Crazy Magnet Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I've been listening to my gut instincts and it said that my boyfriend just wasn't all in on this relationship, despite our recent talks to work things out. I don't understand why I am the girl who will throw everything and the kitchen sink to try to get something to work out. I feel like I end up hurting myself more by that process than by walking away. Anyway... After another couple of days of relationship related talks, I finally got up the balls to ask if he was all in or not. His response was that he was 100% mentally in but not 100% emotionally in. WTF does that mean?!? He couldn't explain himself. Despite his intelligence, he has consistently been very bad with any sort of deep conversation about emotions or feelings--both with me or with his friends. He simply doesn't have them. I am ready to walk as I feel that at this point in the R and our lives we should be totally in or it's not worth moving forward. I gave him a week to think it over because he's a self-proclaimed very slow and deliberate thinker. For better or worse, he knows that if he's not ready to commit to this thing all the way then I'm out the door. Am I nuts to think that I deserve a 100% emotional commitment after more than a year with somebody? I don't feel it's fair to either one of us to continue in a relationship where both people aren't putting in 100%. Should I have given the week to think it over? I'll be devastated if it doesn't work out because we are so good together on so many levels. But I want a healthy relationship!! I can't decide if this is normal or unhealthy.
Nexus One Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) I'm not saying it's like this, but it's a possibility. It's possible that he sees the relationship between you both as the rational thing to do, but that he does not feel completely head over heels with you for a reason he's not able to explain. I sometimes have this with particular women, they then seem so compatible with me and mentally we seem to be each other's mirror image and it would be the rational thing to do to start a relationship with them and I'm sure it would be a stable relationship that would last very long, but there's something missing. And that something then is that I'm not (very) infatuated with them, but I then can't put my finger on why. I perhaps should be infatuated with them, the ingredients are there, but still I'm not. That's what could be going on with him. It's possible that it will grow on him, but then again I might be completely off track here. Edited February 28, 2011 by Nexus One
threebyfate Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Your b/f had a codependent relationship prior to yours. His ex is and was incredibly needy. Perhaps that's his comfort zone in order to feel 100% emotional investment. Regardless of the above, you're going to have to decide what YOU need in a relationship. If everything else is healthy, can you live with his version of 90% investment which for most people would already be a lot of "us" and "we"? For that matter, I wonder what percentage he does feel emotionally invested. For some reason, I thought you two were discussing getting engaged or you're already engaged. Tough situation. I'm also going to be completely honest with you. This guy sets off my spidey-sense but I'm not you and don't know him beyond what you've posted on LS.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I'm not saying it's like this, but it's a possibility. It's possible that he sees the relationship between you both as the rational thing to do, but that he does not feel completely head over heels with you for a reason he's not able to explain. . N1 got the word pats down. It's rational to be in a relationship for your bf, but for some reason he can't be emotionally attached to you. Personally for whatever reason, I don't think he's in love with you the way you are with him.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 @Nexus One: That would make sense, except we have been together over a year and live together. How much more time would he possibly need for me to "grow" on him?? @TBF: <--always who I hope to hear from on here! Your spidey-sense and mine both!! As for the engagement thing--my grandmother had given him the family stone last fall. We went ring shopping, he kept putting off asking because he wasn't "ready" so he says and then my grandma up and died and officially left me with no living family that I communicate with or want to communicate with. With her death went any desire I had to get married. Marriage is important to him, not to me. We continued to discuss moving forward with the relationship--like to the kid phase, etc. The two main things that set off my tingles are: 1) His inability to engage in deep emotional conversations with anyone. He does not have any conversation of this nature with anyone. Not me, not his friends. Even our couples counselor has pointed out that he cannot identify what he is feeling. It's weird. I shared quite the traumatic story with him recently and he had NO response. None. Nada. 2) His dissatisfaction with his own life, but his inability to do anything about it. He feels like he has wasted his life, yet when faced with life changing decisions, he deliberates for months and months and months. It's often the case of "too little, too late" with him, which is where it's going with me too. Thing 1 bodes for an emotionally unfulfilled life partnership. Thing 2--he said the way I push him to do things makes him unhappy, but that he needs to be pushed or he never accomplishes anything. Do I really want that? IDK.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 xxp--I've wondered if his inability to connect emotionally like that with anyone is the problem or if it's really me. Or perhaps he some social functioning issues that keep him from connecting. The man truly has no other deep attachments other than me. Is this a red flag I've been choosing to ignore? *beats head on desk* Why am I so relationship stupid? I am a smart woman! ~sigh~
threebyfate Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 He sounds like an introverted thinker type with maybe a touch of aspie. Does he have difficulties in regular social interactions with taking too long to respond or responding in unusual ways? How was he raised?
lemonlegs Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Well, I could be wrong, but I think at this point you may be telling yourself that your guys' relationship is the "deepest emotional attachment" he has to make yourself feel better. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I think what Nexus said is exactly right. It definitely makes sense. You two clearly get along well as you've been dating for a year, but there's just something missing for him. And for whatever reason, he just doesn't have the emotions for you that he should have in a relationship.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 He sounds like an introverted thinker type with maybe a touch of aspie. Does he have difficulties in regular social interactions with taking too long to respond or responding in unusual ways? How was he raised? Definitely introverted thinker. He has told me that as a kid he never felt like he knew how to interact with other kids and he always wondered how they knew things like how to make friends. Since he has become an adult, he has not made new friends in about 20 years. His same 4 or 5 college friends are still his "friends" even though I have deeper and more meaningful conversations with them than he does. YES! He will sometimes sit for a full minute of silence if we have some kind of deep conversation. It's hard for me to stay focused with such long pauses. Also, if I tell him something emotionally painful he has no response. None at all. I've always wondered about the touch of aspie. He's had several other long term relationships, but I have no idea if he interacted with them in the same way. I guess I could ask them? He was raised by his parents and step parents. Upper middle-class families, crap tons of money. Typical UMC lifestyle.
eerie_reverie Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I don't know what he's thinking, but I know I wouldn't be comfortable doing to the next level with someone who told me he wasn't 100% "emotionally" in. That sounds like the recipe for an EA or being left years down the line cause he's not "in love".
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 Well, I could be wrong, but I think at this point you may be telling yourself that your guys' relationship is the "deepest emotional attachment" he has to make yourself feel better. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I think what Nexus said is exactly right. It definitely makes sense. You two clearly get along well as you've been dating for a year, but there's just something missing for him. And for whatever reason, he just doesn't have the emotions for you that he should have in a relationship. I do really mean that though. He doesn't talk to anyone else! I'm his only emotional attachment for whatever reason. When I say our emotional attachment is deep, that's how he describes it. This is deep for him. This isn't anywhere close to any deep/close emotional relationships I've had in my life. I would not describe our emotion sharing as deep by any stretch of the imagination.
lemonlegs Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Well it's possible that he does have emotional issues. It is hard for some people to express their emotions, but I wouldn't go as far as saying he has a mild form of autism as someone up there suggested. I do understand what he said about not being 'emotionally' in though. As for why he doesn't choose to openly communicate with anyone about his emotions, I'm not sure. It could be a litany of reasons, really.
nothappyjan Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 End it before u get hurt. I was just dumped by a guy and months earlier he's told me he didnt have that emotional connection with me but it was pushed aside until he admitted hes not crazy in love and emotionally involved enough to continue seeing me. This guy only has me in the state too as he moved for work so even though im all he has for company he still left me. Find someone crazy about you, thats my next goal
threebyfate Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Definitely introverted thinker. He has told me that as a kid he never felt like he knew how to interact with other kids and he always wondered how they knew things like how to make friends. Since he has become an adult, he has not made new friends in about 20 years. His same 4 or 5 college friends are still his "friends" even though I have deeper and more meaningful conversations with them than he does. YES! He will sometimes sit for a full minute of silence if we have some kind of deep conversation. It's hard for me to stay focused with such long pauses. Also, if I tell him something emotionally painful he has no response. None at all. I've always wondered about the touch of aspie. He's had several other long term relationships, but I have no idea if he interacted with them in the same way. I guess I could ask them? He was raised by his parents and step parents. Upper middle-class families, crap tons of money. Typical UMC lifestyle.Take a look at this link which has a description of some of the symptoms from childhood to adulthood: http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/tc/aspergers-syndrome-symptoms It's also possible that as an introverted thinker, he might need to internalize everything in order to process it to fruition. Any idea what MBTI type he is? Possibly INTP or INTJ? Another possibility is nurture. Some men aren't raised using any kind of emotive language or any freedom of emotion since softer emotions aren't expressed or discussed.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 I got him to take it and it came up INFP, same as me, but he doesn't act INFP. I think the F/T was off for sure. It wasn't the real thing, just an internet version.
threebyfate Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 INFP based on what you've posted about him? Not a chance! He probably is an INTP. Do you recall that article I posted about the type that's found to be the least satisfying to be in marriages with? INTP males.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 INFP based on what you've posted about him? Not a chance! He probably is an INTP. Do you recall that article I posted about the type that's found to be the least satisfying to be in marriages with? INTP males. I can see that. I'm an INFP to the letter! It makes for an interesting combo, I can tell ya that much. I just blurt out everything I"m thinking and feeling and five minutes later he comes back with one, perfectly constructed, very logical sentence. I think it holds him back a lot in life, but that's just my opinion.
threebyfate Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I can see that. I'm an INFP to the letter! It makes for an interesting combo, I can tell ya that much. I just blurt out everything I"m thinking and feeling and five minutes later he comes back with one, perfectly constructed, very logical sentence. I think it holds him back a lot in life, but that's just my opinion.He really does sound like an INTP since they're very much into precision of the word.
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