Crunch time

[HeavenOrHell]

I can't do this for nearly 2 more years, actually it would probably be more than 2 years as he'll be stressed about moving and will delay it.

I feel I could cope with the distance if he weren't with his ex most w/ends, I told him how I feel a few weeks ago and he was very understanding and has made more time for me while she is there, but for the last week my stomach has been in a tight knot because her being there makes everything worse, I feel if she wasn't there so much then I could deal with the distance, but her being there rubs in how much I miss him and how I feel they will remain closer than me and him are, he denies that's he not closer to her just cos there's a lot.

I don't know how to say this to him (again) without him resenting it, it sounds selfish if I say please see less of her because I'm jealous, cos I want him to be happy too and why should he be alone at w/ends for my sake? My ex said rather than say that, how about saying I need more contact for this to work and that I love the contact we have at w/ends when she's not there.

I also feel he won't think seriously about moving unless she backs off or moves away, she was going to move a long way away but looks like she won't now and why should our r/ship depend on what she does.

I'm forcing my feelings down because I don't know what the hell to say.

I'm thinking it's easier to just leave them to it and walk away.

I feel I need reassurance from him, which would help, but he's quite closed emotionally, but I cant ask him for it, it's like asking someone to buy you flowers (whats't he point if they didn't think of it?).

I'm confused with how I feel as I felt so happy and secure when we were together earlier this month and really felt things were going so well, and he said he'd be happy for me to stay indefinitely when I was leaving, so now I'm not sure if I'm just letting my anxiety run riot and ruin what we have, because we do have something really special. I suffer with anxiety and do catastrophise about a lot of things/look at things negatively.

Why can't I focus more on the positives about us, there are loads more positives than negatives.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for LDR's, I thought I was coping better with the distance, but it's worse than ever now and I think it's just cos of his ex being there so much, plus he's not been quite so available cos of work stress.

It's not like I'm not busy with work and friends either, I have a busy life, but there's a hole there a lot of the time because he's not here.

If I say anything he'll think I'm pressuring him to move more quickly, but it's not that, it's too early for him to move, I don't want that yet.

I want to be free of all this stress.

Feels like I'm screaming inside but have my hand over my mouth stifling it.

I love him and he loves me, but it's like one of my LS friends said, my needs aren't being met. I just find it hard to say to him I need more contact or to say I can't handle his ex being there so much, because I feel I shouldn't have to ask him, me asking for it takes the joy out of it, he wouldn't be doing it because he needs or wants it too.

He doesn't seem to need as much contact as me and nothing will change that, I think he doesn't need as much contact as he feels more secure about our r/ship than I do, (cos I give more than he does maybe, plus don't spend a lot of time with my ex) also he is more of a loner and happy with his own company.

I'm on the verge of leaving him

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm going to see a r/ship counsellor about it on wednesday and try and work out what to do.

[heartshaped]

I don't like to encourage people to end their relationships because you never know the full story of things just from hearing one person's account especially when it is someone you don't know well, but HOH, you need to end this or at least, face the fact that you are unhappy with the situation.

 

You are a very unselfish person. You put other people's feelings before your own rather often and I also get the feeling that love means a lot to you. Nothing is wrong with that, but you are in a relationship with a man that isn't putting your feelings before his. So this is what is happening: you aren't putting yourself first and he isn't putting you first...so where exactly do you come in?

 

You shouldn't have to tell him not to have his ex over on weekends. It's obvious and disrespectful to you, but he isn't thinking about how you feel, he's thinking about how he feels, and how his ex feels. Saying not to have his ex over on weekends is not at all meaning that he has to sit at home alone. He could spend that time talking to you or socializing with his friends. There are literally billions of other people on the planet besides his ex.

 

But let's face this as well, you know this isn't right or fair to you. You know your needs are not being met and that your needs aren't unreasonable. You won't cut him loose because you 'love' him. Love is a wonderful thing, but it isn't all it takes for two people to be happy in a relationship together. If it was, the world would be a far different place.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks heartshaped.

I've not actually asked him to change anything, in fact when I told him how I felt, I stupidly said I'm not saying I want you to change anything.

I guess I should spell it out for him and tell him exactly how I feel, which I've only done to a certain extent so far, and give him the chance to put things right before deciding whether to leave him.

[Els]

Thanks heartshaped.

I've not actually asked him to change anything, in fact when I told him how I felt, I stupidly said I'm not saying I want you to change anything.

I guess I should spell it out for him and tell him exactly how I feel, which I've only done to a certain extent so far, and give him the chance to put things right before deciding whether to leave him.

 

I agree completely.

[madjac74]

Thanks heartshaped.

I've not actually asked him to change anything, in fact when I told him how I felt, I stupidly said I'm not saying I want you to change anything.

I guess I should spell it out for him and tell him exactly how I feel, which I've only done to a certain extent so far, and give him the chance to put things right before deciding whether to leave him.

 

I agree too! If you are considering a breakup, you might as well spill the beans on how you feel. If you still breakup then at least you know that you put everything on the table and you dont have to wonder later if saying something would have fixed it

[mitchell]

What have you got to lose? Let your feelings out and lay it all on the table. This does not seem like a healthy way to have a loving relationship. There's just too much time and uncertainty involved. You deserve better, now.

[creighton0123]

Thanks heartshaped.

I've not actually asked him to change anything, in fact when I told him how I felt, I stupidly said I'm not saying I want you to change anything.

I guess I should spell it out for him and tell him exactly how I feel, which I've only done to a certain extent so far, and give him the chance to put things right before deciding whether to leave him.

 

Seriously. You're withholding things from your partner regarding how you feel about the relationship. If you can't be upfront, honest, and rational in discussing how you're feeling, does that sound like an ultimately healthy relationship?

 

Come clean. You might find that you learn a thing or two about him in the process. You might not like the outcome, but at least you can stay or walk away knowing you put all of the cards on the table.

[folieadeux]

If you're seriously considering ending this, you might as well sit down with your SO and tell him exactly what's been going on in your head. Every last bit of it -- just be honest. Your relationship deserves that regardless of the outcome.

 

I agree with the fact that your needs aren't being met. It's frustrating as hell to know that your SO doesn't realize how his relationship with his ex is affecting you and that he won't proactively do anything about it on his own. I'm mad just reading some of this, but unfortunately some people are really thick-headed and just need everything spelled out for them word for word.

 

To me, it just seems as if you're doing all of the work to keep this going, which isn't fair to you. This doesn't have anything to do with you not being able to handle the distance so please stop beating yourself up. You've been able to cope with more than most would be able to endure that's for sure. This situation goes deeper than the distance. If you lived together right now, I have to wonder if all of these issues would still be there.

Edited March 1, 2011 by folieadeux

[Citizen Erased]

Are you willing and capable of carrying this through to the possible end of your relationship?

 

I hope so. You are a wonderful woman, your patience and loyalty is wonderful to see in a person. It's hard seeing you not getting all that you deserve.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

Thanks heartshaped.

I've not actually asked him to change anything, in fact when I told him how I felt, I stupidly said I'm not saying I want you to change anything.

I guess I should spell it out for him and tell him exactly how I feel, which I've only done to a certain extent so far, and give him the chance to put things right before deciding whether to leave him.

 

you really do not need to say anything for him to stop seeing his ex, he has to do it because he wants to, it's disrespectful to you, and your boundaries are being crossed.

 

if you don't have an exit plan when the boundary is crossed, then he's just gonna continue seeing his ex.

 

it's time to give yourself some respect and move on. i know it's easier said than done but you deserve more than that.

[hoping2heal]

I can't do this for nearly 2 more years, actually it would probably be more than 2 years as he'll be stressed about moving and will delay it.

I feel I could cope with the distance if he weren't with his ex most w/ends, I told him how I feel a few weeks ago and he was very understanding and has made more time for me while she is there, but for the last week my stomach has been in a tight knot because her being there makes everything worse, I feel if she wasn't there so much then I could deal with the distance, but her being there rubs in how much I miss him and how I feel they will remain closer than me and him are, he denies that's he not closer to her just cos there's a lot.

I don't know how to say this to him (again) without him resenting it, it sounds selfish if I say please see less of her because I'm jealous, cos I want him to be happy too and why should he be alone at w/ends for my sake? My ex said rather than say that, how about saying I need more contact for this to work and that I love the contact we have at w/ends when she's not there.

I also feel he won't think seriously about moving unless she backs off or moves away, she was going to move a long way away but looks like she won't now and why should our r/ship depend on what she does.

I'm forcing my feelings down because I don't know what the hell to say.

I'm thinking it's easier to just leave them to it and walk away.

I feel I need reassurance from him, which would help, but he's quite closed emotionally, but I cant ask him for it, it's like asking someone to buy you flowers (whats't he point if they didn't think of it?).

I'm confused with how I feel as I felt so happy and secure when we were together earlier this month and really felt things were going so well, and he said he'd be happy for me to stay indefinitely when I was leaving, so now I'm not sure if I'm just letting my anxiety run riot and ruin what we have, because we do have something really special. I suffer with anxiety and do catastrophise about a lot of things/look at things negatively.

Why can't I focus more on the positives about us, there are loads more positives than negatives.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for LDR's, I thought I was coping better with the distance, but it's worse than ever now and I think it's just cos of his ex being there so much, plus he's not been quite so available cos of work stress.

It's not like I'm not busy with work and friends either, I have a busy life, but there's a hole there a lot of the time because he's not here.

If I say anything he'll think I'm pressuring him to move more quickly, but it's not that, it's too early for him to move, I don't want that yet.

I want to be free of all this stress.

Feels like I'm screaming inside but have my hand over my mouth stifling it.

I love him and he loves me, but it's like one of my LS friends said, my needs aren't being met. I just find it hard to say to him I need more contact or to say I can't handle his ex being there so much, because I feel I shouldn't have to ask him, me asking for it takes the joy out of it, he wouldn't be doing it because he needs or wants it too.

He doesn't seem to need as much contact as me and nothing will change that, I think he doesn't need as much contact as he feels more secure about our r/ship than I do, (cos I give more than he does maybe, plus don't spend a lot of time with my ex) also he is more of a loner and happy with his own company.

I'm on the verge of leaving him

 

Quite Frankly, if allowing him to see his ex would be what made my BF happy that would really be all the clues from the universe I would need to know this is not the right RS for him. It is one thing to have friends, but there are appropriate and inappropriate adult relationships. This is not highschool or an episode of Saved By the Bell where we we all go out for hamburgers at The Max with our exes and everything is just so damn skippy.

 

Of course him and hers relationship is affecting you, You do all of the twisty pretzel bend to accomodate the two of them because that is his priority. It is a blatant smack in the face to you.

 

In adult RS we do not make BFFs with the opposite sex when we are in a comitted relationship with someone else. Some will cry foul, and say how narrow minded that is and intruding on someones freedom. Yeah, if you want freedom have all of it you want, just not when you are in a committed adult relationship. You make sacrifices and give up certain things you would otherwise do if you were not in a RS. Granted, some people still try to get away with them and it is always at the pain and dismay of their partner.

[heartshaped]

HOH, I've followed your posts about your SO for as long as I've been on the board. If it was just this one issue, I'd say talk to him about it, tell him what you need from him, and see how he responds. But at the end of the day it just isn't this one issue with him is it?

 

For goodness sakes he was sharing a bed with this woman until you said you were uncomfortable with it and even then his first response to that left something to be desired. No one is that naive or thick headed and if they are they don't deserve a woman of your caliber.

 

No, I don't think he's cheating on you with her, but I do think he still has some emotional attachment to her. Whether he's in love with her or not, I can't say, but it's unhealthy to be that close to someone that isn't your partner and even besides his conduct, do you really think this woman has no feelings for him? At the very least, she wants him back. She lives an hour and a half away, yet, she manages to find time to spend the weekends with him...and sleep in his bed before you said anything... Would you do this with your ex knowing that he has a girlfriend? No, but that's because you have respect for your ex and his relationship. This woman doesn't respect you or your relationship and neither does your SO or he wouldn't tolerate this type of behavior.

 

Besides his utter disrespect for you and your feelings by continuing to have this woman over on weekends after you have already stated how you feel, he also cannot give you a time frame for when the two of you will be closing the distance. That alone is grounds to end the relationship. It's been "two years" for at least the last ten months or so right? &Even with that he's said it would be hard to move away from his ex, but that she could visit...

 

I don't mean to come across as harsh, but the way this man treats you is ridiculous.

[Jennie1]

My boyfriends ex, has recently been coming around. My trust was broken because he did not tell me. and I found out by accident. Either way first thing I said, she will not be around her and I don't want you talking to her. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. My situation different because I didn't know. But, had I known I would have said absolutely not. And I think I have the right to, a long distance relationship is hard enough. I also have anxiety and have racing thoughts of what he's doing. Of course worse now.

 

You have every right to ask him not to see her at all. Same as I told my boyfriend, playing with fire because she wants him back. And if we were in same city different. He can take it or leave it.

[Els]

My boyfriends ex, has recently been coming around. My trust was broken because he did not tell me. and I found out by accident. Either way first thing I said, she will not be around her and I don't want you talking to her. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. My situation different because I didn't know. But, had I known I would have said absolutely not. And I think I have the right to, a long distance relationship is hard enough. I also have anxiety and have racing thoughts of what he's doing. Of course worse now.

 

You have every right to ask him not to see her at all. Same as I told my boyfriend, playing with fire because she wants him back. And if we were in same city different. He can take it or leave it.

 

No, I do think demanding that your bf not talk to an ex at ALL is quite excessive. What if they're with mutual friends, for chrissakes? They'll talk to everyone else except each other?

 

That being said, OP, I hope you're alright? Do check in and let us know.

[Omei]

HOH I can't imagine some of the frustration/hurt you must go through with their relationship you're a strong woman I would never be able to do that.

 

I have read many of your posts and I do agree with some on that the bond between them is strange and that it seems uncomfortably close for friends.

 

I always think that man or woman have the right to ask for EX relationships to benon-exsistant when entering, Unless there are special circumstances like children for example.

 

I find it causes too much stress and doubt on a relationship.

 

I don't think being friends with an EX is impossible I was with a guy that was very close friends with an EX but they had about 3 1/2 years apart and had built total separate lives before rejoining in friendship, and I felt no threat they did nothing crossing the friendship boundary.

 

But I personally feel that unless there's ever been a gap to move on, Ex's are taking strain on a relationship.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you

I'm not capable to cope with him seeing his ex frequently until he moves closer, I've tried but I can't do it, anxiety/upset over it is affecting me physically the last 10 days.

I could handle the distance if it weren't for the added problem of her, she makes it too much.

 

 

Are you willing and capable of carrying this through to the possible end of your relationship?

 

I hope so. You are a wonderful woman, your patience and loyalty is wonderful to see in a person. It's hard seeing you not getting all that you deserve.

[HeavenOrHell]

I've no problem with ex's being friends, I don't hold with the idea that you should become enemies, or turn your back on them as soon as you stop being partners, always seems petty and cold to me, if you still get on really well then why not be friends if you both want to be, clearly some partners will not get on with each other anymore so they won't want to meet up. BUT, for the ones who want to stay friends there has to be boundaries, so that you are not as emotionally bonded as you once were otherwise you won't move on properly and new partners will also get hurt.

 

 

My boyfriends ex, has recently been coming around. My trust was broken because he did not tell me. and I found out by accident. Either way first thing I said, she will not be around her and I don't want you talking to her. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. My situation different because I didn't know. But, had I known I would have said absolutely not. And I think I have the right to, a long distance relationship is hard enough. I also have anxiety and have racing thoughts of what he's doing. Of course worse now.

 

You have every right to ask him not to see her at all. Same as I told my boyfriend, playing with fire because she wants him back. And if we were in same city different. He can take it or leave it.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks Elswyth, I'm not ok to be honest, hoping seeing the r/ship counsellor later will help me decide what to do, I feel tense and physically ill at times as I'm so worried this can't be resolved, ie that he'd choose f/ship with his ex over me, and I really don't want to lose him Feel pretty worried right now.

I keep feeling he's not as enthusiastic about us lately, but not sure if it's in my head or not, or if I'm looking for things to worry about (which I do a lot).

Feels a bit like now he's established with me he doesn't make quite so much effort, doesn't need as much contact, whereas I will always want as much contact as we've had because it's vital in an LDR. He's more of a loner than me though so just doesn't need to communicate as much, (or maybe cos he sees so much of his ex he doesn't need as much contact with me, ugh), that's something else I am struggling with but feel I can't say to him as it seems pointless me saying it cos if he doesn't feel it or do it without me asking then it's clearly not something he wants, I don't want him to change that just cos I asked him to, I want him to want the same things as me full stop.

 

 

No, I do think demanding that your bf not talk to an ex at ALL is quite excessive. What if they're with mutual friends, for chrissakes? They'll talk to everyone else except each other?

 

That being said, OP, I hope you're alright? Do check in and let us know.

[heartshaped]

OP, I just hope you do whatever is going to make you happy regardless of what that is. I hope after talking to the counselor you will have more clarity on the situation and really know definitely what you want to do and what you should do.

[Els]

HAVE you spoken to him yet about it and laid all your cards on the table, OP? It really is only fair to both of you that you do that ASAP instead of dragging it out.

[HeavenOrHell]

Not yet, I wanted to talk to the counsellor first (in 2 hours time), I'm so confused at the moment I don't want to screw up, I need her to help me sort out what's what and what to do about it. I'll keep you posted.

I just feel he will call it a day if I say about his ex and I don't want to hear it

 

 

HAVE you spoken to him yet about it and laid all your cards on the table, OP? It really is only fair to both of you that you do that ASAP instead of dragging it out.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you, I hope so.

 

 

OP, I just hope you do whatever is going to make you happy regardless of what that is. I hope after talking to the counselor you will have more clarity on the situation and really know definitely what you want to do and what you should do.

[Els]

Not yet, I wanted to talk to the counsellor first (in 2 hours time), I'm so confused at the moment I don't want to screw up, I need her to help me sort out what's what and what to do about it. I'll keep you posted.

I just feel he will call it a day if I say about his ex and I don't want to hear it

 

I know it's hard to face something like that, but wouldn't you rather know if it were true? Then you can truly move on!

[Jennie1]

I think the counselor will help. I have mentioned I have anxiety and panic attacks. so, I already have a counselor and helps much.

 

Elswyth, just wanted to clear up the reason I have requested the absolutely no contact because it was hidden from me. I would not expect if they were at a party to avoid eachother. But, they do not mingle in the same circle of friends at all. An accidental seeing, of course would talk. But more than that would be effort. And she is or was trying to get him back.

 

good luck with the counselor, hope helps you