johan Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 The relationship wasn't working. It's been five years since I drew that line. I know a lot of it is pride, and maybe ego. Because I often think what if I had handled things differently... Would she still be here? It was my own failure I have to face. How convenient it would be just to paint her with the brush of blame, so I could actually live with myself. Exonerrated. But I know if I saw her right now, my heart would point toward her like a compass. That's why I think of her so often. And hearing about her stirs up feelings and faint hopes. I don't know how people live with themselves when something like this happens. Time doesn't turn a personal failure into a success or change the fact that there is this person out in the world who belongs next to you but isn't. My solution is to isolate myself and find meaningless distractions that make the time between sleeping go by as thoughtlessly as possible. And to take no more risks with my heart.
Isolde Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 What good is this self-flagellation doing you? It's been five years, and I'm guessing it's past time for you to try again, whether with her or with someone else. I understand that your relationship was something rare and special, but if after five years you're still unable to come to terms with this one way or another, something's just going to have to change if you want to be happy again.
Author johan Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 It's doing me no good. I've always been wired this way. It takes so much effort to connect with the idea that it was something she could have fixed, too. She threw it away as much as or more than I did. And even if I do connect with it, that doesn't alter the belief that the relationship would have survived if not for my own failures. I can't forgive myself. That's the source of the pain and the thing that keeps me from taking any more chances. In this respect, I understand Woggle. What is clear to everyone else just isn't to him. And his whole life is built on beliefs everyone else thinks would be ridiculous if they weren't so much more harmful. But it's burned into who he is, and that's so hard to change. 1
Isolde Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 But you've just admitted the R ending wasn't only your fault. Ultimately, if this thought pattern is making you happy, you're free to continue it, just as if Woggle's is doing so to him.
tinktronik Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I think a lot of us have the one that got away stuck in our minds. I, for many years, blamed myself for messing up what I though was an amazing relationship. After more than a decade I revisited the relationship with this person to find that I had built this person up to something in my mind that either did not ever exist or only did in that moment and would not have been sustainable. There was nothing really there and maybe was never there at all. Johan, relationships are hard, hard to sustain, hard to not have and hard to be in at the same time. There are things you gain from any relationship and things you lose. You just decide what cost to benefit you are able to live with. Your relationship ended because your two ways of balancing these needs did not work for one or both of you. This suggests that you would do well to stop building up this woman in your mind and to start living, see if you can find that person who can balance well with your needs and desires and who's you can satisfy as well or if you personally are happier single.
Citizen Erased Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 You can't possibly blame yourself for this. From what I recall of your threads regarding your breakup, she wasn't giving you what you needed. Your reasons were valid. She wasn't capable of making you happy, not in the long run. It's probably easy to forget that 5 years after the fact. She's not perfect anymore than you are.
Kamille Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) Wanna know what Freud would say? (Pardon me if I don't snort coke before dolling out advice) This is your ego picking at scabs because your super-ego won't let your id express itself. It has little to do with your ex. More to do with your super-ego's need to control your urges and desire for unguarded pleasure. The result is, you're not happy and your ego is trying to figure out why. The easiest most accessible trope is that heartbreak. Your super-ego wins. You go on repressing your urges and punishing yourself for having them in the first place. Did you do anything recently that made you feel happy, childlike, carefree? It could be that that feeling triggered your Id, which in turn is putting your super-ego in over-drive. hmm, wait! Did the word over-drive exist in the 1920s? :confused:Maybe I'm not channelling Freud after all! Edited February 28, 2011 by Kamille
Author johan Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 Good responses. Thanks, everyone. I find myself trudging through the past every once in a while. Particularly when a (stupid) friend drags me there, which is hazardous when too many beers are part of the mix. I do realize the relationship ended for a reason: because it wasn't moving forward, and if she had her way, it never would. I did what I thought was best for me, in theory, by ending it. But now I have to live with the strange irony that my life hasn't moved forward without her either. My career is going well, but my personal life isn't even stuck in neutral. It seems to have no motor. I have a hard time motivating myself to change that. Like Isolde said: these things are a choice, and I know that I often choose the unsatisfying path. It's not my fault though. It's just the stupid matrix.. It's out of my control. Except I'm still trying to make sense out of what you said, Kamille. Usually I kind of get psychology, but that bit of analysis was a bit over my head.
florence of suburbia Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 You told me last April very coherently that you did the best you could. You wanted to get close to her and she wouldn't allow it. It takes two, and she didn't want to be close to you. How could you possibly have handled it differently? Were you supposed to stuff your own dreams just to keep her showing up? You were honest about what you wanted. What she was willing to give and what you wanted didn't mesh up. It's hard to swallow that she didn't want it enough. But once you admit that to yourself the rest is easy. It takes two. One person didn't want it. End of report.
Jannah Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Not trying to make light of the situation, but I thought you mentioned once that you had caught her walking around naked in front of the gardener, or something like that.... Is this the same woman?
florence of suburbia Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 To put it a different way without using the word "want" six times.... Your heart was breaking while you were still together. That is why you took a stand when you did. Now your heart is still broken but at least you don't have false hope. Imagine what a loser you'd feel like if she came back and you allowed things to start back up just exactly the way they were before.
Kamille Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Except I'm still trying to make sense out of what you said, Kamille. Usually I kind of get psychology, but that bit of analysis was a bit over my head. The gist of it is: I'm getting a sense that you're an extremely composed individual. Someone who sets goals and acheives them. I think somehow somewhere you've integrated the belief that success leads to happiness. Except maybe lately you aren't feeling too happy, and your natural inclination, when feeling unhappy, is to try to figure out why. Since success=happiness, you go looking for failure. Except, you're talented and successful. But there is one area where you feel you failed: that relationship, years ago. So, when you're feeling down, you rehash that relationship. The relationship isn't making you feel down, feeling down activates the memories of the relationship. so it's the the depressive moments you need to recognize. so my spoof freud solution was to suggest you let your id have a field day, and start focusing on things that make you feel pleasure. Ease up on yourself. You are a successful person - but success, while precious for well-being, isn't a garantee of happiness. Knowing how to relax is.
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