avoiding social situations with bf's sister

[seaside]

I can't stand my boyfriend's sister for many, many reasons, but I can be civil with her and will grin and bear her presence behind closed doors (either at my home, her's, or a family member's). I cannot, however endure her in public, particularly at restaurants because her behavior is just out of line. And it turns out, my boyfriend is encouraged by this behavior, and acts inappropriately as well. For convenience sake, the sister is K and the boyfriend is S.

 

I will try to be brief...

Initially I vowed I would never go out with K and her husband to a restaurant again because they seemed to feed off of each other's inappropriate behavior (K insisted that her husband recant a story resulting in an Indian man being racially insulted while standing in the lobby of a crowded restaurant - in which they were both laughing as though it was somehow humorous).

 

Foolish as I was, I felt that going with K alone to a restaurant without the husband might result in her being more mellow.

 

A similar scenario ensued, and that was we were once again waiting for a table in the front of the restaurant. K, who is a new-found lesbian after her divorce, starts talking about one of her ex girlfriends to S, and how she had to get a protection order against her because this ex threatened to kill K. There are other people present, and maybe I'm too formal, but this to me is inappropriate to speak about in a public setting. To make matters worse, my boyfriend says, "If she ever calls you again, tell her I have a shotgun and I will kill her."

Before we get to our table I am already embarrassed, and am dreading the rest of the evening.

 

So... shortly after we sit down, K decides to get on her cell phone to her ex husband (go figure), reading off the menu so he can choose what he wants to eat and she will place a take out order. Again, maybe I'm being too formal, but it really bothers me when people talk on a cell phone in restaurants. She was on the phone, talking very loudly for a good five minutes. I muttered "god," to my boyfriend, who then asked "what?" I pointed to K, and said, "Her on the phone." My boyfriend then raises his voice, saying, "What's the big deal?" I tell him to please lower his voice, and say it's nothing, forget about it (as soon as we parted ways after dinner, my boyfriend immediately brought up my agitation, claiming it was "absurd").

 

The conversation eventually degenerates into K bringing up her and S's mother's ex boyfriend. All I remember is K saying to S, "You know he tied her to a tree, right? I've been in therapy for what he did to me." To which S responds, "Did he hit you?" K - "No, S, he did much worse than that." Then my boyfriend expresses his second violent urge of the night and that is to "Blow his head off if I ever see him again."

 

Now, when I go out to a restaurant, I like the conversation to be lighthearted and I feel that there are certain ways to behave in public - and it's not to air your dirty laundry, or express homicidal desires. While out, I don't want to hear about that stuff, and it's probably safe to say that others within earshot don't want to, either. I find it extremely inconsiderate.

 

I simply cannot deal with this kind of behavior, and I know there will be future instances (there was one tonight!) where K will want to go to dinner. My boyfriend will be far from understanding if I tell him the truth, and I can only say, "I'm not up for it tonight" so many times without being cross examined.

 

So, what am I to do? Any suggestions?

[Alma Mobley]

I'm with you -- going out to eat is supposed to be a lighthearted affair, and conversation should be calm and interesting, not about past wrong deeds or dirty laundry. And talking on the phone, esp for five mins about a non-pressing matter, is rude.

 

It sounds as though your bf, however, is like your sister. He is not going to think anything is wrong with this behavior. It's how they are. The only thing you can do is let him know you don't want to go out to eat with them anymore. If she asks to come along, he'll have to say no or the two of them can go by themselves. I don't think asking him to change his behavior around her or her around you is going to work.

[seaside]

Yeah this definitely isn't about modifying their behavior, as nice as that would be. They're not going to change, it's just a matter of me trying to express my wishes.

 

Your response is appreciated, thank you.

[eerie_reverie]

I think you need to lighten up. I don't find her behaivior inappropriate or inconsiderate at all. What the heck is "light" conversation?

[sally4sara]

This isn't a problem with your BF's sister. Its a problem with your preferences and opinions of what is or isn't appropriate conflicting with those of your BF and his sister. He isn't the way he is because of her. He won't be less incompatible to you if she isn't around. You're expecting him to hide his preference for conversation and his opinions to continue being with you. If you can't accept his sister, who sounds quite similar to him, to the point where you avoid her presence, why are you pretending to accept him?

 

I'm not trying to tell you you're right, he is wrong, she is wrong and you should walk away from the relationship because of it. I'm also not saying they are right either and he'd be better off without you. I personally don't see a big deal with their conversation about her ex lover, am only mildly put off by people in the dining area on their cell phones. This isn't a right VS wrong situation. But I do think you and your BF are not compatible and you're only targeting his sister because you're not ready to accept that and perhaps think you can change him if she wasn't around. That's not cool simply because he isn't being intrinsically WRONG. Just different than you.

[SmileFace]

I think you need to lighten up. I don't find her behaivior inappropriate or inconsiderate at all. What the heck is "light" conversation?

"So how is the weather?"

[lemonlegs]

I agree with Sally. It's not about them being inappropriate, they just have different values than you do, apparently. When my family gets together, they discuss diseases and people they know who are ill and my family members that have passed away. They're not morbid people, my mom works in a hospital as does my cousin, so it's just what they consider to be conversation they can both partake in. Furthermore, when families are together, they tend to talk about family issues and seeing as you're supposed to be an integral part of your boyfriend's life, they probably figure that you're comfortable listening to past issues they've had to deal with in their family.

 

Your boyfriend clearly doesn't seen his sister's behaviour as inappropriate, thus he's probably quite similar to her. Why are you with him? You've illustrated that you find his behaviour in social situations embarrassing....

[dispatch3d]

I read half that story then withdrew because it's just too ugly. I can't handle their lives and how upset/unhappy they are. I wouldn't hang out with them, and if I had a SO who acted/said/did things like that around anyone I would probably break up with them. They are unhappy people to the point where they could affect my own happiness. Sorry, I have to go elsewhere. Hopefully one day they will become happier and we can be friends.

[lululucy]

I personally found nothing offensive about their behaviour except the initial racist story. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn't speak like that around you (yet) because he isn't as comfortable with you as he is his sister.

[baguette]

All I see are incompatibility issues between you and your bf.