Jess4531 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I'm confused, I have known this man for 3 years, and we have dated off and on, and we were thinking about marriage and kids, but when i took the time to leave town to visit my family I got to thinking about our relationship. I know he loves me, But I'm starting to question myself. He's made some bad mistakes in the past regarding our relationship, and the thought of marriage and kids worries me that what if he does it again or something else. I am also feeling like if we were to be married, it wouldn't be the partnership I want. I need someone who can bring just as much to the table, as equals. He might have asked me to marry him, but I feel he's no where near ready to start thinking about making a family. Financially. And he's proven to me that he easily gives up too fast. While I do love him as a person, I feel that continuing this relationship knowing these things would forever burden me and I would not be happy. Am I making the right decision?
ChristineB Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) Wow, the everyday's scene is here. Before I start, please excuse me for being blunt. What is it with the "must be married" thing nowadays? Despite all of these divorces or the whole "lonely, neglected housewives", this generation continues to jump into the trap of marriage. Sure it is everybody's dream, well, almost everybody's dream to have a happy family. The trap is, so many people fall in love with what other people want, what other people have AND the expectation from their family and the whole society that one must marry to be complete and be happy but ask yourself, do you rather marry or do you rather secure your life with love? We are not living in 18th century where everybody was expected to marry by the age of 16 anymore. You sound like you are not in love with him, you are in love with the thoughts of getting married, the thoughts of having a family and he sounds the same. If I have to guess your age, pardon me, are you over 40? You and him both sounds like you are desperate to marry because you are under the stress and fear of being lonely for the rest of your life! You need to understand the principles of marriage: TRUST - How can you think about marrying someone who you cannot trust? The whole love thing is based on trust for one another. Do you rather live forever with a person whom you always doubt and forever live in fear that he may hurt you again like he did in the past? LOVE - Yes I put trust before love. You may not agree with me but you have to trust someone before you can come to love them fully. That person may make you happy, really happy, but to think of it, if you cannot trust that person, if he cannot secure your life then how is he any different than just a game? FUTURE/SECURITY - You said you need someone who can bring just as much to the table, as equals and financially he is not ready to do that. Now the key is is he even trying his best? Is he ready to do everything, to move anywhere to make money to support you? I don't blame someone for being poor, I don't blame someone for not having money, I adore poor couples because they will to go through everything together despite their financial status (my parents for example. ) but at least, both of them have to try. Something I don't understand about your guy is he just proposed to you (and you accepted??) without doing anything to prove to you that he can support you because he is NOT READY? If he is not ready to feed himself, how can he be ready to feed his family? It's like going to an important exam without studying because he must go for the shake of going, you get what I'm saying? If he truly loves you, he will do everything (literally everything, including jumping down the bridge and swimming across the river (like one of my friend did to propose to his wife...)) to prove to you that the ring he's going to put on your finger will worth it! You say he loves you yet I don't see this guy treating you seriously at all. He seems like he looks down on you thinking you're too easy. My cousin was in the exact same situation as yours. She was over 30 and everybody her age in the family had already married (2 of them just filed their divorces last year), even almost all of her friends were married. The pressure that she must marry was putting her down. She ended up married a man whom she worked together for 4 years. For 4 years, they have never fought, never once disagreed with each other, but they started to fight on their honey moon. My point is, when 2 people are tied together by marriage, the hardship will be 10x worse. My cousin divorce her ex 2 years later, and they never had a child together. 3 years later, she fell in love again and married a woman. Well I know it sounds like a joke to you but it happened. They are going to welcome the second child next month and they are as happy as ever. Even though they fight a lot like every married couple, they understand each other and they truly care for one another. Her spouse isn't rich and neither is she, but they trust one another and they both try their best to put food on the table. It's not about marriage, it's about who you marry. And sometimes, it's not about who you marry, it's about what can make you happy. Like me, I'm happy just by myself and I can't imagine what would happen to me if I have to put myself under the pressure that I must marry. If the day comes and I can find someone I truly love, someone I truly trust, then we will talk. I wish you all the best and I believe you have the courage to make the best choice for yourself. Keep us updated! Edited February 28, 2011 by ChristineB
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