? I can only tell you my feelings. When my long term GF cheated on me (sort of, you can read it elsewhere) we continued our relationship. We were both very young and VERY horny and I enjoyed the steady sex but.... my view of her changed drastically. She was once the girl I wanted to marry, after her confession she was the girl I wanted to keep screwing but NOT someone I'd marry. Our relationship shifted to a short term sex only relationship and continued until shortly before she married someone else (not the guy she'd cheated with but I suspect she may have also been cheating on me with the guy she married. Our relationship was such at that time that I didn't really care...) That's the prelude, now to your situation... if she'd dumped me for the other guy, I would VERY much have wanted her back, I would have been frantic for sex and I would have forgiven her and tried to get her back rather than invest time and effort into finding someone else because she was easy, she was there, we knew each other very well, the sex was G*R*E*A*T and I guess she'd become a habit? I'm wondering if your guy isn't maybe feeling that way?
Mountain Dew Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 He's in shock. He will hate you soon enough. Problem is, you will go through the same thing with the new one in a few years. It's not them, it's you. If you had a man who gave you with attention all the time you would get tired of him too. Hope you thought this through, the ex is never going to take you back once the shock wears off.
Mountain Dew Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Not married? No children? Did not love you enough to marry you? No affection? Emotionally distanced from you? Met a man who treats you well? Is respectful? Count your blessings. You do not owe him anything at this point. I'm sorry he is sorry................NOW. But now, it is too late. Stay with the man who makes you happy and respects you enough to be responsive to YOUR needs...who puts your happiness first. In fact, please get some IC (Individual Counseling) to find out why you stayed in such a loveless relationship for soooooo long. And prepare for the same with this new one because you are a cheating scumbag.
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