Kelter82 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Not THAT question. How do you ask someone if they want to pursue a LDR? Me and this guy (who has a 2 year old boy) fell in love overseas… it took us FOREVER to say it out loud but we did (he told me first and I was shaking for a good fifteen minutes afterward. Probably the most intense love I’ve ever felt in my life). Now, I am back in Canada and he’s overseas. We haven’t spoken about whether we want to pursue. We’ll say things like “GD ocean” and express to each other how inconvenient this all is. We tell each other how much we wish they were here and all that jazz… But we’ve never said “so where do we go from here?” The closest we’ve come to this was essentially me saying “We could make it work… it’d be hard but we could try” to which he said “True, but are you ready to have a stepson in your life?” (This wasn’t an insult, just a question.) We did come to a consensus that we’d “let the dust settle” and decide what to do in time. At that time, the plan was for him to come see me in July, which he still is. Now, though, he’s coming in April as well (see: ecstatic). There are so many things standing in the way of my going there. Now, mind you, I’m not thinking we hop into a relationship and BAM I move over there. No no no. But it’s something to think about, how to overcome those challenges. I would be the one who, if it all worked out right, would be leaving my beautiful province, my family, and my friends. I get the feeling he’s VERY aware of this and consequently does not bring up the possibility of a relationship too often. But then neither do I, because I don’t want to force myself on him. I think we both want a relationship, but I don’t know if he’s willing to be LD for a while. He is spending a good chunk of change to come see me TWICE before August (probably totally $2400 in flights alone) so he can’t be completely disinterested or unconvinced… Do I ask him what he’s thinking in terms of a relationship? And if so… how?
madjac74 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 It sounds to me like you guys are in a relationship but you just want that label slapped on it (bf/gf). Is that correct? I think the fact he is making two long trips there is a big level of committment. I doubt most people invest that much if it were just a fling. And the fact that he asked if you want a "stepson" in your life would imply marriage. Its just a freudian slip but it sounds like he is considering you in his long term future. I would definitely discuss your future with him during his visit in april.
Author Kelter82 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 My thoughts exactly on the attempt to avoid labels. I think we're both scared of getting too close in case it doesn't work out, but we also can't seem to stay away from one another. Just when I think he might be drifting (he doesn't have internet anymore so communication has been less frequent) he sends me a text out of nowhere telling me he loves me and misses me. I was pretty rocked by the 'stepson' question as well, mainly because it was so genuine and point-blank honest. I'm also a little afraid he'll think I'm needy or clingy if I ask whether we pursue... but looking at it logically instead of emotionally it's a sound question to ask. Otherwise... what are we doing? This is all so weird to me... so unfamiliar... I think you're right... I probably should ask... he might even beat me to it.
creighton0123 Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 My thoughts exactly on the attempt to avoid labels. I think we're both scared of getting too close in case it doesn't work out, but we also can't seem to stay away from one another. Isn't that the risk you always have to take in any romantic relationship? If you both want to take that risk, why not take it? Distance aside, the question is still the same. Risk heartbreak for the chance of something very good - or go your own way. I've always erred on the side of risk.
folieadeux Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Sounds to me like you're already in a relationship. If you want to define boundaries, etc...just ask! Sounds to me like you'll get a very positive response from your SO. For me and my boyfriend, it just happened naturally and it sounds like you're on the same path.
Author Kelter82 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Posted March 1, 2011 Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. It's nice to hear some optimism. It's a scary thing to ask, really, but I keep reminding myself he would not be flying to Canada TWICE if he didn't at least want to consider it.
TandyCarelb Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I was searching about this as well. Would like see more thoughts about this issue from you guys.
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