Finally ready to leave - yet terrified!!

[cowgirltuff]

Hello All,

 

I am new here and like a lot of you am looking for advise or even just someone else going through what I am.

 

I am 23 years old, have been a stay at home mom for 5 years. I have 3 young children with my husband and I also am a step mom to 4 children from his previous marriage as well.

 

My husband is 13 years older than I am, and our marriage has never been a good one. I have been ready to leave for years - I am just now really ready to leave. I realized just how ready I am when I was laying in bed one night after a fight and I was day dreaming about being on my own, I was thinking about him finding someone else, my kids possibly having a step mom in their lives (he has 7 kids total and soon to be two ex wives... I will be surprised if he finds another sucker to step into this role) but incase he does, (a sucker is born every day ya know!) I am OK with that... whereas before, the thought of another woman in my kid's lives would drive me nuts. It doesn't anymore, and in fact I hope it happens...for my kid's sake.

 

My husband has been controlling my life our entire marriage. I am to the point that I am not allowed to get a job, I am not allowed to go back to school, I am not even allowed to see my family or to go anywhere unless I take all of the kids with me (ours and his included). I am the only parent in our home, my husband is seriously gone 24/7 (by choice)...he might come home in time to say good night to the kids, but even that isn't a norm. I am the one solely taking care of his kids...which I love them, don't get me wrong. I am actually really struggling with the fact that I will be leaving them as well... but still, I am the one to do home work with his children, to make sure they all get showers, to clean up after them everything without him even lifting a finger...he's just out living his life, chasing his dreams like as though he has never had any children. I love being a stay at home mom that isn't the problem, the problem is that I did not create these children all on my own - 4 of which I had nothing to do with their existence. Yet here I am, the only parent they have. Heck, even when he is home and is standing right there...for every single problem one of his kids have, they come to me never him.

 

My husband has been emotionally abusing me, and sexually abusing me - I wont go into detail, and I know a lot of people have a hard time with the thought of a husband "abusing his wife sexually"... but trust me, it can happen. I am a sexual person, and enjoy sex but what he does to me has made me so that I don't even want him to touch me.

Anyway, all of these emotions are coming to a head. I went from pretty much living under my parents roof to being with him. He is all I have known during my adult life and I have become dependant on him...mostly because that is what he has made me to be. I have to ask for money, and can only spend it on groceries. I have to ask to go anywhere, heck even when I am watching tv if he comes in while I am he wont even say anything to me and will just take the remote from me and change the channel.

 

I am scared a little. I am scared to be alone, I am scared to be the main bread winner for our children, I am scared about "how will I find a place for us?", "how will I juggle 3 kids and a job?". "how is this going to hurt our children?" etc etc...

 

I have found a job and will be going in for an interview this week, I am trying to figure out what my first steps should be. I wont be able to afford an attorney even though I know I will need one.

I'm thinking, I'll get the job first then maybe move in with my sister and then maybe apply for assistance (this will be a very humbling act as I have never had to do that before), then hopefully find a place of our own.

All in the meanwhile of filing for divorce and maybe even getting a temporary order in for custody and child support.

I am just scared like crazy, yet am for the first time in almost 6 years am feeling like I matter, because I am making it so that I matter! It's scary yet very freeing.

I think it must be a little like how people who have been locked in prison for decades feel... terrified of the unknown but yet free!

 

I am open to any advise or friendship! This is hard to do alone, and it feels good to know we're not alone.

 

Thanks!

 

-Ashley

[TinaniT]

Hello All,

 

I am new here and like a lot of you am looking for advise or even just someone else going through what I am.

 

I am 23 years old, have been a stay at home mom for 5 years. I have 3 young children with my husband and I also am a step mom to 4 children from his previous marriage as well.

 

My husband is 13 years older than I am, and our marriage has never been a good one. I have been ready to leave for years - I am just now really ready to leave. I realized just how ready I am when I was laying in bed one night after a fight and I was day dreaming about being on my own, I was thinking about him finding someone else, my kids possibly having a step mom in their lives (he has 7 kids total and soon to be two ex wives... I will be surprised if he finds another sucker to step into this role) but incase he does, (a sucker is born every day ya know!) I am OK with that... whereas before, the thought of another woman in my kid's lives would drive me nuts. It doesn't anymore, and in fact I hope it happens...for my kid's sake.

 

My husband has been controlling my life our entire marriage. I am to the point that I am not allowed to get a job, I am not allowed to go back to school, I am not even allowed to see my family or to go anywhere unless I take all of the kids with me (ours and his included). I am the only parent in our home, my husband is seriously gone 24/7 (by choice)...he might come home in time to say good night to the kids, but even that isn't a norm. I am the one solely taking care of his kids...which I love them, don't get me wrong. I am actually really struggling with the fact that I will be leaving them as well... but still, I am the one to do home work with his children, to make sure they all get showers, to clean up after them everything without him even lifting a finger...he's just out living his life, chasing his dreams like as though he has never had any children. I love being a stay at home mom that isn't the problem, the problem is that I did not create these children all on my own - 4 of which I had nothing to do with their existence. Yet here I am, the only parent they have. Heck, even when he is home and is standing right there...for every single problem one of his kids have, they come to me never him.

 

My husband has been emotionally abusing me, and sexually abusing me - I wont go into detail, and I know a lot of people have a hard time with the thought of a husband "abusing his wife sexually"... but trust me, it can happen. I am a sexual person, and enjoy sex but what he does to me has made me so that I don't even want him to touch me.

Anyway, all of these emotions are coming to a head. I went from pretty much living under my parents roof to being with him. He is all I have known during my adult life and I have become dependant on him...mostly because that is what he has made me to be. I have to ask for money, and can only spend it on groceries. I have to ask to go anywhere, heck even when I am watching tv if he comes in while I am he wont even say anything to me and will just take the remote from me and change the channel.

 

I am scared a little. I am scared to be alone, I am scared to be the main bread winner for our children, I am scared about "how will I find a place for us?", "how will I juggle 3 kids and a job?". "how is this going to hurt our children?" etc etc...

 

I have found a job and will be going in for an interview this week, I am trying to figure out what my first steps should be. I wont be able to afford an attorney even though I know I will need one.

I'm thinking, I'll get the job first then maybe move in with my sister and then maybe apply for assistance (this will be a very humbling act as I have never had to do that before), then hopefully find a place of our own.

All in the meanwhile of filing for divorce and maybe even getting a temporary order in for custody and child support.

I am just scared like crazy, yet am for the first time in almost 6 years am feeling like I matter, because I am making it so that I matter! It's scary yet very freeing.

I think it must be a little like how people who have been locked in prison for decades feel... terrified of the unknown but yet free!

 

I am open to any advise or friendship! This is hard to do alone, and it feels good to know we're not alone.

 

Thanks!

 

-Ashley

 

FYI - a couple things based on where I am.

 

1. I don't know what your husband makes but if you are legally married his income effects your eligibility for assistance, and your children's. Even though I had no job and no money when I left, and no education to get one, I couldn't receive any aid because my ex made 150k. (According to the people I contacted anyhow)

 

2. If you are a stay at home mom, he can be compelled to pay legal fees. Most attorneys offer a free consulation, at least go in for that. Also, in most area there is disadvantaged legal help. If he's been abusing you, consult a woman's advocacy group for help finding tihs.

 

 

You really should contact an organization - they usually can help abused women get a job, find legal help, etc etc.

 

Good luck. I know it's hard, esp knowing you have no right to your stepkids and lose a lot of time with even your children

[willowthewisp]

If your husband is being abusive, both sexually and emotionally I would take your avatar picture down, if someone sees it and tells him you could have a serious problem on your hands.

 

Also, make sure you delete your browsing history after coming on here.

 

If you go to the abuse board on here you will find details of women and children shelters and legal help on there from admin. I'm in the UK so unable to advise on what is available where you are.

[cowgirltuff]

Well, his first ex wife was able to get help and still is so I don't think his income will affect me.

 

I did go to a domestic hotline website and took one of their tests to see how bad the situation is and I scored the second highest score stating that I really need to consider getting out. I am thinking about calling them but am afriad to a little.

 

I use InPrivate browsing so he wont be able to find this place. And I have a spy ware thing on this computer that I can check to make sure he doesn't have any on here as well. You're right about the picture though, I doubt anyone he knows would be here but ya never know so I better change it!

 

I have no proof that he has ever abused me and I guess I am afraid he'll make me out to look like a liar. Even though his first ex wife claimed abuse as well. That should have been a much bigger red flag to me in the beginning!

[cmh2002]

If your husband is being abusive, both sexually and emotionally I would take your avatar picture down, if someone sees it and tells him you could have a serious problem on your hands.

 

Also, make sure you delete your browsing history after coming on here.

 

If you go to the abuse board on here you will find details of women and children shelters and legal help on there from admin. I'm in the UK so unable to advise on what is available where you are.

 

definately delete browsing history and take your picture down. I would have him sign a form stating you are seperated so you can get assistance for you and the kids. I would document everything with date and time. I would before you leave have the paperwork to file for temp custody and child support in hand and the day you leave hand in the paperwork. Im not swure but if you don't have the custody granted to you and he takes the kids for a visit and doesn't return them Im not sure there is anything they can do since technically neither of you would have temp custody and since ur married they would say he has every right to take them. If he is abusing you I would contact a woman's shelter and they can help you! They helped me when I left my ex husband and he abused me physically, sexually and mentally. If he does the phyiscal or sexual abuse again I would document it and call the cops if nothing else to have it on record. I did and I had my ex arrested for what he did to me.

[You Go Girl]

I live in your state and would talk to you if able, but you cannot receive personal messages until you have something like 30 or 40 posts on here.

 

None of us here are qualified to help specifically although you have been given some good information. But the women's abuse shelters deal with this specifically everyday. They are experts! They have heard your story--very similar--hundreds or thousands of times. Remember that these people are experts and professionals, and give them a call. If you need to, call them from a payphone because anybody that is that controlling is probably monitoring your communications.

 

You seem to have realized that he is controlling to an extreme, and I am glad that you are not questioning your own sanity, which is so very common in manipulative situations. Good for you! Don't question yourself. What you think is happening to you really is. Controlling abusive types are notorious for trying to put self-doubt into their victims along with destroying their self-esteem and respect.

 

Make the call today--there's no reason to wait--these people will help you even if you are not ready to leave yet. They expect that! They expect to hold the hand of the abused in order to help them gain confidence. This is one of the ways in which they are professionals at dealing with situations exactly like yours. Realize it is wonderful that in our free country there is an organization out there specifically designed to help people like yourself. Take advantage of what is free and there for you.

[cowgirltuff]

I live in your state and would talk to you if able, but you cannot receive personal messages until you have something like 30 or 40 posts on here.

 

None of us here are qualified to help specifically although you have been given some good information. But the women's abuse shelters deal with this specifically everyday. They are experts! They have heard your story--very similar--hundreds or thousands of times. Remember that these people are experts and professionals, and give them a call. If you need to, call them from a payphone because anybody that is that controlling is probably monitoring your communications.

 

You seem to have realized that he is controlling to an extreme, and I am glad that you are not questioning your own sanity, which is so very common in manipulative situations. Good for you! Don't question yourself. What you think is happening to you really is. Controlling abusive types are notorious for trying to put self-doubt into their victims along with destroying their self-esteem and respect.

 

Make the call today--there's no reason to wait--these people will help you even if you are not ready to leave yet. They expect that! They expect to hold the hand of the abused in order to help them gain confidence. This is one of the ways in which they are professionals at dealing with situations exactly like yours. Realize it is wonderful that in our free country there is an organization out there specifically designed to help people like yourself. Take advantage of what is free and there for you.

 

 

Thank you for saying all of that.

To be completely honest, it took me until just the other day to accept that this is abuse. I found the abuse hotline website by accident and took the quiz just for the heck of it. I didn't realize until I was sitting here reading those questions and realizing that these things are considered abuse that this is abuse. I felt a wave of shock come over me, I knew things were bad and I knew I didn't like what was going on - but I didn't see that this is abuse. Looking back and seeing all of the times I have cancelled plans with my sister because he didn't want me to go with her or see her, the lies I told her to cover for him so she wouldn't think of him as what he really is. For years I thought me not liking what he was doing to me sexually was just because "I must have issues" like he has always told me. I thought the problems were me, and while I will be the first to admit I do have problems and have screwed up at times like anyone has, these things AREN'T NORMAL, this isn't how a man should treat a woman, ever!

He still twists things and tries to make it seem like I am crazy that I am the one with the problem not him and because of that I am fighting so many mixed emotions but the girl that I was 6 years ago is still within me fighting this and saying "NO THIS IS NOT RIGHT!" That girl was strong and a fighter and would never let a man hurt her, that girl knew who she was and where she was going... she is still apart of me, I just need to find her again.

 

I will call the help center today. Thank you for the encouragment. It's easy to talk the talk, but it isn't so easy to walk the walk so all the support I can get is very helpful!

[You Go Girl]

You do it girl...I am here as your cheerleader, jumping up and down with pom poms in my hands, doing what I can to encourage you to care about yourself and not let him diminish you. You matter, you are loved, but not by him. Reach out to those who do love you without hurting you, your sister, and others.

Tell your sister everything. It is time to let the secret out. One thing that abusers very much count on is that they can keep the mouth shut of the person they are abusing. Simply telling your sister is helping yourself here, do you see that and realize it? Careful though, if she is the reactionary crazy type, then maybe she is not the best person to tell your story to.

Don't be too hard on yourself for not recognizing the abuse earlier. Abusers are expert manipulators and do everything within their power to make you question your own sanity so that you don't call them out on the truth.

Those abuse counselors are just that--women who have been there and want to do anything in their power to help those who are there now. The person who answers the phone has been where you are. That is why you need to talk to them--your sister is not an expert on this, but these people are. They know exactly what is happening and the correct methods of responding and reacting to it. They are you--in your future--witnessing somebody in their past situation--and they don't like seeing it repeated and women without means to help themselves. It is a true understanding and compassion.

Edited February 28, 2011 by You Go Girl

[dreamingoftigers]

Even if you just browse and call one of those 1-800 abuse hotlines to talk to someone about steps because it must be overwhelming.