What Causes Doubts?

[zengirl]

3 or 4 fights in Jan plus 1 fight in mid-Feb makes for 4-5 fights in 6 or 7 weeks.

 

That is a lot, and I don't think you're doing either of you any justice by disconnecting the January fights from the Feb one, especially if they were about the same thing, ie, you misunderstanding something the he said.

 

On the same lines, you say you don't want to walk on eggshells, or be afraid to fight, yet is it possible he was starting to feel like he had to walk on eggshells for fear of causing a miscommunication?

 

Maybe, but I never attacked him over the miscommunications. At least half of the fights started with him being frustrated. It's not like I was hen-pecking him. I also never came from a place of anger or whatnot; I sincerely sought to problem-solve. Yes, it was a lot of fights in a short span. We were both extremely stressed. I suppose I am still a bit angry that he decided to express doubts and pull this at this particular time, which happened to be the pinnacle of my work stress. And he knew it would be.

 

So are you saying that you have done nothing but be the most patient, understanding, non-fight-initiating person in the relationship where he was responsible for 100% of the miscommunications and that he took everything you did the wrong way?

 

Of course not. But I never attacked him or anything like that, and I didn't withdraw or leave. I was in it. I was willing to work through it. Now he says he is, but what has changed?

 

I've never said he was responsible for all the fights, nor even really criticized him here, except for (a) Walking away and (b) Having lackluster communication skills. Both of which he admits. I admit my faults as well. However, in response to direct comments here, I have pointed out things I did NOT do wrong. I said in the other thread that I pushed him at the wrong moment when he was withdrawing.

 

But, really, I didn't "do" anything to create these fights in some one-sided way like Ms. Joolie presented, nor were they giant fights (when I say "fight," I mean any kind of conflict that hinders emotional connection). I'm not even saying MY understanding was the right one --- but since I'm not the only one who misundersands him and he can't TRY to help me understand him, what else can I possibly do there but wait for them to happen and then deal with the misunderstanding. It's the way he deals with them (like it's so stressful) that bothers me.

 

He was a lovely guy, and the communication was something I truly wanted to solve (that was actually the POINT of the last thread, before we broke up). However, he disappeared. Emotionally, he was gone. I suppose that is the only source of anger and mistrust for me, and why I'm not sure the relationship can ever work again. In my view of relationships, you don't walk out until exhausted your options and there's nothing left to salvage. I stick. He didn't.

 

I could forgive that, if I could believe it wasn't doomed to happen again.

[zengirl]

Oh, okay, I get it. Thus the "communication snafu" as you put it. He says X and means Y, you hear X and make it mean Z.

 

Is he misunderstanding what you say, too? Or is this all you misunderstanding him? If it's all you misunderstanding him, he's probably thinking you're crazy. "Geez, she misunderstands me AND wants to fight about it!"

 

It's mutual. And when presented to outside parties, 90% think what I think, including his friends. I don't think he thinks I'm crazy; he's just frustrated. And you're still missing the point that I don't "start" the fights. WE had conflict about it; WE were in the fight. At least one of the fights I had no idea was a "fight" during or for weeks after, until HE called it that.

 

Though I think you're way overcomplicating it, and Woggle hit it more on the head with his 2 sentences. That's exactly how he felt. And he shouldn't have broken up over it (since he clearly doesn't want to be broken up now) and regrets that, BUT who's to say he won't do it again? That's my dilemma.

[zengirl]

I think you would do better with a guy who was a bit more independent-minded, a bit less socially adept, and a bit less concerned with making everyone happy, but basically decent at core. That shouldn’t be hard for you to find, since you like smart, geeky guys.

 

I will look for some research online and post links in a moment.

 

I'd love to see the links. I will say my exBF/BF is not socially adept. At all. He has social anxiety. He's worked through it, and you cannot really tell unless you know him well. He is decent. He is pretty independent, as he raised himself, but he is also dependable for others. A good man.

 

I don't buy into the commitmentphobia really. I think what he lacks is a way to work through interpersonal problems with people. He has the same recurring arguments with family members, and close/old friends, and all his good friends he sees every day are conflict-avoidant. I would say he is conflict-avoidant but not commitmentphobic, but conflict-avoidance is going to tear down relationships in similar cycles. Though actually he is very much more "fight" than flight in most situations, just not emotionally. I am "flight" pretty much in all conflict situations, though I force myself to assert my feelings in situations with a partner, after years of learning how to do so. But I do, to some level, resent having to re-assert the same feelings more than once. That may have caused us issues.

Edited February 27, 2011 by zengirl

[Kamille]

Maybe, but I never attacked him over the miscommunications.

 

 

Of course not. But I never attacked him or anything like that, and I didn't withdraw or leave.

I'm surprised that you bring up the notion of attack twice in a row. I certainly wasn't implying you attacked him. And I wonder, considering sentence two, if you felt attacked when he expressed doubts? Why the sudden focus on "attack"?

 

I've never said he was responsible for all the fights, nor even really criticized him here, except for (a) Walking away and (b) Having lackluster communication skills.

 

Which, according to you both, is the main reason your relationship isn't working. I would say that's therefore an important criticism, and certainly not one that either you or him can dismiss easily.

 

 

I'm not even saying MY understanding was the right one --- but since I'm not the only one who misundersands him and he can't TRY to help me understand him, what else can I possibly do there but wait for them to happen and then deal with the misunderstanding. It's the way he deals with them (like it's so stressful) that bothers me.

 

God, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes. Yes, I would find it extremely stressful if for some reason I didn't communicate like others, knew I didn't communicate like others, and was trying to maintain a relationship. Yes, I would get stressed out when my partner merely asked me to clarify something because it would make me feel like "ah damn, here I go being completely inadequate again." I might start doubting myself and the relationship over time if I saw that nothing I did helped improve the communication style. I might start doubting the relationship if it seemed like my lack of communication skills became the source of more problems over time not less (as in, I could imagine a scenario where a partner would eventually understand my communication style and not need clarification every single time I messed up).

 

I am not excusing him. I just get a sense that a part of you wants to find a way out, a way to understand why he might have doubts. I also get the impression that while he had expressed doubts about the relationship, said he wasn't sure he saw a future, you're the one who then broke up. Am I right about that?

[zengirl]

not exactly what I was looking for, but hopefully this will help your research if you choose to look further into this:

 

http://jonathan.mueller.faculty.noctrl.edu/crow/labsmon.htm

 

http://books.google.com/books?id=VgcGZ5sCEcIC&pg=PA581&lpg=PA581&dq=snyder+simpson+self+monitors&source=bl&ots=kxK6bNRUsq&sig=JNLHh_9UJOk3pp5iEwMwSdUtFQ8&hl=en&ei=HMlqTcreHcXflge0sLGCAg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3&ved=0CB4Q6AEwAg#v=onepage&q=snyder%20simpson%20self%20monitors&f=false

 

Oh, I know low SMs and high SMs. My ex is definitely a low SM. That is part of the problem. I, on the other hand, am a high SM. So, if anyone in there tends to choose partners based on activities/short term rather than values/long term, it'd likely be me, based on that research.

 

When I say he's a people-pleaser, I mean he's kind, good-hearted, and loving when he feels emotionally connective. He is also protective and a good representative of the masculine caretaker. But not indiscriminately so. I am more likely to try to please and appease strangers than he is. WAY more likely. I'm highly trained by years of advertising sales.

[heartshaped]

Zengirl, I have followed your threads about your [ex]boyfriend and your relationship because a lot of the issues and patterns mirrors my own relationship though in different ways. I think I am beginning to get a picture of what is happening in your relationship, but I can only base this upon what you have said so far.

 

First of all, he obviously doesn't like conflict. I can relate to this because neither do I. I associate conflict with unhappiness which I associate with breaking up. I think that his mind works the same way. He has a pattern of having doubts and ending his relationships and I'm sure if you asked him these doubts came from having arguments with his past girlfriends. He then regrets his decision, goes back to them, and does the same thing.

 

I think the first thing you need to do in order for this relationship to work is figure out why he dislikes confrontation so much. Is it because of the emotions that it causes within him (unhappiness, stress, etc.)? Is it because he associates it with people not being able to get along? Does he think confrontation leads to the end of relationships? There is some train of thinking that he has that makes him dislike confrontation and also makes him think that confrontation has to mean the end of a relationship. He has to get out of that train of thought for the sake of your relationship. If he cannot guarantee that he will, at least, try not to let confrontation bother him so much then, I wouldn't give it another chance.

 

Secondly Zengirl, I would be interested to know what, if any, other things the two of you have fought about and how did it come about? The reason I am asking is because I think that even though you don't mean to fight with him over this miscommunication you are indeed triggering these arguments. You know that this certain issue is not something that the two of you can talk about without fighting, but you keep pressing it.

 

At the least, I think you should have given the issue some time and then, brought it up again in a month or two if there hadn't been any change. Will he, at least, give his word to try to work on these communication issues?

 

I also have to ask you, were you happy with him besides this one issue?

[zengirl]

God, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes. Yes, I would find it extremely stressful if for some reason I didn't communicate like others, knew I didn't communicate like others, and was trying to maintain a relationship. Yes, I would get stressed out when my partner merely asked me to clarify something because it would make me feel like "ah damn, here I go being completely inadequate again." I might start doubting myself and the relationship over time if I saw that nothing I did helped improve the communication style. I might start doubting the relationship if it seemed like my lack of communication skills became the source of more problems over time not less (as in, I could imagine a scenario where a partner would eventually understand my communication style and not need clarification every single time I messed up).

 

I am not excusing him. I just get a sense that a part of you wants to find a way out, a way to understand why he might have doubts. I also get the impression that while he had expressed doubts about the relationship, said he wasn't sure he saw a future, you're the one who then broke up. Am I right about that?

 

I am not sure if I can say I was the one who broke up. I felt like he was about to break up with me. He said, "This isn't working" and "We're not compatible" which to me are both signs of impending break up. He mentioned a break, but then said, "Ah, man, this is only a delay," like we might as well break up. At each stage he hemmed and hawed. So, no, he never really said, "Let's break up." But he hever showed a desire to work through the doubts and it felt like it was coming. He also showed up to that date with a few drinks in him (I worked late, and he grabbed beers/dinner with friends first), though was way sober by then. The whole night, he didn't touch me and was withdrawn. To me, that is as good as broken up. I would honestly love to be able to say I ended it, but I think basically I was just clarifying what he'd already said.

 

Your clarification of his position and how he could feel is definitely true. However, I cannot magically understand him. I wish I could. So, if every misunderstanding is going to prompt this. . . . how can it survive? I really want to believe it CAN. But I'm finding it hard to trust him now.

[Kamille]

 

Your clarification of his position and how he could feel is definitely true. However, I cannot magically understand him. I wish I could. So, if every misunderstanding is going to prompt this. . . . how can it survive? I really want to believe it CAN. But I'm finding it hard to trust him now.

 

This is what I struggle to understand. I don't understand why, knowing he isn't an ace of communication, you would expect communication to always be crystal clear between you, or not give him some leeway as in :"He said this but I'm not going to sweat it. I'm sure he meant something more along the lines of this and that" or alternatively: "he said this but I know how much he loves me, so I won't sweat this one". Could you give me one example of the type of miscommunication that would happen?

 

In the sense that your expectations in regards to communication did not match his capacity to communicate, I understand why he was starting to feel you two were incompatible.

Edited February 27, 2011 by Kamille

[zengirl]

Secondly Zengirl, I would be interested to know what, if any, other things the two of you have fought about and how did it come about?

 

The first argument ever --- one time, I said he was "uninformed" (he remembers it as ignorant, and we were drinking, but I distinctly remember saying uninformed, though if you want to give him the benefit of "ignorant" I'm fine with that) on an issue, regarding Education Policy (what I actually do for a living), because he was arguing with me ad nauseum about something trivial. I didn't mean it meanly, and he said, "Well, you're being an idiot." He was very apologetic at this fight, and we just dropped it.

 

The next argument was over sex. I said, "Let's have sex before _____," because we didn't have much time (and I wanted to have sex!) and he said that took all the romance out of it. I've since found other ways to express the sentiment. But anyway, he said that took the romance out of it, so we didn't have sex (which was fine) but then later, he wanted to have sex and I, feeling rejected from earlier even knowing it was silly but just not in the mood, wasn't up for it just then, and that became a fight somehow. I wasn't trying to "punish" him but I was tired, rejected, bummed, and not in the mood (it was several hours later).

 

Another was over him telling me not to talk about a subject, because we were going back and forth. I explained I don't like being told not to talk about something.

 

Two were over plans we had, when they started, etc. One time he wasn't home when I was expecting him, and it was raining, and I was frustrated. (I had a key to his old place, but he's moved.) Another I wasn't there as timely as he wanted me to be, but I had no idea.

 

I also have to ask you, were you happy with him besides this one issue?

 

Yes. Even with the issue. My only issue is his withdrawing and stressing about it.

[Ms. Joolie]

It's mutual. And when presented to outside parties, 90% think what I think, including his friends. I don't think he thinks I'm crazy; he's just frustrated. And you're still missing the point that I don't "start" the fights. WE had conflict about it; WE were in the fight. At least one of the fights I had no idea was a "fight" during or for weeks after, until HE called it that.

 

Though I think you're way overcomplicating it, and Woggle hit it more on the head with his 2 sentences. That's exactly how he felt. And he shouldn't have broken up over it (since he clearly doesn't want to be broken up now) and regrets that, BUT who's to say he won't do it again? That's my dilemma.

 

I think the word "fight" just needs to be completely dropped really. Call it misunderstandings or miscommunications, because if these are fights, who's fighting? If neither one of you, then it isn't a fight. Let's not overcomplicate things then!

 

That said... it seems to me that with every misunderstanding you are creating conflict with a conflict avoidant man.

[zengirl]

I think the word "fight" just needs to be completely dropped really. Call it misunderstandings or miscommunications, because if these are fights, who's fighting? If neither one of you, then it isn't a fight. Let's not overcomplicate things then!

 

That said... it seems to me that with every misunderstanding you are creating conflict with a conflict avoidant man.

 

You and I see fights differently. To me, a miscommunication is something you gloss over. Everyone still feels or . A fight is anything that involves conflict between two people and makes them feel or or . I would love for these miscommunications not to become fights. And I think so would he. But he won't talk to me about HOW to make that happen. Perhaps that's what we need to do if we talk getting back togehter.

[heartshaped]

Yes. Even with the issue. My only issue is his withdrawing and stressing about it.

 

Well, I think this makes things a whole heck of a lot simpler then. The two of you haven't fought about anything else of significance that would signify that this couldn't work out, you care about each other deeply, and he obviously wants to be with you and you with him. Couldn't you just agree to disagree and drop this one issue that is causing so much chaos? I think the only reason he even had any of these doubts was because the two of you were arguing over the same thing and he felt inadequate.

 

Did he react after any of those other fights the same way? If he did, then that's a different story, but I'm reading this like he has only done this with this one issue.

[zengirl]

Well, I think this makes things a whole heck of a lot simpler then. The two of you haven't fought about anything else of significance that would signify that this couldn't work out, you care about each other deeply, and he obviously wants to be with you and you with him. Couldn't you just agree to disagree and drop this one issue that is causing so much chaos? I think the only reason he even had any of these doubts was because the two of you were arguing over the same thing and he felt inadequate.

 

Did he react after any of those other fights the same way? If he did, then that's a different story, but I'm reading this like he has only done this with this one issue.

 

He didn't react immediately after the fight this time either. It was distance for a few days, more and more, and then finally, I asked what the deal was, and everything imploded. He did, after a few fights, say some things. One time I said, "Do you want to break up?" expecting a "No" and he paused and then said, exasperated, "Of course I *want* everything to work out perfectly, but. . . !" but we settled that. Another time he said, "I want a relationship that works. Not one we have to work on." To me, those are like veiled threats almost, but I might be too sensitive. It amplified the miscommunications for me because I began to feel I needed to walk on eggshells. This last conflict only even happened because we'd had a good few weeks and I'd stopped worrying.

 

I wish I could be convinced he really cares about me deeply and is not just coming back because he doesn't want me to date other men. If I believed that, I suppose I'd say yes, and we'd work out our differences. But I just don't know. If he didn't know how he felt on Tuesday, or thought he wanted out, why does he want "in" now?

 

Based on the content of those fights, at least as you've described them, he sounds like he may be rigid and overly sensitive to criticism.

 

This is the first time I've heard of a guy turning down sex with his horny gf because there's not enough time to do it right.

 

He's definitely not rigid, but he is sensitive. As far as the sex thing, his issue was me phrasing it "like a chore" (which I didn't realize I'd done). That issue never reoccured because I listened to what he said and learned to phrase it differently. That's easy to correct. The conflict came later when he noticed my distance and pressed me. As I said, our empathy for each other has been a hindrance at several times. We can pick up each other's stresses/feelings/doubts too easily.

[Kamille]

Based on the content of those fights, at least as you've described them, he sounds like he may be rigid and overly sensitive to criticism.

 

This is the first time I've heard of a guy turning down sex with his horny gf because there's not enough time to do it right.

 

To be honest, I think you both sound like normal human beings, in other words, you both sound like you can each be rigid at times and overly sensitive at others.

 

I would like to understand the communication issue in more detail. Like I said, I fail to understand why you weren't able to make room for his poor communication style since you both agreed he wasn't an ace of communication? Why was the expectation crystal clear communication when you both felt that he wasn't able of communicating in that way?

 

Is, as jennysays, that his lack of effort in regards to communication made you feel like he wasn't invested? Could your need for crystal clear communication stemmed from some need for emotional security on your part?

[heartshaped]

Another time he said, "I want a relationship that works. Not one we have to work on."

 

It almost sounds like there that his ideals of a relationship are unrealistic. Every relationship takes work. If he can't realize that or be willing to work on things then he'll never find anyone to be happy with. It sounds like he wants something easy and stress free without doing any of the work that is required to make a relationship that way.

[Kamille]

He didn't react immediately after the fight this time either. It was distance for a few days, more and more, and then finally, I asked what the deal was, and everything imploded. He did, after a few fights, say some things. One time I said, "Do you want to break up?" expecting a "No" and he paused and then said, exasperated, "Of course I *want* everything to work out perfectly, but. . . !" but we settled that. Another time he said, "I want a relationship that works. Not one we have to work on." To me, those are like veiled threats almost, but I might be too sensitive. It amplified the miscommunications for me because I began to feel I needed to walk on eggshells. This last conflict only even happened because we'd had a good few weeks and I'd stopped worrying.

 

I wish I could be convinced he really cares about me deeply and is not just coming back because he doesn't want me to date other men. If I believed that, I suppose I'd say yes, and we'd work out our differences. But I just don't know. If he didn't know how he felt on Tuesday, or thought he wanted out, why does he want "in" now?

 

 

 

 

Straight up Zengirl, I think you demand a lot of emotional validation.

 

You brought up breaking up that time, and then feel threatened when answers something other than "no" - yet something that is far from being a yes. Yet, you're the one who put breaking up on the table.

 

If he expressed a desire in a form that doesn't match your expectations of devotion, you feel threatened.

 

I suspect the same can be said of your need to clarify his miscommunications. I wonder if you need crystal clear communication because you need validation that he is firmly committed to the relationship.

[zengirl]

To be honest, I think you both sound like normal human beings, in other words, you both sound like you can each be rigid at times and overly sensitive at others.

 

I would like to understand the communication issue in more detail. Like I said, I fail to understand why you weren't able to make room for his poor communication style since you both agreed he wasn't an ace of communication? Why was the expectation crystal clear communication when you both felt that he wasn't able of communicating in that way?

 

Is, as jennysays, that his lack of effort in regards to communication made you feel like he wasn't invested? Could your need for crystal clear communication stemmed from some need for emotional security on your part?

 

I guess the issue was I didn't realize he had poor communication issues and complex about it till we were already in the thick of it. By the time I really realized it, I'd started the thread here (Fighting, Stress, Break Ups) and we were already headed towards Heartbreak City. He never said, "I have trouble communicating. Can you cut me a break?" If THAT were the case, I could've. But he had trouble communicating that. Go figure.

 

What makes me feel like he isn't invested is that he withdrew and we broke up.

 

As to where he wasn't meeting my expectations, I was just confused as to the resulting stress from those conflicts and distance and worried about it sabatoging the relationship. I don't care if I misunderstand him. Or him me. But the way it felt, how stressed he got, and his reactions made me feel the relationship was always on the firing line if any conflict arose.

[zengirl]

Straight up Zengirl, I think you demand a lot of emotional validation.

 

You brought up breaking up that time, and then feel threatened when answers something other than "no" - yet something that is far from being a yes. Yet, you're the one who put breaking up on the table.

 

If he expressed a desire in a form that doesn't match your expectations of devotion, you feel threatened.

 

I suspect the same can be said of your need to clarify his miscommunications. I wonder if you need crystal clear communication because you need validation that he is firmly committed to the relationship.

 

Maybe. I'm used to a lot of emotional validation. The last guy who broke up with me did so because he felt I "didn't love him enough" because I wasn't calling him every day. I don't demand a TON of time/energy. I do count on a lot of attention when I am in someone's presence because that's what I'm used to, but only when appropriate.

 

I don't know that I need a lot of emotional validation consistently, but I definitely need something that lets me "count on" the relationship and know it'll be there. Otherwise, what's the point of one? But this can be something as simple as a guy who isn't making me feel like every time we have a misunderstanding, he's about to implode. I said the "break up" thing because he said, "What do we do now?" and I wanted to get the worst case scenario off the table.

[Kamille]

Oh! I thought you were both aware there were issues with his communication style while trying to figure out the relationship. Then I guess, the question is: do you think you could make room for a discrepancy between your expectations and his style?

 

Maybe. I'm used to a lot of emotional validation. The last guy who broke up with me did so because he felt I "didn't love him enough" because I wasn't calling him every day. I don't demand a TON of time/energy. I do count on a lot of attention when I am in someone's presence because that's what I'm used to, but only when appropriate.

 

I don't know that I need a lot of emotional validation consistently, but I definitely need something that lets me "count on" the relationship and know it'll be there. Otherwise, what's the point of one? But this can be something as simple as a guy who isn't making me feel like every time we have a misunderstanding, he's about to implode. I said the "break up" thing because he said, "What do we do now?" and I wanted to get the worst case scenario off the table.

 

Oh, I hear you. I need a lot of emotional validation in my relationships. I don't need a ton of time/energy either and am fairly easy to get along with, but if bf pushes one of the buttons that makes me feel like I might not be able to totally count on the relationship, my walls go up and I need a proof of commitment, then and there. I get cold and start asking him for explanations. (I'm a very proud person and my go-to emotion when feeling vulnerable is outrage).

 

In my current relationship though, I have learned that this is my style and that just because i feel threatened does not mean there is a threat. As such, I've changed how I approach issues too.

 

I've also learned to adjust my expectations. The biggest "trigger" issue we had was a difference in organizational style, which made me feel neglected and like he wasn't invested enough - like maybe I couldn't count on us. Over time, I've learned to not jump to that conclusion. I now know how he functions and am better equipped at accepting it.

Edited February 27, 2011 by Kamille

[zengirl]

Oh! I thought you were both aware there were issues with his communication style while trying to figure out the relationship. Then I guess, the question is: do you think you could make room for a discrepancy between your expectations and his style?

 

Yes. That is not the issue now. The issue is his walking away.

 

Oh, I hear you. I need a lot of emotional validation in my relationships. I don't need a ton of time/energy either and am fairly easy to get along with, but if bf pushes one of the buttons that makes me feel like I might not be able to totally count on the relationship, my walls go up and I need a proof of commitment, then and there.

 

In my current relationship though, I have learned that this is my style and that just because i feel threatened does not mean there is a threat. As such, I've changed how I approach issues too.

 

That's lovely in theory. This hasn't been an issue for me previously so much, mainly because I've had more confidence in the relationship. I've been trying to rebuild a life in the U.S. now and it's been rough, so I've leaned on this relationship more than others. Also, when we spoke about exes and he mentioned he'd never been broken up with except for one small blip (which was a few weeks in), I guess that stuck in my brain and made me worry. I have joked throughout, "If we're still going out when such-and-such" and he's always picked up on it and sort of bristled, that I talk about breaking up all the time. He sees it as very negative. Perhaps that didn't help. But I don't see how I could be any more secure AFTER all this went down.

 

I think the bottom line is, I need to take more time and if we reconcile, it has to be later, on my own terms, after I've had some time. He doesn't like that because he doesn't like the idea of me dating. And I'd honestly RATHER be with him, if I could wind back the clock, but I just don't feel I can right now. I think we'd have a chance in a few weeks maybe, but not right now. I think it will help because I've often said I might go back to Asia (I lived there for a few years) if I hadn't met him right off the bat, but now I feel like there are other things in my life to stay for that I couldn't see when I was focusing on the relationship.

[Ms. Joolie]

You and I see fights differently. To me, a miscommunication is something you gloss over. Everyone still feels or . A fight is anything that involves conflict between two people and makes them feel or or . I would love for these miscommunications not to become fights. And I think so would he. But he won't talk to me about HOW to make that happen. Perhaps that's what we need to do if we talk getting back togehter.

 

Definitions of fight on the web:

 

• To battle
  
• Any contest or struggle
  
• To struggle to endure or surmount
  
• To make a strenuous or labored effort
  
• An intense verbal dispute
  

I would say you are the only one struggling, disputing and making the labored effort in this whole communication drama, wouldn't you?

 

I don't see him struggling, disputing and making the labored effort at all. So, yeah, you are fighting over this not him.

 

I think YOU are still the one struggling over the miscommunication, YOU are the one frustrated, YOU are the one misunderstanding and making it mean things and getting all complicated over it.

 

He's not going to talk to you about how not to be so frustrated over the misunderstandings. He's not frustrated like you are, he's frustrated because you are frustrated.

[zengirl]

I would say you are the only one struggling, disputing and making the labored effort in this whole communication drama, wouldn't you?

 

I would not say that at all. However, I happen to be the one in this thread (not him) so I see how I'm the only one you'd see.

[Ms. Joolie]

I would not say that at all. However, I happen to be the one in this thread (not him) so I see how I'm the only one you'd see.

 

Okay, that puts to rest that you are the only one fighting about the communication thing then. I didn't know he was fighting over the miscommunications and misunderstandings, too.

 

I thought he was withdrawing only, not wanting to deal with your fighting.

[zengirl]

Okay, that puts to rest that you are the only one fighting about the communication thing then. I didn't know he was fighting over the miscommunications and misunderstandings, too.

 

I thought he was withdrawing only, not wanting to deal with your fighting.

 

No, and we aren't fighting ABOUT miscommunication in terms of saying it all overtly. That was only what I realized about the fights, as they all arose from miscommunications, and different ways of saying/doing things that are communication-based. He was as much in the fights as I was. He withdrew after the fights.

[Ms. Joolie]

No, and we aren't fighting ABOUT miscommunication in terms of saying it all overtly. That was only what I realized about the fights, as they all arose from miscommunications, and different ways of saying/doing things that are communication-based. He was as much in the fights as I was. He withdrew after the fights.

 

So the misunderstandings create frustration and fights, and that causes him to withdraw again and again. This seems to be what concerns you most, that he withdraws.

 

Now he has walked away, but has come back?