NG85 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I'm wondering if this is a common occurrence in the dating world, and if things like this have happened to anyone else. I began talking to this girl a month or 2 ago, and she seemed really nice and interesting. She asked me out, and I accepted, so we settled on a day. That day rolls around, and in the morning she texts me to let me know she's very sick, but still wants to see me and wants to re-schedule. Alright, I figure, she let me know ahead of time and had a legitimate reason. So I agree, but I wouldn't be free for a few weeks. So last week we decide to meet up near where she lives (About 45 minutes away from me). She had a work function until 3, so I suggested she meet me at 4 at the train station I'd be arriving at. It all worked out, so I agreed. Yesterday morning I text her to let her know I'd be taking in a train that gets in right at 4. No response. Figured she was busy with work. 45 minutes of travel later, I get to the station. No sign of her. I give her a call and I get her voicemail. I figured she was on the subway, where there's no cell service. I leave a voicemail letting her know where to find me. 30 minutes pass, still no call or sign of her. I call again, and no answer. I wait another 30 minutes, and again no answer. So I call up a buddy who lives in this city and we meet up downtown to go to a concert. Then at 6:30 my phone rings, and it's this girl. I was still at the concert, so I didn't answer. She calls a few more times, but I let them ring, waiting for a voicemail or text. I never got either, so I never got back to her. I figure if this girl asks me out and can't adhere to her own plans that she's not worth it. Even a simple phone call earlier on saying she'd be late would be acceptable. But instead I get a call 2-and-a-half hours after our schedule meet-up time. This isn't even the first time this has happened. A few months back I was going to be in the same city during the day, but wanted to meet up with this girl I had been in touch with for a while. I told her I'd call her at 5, and then head over to her neck of the woods so we could grab some drinks. She agreed, and I figured all would go well. I even called her the day before to confirm everything. The day of the date I give her a call at 5. It goes to voicemail. I call again about 15 minutes later. Voicemail again. I then send a text later. No response. I then got some food, and after about an hour of no response from her, I go home. The next day I get a text from her. Turns out her phone died and she waited till the next day to charge it. It's funny, when I'm expecting a call I usually make sure ahead of time that my phone's on, or charged. And if I don't hear from the person, I'll check my phone to see if they called. Then came the kicker..... The day of the date she somehow ended up in a city 4 hours away!!! Was she there for a while and decided to stay an extra day? Did she just up and go to that city without telling me? I never found out. I stopped responding to her texts and deleted her number. So, is this just me this is happening to? Or does this happen to anyone else? Why would someone be so careless or self-absorbed as to ask someone out and then not show up or remain out of contact or go to another city? These flakes messed up my schedule for the entire day. I could've been at home sleeping or getting work done, but instead I go out of my way to travel to them and then they flake out.
SmileFace Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 So, is this just me this is happening to? NO Or does this happen to anyone else? Yes Why would someone be so careless or self-absorbed as to ask someone out and then not show up or remain out of contact or go to another city? I don't know I try to figure this out all the time. Well not the "another city" part. Sorry this happened , you will get over it :-)
Cee Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I think flaking is pretty rare, but it is a horrible experience. One time somebody flaked on me while I was on my way to NYC to see him. It was so obvious to me that him flaking at the last minute was a total bail out on the dating opportunity. Never spoke to him again. When people cancel at the last minute, it is 99.9% for b.s. In all my years of dating, I have never cancelled last minute or had to cancel. Although once, I had to leave town for a funeral and delay a third date. But I called him right away and kept him completely in the loop. Flaking is so outside my experience that I don't understand it, but I know it happens. I hear the stories. I have a hunch that women flake more than men. I doubt many men set up dates that they have no interest in going on.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Thats sounds horrible. There are no excuses for their behaviour. It's hard to avoid flaky people so you need to up your zero tolerance policy for those with " no response"- itis. Confirm the day before the date. Chances are if they're going to flake, they're going to want to avoid your calls anyway. The only thing you can be certain is whether they're going to be responsive. Second, if a girl is going to flake, don't wait 2 hours for them to come. A girl who is apologtic about being late will let you know she's on her way. I have a track record for being late, but I always apologize even if I get there 10-15 mins late.
dispatch3d Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Kinda narcisstic of them to just flake out and not give a damn how it effects you. That's my take. Also stop making such elaborate plans for first dates. Way too much commitment early on. I wouldn't attempt to overextend myself at all just cause of how girls are.
fishtaco Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 That's just how it is. Sorry. I have my own car, I try to setup first dates somewhere I don't have to go out of my way, or if I go someplace where if she doesn't show up, I'll have a good time anyway, maybe hit on a couple more girls there. Basically, always count on the possibility of flaking, and if possible have a plan B. Don't ask why, it won't do you any good. Just know this is how it is, and be prepared for it. I say good job pulling out the friend w/ concert. Sounds like you had a good night anyway. Also good job cutting her out. That shows you don't have low self esteem issues.
Author NG85 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 I have a hunch that women flake more than men. I doubt many men set up dates that they have no interest in going on. I absolutely agree. I live near NYC, which has millions upon millions of single people living within a very small area. It seems that the options for women, especially in their 20's, are limitless when it comes to dating there because you encounter so many people on a daily basis. In my experience, it seems like a lot of these girls will just forget about a guy because of the smallest thing, mostly because they have so many options open. I've been out with girls in the city and the dates have gone great, but then after that I'd never hear from them again, and I can never figure out why. It's almost like they have dating ADD, or are just going out for free food or drinks. I'm on a dating site where I get profile matches from women who live near me, as well as in NYC. The ones in NYC seem much more interesting and are nicer to look at, but they have this certain level of pretentiousness about them. Like they'll have a paragraph on their profiles dedicated to what they're NOT looking for, as opposed to what they are looking for, and the list of what they don't want is really nitpicky stuff, or things that will rule out 98% of all men. Then they'll have a symbol by their name that denotes that they never respond to any messages, when you know they probably receive a ton. It's almost like a game - They sign up for a dating site and upload new pictures or update their profiles every day, yet see it as a joke. And then if they do go on a date, they can't view it seriously because it's from a site they're not serious about.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Next time, in the future, do not try to establish communication so much. Hats off to you, to make sure that your attempt was seen. But it honestly takes a phone call and a text. That's all. That's it. If they don't reply, you've saved yourself some time and energy, and you'll probably have found some new plans or some new pussy to jump in to. Cheers, you've thoroughly nexted a couple wastes of time.
Author NG85 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 Dispatch3d - I agree, traveling that far might have been a bit elaborate. But the girls where we met up are much more interesting than those in my neck of the woods, so I keep going back. Who knows, maybe I'll find someone near where I live, but there are much more options in the big city. Fishtaco - Great advice, I've sort of thought about the possibility of having a plan B, but never really acted on it. Strange that I actually did try setting up a plan B yesterday ahead of time just in case, and my date just happened to flake out on me. Maybe it was a self-fulfilled prophecy?
jane100 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) Well NG, to be flaked out like that in my mind is unspeakably rude, I'd actually be furious and I think I'd let them know too. Sounds like you need to confirm the day before though - absolutely. p.s. I am from the UK, I thought there was a shortage of guys in New York City ! I wonder how internet dating compares between the two countries. I am sure it is alot more amateurish here. Edited February 28, 2011 by jane100
fishtaco Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Fishtaco - Great advice, I've sort of thought about the possibility of having a plan B, but never really acted on it. Strange that I actually did try setting up a plan B yesterday ahead of time just in case, and my date just happened to flake out on me. Maybe it was a self-fulfilled prophecy? Haha, no that's just called being prepared. Sometimes I'll even have plan C set up. I call it pattern recognition. You know this pattern is reoccurring, so you prepare for it. It's pointless to get mad. I mean, being mad at the majority of the female population is like A LOT of mad. Only super villains have that much mad to go around. Better to just be prepared and go with the flow. The next step of preparedness, if you're not doing this already, is to multi date. Because even after they pass the flake test, they'll most likely start doing the hot and cold thing. So if you multi date, you drastically increase your chances that at least one of them will be hot at any given time. Again, pattern recognition. Find the reoccurring themes, and have an answer for every one of them. You'll feel like you're Nostradamus and could predict the future - in fact, it already happened yesterday. She flaked, and good thing you have plan B.
GivenUp0083 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Flaking is actually fairly common, and I'd say it's extremely prevelant in the younger ages (18-25). I think people who flake do so for many various reasons all revolving around flaws in their personality. They could be insecure about meeting someone, so despite wanting to, they can't bring themselves to do it. They like someone else, and like having the option of another person to see in case their priority person situation goes to ****. They've been hurt in the past and wary of going any farther. They just don't care about other people's feelings. They are disorganized. All reasons not to date someone in my opinion. When someone flakes on me, they automatically fall to the bottom of the priority list in my life. By this I mean, they can flake once on me, and once they do so, I will no longer initiate contact, I will no longer initiate a meeting request, and I will only agree to meet them at a date/time that I have absolutely nothing else better going on. If I really need to do laundry on wednesday and she wants to meet up that afternoon, I'm going to tell her I'm too busy.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 @NG85 As you can already see this is common and more or less unavoidable in the dating world. Whoever said that women may be more likely to do this than men... That is set up a date they have no intention of going on... is correct. We have seen in various threads here that some women have no stomach what so ever for rejecting a man directly. So they'll agree to the date, not show up, and hope you "get the hint". Whoever said that some women may go on dates just for free food and entertainment. Yes. I know for a fact there are women who do just that. Do men flake out on dates yes they do. All the freaking time. In that case the man more or less looses his nerve. I don't think men set up dates they have no intention of going on. When a man flakes it's less premeditated than a woman...more impulsive. In my own dating life if someone cancels on me without reasonable forenotice, and does not offer another date or time that's it. If they offer another date and/or time I keep the door open. Someone just not showing up at the appointed time and place with no attempt at communication is totally unacceptable.
lululucy Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I'll be honest, I've definitely flaked out on dates before. I've never no-showed on a guy, that would just be unbelievable, but I've postponed indefinitely those dates where I was really just not attracted to the guy. I have always given notice of a day or at least 12 hours. As the other posters have said, I think it's pretty damn common.
GivenUp0083 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I'll be honest, I've definitely flaked out on dates before. I've never no-showed on a guy, that would just be unbelievable, but I've postponed indefinitely those dates where I was really just not attracted to the guy. I have always given notice of a day or at least 12 hours. As the other posters have said, I think it's pretty damn common. You know, if you would just tell the guy "hey, I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested in going on a date with you" that more times than none the guy would feel a lot better you told him honestly than flaked him. He'd probably thank you for being honest and his perception of you would be in high regard. Doing the indefinite postponement actually creates a negative perception in his mind about you, and it very frustrating to the male mind. I'm sure you could care less, but just be wary of the fact people network and talk, and you never know who you flake on or treat poorly is related to/friends with/works with and that you'll never cross their path ever again. It's a much smaller world than you think.
betterdeal Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 You seem to invest too much into your dates. That sets you up for a fall, and it probably puts the other person off the date too. Why are you travelling so far to meet someone?I take it you're meeting online and going from there. It rarely works. Meet girls in your neighbourhood. Don't worry about it. Suggest meeting up do something you enjoy doing and, if they want to, great and, if they don't great because you can move on and stop wasting your resources chasing something that aint going to happen. The older I get, the more I realise that the harder you try, the less it happens.
Author NG85 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 The older I get, the more I realise that the harder you try, the less it happens. Yeah, I definitely agree. Online dating is really tricky, and sometimes success could come from a great amount of effort, or from very little effort. In my first foray a few years back, I was younger and had more free time so I was able to really put a lot of effort into chatting up girls online. It would get to the point where sometimes I'd talk to them a few hours a night before meeting. My last girlfriend and I chatted for hours each night online for a couple of months before we actually met - Once we did meet we really hit it off and it was like we already knew one another. Likewise, this last "date" I had set up was the one I put the least effort into - And the girl didn't even show up. But I've been on dates where myself and the girl emailed at least once a day for a month and then we have the date and find out we aren't compatible. It's a lot easier to meet someone in person because you can determine then and there if you're attracted to them or to see what they're really like. Then if you do go out, you already have a feel for one another. But like I mentioned before, it's hard for me to meet people in my age range where I live, so I have to venture a little further out of my home area to meet women.
mtber75 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Flaky behavior is just a pattern for these people! They are the ones who always show up late for work! They are just irresponsible!
Eddie Edirol Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Hey NG, I have a suggestion for you. I found out that women who are ACTUALLY interested in going on the date with me will send a confirmation text the day before the date, the morning of the date, and some time before the date to make sure we are meeting up. And not in the form of confirmations, in form of conversation. So If I dont get a text or call at least the same day from a planned date, I assume she will flake. I text or call assuming they will not answer and if they dont, I dont waste my time going to the meeting place. Especially if I have to take a train to meet up. Screw them. I dont know what the deal is, but usually, the ones that are interested in me keep in touch days before the date. Anything less, I assume its not happening. I say you use that as your litmus test. You also have to assume that even if they ask you out, that they could be multi daters and you might not be the only one, and could get bumped for someone they deem a better fit. Such is life. if you dont take the date seriously until the last moment, you dont have to be dissapointed when it doesnt happen. There have been a few women that flaked on me, but it was no skin off my back because i expected it, and didnt waste time getting ready. Felt really good actually.
jane100 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Eddie, I usually don't chat much before, if at all. I don't normally send a text message the day before, or even on the day, though usually a man does confirm the day before. But if its a definite arrangement, i.e. time, place, I'm not flakey and I always turn up!!!! p.s. Perhaps flaking out like that is less common amongst older people {or people in the UK. }. I hope I never have to eat my words on that one.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Eddie, I usually don't chat much before, if at all. I don't normally send a text message the day before, or even on the day, though usually a man does confirm the day before. But if its a definite arrangement, i.e. time, place, I'm not flakey and I always turn up!!!! p.s. Perhaps flaking out like that is less common amongst older people {or people in the UK. }. I hope I never have to eat my words on that one. I think it's a generational thing for the most part. Those who are younger than me don't seem to make any firm plans for anything more than 3 hours in advance.
jane100 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I think it's a generational thing for the most part. Those who are younger than me don't seem to make any firm plans for anything more than 3 hours in advance. yes, probably true. if a man my own age (40s) in the UK stood me up - I think it would a slightly shocking thing to do - if you confirmed the day before of course.
dispatch3d Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 yes, probably true. if a man my own age (40s) in the UK stood me up - I think it would a slightly shocking thing to do - if you confirmed the day before of course. The age gap probably has the most effect on it. Younger people are (on average) much less responsible than older people. Another big factor with responsibility is kids/who you have to take after/etc. Basically the more independant people get, the more responsible they become (out of necessity). At least hopefully those who are independant are responsible, otherwise they are really just out to lunch hahaha. Anyhow, I think its more of a negative reflection on our society that so many young women cannot handle going on dates anymore. This may be not well received by the female posters, and fair enough it paints you in a relatively bad light. Still, as a guy this sort of thing is not enjoyable.
daphne Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Eddie, I usually don't chat much before, if at all. I don't normally send a text message the day before, or even on the day, though usually a man does confirm the day before. But if its a definite arrangement, i.e. time, place, I'm not flakey and I always turn up!!!! p.s. Perhaps flaking out like that is less common amongst older people {or people in the UK. }. I hope I never have to eat my words on that one. Pretty much the same for me. If we already committed to a date and time, I'm planning on being there. If you stand me up, I will hunt you down like the dog that you are and shoot you. kidding. I just won't ever respond to another text! p.s. are you saying that the Brits have higher integrity than Americans?
Movingthrough Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) "hey, I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested in going on a date with you" The lack of something like this above is why the OP is not happy, and i agree with him. To me, he is just being mature and honoring his plans and his word by meeting up with these girls. They made a plan, and she broke it, so why not just say you dont want to do it? This to me is imaturity on her part and i think it goes down to girls never wanting to have conflict, so they just say nothing. I cant stand that, if you make a plan stick with it. The problem is nowadays "putting to much into it" is used instead of the word maturity. Why make a plan if you dont want too? And if you dont want too, then why not have the maturity to say so? Big pet peeve of mine, to me its too easy to be honest. Edited March 3, 2011 by Movingthrough
Recommended Posts