kourtney01 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) When a man really trully loves you.... can he still force himself to move on? If you break up with a guy that loves you because HE scrwed up and you're trying to teach him a lesson... if he genuinely loves you will he make a change and try to win you back? Or is it possible that he will force himself to move on? How long will it take him to contact you or make this change or try to win you back....? When does it become obvious that he moved on...? What makes him come back or move on? PS. In this situation, we broke up many times and he screwed up many times. But this time things were going much better until we broke up again...but this break-up feels much more real and final. I even changed my cell number but he has my house number, email and knows where I live, where I go to school and where I work... I don't know if changing my cell number was a good thing or a bad thing..in a way it cuts the BULK of our contact and prevents me from sending late night texts during moments of weakness... but did I facilitate hiom moving on by doing this? Or did I make the impact I was hoping for...? ..don't even know how to feel...it's really hard. He contacted me and tried talking to me for about a week...then he just gave up...it's been 2 weeks...when the anger disappeared, it finally sank in and I began to miss him sooo much that I emailed him tellign him how hard this has been and how hurt I am...but in the email I said we can't be together. He hasn't replied to the email (but he rarely checks his email) or called the house anymore... worried he's trying to move on? I guess deep down I really hoped this was the wake-up call he needed so he stops screwing up... Edited February 28, 2011 by kourtney01
Johnny85 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Hey there Kourtney, When my ex girlfriend broke up with me, her friend came over to our apartment and I actually ended up talking to her about our relationship and my feelings. One thing that she (the friend) told me is that "I was living in the moment, the present and I should focus on the future instead, if it is meant to be, she will come back to you." After a lot of begging and sadness, I stopped contacting her. Most people will stop what they are doing when it isn't working for them. I have since had limited contact with my ex girlfriend until a few days ago when she texted me how much she missed me and was saddened about us breaking up. I fell into this trap and reciprocated. Unfortunately this didn't go very well. lol Now my guard is up again, and I am not contacting her. His guard may be up as well, or he may be waiting for you to contact him (via phone). And yes, sometimes moving on is the best way to overcome your past. And he will stop screwing up when he takes responsibility for his own actions and is willing to change for himself, and nobody else, unfortunately.
Author kourtney01 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 Hey there Kourtney, When my ex girlfriend broke up with me, her friend came over to our apartment and I actually ended up talking to her about our relationship and my feelings. One thing that she (the friend) told me is that "I was living in the moment, the present and I should focus on the future instead, if it is meant to be, she will come back to you." After a lot of begging and sadness, I stopped contacting her. Most people will stop what they are doing when it isn't working for them. I have since had limited contact with my ex girlfriend until a few days ago when she texted me how much she missed me and was saddened about us breaking up. I fell into this trap and reciprocated. Unfortunately this didn't go very well. lol Now my guard is up again, and I am not contacting her. His guard may be up as well, or he may be waiting for you to contact him (via phone). And yes, sometimes moving on is the best way to overcome your past. And he will stop screwing up when he takes responsibility for his own actions and is willing to change for himself, and nobody else, unfortunately. Did your ex gf break up with you because YOU screwed up or because she lost interest in the relationship? Am I wasting my time having hope that one day we will reunite? I know that I simply cannot contact him because I was not at fault and I don't want to de-value myself by running back when I've done nothing wrong.
Johnny85 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Did your ex gf break up with you because YOU screwed up or because she lost interest in the relationship? Am I wasting my time having hope that one day we will reunite? I know that I simply cannot contact him because I was not at fault and I don't want to de-value myself by running back when I've done nothing wrong. We had been arguing a lot a few months before the break up; she suggested couples counseling and I didn't think it was right at the time, naively hoping that our problems would be solved on their own. Finally, I left for a trip over christmas to visit with family and friends, and she found another guy. Now he has hurt her, and she cried me a river. Like you said, I don't wish to devalue myself anymore either. I think that you need to keep your mind busy and focus on other things to distract you from thinking about him. Go out with friends, visit with family, start exercising (I just started doing the Insanity workout 3 weeks ago, lol), etc. If it is meant to be, the opportunity will without a doubt present itself. Don't focus on what could have been, but instead see this as an opportunity to grow as an individual and do those things that you wanted to do that you couldn't when you were in a relationship.
scrc1 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 You broke up with him, so regardless of what the reasoning was any real efforts to reconcile should come from you. You said yourself in the email that its hard for you, but you can't be with him. It sounds like you don't really know what you want from him. You've got to sort that out for yourself. If it was a serious relationship and he truly loves you, I doubt he has moved on yet. If he realizes he has lost something profound, he will make changes as well. However, given enough time, and without any reasons to believe things will change, people force themselves to move on. I don't mean to be harsh, but my girlfriend broke up with me a few months back because I kept screwing up some things too. I love her with all my heart but her indecision and general treatment of me during this time has got me thinking it's probably time to scrape things together and forget it.
usagi Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 If you break up with a guy that loves you because HE scrwed up and you're trying to teach him a lesson... [/indent] Personally I think this is all wrong and immature. The key to successful relationships is communication, not playing games. I think you have made your bed and if you regret where you are now then it's your responsibility to make amends. Sounds also like you are trying to "change" him? 1
turokturok5 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 ermm your going to have to go to him. If you love someone you dont break-up with them because they screwed up, you talk to them about it and see if they can realise what they did and work on it. He's now teaching you a lesson, by actively moving on, your going to have to call him
Author kourtney01 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 You broke up with him, so regardless of what the reasoning was any real efforts to reconcile should come from you. You said yourself in the email that its hard for you, but you can't be with him. It sounds like you don't really know what you want from him. You've got to sort that out for yourself. If it was a serious relationship and he truly loves you, I doubt he has moved on yet. If he realizes he has lost something profound, he will make changes as well. However, given enough time, and without any reasons to believe things will change, people force themselves to move on. I don't mean to be harsh, but my girlfriend broke up with me a few months back because I kept screwing up some things too. I love her with all my heart but her indecision and general treatment of me during this time has got me thinking it's probably time to scrape things together and forget it. Well...let's just put it this way...if he kept screwing up minor things like forgetting my birthday or coming home late at night...I would have worked through it especially since our relationship really grew strong after we got engaged...but the screwing up I'm refering to is 'cheating.' And that I simply cannot tolerate...it's not the first time either. I was hoping that by showing him what life really is like without me he would realise that this meaningless encounter was not worth losing something we both worked so hard and so long for after the first time he cheated. If I'm being immature..so be it. But really, I don't know a better way to go about it. I feel like he needs at least a month or more with NC to come to terms with what he needs to do to change and better our relationship...it's been 2 weeks and after a few days of trying to contact me he gave up. Now I'm worried he's simply trying to move on even though HE'S the one that ruined everything and even though him and I were so close. That's why I started this thread...to figure out if he's moving on or not...because if he is I have no choice but to do the same thing...I can't initiate the contact after what he has done..I would de-value myself and he will not learn from his mistake.
BackToYou Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I am sorry but you have to initiate the contact if you want to get back together with him. As a dumpee myself, I tried to contact my ex for a few days but she ignored my messages. Now I think the ball is in her court and I am not going to try to establish the connection between us anymore unless she initiates the contact. I am positive that your bf has given up now. This is not your first break up, he tried to contact you but ignored him and you told him that you can`t be with him anymore. I would give up at that point and I consider myself as a stubborn person. What you are doing now is a power struggle between you and your bf. You want to keep a upper hand but you hope to fix things. Give him a hint that you may want to give him another chance if he`s going to change.
usagi Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 ..I would de-value myself and he will not learn from his mistake. The guy cheated on you (more than once?) and so you did the smart thing; gave him his marching orders. He's now free to sleep with anyone he wants, including the other woman and you're waiting around for him to come back to you? I think you already de-value yourself. You deserve someone who respects you, having already done the hard part by breaking it off move forward...you can definitely do better than him!!! Apologies too as now you have clarified that it was infidelity I don't think you're being immature, however you should have broken up with him to find someone else who respects you and not to 'teach him a lesson'. I wish you the best.
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