Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 If my partner wanted his ex back then I would say stop seeing her because I'm not comfortable with it. I don't think my partner's ex wants him back, I've never got that impression, I do however think she might resent me a bit because she doesn't like me setting boundaries for their r/ship, also if she did want him back in the future then I'm standing in her way. I just can't bear their emotional attachment to each other as close friends and ex lovers. I think the counselor will help. I have mentioned I have anxiety and panic attacks. so, I already have a counselor and helps much. Elswyth, just wanted to clear up the reason I have requested the absolutely no contact because it was hidden from me. I would not expect if they were at a party to avoid eachother. But, they do not mingle in the same circle of friends at all. An accidental seeing, of course would talk. But more than that would be effort. And she is or was trying to get him back. good luck with the counselor, hope helps you
heartshaped Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 If my partner wanted his ex back then I would say stop seeing her because I'm not comfortable with it. I don't think my partner's ex wants him back, I've never got that impression, I do however think she might resent me a bit because she doesn't like me setting boundaries for their r/ship, also if she did want him back in the future then I'm standing in her way. I just can't bear their emotional attachment to each other as close friends and ex lovers. Did you go and see the counselor yet OP or is that later today? Are you getting any clearer on the situation and what you feel you should do?
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Yes the counsellor helped me sort my thoughts/feeling out about his ex, just needed to hear a therapist confirm that I'm not being unreasonable, she thought I've been very tolerant so far. I realised I was thinking it's easier to just walk away because telling him about it will give him the opportunity to leave me if he feels resentful and chooses his ex's friendship over our r/ship, and I feel I can't handle that, because I've still got insecurities from my LTR leaving me in 2009 and I don't want to be left again right now. I'd rather leave him than be left. Gutless of me I know. But I will tell him in an email, without accusing him as such, will just say how I feel and how I've tried to be ok with it but I'm not. I also said he's not quite as attentive as he used to be and she said it's probably as he is so sure of you now and I said I need as much attention from his ever and always will, I don't want it to wear off! We've not been together a year yet and only met 7 times. I've said to him before I don't want us to take each other for granted as there are no guarantees with r/ships as we both know after being left after very LTR's by the people we thought we'd always be with. I feel he's more secure in our r/ship because I'm more forthcoming with how I feel, I think when he used to be more forthcoming with me, saying he missed me etc, which he doesn't say so much now, I felt reassured and now he's so sure of us he doesn't say these things so much, if he did then I would cope better with the ex situation as I would feel so reassured about us that I wouldn't care so much about her. The counsellor agreed when I said maybe I'm too readily available and that maybe I should back off a bit and let him come to me, I said isn't that game playing, and she said no, that's easy for partners to take each other for granted and it's ok to give them the space to come to you sometimes, so they don't take you so much for granted. She also said it sounds like on the whole you are really happy together and how about listing all the positives as well.
sunrise28 Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Hi I've been following your thread avidly because you seem to be in the similar situation to myself. I wanted to follow your thoughts and how you are dealing with things. I've been with my partner nearly 3 years this June and lately my anxieties have really come to a head. Which has been affecting my health. I am struggling with how is is with his ex ( he lives with her still as they are in negative equity on their house, so can't sell. I understand this , but it doesn't make it any easier knowing they are living together and will be untill they sell. So I appreciate she would want her share of the house. However my gut ahs never felt comfortable with the situation, despite how much he says he loves and wants me. I just can't seem to escape my anxieties. I've told him till i'm blue in the face, which he understands. Yet there is just sometihng wrong I can sense it. I've been to the house numerous times, and she is always miserable and cold towards me, rarely talks. He is also quiet. i don't know, the atmosphere is always a cold one. I'll continue following your threads. Love and light x
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Hi I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds even worse than mine There was a time a few months ago he said she might move back in if she has nowhere else to live, and I said that wouldn't work for me, that it would restrict us more than we already are, he did admit it would be weird and awkward, but he said she works away a lot and that we'd be ok. I don't think she will move back in now anyway as she's not needing to, but if he lets her then he means he's disregarded what I said about it and I would think he's put her before me, that would be the last straw for me and I wouldn't stick around. I haven't made it clear enough to him yet that I'm not happy with the current situation. If I thought his ex wanted him back I would have to tell him I wasn't happy with it, I don't feel that she does want him back, but I do think there is maybe some resentment towards me as she knows it was me who wasn't happy with their bed sharing months back, I also think she wants him to be single just in case she ever wanted him back, she cried when he first told her we might be more than friends when we first met face to face. She has the ideal r/ship with him now as she's not really into sex, so she's got things exactly as she wants now, and he has the best of both worlds, he can do everything with his ex except have sex, and he has me to have sex with, he'd be upset if I said that as it implies we are just sexual partners, which isn't true, we are much more than that, but it just feels like she's the gf sometimes and I'm the sexual partner. I don't feel they want each other back, but their emotional dependence and closeness gets to me. I've never worried he would cheat on me, he's not the type. It's pretty stunning that your partner and his ex still live in the same house after 3 years, you've been extremely patient and tolerant! Is there really no way one of them could rent somewhere, or get a tenant in while one of them moves out until it's sold? And surely she could leave you to it and give you space when you go to visit him, after all they're not partners so she doesn't have to come and eat with you or cramp your style. That would really get to me if she was being cold towards me, ugh! It's great you've told him how you feel, I haven't been assertive enough. Keep posting! Hi I've been following your thread avidly because you seem to be in the similar situation to myself. I wanted to follow your thoughts and how you are dealing with things. I've been with my partner nearly 3 years this June and lately my anxieties have really come to a head. Which has been affecting my health. I am struggling with how is is with his ex ( he lives with her still as they are in negative equity on their house, so can't sell. I understand this , but it doesn't make it any easier knowing they are living together and will be untill they sell. So I appreciate she would want her share of the house. However my gut ahs never felt comfortable with the situation, despite how much he says he loves and wants me. I just can't seem to escape my anxieties. I've told him till i'm blue in the face, which he understands. Yet there is just sometihng wrong I can sense it. I've been to the house numerous times, and she is always miserable and cold towards me, rarely talks. He is also quiet. i don't know, the atmosphere is always a cold one. I'll continue following your threads. Love and light x
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 He's been really sweet the last few days, which made me delay things even more Until he called last night, and I hoped she wasnt there, and then I said "what are you doing tomorrow?" and he said "we're going to..." And I felt it was the last straw, so the email is written, but can't send it until tomorrow or Monday as I don't want her to be there when he reads it, I don't want her poking her nose in. I'm so on edge it's horrible. I'm wondering if she's moved back in and working away in the week, which is how they lived for a while when they were together. If she has, then he hasn't admitted that to me, because I said a while ago if she moves back in then it won't work for me.
Els Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I really hope you send the email on Monday instead of delaying it further. I would recommend a phone/voice convo instead if possible, but whatever works for you. Best of luck!
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 Thanks Elswyth! I agree a voice convo would be better, it's just I've tried to say it so many times and the words won't come if he wants us to be ok then he will call me about it. I will send it tomorrow if she's gone. I will definitely be sending it as I've got more and more unhappy, so it's got to the point I don't feel so strongly for him now as this stuff with his ex is obliterating it, I've tried to be ok with it for a long time and I'm not, so this r/ship isn't working for me. I cant continue with it if it stays like this. It will really upset and p*** me off if he chooses her f/ship over our r/ship, and I just know she'll be rubbing her hands in glee, ugh. I always said I'd never come between their f/ship but it's actually her coming between us. Our r/ship is easier for him because he still has her company and still feels needed and loved by her, I've said that in the email as well. Also telling him again that I find it hard that he never talks about the future now, he apologised about that before but it hasn't changed, I would feel more reassured if he did, might even find his ex bearable as I'd think it's temporary but as he never talks about the future anymore it feels like this situ with his ex will go on forever, also want him to admit he will delay moving while she's still there. I'm so p***** off now, but I've not written a ranting/accusing email as it won't help and it's not my style. I really hope you send the email on Monday instead of delaying it further. I would recommend a phone/voice convo instead if possible, but whatever works for you. Best of luck!
sammyd Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Good luck HOH, and i'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. It's a horrible situation to be in. ((hugs))
folieadeux Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Keep us updated HOH...hope you're getting some closure on this situation...
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Thank you. I don't know how things are to be honest. He read the email last night and we talked on msn, at first he said he didn't know what I wanted him to say and did I still want to see him. Basically I said it would help if he just saw his ex once a month and he agreed to that with no problem, I said but there's no point if you'd resent me and said he wouldn't resent me, and put a smiley face. We talked about how I feel upset that he feels pressured if I mention the future/him moving, this actually feels like a bigger issue than his ex at the moment, the only times I've mentioned him moving is in relation to the fact he never talks about it to me except for when he first came up with the idea early in our r/ship, and I said it was too early then and I felt pressured into talking about it, but when I came around to the idea he said we don't have to talk about it endlessly, and just takes it as pressure from me. I've never pressured him into giving a moving date or anything like that, I talk about it purely because it's a problem *because* he is reluctant to talk about it, which makes me feel he's changed his mind. I said to him last night it seems to be in your imagination I'm pressuring you and he said yes maybe. He says he just doesn't feel the need to talk about it like I do,and that it doesn't mean he doesn't think about it or has changed his mind. I said it makes the r/ship harder as out future seems unreal if it's never talked about, makes it seem like we'll always be LD. I think he basically puts things to one side until nearer the time, he does this with us meeting as well, I'll say I'm looking forward to it and he's more like he'll look forward to when it gets to a few days before. Also, he is stressed about moving so doesn't want to worry about it yet, I guess. I don't know, he hasn't given a solid reason as to why he doesn't talk about it, just says he doesn't feel the need to, he says he feels like I want to be all chatty about it and making plans, which is true to some extent, I don't want to pin him down about details of it but yes I'd like to be able to talk about with him and look forward to it, I think he just doesn't really look ahead too much with things like that. I need to realise that just because he goes about things a bit differently doesn't mean he doesn't care as much. I was taking it to mean he can take or leave whether we ever live closer, just cos he doesn't express things the same way. I don't know if him not talking about it hides a bigger issue or if it's just as he says; that he doesn't feel the need to talk about it. He said a couple of times maybe we should have a break cos if I'm unhappy then it makes him unhappy and worried. He's not sure him seeing less of his ex will make things better as i still find the distance hard and that will still be a problem, but I said I find the distance easier now but it's harder cos of his ex. He also said she will be moving away at some point but that it's not an immediate solution. I think now he's slept on it he will resent me asking him to see less of her, although he understood while I feel the way I do. He sees he feels like he regularly gets emails from me with stuff I'm not happy about, so maybe we should have a break if I'm not happy, as it makes him unhappy too But it's always the same 2 things which I bring up again as they're not resolved. I apologised for not just talking to him about it but letting it build up into a long email every so often. He agreed we're both s*** at communication. I want to try communicating better, but maybe he's given up now, I don't know, he didn't reply to my text earlier, but might just be in a work meeting, also he's not online at work which is unusual, (hiding from me maybe) so maybe that's it. We both said we want to give things a try but don't know if it's possible to work things out. I think both of us are torn between trying and giving up
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Feeling much more hopeful now after talking to him earlier, I think things will be ok
folieadeux Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I think that maybe talking over the phone or through webcam would help you guys out a bit more. I hate having serious discussions over text only so, if it's at all possible for you two to swing, I think trying that would improve things and lessen the confusion a bit. If you really think he may resent you for your perfectly reasonable requests, then I would have to question this relationship. It's not about you not being able to handle the distance -- him effectively living with his ex is continually ruining things. I don't know anyone that would be completely happy in this situation and you've endured so much more than anyone would at this point. Being in an LDR and not having an end date is hard enough. Add her into the mix and you've got a recipe for unhappiness. I truly hope that he's made some sort of effort to make things better for you because you deserve it. Without him cutting off contact with her at some level, I just don't see that happening; it's not healthy for anyone involved.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 He's not sure him seeing less of his ex will make things better as i still find the distance hard and that will still be a problem, but I said I find the distance easier now but it's harder cos of his ex. He also said she will be moving away at some point but that it's not an immediate solution. from what i see, he's saying that the relationship's success is up to you -- by accepting the distance issue. but what that really says is, he is shifting the issue to your distance issues rather than the real issue -- his attachment to his ex. he is not gonna give her up. and i feel really sorry for your situation, you shouldn't be struggling fighting for attention with her. because you are the girlfriend, not her! it's like he is using her as a proxy girlfriend because she is available. he is also making you feel guilty for bringing up this problem. there's nothing wrong with saying what you feel and it's clearly not a petty issue. please don't let him to continue disrespecting you and make him face the real issue. it takes two to tango. if he's not willing to dance with you, you cannot make this relationship work.
heartshaped Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Basically I said it would help if he just saw his ex once a month and he agreed to that with no problem. That is a relief to read and I hope he sticks to it and doesn't continue to let her come over so much. We talked about how I feel upset that he feels pressured if I mention the future/him moving, this actually feels like a bigger issue than his ex at the moment, the only times I've mentioned him moving is in relation to the fact he never talks about it to me except for when he first came up with the idea early in our r/ship, and I said it was too early then and I felt pressured into talking about it, but when I came around to the idea he said we don't have to talk about it endlessly, and just takes it as pressure from me. As for the moving issue, have the two of you even set an abstract idea of when the he could move? I think that's the issue isn't it? He's never really said when he would feel the move would be possible. I think in all LDR you need to at least have some abstract idea. Saying in two years and then continuing to say in two years isn't helping you. It'd be better for you both if he could just say by 2013 or in 2012.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 He agreed straight away when I asked him to see her once a month instead of every weekend, and he said he wouldn't resent me when I said he might, he said he understood why I felt that way, he in no way made me feel bad about it. I didn't ask him to give her up, I asked him to see her once a month. I'm not sure why you thought he was making me feel guilty about it? from what i see, he's saying that the relationship's success is up to you -- by accepting the distance issue. but what that really says is, he is shifting the issue to your distance issues rather than the real issue -- his attachment to his ex. he is not gonna give her up. and i feel really sorry for your situation, you shouldn't be struggling fighting for attention with her. because you are the girlfriend, not her! it's like he is using her as a proxy girlfriend because she is available. he is also making you feel guilty for bringing up this problem. there's nothing wrong with saying what you feel and it's clearly not a petty issue. please don't let him to continue disrespecting you and make him face the real issue. it takes two to tango. if he's not willing to dance with you, you cannot make this relationship work.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 At some point next year he will start planning it. The issue was that he never talks about it so it makes it feel unreal, this became almost a bigger problem than his ex for me. He was in a good mood when we talked last night and made reference to living here without me mentioning it, and said he's sorry he doesn't talk about it more. That's what I need to hear, just references to it sometimes. I need to be able to accept that he's not vocal about things, but it doesn't mean he doesn't think things just because he doesn't always say, it doesn't mean he cares less just because he's not as expressive as me. Going about things in a different way doesn't mean they love you any less. Maybe in time I still won't be able to handle him not vocalising things, but we said we would both try to communicate better. I need to say things rather than letting it build up into a big email, that's why he worried I wasn't happy because I let it all out in emails every so often and it looks to him like he's not making me happy. As for the moving issue, have the two of you even set an abstract idea of when the he could move? I think that's the issue isn't it? He's never really said when he would feel the move would be possible. I think in all LDR you need to at least have some abstract idea. Saying in two years and then continuing to say in two years isn't helping you. It'd be better for you both if he could just say by 2013 or in 2012.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 He agreed straight away when I asked him to see her once a month instead of every weekend, and he said he wouldn't resent me when I said he might, he said he understood why I felt that way, he in no way made me feel bad about it. I didn't ask him to give her up, I asked him to see her once a month. I'm not sure why you thought he was making me feel guilty about it? you having to apologize for bringing the issue He sees he feels like he regularly gets emails from me with stuff I'm not happy about nobody wants negativity, right...but if it's a real issue that should be resolved and not wait for things to get worse before doing something. are you really sure that once a month (of seeing his ex) would really put you at ease or are you just bending backwards so you won't lose him? plus i really think you are pretty fine with your communication with him, he's the one who's ignoring your serious requests previously.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 I've told him several times I'm finding the distance hard, whether his ex is involved or not, I was really struggling with the distance, then I got to the point a few weeks ago I felt much more at ease with it, got more used to it and time between visits went more quickly, but then the situation with his ex got worse again as she started spending more time with him again and this made the distance feel too hard again. It worried him that I couldn't handle the distance because he thought this r/ship wasn't making me happy because of the distance, when we talked about this over the months, the ex wasn't a big issue at the time as she had backed off at that point to some extent, so the distance was the problem for a while and he didn't want me to be miserable. He didn't make feel guilty for saying I wasn't happy about the ex, he agreed to see less of her straight away. Maybe I didn't word my email on here properly, but I didn't imply he made me feel guilty the other night for bringing the subject about his ex up, maybe I didn't word things right as it had been a difficult chat as we were worried the other wasn't happy and would want out. We should have done it on the phone really, he'd have been happy to but I find it so hard to tell anybody how I feel when I've got problems which are to do with them. From where I'm standing he's not disrespecting me now I've spelt out exactly how I feel, last time I emailed him about her a few weeks ago I didn't say what I wanted, I even said 'I'm not saying anything needs to change', so it didn't, but it is now, and if he goes back on that then he will be disrespecting me. from what i see, he's saying that the relationship's success is up to you -- by accepting the distance issue. but what that really says is, he is shifting the issue to your distance issues rather than the real issue -- his attachment to his ex. he is not gonna give her up. and i feel really sorry for your situation, you shouldn't be struggling fighting for attention with her. because you are the girlfriend, not her! it's like he is using her as a proxy girlfriend because she is available. he is also making you feel guilty for bringing up this problem. there's nothing wrong with saying what you feel and it's clearly not a petty issue. please don't let him to continue disrespecting you and make him face the real issue. it takes two to tango. if he's not willing to dance with you, you cannot make this relationship work.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 He wasn't making me feel I have to apologise, he's always said he want to know if I'm ever unhappy even if I worry it will upset him, he's said that to me many times. I apologise to people because I'm unassertive with low self esteem, he does it too. I dont give him the chance to resolve things if I'm not speaking to him about it, I let it build up and he has no idea what's going on in my head until I email him. I've not asked him to change things with his ex before. But he has said a few weeks ago he'll talk about the future more and that didn't happen, so I'll see if that changes now, he did talk about it last night which was really nice. I am ok with him seeing her once a month, I see my ex as well, it would be double standards if I said stop all contact, that's not what I want, I would feel petty asking him that, I don't have a problem with being friends, I have a problem with the amount of time they spent together. you having to apologize for bringing the issue nobody wants negativity, right...but if it's a real issue that should be resolved and not wait for things to get worse before doing something. are you really sure that once a month (of seeing his ex) would really put you at ease or are you just bending backwards so you won't lose him? plus i really think you are pretty fine with your communication with him, he's the one who's ignoring your serious requests previously.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 I'm not sure why people are saying he resents me? I said to him there's no point in him seeing less of her if he'll resent me and he said he wouldn't resent me. He made no fuss at all about seeing less of her, he was very accommodating. We've talked over the phone now too. For a long time it was just the distance I was having problems with, as she had backed off for a while, and wasn't an issue, and he was worried the distance wasn't making me happy, because I kept saying the distance was getting to me and he was reacting to that. I am happy that he will only see her once a month now, if he doesn't stick to that or does appear to resent me then obviously there's still problems. I think that maybe talking over the phone or through webcam would help you guys out a bit more. I hate having serious discussions over text only so, if it's at all possible for you two to swing, I think trying that would improve things and lessen the confusion a bit. If you really think he may resent you for your perfectly reasonable requests, then I would have to question this relationship. It's not about you not being able to handle the distance -- him effectively living with his ex is continually ruining things. I don't know anyone that would be completely happy in this situation and you've endured so much more than anyone would at this point. Being in an LDR and not having an end date is hard enough. Add her into the mix and you've got a recipe for unhappiness. I truly hope that he's made some sort of effort to make things better for you because you deserve it. Without him cutting off contact with her at some level, I just don't see that happening; it's not healthy for anyone involved.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 okay, i don't know why you are justifying his behavior? but you know him more than we do, and you know yourself better if you will be able to handle this or not.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 What am I justifying? He's willingly agreed to make changes. And where did I say he resents me? Yes, I know him, and trust him. Time will tell if he makes changes and if it will help or not, maybe even after changes I still won't be able to handle the distance. okay, i don't know why you are justifying his behavior? but you know him more than we do, and you know yourself better if you will be able to handle this or not.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 No-one's said it's great that he straight away said he'd see less of his ex when I asked him to (I've never asked him to before). Am I missing something here? You're all acting like he said he won't make changes and that he'll resent me for asking.
LittleTiger Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 No-one's said it's great that he straight away said he'd see less of his ex when I asked him to (I've never asked him to before). Am I missing something here? You're all acting like he said he won't make changes and that he'll resent me for asking. HOH, for what it's worth, I think it's great. I think you've made really good progress and you should be proud of yourself for speaking up and asking for your needs to be met. You got your point across to him and he has promised to make some changes. That's a big step forward - well done. Although you've given a fair amount of information here, nobody knows either you or your partner personally and nobody knows every word of your conversation, so it's difficult for other's to assess what's actually happening. I think everyone is giving their opinion based on their understanding of your situation which, for most, is not complete. That isn't your fault, or theirs, it just isn't possible on a forum like this to explain everything in detail. Give yourself a pat on the back and be happy with what you've achieved in the past few days. What you're best doing now is waiting to see if your partner follows through with his promises and, if/when he does, take notice of how much better you feel about your relationship. If you're still struggling as much as you have in the past then it's time to take a good long look at whether this relationship is right for you. If, as I hope will be the case, the changes your partner makes result in you feeling much happier and able to cope with the distance, then I'd say you're on to a good thing. You've said that you both have self-esteem issues etc, which is bound to make a relationship harder, especially in the beginning, but you seem like lovely people to me and I've got my fingers crossed for you.
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