purple_cloud Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Went out with this guy I met on EHarmony. When I saw him, I didn't really find him attractive but decided to give it a chance anyway. We went to dinner. He talked non-stop about himself while staring at me intensely. He kept giving me a constant torrent of compliments; how feminine and fiery I look, how pretty etc etc. Mid-way he attempted to hold my hand across the table but I wasn't receptive. He started talking about the future and asking me how many kids I would like to have etc I couldn't wait for the date to end. He even tried to kiss me and I barely dodged that and jumped into a taxi as quickly as I could. Once home, he called right away. I didn't pick up and he texted me that he will call me tomorrow and that he can't stop thinking of me. Tomorrow is now and this morning I woke up to a text: "You are the most wonderful girl I have ever met. I lay awake all night thinking about you" I responded: "I think that you are a great guy too and I am really sorry but I just don't feel the spark. This is not something that can be forced. Best of luck for the future" He called me 5 times since then (I didn't pick up) and sent me a text: "Can I just talk to you for a few mins?" I responded with "There is no point since you can't change my mind" He called few more times. Am I a bitch for ignoring his calls? I mean it was 1 2hour date. I don't owe him a phone break up right?
Imajerk17 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 You handled this situation well, unlike the last one. You don't owe him any more communication. You told him you were not into him kindly and respectfully--a text is fine after one date, and that is enough.
AA11390 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 as long as your mind is set and you ABSOLUTELY want nothing to do with him, just tell him how it is..better to sound harsh and let him off now cuz he'll just keep harassing you especially since he's acting that way after your very first date
blackmagik Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 you definitely don't owe him anything. I would run from him haha. He totally doesn't get the hint that you arent interested, even though you were very blunt about it. Sometimes you have to be a bitch so they get the point.
TouchedByViolet Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 You didn't do anything wrong. The guy is just a clingy mess. I think ignoring him at this point is the fastest way to get rid of him.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 No the text you sent could be enough. You could send a text that's even more blunt. You see what you say about not feeling a spark is a little ambiguous.... Not everyone belives that there has to be an instant spark for a relationship to work. In fact if you look on eharmonyadvice it's full of stories where a spark wasn't felt and after a few more dates... they connected and are now married. So you need to be even more direct. Tell him that his personality simply isn't compatible with yours. That he was focused all too much on himself on your date and you won't give him a second chance.
Leeway Harris Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Tell him that his personality simply isn't compatible with yours. That he was focused all too much on himself on your date and you won't give him a second chance. Please baby, I can change! Don't do this to me, I'm nothing without you!
paleblue Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 dont worry about it. you dont owe him anything. he sounds kinda desperate anyway.
sally4sara Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 You don't OWE him anything, but I do feel you didn't give him much of a chance. Is it perhaps because he was so invested right out of the gate that his compliments felt hollow? I mean I could see that, you had one date and with as little as he knows of you you're being told you're the most wonderful girl he has ever met. But here is the thing, are you feeling a lack of chemistry for him BECAUSE he was attributing to you a level of flattery that couldn't possibly be sincere for the lack of knowing you? Or are you expecting a guy to knock you off your feet in the few hours a first date affords him? Because if its the latter, you're also wanting to be like him about someone after only a few hours of being around them or they are just are not worth your time at all.
Author purple_cloud Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 You don't OWE him anything, but I do feel you didn't give him much of a chance. Is it perhaps because he was so invested right out of the gate that his compliments felt hollow? I mean I could see that, you had one date and with as little as he knows of you you're being told you're the most wonderful girl he has ever met. But here is the thing, are you feeling a lack of chemistry for him BECAUSE he was attributing to you a level of flattery that couldn't possibly be sincere for the lack of knowing you? Or are you expecting a guy to knock you off your feet in the few hours a first date affords him? Because if its the latter, you're also wanting to be like him about someone after only a few hours of being around them or they are just are not worth your time at all. Good question. I have an instinctive aversion to men who come on that strong. It has happened in the past only for them to cool off just as quickly and for no reason at all. Someone who speaks like that is either insincere or emotionally unstable. At best, he finds be extremely physically attractive and is filling in the personality blanks with his imagination. I have been burnt by men that put me on pedestal based on looks, only to coldly dump me once they wake up and see that I am not perfect. Having said all that, my physical attraction to him was extremely low. I am not shallow and would probably give it another date or 2 if I had an enjoyable date. He literally only wanted to talk about himself and about my looks. His presence was very full on and anxiety inducing. He made me anxious just by being around him. So it's a 100% no from my side.
Author purple_cloud Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 I feel so guilty. I hate hurting people. He was calling me all day (I didn't answer). I just got this text from him: Dear (name), I genuinly thought and felt that we enjoyed holding each others hands and that we felt a mutual spark. I certainly felt a very strong attraction towards you. I realize that I may have rushed things with hugging you and trying to kiss you and I apologize. I hope that you don't think I am a womanizer. I am very interested to find out more about you. I liked you in terms of building a long term relationship. I don't mind to take things gradually. I liked your personality and I found you interesting as a person and human being. It was much more that the way you look. We also could start from a friendship. You are quite a special person. I also wanted to pay for your taxi but you escaped too quickly. ********** Should I reply anything? I don't want to see him again as friends or anything else. I simply have a strong gut feeling of not wanting to be around him again. I just want to be as kind as possible in my rejection. I wish he left me alone.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Purple. Tell him what you are telling us. The kindest possible thing you can do for him is to just be blunt. Anything less is hurting him more than a blunt response from you would. I have to wonder... like Sally 4 Sara does.... You want to feel a spark with a guy...right? If you felt a spark you would be head over heels for a guy like this guy is for you... yet the guy feeling head over heels for you is a red flag?
Author purple_cloud Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 Yes, if I felt the spark I would feel like this guy is feeling. BUT I wouldn't bombard him with calls and texts, especially after he told me that he wasn't feeling it. I would be bummed but would delete his number and move on. I feel like that is emotionally healthy way to deal with this situation. The fact that he is trying to change my mind and is contacting me repeatedly without a response, shows that he is pretty desperate, has poor impulse control OR feels like a lot of men feel: I want something and I am going to get it, screw how you feel. If I was pursuing a man this heavily, I would have already been called a crazy stalker.
Knittress Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 What? Other folks don't get the scary stalker vibe off this one? I think you've been WAY too chill about this, personally. Set boundaries. Don't feel bad about it.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 If I was pursuing a man this heavily, I would have already been called a crazy stalker. No not by me... not by allot of people here. What knitress says about setting boundaries is true... the thing is you haven't really set them. You said something that to you is clear and concise. You need to say something that to him will be a clear and concise no interest statement. As for the stalker thing... come off of it. I have had actual stalkers. Stalkers, real stalkers are people who mean to do you harm. This guy is just a bit zealous. When he leaves a dead animal in your mailbox he's a stalker... sending you text is at worst annoying.
jane100 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Please baby, I can change! Don't do this to me, I'm nothing without you! LOL! the drama, the madness of it all ..... p.s. purple cloud, you've done everything right and been very nice about it too ...
Eeyore79 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 No, you don't really owe him anything after one short date. You said he's not a good looking guy, and he went on and on about your good looks - maybe he couldn't believe his luck when a pretty girl like you showed some interest, and maybe that's why he's acting so clingy. He thinks he has a chance with a girl who would normally be out of his league looks-wise, and he's reluctant to let go of it. I think you might have to send a harsh text which says something like "Please respect my decision not to pursue a relationship with you. I wish you well but I will not be replying to any further texts", and then just ignore him after that.
sally4sara Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Yes, if I felt the spark I would feel like this guy is feeling. BUT I wouldn't bombard him with calls and texts, especially after he told me that he wasn't feeling it. I would be bummed but would delete his number and move on. I feel like that is emotionally healthy way to deal with this situation. The fact that he is trying to change my mind and is contacting me repeatedly without a response, shows that he is pretty desperate, has poor impulse control OR feels like a lot of men feel: I want something and I am going to get it, screw how you feel. If I was pursuing a man this heavily, I would have already been called a crazy stalker. He is putting way too much pressure on you. Not quite stalker material or anything, but too much you know? And the more he contacts you, the more the association feels uneven. You may have to be very blunt to get through to him. I know it feels mean. Maybe if you point out how quickly and thickly he pours it on you can at least feel like you helped him out for his future attempts. I'm not trying to tell you you should force yourself to be into the guy. Just keep aware of any patterns you run with while dating.
lululucy Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I think you might have to send a harsh text which says something like "Please respect my decision not to pursue a relationship with you. I wish you well but I will not be replying to any further texts", and then just ignore him after that. ^This I definitely see this as a red-flag.. One of my good friends had a similar occurance happen with a boyfriend a few years ago. He started off SO OVERLY interested in her (and she had really low self-esteem so she just ate it up). At on point, he was calling her 75+ times a day, on top of emailing, texting, and actually hanging out with her. She finally ended it after he tried to rape her after she refused to have sex. His texts and phone calls tripled until she got a restraining order. The way this guy is acting to you after one date is EXACTLY the same as the way the other guy acted to my friend. Even if he's not psychotic, you don't owe him a second date and he just needs to accept it.
GivenUp0083 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I think you did just fine by rejecting him respectully. He clearly is in a different mindset and is falling too hard too quickly. This behavior would raise red flags for a lot of people, not just you. It sounds like he's having trouble accepting rejection, as if there's something he can say that will change everything, which there isn't. It's his problem, not yours, I would just initiate No Contact with him from here on. When I saw him, I didn't really find him attractive but decided to give it a chance anyway. This bothers me a little bit. Are you saying that when you first met up with him for dinner, you decided he wasn't very attractive but you decided to go through with the date anyway? As in, if he were more unattractive you would've just walked away?
dreamingoftigers Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I would just ignore him completely, any attention you give him brings false hope considering he won't listen to what you are actually saying. Ignoring him should clear your problem within a week and he'll probably call you a bitch on the last text or something like that. (or try to make you feel guilty.)
Eeyore79 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Are you saying that when you first met up with him for dinner, you decided he wasn't very attractive but you decided to go through with the date anyway? As in, if he were more unattractive you would've just walked away? I think she means that she wasn't attracted to him, but decided to give him a chance anyway as he might have turned out to be a really great person (which he didn't).
SmileFace Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I genuinly thought and felt that we enjoyed holding each others hands and that we felt a mutual spark. I certainly felt a very strong attraction towards you. I realize that I may have rushed things with hugging you and trying to kiss you and I apologize. I hope that you don't think I am a womanizer. I am very interested to find out more about you. I liked you in terms of building a long term relationship. I don't mind to take things gradually. I liked your personality and I found you interesting as a person and human being. It was much more that the way you look. We also could start from a friendship. You are quite a special person. I also wanted to pay for your taxi but you escaped too quickly. . This is Gold! I can't believe he wrote this after one meeting. Don't reply . What will be the point?
reservoirdog1 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I'm a guy and I'M getting creeped out by that guy. At worst, it's obsessive stalker-ish behaviour. At best, it's pathetic and clingy. Bullet dodged. And no, you didn't owe him more than a text message.
SunsetRed Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 It's interesting that he uses the word "escaped" in his text. Perhaps he did clue in on your need to escape from him.
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