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Im Controlling

Wondering75

By Wondering75
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Wondering75 New Member

Wondering75

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So here's the deal....Im controlling....I have seen it affect my relationship in the past....with this relationship the main issue's were that I would get upset when she wanted to hangout with her friends.....sometimes towards the end I wouldn't say anything but is she was later then she was suppose to be I would give her a hard time....this has lead to her feeling like she's living her life through me and that she's lost herself.....We lived together so I did try and help with the house as much as she needed and that took sometime but we got there on that.....I always complimented her, and tried to support her with her job as much as I could. She has moved out at this point. We tried still talking and hanging out after she moved out and of course there was 2 nights I gave her a hard time about and after the second she's had enough......So at this point she's saying she really needs time and space to pull herself back together so I suggested we touch base in a month she has agreed but did throw in that she doesn't want to put a real time limit on....My sister emailed her the other day without my knowledge and basicaly said I know my bother really has issues but he loves you more then I ever saw with anyone else and that my sister was there for comfort if she needed it...my ex/break partner responded basically saying will see what happens....We needed a break and Im not going to Mess with him I love you guys....So at this point it seems she does love me but Ive hurt her and built up some resentment.....At this point Im going to counsling for the way I am....and Ive started to do things to keep active during this time.... I know alot of women out there have had to deal with this and its a terriable thing to deal.....I am going to do everything in my power to move on from this...and let her feel she can be herself without feeling bad about it.....If anyone reads this I have a question do you think with giving her space and No Contact that after time we would be able to have a healthy relationship esp if I work on myself and work with a counsler? We are both in our mid thirties...we have been together for a year and 1/2 she moved in after a year of us dating

Edited by Wondering75
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depplover_1980 Established Member

depplover_1980

Posted
Posted

Hi Wondering,

 

Right, firstly congratulations on identifying you have some esteem and subsequent control issues. I would like to enquire as to the motivation and expected outcome of your therapy. Is this solely to save the relationship? Or are you doing this to be happier within yourself? Look truthfully inwards for the answer please.

 

I am sceptical and uncertain as to whether this current relationship can be salvaged. It depends how detached she has made herself from you and I sense it is quite a bit based on her not wanting to place any timeframe onto the break. You are going to literally have to focus on yourself and leave the rest to fate here!!!

 

I know it won't feel like it now, but this will turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened for you because:

 

1. You'll get back together and have a more balanced fulfilling relationship with good communication. Or...

 

2. You'll learn so much about yourself, be happy single and the next relationship you have will be a fresh start with you at your best.

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Wondering75 New Member

Wondering75

Posted
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Ill be honest its both.....I very curious as to why I act like that and loose control with my thinking and think of these crazy things that could be going on with her and its never even close to the truth so its frustrating for me to be like that and then realize Im a complete Jack Ass after words. And of course I hope she see's this as trying to change and do the right thing for the benifit of the relationship..As for I guess thats the question how disconnected is she....don't know I do know that the week before this happened was Valentines week and we spent the weekend at a nice dinner and room combo and had an awesome time and we had...had plans for the next weekend she was also looking fwd to until I lost it for no reason the fridaynight before.....and I asked her and she said"of course I love and miss you and that Ill be refusing all dates...I just hate to put a time limit on it we'll have to see i guess but I def need time and space"

 

 

Then I suggested maybe we talk once a week and this is what she stated "what I really want is some time of nothing. maybe a month 2 not think and worry then go from there. if we did the weekly thing I would still feel like i was living 4 u i need 2 be on my own 4 a bit.

 

I dont know if any of that sheds any like to how bad or not bad it is..

 

Thanks

For any input

Graceful Established Member

Graceful

Posted
Posted

Wondering,

 

I wrote to you in your other recent thread. Not sure if you went back to it, so I'd suggest you go find it and read the second part of my input to you.

 

I stand behind my original advice. This ship has sailed. She has issues that need to be resolved, and so do you. LOTS of issues. She jumped into a relationship with you after a 10-year abusive fiasco, and she needs to find herself. Frankly, I would not touch her with a ten foot pole, if I were you. Come here, go away, I need space, I need to find myself, I need this, I need that ... she's a walking, talking ball of confusion, and for a reason. She was in long term dysfunction and needs to get that out of her system. I don't think she will be ready for a relationship for a very long time.

 

Work on your issues and work on them for YOU. Leave her alone. That's what she needs, and that's what you need. Sorry. (and go back to your other thread as well ...) Take care.

 

 

Ill be honest its both.....I very curious as to why I act like that and loose control with my thinking and think of these crazy things that could be going on with her and its never even close to the truth so its frustrating for me to be like that and then realize Im a complete Jack Ass after words. And of course I hope she see's this as trying to change and do the right thing for the benifit of the relationship..As for I guess thats the question how disconnected is she....don't know I do know that the week before this happened was Valentines week and we spent the weekend at a nice dinner and room combo and had an awesome time and we had...had plans for the next weekend she was also looking fwd to until I lost it for no reason the fridaynight before.....and I asked her and she said"of course I love and miss you and that Ill be refusing all dates...I just hate to put a time limit on it we'll have to see i guess but I def need time and space"

 

Then I suggested maybe we talk once a week and this is what she stated "what I really want is some time of nothing. maybe a month 2 not think and worry then go from there. if we did the weekly thing I would still feel like i was living 4 u i need 2 be on my own 4 a bit.

 

I dont know if any of that sheds any like to how bad or not bad it is..

 

Thanks

For any input

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