Coping with thoughts of divorce

[M1A]

Hi, this seems like an active forum and the internet is a good place to seek the guidance of strangers on subjects that it isn't possible to talk to real life people about. I apologise that this is really quite a self-indulgent post.

 

I'm in my early 30s, have been with my now wife for over a decade and married for some of that. We have child under a year who I love greatly. Thoughts of divorce have been running through my head. I can't sleep because I keep running scenarios of what I should do and what the results would be. I snapped at someone at work last week for the first time in the 8 years I've been working with my company. I think it is cracking me up but I can't get rid of these thoughts.

 

I do not want to leave my child. I am a child of a single parent. My mother had a very hard time, we were very poor and there wasn't really any child support back then. My father was not a great guy and I have tried so hard not to be him but now these thoughts are in my head and it makes me so sad.

 

I met my wife when I was very young. She was in a very difficult family situation. Her mother was getting some treatments for mental illness and her step-father was abusive. I did the right thing by stepping in and confronting him when he was let out of jail and went straight back to being abusive to my wife's mother. I didn't do it to win my wife's favour but because I believe in not standing by and letting evil happen. My wife was young too, I was 18 and she was 17 at the time and we knew each other because we were from the same community.

 

So not long after we started dating and it was fun. I had never had anyone other express feelings of romantic love towards me before and I thought it was great.

 

It wasn't always great but we stuck together even when we were apart while we went to different colleges - she didn't get into the highly regarded one I did. I used to visit her most weekends but it isn't the same as being together all the time. We rented out a place together after college and I got a good job and put her through post-grad education. She was stressed quite a lot. At the time she said it would be better once her studies were finished. They took 4 years.

 

Then she was stressed because after finishing, it took her a while to get a job. She was pretty depressed but I did what I could to help her through it. I felt and still do that it was my responsibility to keep her as happy as possible. Her stress caused her to shout at me, to be hyper critical. There are things I never learnt properly and she has taught me a lot about housework for instance which I am grateful for. It was a hard learning curve though with her being so angry over things I didn't think mattered as much but I made it up to her by taking her on dates, bringing her into my social circle, and helping to proof-read her very long thesis.

 

When she did get a job, she hated it. She was quite stressed. We were both working but we talked a lot about having a family. I really wanted a family I guess because my own upbringing had been quite hard. Perhaps it was just me being selfish. We would argue over the slightest thing. I decided to take 6 months out of arguing and just be nice when she got mad at me. It didn't make the slightest difference. My failings in using too much water when I wash the dishes, in not having a very big range of meals I can book etc were always thrown back at me. My inflexibility in not being able to change to her way of doing things caused no end of arguments. I spent more and more time indulging in a nerdy hobby and took lots of opportunities to be away from her.

 

I contemplated leaving her then and told a good friend one day that I was going to that evening. I didn't because I wanted to make things work and for us to be a family. It is what I have wanted most of all.

 

Instead, we talked things over and made a decision. She would agree to having a family if we got married. That seemed reasonable to me. We had a great wedding and we both put a lot of effort into it. She did get pretty stressed about it but given the workload in sorting out these events it was understandable. We bought a house so we would have somewhere to live after we got married. It cost me a lot but it seemed worth it.

 

So things seemed on the up. The prospect of having a family made it worth putting up with the criticism and the shouting. I can shout back quite loudly but I know that in these sorts of situations it is the man that must make the reconciliatory move afterwards. We didn't have much luck early on in trying for kids. I went to the doctors to see if there was something the matter but I figured that it would either happen or I was fated not to be able to impregnate her.

 

Then I got a great job, really great. We moved for it and she gave up her job that she hated. The move was a bit stressful for her because she had to get used to a new place while I had the luxury of spending a lot of time at work. I tried to make it as easy for her as possible but I know I have a lot of failings and I am not that good at sorting out the little things - I'm much better with the big things which is why my job is in strategy & comms.

 

After several months of bickering which must have been at least as much my fault as it was hers, she made a confession. She'd been taking contraceptives for years. I was very upset. She told me that she'd just stopped and she'd got pregnant at the first time afterwards. I was very happy.

 

I did everything for her. She had a rough pregnancy and didn't feel well. I was working 12-14 hour days which didn't include the interruptions to sort out her meals and give her someone to talk to. After finishing work each night I'd be doing all of the household chores but the prospect of a kid while enjoying my great job made it all worthwhile for me.

 

The birth went without major problem. Holding my beautiful daughter in my arms for the first time just after she was born is the greatest moment of my life. My wife spent a few days in hospital recovering and learning how to feed the baby etc.

 

Since then, I've tried to do everything I can for the baby. I'm not as good as my wife at it. I think it a little unfair because she has had so much more practice than me. Still, she calls me useless all the time. I'm a waste of space and am slowing her down when I can't keep up to speed with her routine.

 

My daughter is in bed by the time I get home from work each evening and i only see her at the weekends. My wife goes to bed pretty early but most nights I'm back in time to cook her a meal. I know it is hard raising a child, much harder than the job I do. She doesn't get time to shower more than a couple times a week. I have that luxury almost every day. Still, it is hard to take the criticism constantly.

 

We don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I've been kicked out of the bedroom because I wake her (and apparently the baby?) up in the night as I'm too light a sleeper. I wouldn't be bothering her for intercourse anyway given how tired she is. She has told me that our relationship is failing because I am not giving it enough emotional support. I think she might be right.

 

For the first few months after the baby was born she must have been depressed. She spoke about divorce often. I just ignored it as a phase. Now, it is going through my head. She asked me last week if I wanted a divorce and I said no. I'm not sure that was an honest answer.

 

I hope I will be able to spend more time with my daughter as she needs less sleep in the future but I am currently like an estranged father in seeing her only on the weekends. This wasn't what I imagined when I thought of being there in the way my own father chose not to be. I love the time I do spend with her. The weekends are full of chores of course but I try and spend as much time with my daughter as I can. When the baby's having a nap, my wife expects me to talk to her but I know I'm increasingly distant and it is possibly my fault that she shouts at me so much. My mother used to scream at my father on the rare occasions he visited us so I've seen it quite a lot before anyway.

 

I'm sure there's more to it than just my side of the story and I have probably made a lot of mistakes. Still, my thoughts of divorce are compounded because I am so happy in my job. I meet a lot of people, I do interesting things, I am respected. I almost dread going home after work because I know my daughter will be asleep and I know I'll end up being miserable.

 

My father left. I don't want to. I'm so miserable. I have everything I've wanted - a child, a good wage, a nice place to live, a great job. I know it is wrong to be thinking of divorce and of leaving when I have so much that should be fulfilling me. I think every day about leaving. I'm probably being a coward and running away from the difficulty like my father did.

 

Apologies for being so self-indulgent and writing a long post about myself. I wonder whether others who have contemplated or actually did leave coped with the dilemma and the negative thoughts. I feel it is pulling me apart.

[willowthewisp]

Well firstly the way you tell it, it sounds like your wife is emotioanlly abusive, BUT, like you said there are two sides to every story and perhaps this is not the case and your wife is simply reacting to the problems within your marriage with this shouting etc.

 

Secondly, not once have you said that you have spoken to your wife about how you are feeling. Have you? If not before you even consider leaving you need to sit down with your wife in a calm quiet enviroment, away from the baby and tell her you aren't happy and ask her if she is, then you need to make your marriage a priority.

 

Scale back your work hours because to be honest, it sounds like you work a lot and I think maybe your wife is finding things a bit difficult at home on her own all the time with the baby, you say she asks you to talk to her, she's on her own all day everyday, I'm not surprised she would like some adult conversation and then you need to book in with a Marriage guidance Counseller.

 

You have invested a long time in this relationship, that isn't something you should just give up because it is easier than fighting for it, a new relationship will take work as well and the two of you are family and your child. Only when you have tried, really tried and communicated about this should you even contemplate a divorce, which is a joint decision, not a unilateral one.

 

Edit - I just wanted to add that if your wife really is an emotional abuser, as in she deliberately bullies and belittles you, manipulates and controls then obviously you need to take a very firm line, that she gets help and individual counselling because you cannot continue to live like that. However, I am reluctant to jump to that conclusion because although you have mentionned some things that she not be saying "you're useless" etc, I can understand that if she is raising a child a home all day, no time to shower, doing all the household chores, no adult interaction and you are prioritising work ahead of all else then well, that's difficult and can make a person behave in ways they would not otherwise. May I ask why you are not home in time to put the baby to bed?

Edited February 27, 2011 by willowthewisp

[M1A]

Thanks, that's fair. I'm probably to blame in any case. It is not that things are particularly worse now I work harder, just now I don't have the future hope that I've dangled in front of myself for so long.

 

I just can't leave the meetings etc to get home early enough for bed time - bed time is around 6-7 and meetings typically wrap up from 6. I work in a long hours career and there are quite a few days I am supposed to be entertaining clients in the evening. Where I can I try and get back home to arrange dinner and talk before going back out for representational work in the evening. I try to do emails etc at home after my wife has gone to bed. I'm aware that divorce rates are high among those in long hours professions.

 

I've tried to sit down and talk to her calmly and rationally at various points over the years but without much success at us being particularly calm or us sticking to agreements for more than a couple of days. Maybe a mediator is a sensible option because I haven't done a great job at making things better and I've had many years of failing to make it better. Thanks for the robust advice.

[willowthewisp]

My ex worked in the exact same job as you. When he left me he told me it was because he wanted someone he could see when he felt like it and that I was controlling over his time.

 

This is how it was from my side of things. My ex worked 14 hours a day, he regualrly brought his work home with home. He entertained clients and attended after work events on average 3 times per week. He organised conferences and went away from home for this purpose regualrly, sometimes involving Friday nights which meant he did not get home until late Saturday afternoon. I wondered if he was having an affair, but no, he really was working.

 

When he took a vacation, which was rare, he would bring work home to do whilst on vacation. On my birthday or an anniversary, he would book a day off work, but he would bring his work home with him and do it the night before and get up at 4 am to work whilst I slept. He thought this was OK because I was asleep, but what it actually meant was that he was too tired to have fun, or even pay me any proper attention for our day out.

 

Even when he was home, he would play video games for hours on end and when I would complain he would say he needed to, he needed time to relax. If I asked him to just watch a movie with me or sit for a half hour to talk, as I had been on by own all day, he would for a few mins, then say he was bored, it wasn't his kind of movie and he would go upstairs and play video games.

 

He did nothing around the house, no housework, he didn't even maintain his car or the garden. I did everything, the garden, the housework, the laundry, cleaned his car out, cleaned his shoes, pressure washed the stonework, painting, decorating, you name it, I did it.

 

He would quite happily take a day off work to go out with friends, but he didn't take me on a date in ten years. He said I should be happy because he took me out on a Saturday afternoon to the shopping mall and answered emails/ignored me whilst I looked round the shops.

 

I used to complain and we would sometimes argue about his long working hours and how I felt neglected. Each time he told me he would change and begged me not to leave him. In the last 3 or 4 years we were together, I stopped, I decided this was just something I had to accept if I wanted to be with him and I loved him so I stopped complaining.

 

When he left, he used my lonliness and twisted it as a excuse to leave me. Said it was my fault, I was controlling and demanded to much of his time, I was too dependant on him. That REALLY hurt. I've been in IC and in my case it seems my ex was committment phobic (we had been together 20 years and he left me right after we booked our wedding) and so this was the only thing he could come up with as an excuse to leave. He even admitted things had been good and I had stopped arguing with him and thanked me for it!

 

My point and the reason I am telling you all this, is that whilst in my situation my ex was most definately using it as an excuse, he had what he wanted, he did what he wanted with no regard for my feelings and I never said anything about it anymore, I think in your situation your wife feels negelected emotionally.

 

You have to ask yourself what is more important, your job or your family? It is as simple as that. Do you want to only see your child every other weekend? Do you want her to have a step daddy? Because that is what will happen if you go the divorce route.

 

Whilst I get you aren't happy, neither is your wife. Like I said before, perhaps I am worng and perhaps your wife really is emotionally abusive, but I just get the feeling that she isn't and that she is sick of feeling neglected. I know you aren't doing it deliberately and just want to provide for your family, but these long work hours could very well end up costing you your family. What is more important? You feel a boost to your self esteem at work and all you get at home is criticsm, but these work hours are causing the problems at home.

 

Please get into MC, I really hope you two can work this out, because the pain of divorce is indescriable and to be honest, if you leave and find someone else in the future, the same process will happen again over time because the the cause will still be there.

 

Hope I have been perceptive here and have not projected my own feelings on to your situation, just felt familiar.

[M1A]

Thank you Willow. I'm very grateful you have taken the time to respond to me. I am very sorry for the way things turned out for you. I hope that you might take a moment of pause at some point in the future and reflect that your efforts to save some stranger from being treated the way you were is a real credit to you and a small part of a much bigger whole that I hope brings you pride.

 

While my situation isn't exactly the same and there is inevitably some projection, there are plenty of similarities that give me much to ponder. Thank you for that. I am the words guy in my family, my wife is better at numbers so she isn't able to articulate her side of a story in the way you have beeen able to here.

 

I realise that I have projected too much of my own background into my models of possible future outcomes. I never had a step-father, just a fiercely protective mother so I hadn't thought of that.

 

I have changed over the years and it isn't just the longer hours. Having a fulfilling job and working with a range of people who I get on well with has shown me that I'm perhaps not such a bad person after all. It is the comparison between terrific work life and struggling marital life that throws it into unfavourable relief.

 

I'll look into this counselling. My normal approach would be to take it on the chin and just toughen up - after all some of the criticisms are entirely correct in that I have put on 20 pounds mostly since I got injured and found running very difficult, and I've never been very handy with a set of power tools. Still, making myself and my wife happy at the same time is not something I've succeeded at recently so it probably is time to buy-in some outside expertise which to a (much cheaper) extent I've done here I guess.

[willowthewisp]

Thank you Willow. I'm very grateful you have taken the time to respond to me. I am very sorry for the way things turned out for you. I hope that you might take a moment of pause at some point in the future and reflect that your efforts to save some stranger from being treated the way you were is a real credit to you and a small part of a much bigger whole that I hope brings you pride.

 

While my situation isn't exactly the same and there is inevitably some projection, there are plenty of similarities that give me much to ponder. Thank you for that. I am the words guy in my family, my wife is better at numbers so she isn't able to articulate her side of a story in the way you have beeen able to here.

 

I realise that I have projected too much of my own background into my models of possible future outcomes. I never had a step-father, just a fiercely protective mother so I hadn't thought of that.

 

I have changed over the years and it isn't just the longer hours. Having a fulfilling job and working with a range of people who I get on well with has shown me that I'm perhaps not such a bad person after all. It is the comparison between terrific work life and struggling marital life that throws it into unfavourable relief.

 

I'll look into this counselling. My normal approach would be to take it on the chin and just toughen up - after all some of the criticisms are entirely correct in that I have put on 20 pounds mostly since I got injured and found running very difficult, and I've never been very handy with a set of power tools. Still, making myself and my wife happy at the same time is not something I've succeeded at recently so it probably is time to buy-in some outside expertise which to a (much cheaper) extent I've done here I guess.

 

Thank you for your kind words, I just know the pain of being left and I try to help because I don't wish it on anyone.

 

I wish you the best in MC and I hope that your wife responds well to the suggestion. She may well be angry at first, so just be prepared for that! Please do keep posting and updating.