SVessel Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Okay, so I really want to give a lot of applicable details but I don't want to leave it all hanging out there... I did get a premium subscription if anyone is willing to PM for the whole story. I think I'd feel best about that. I have to decide whether to return to my marriage or move forward with the divorce and the relationship I am in... The relationship I am in did start when I was married and not separated - but it was not in secret. (My husband had insisted on a poly relationship in the past, albeit to my protestations.) Likewise, all parties are aware of exactly the decision I am making and what goes into it right now. Unfortunately, while they are willing to wait, I've dragged it on for too long thinking it would suddenly come to me, feeling torn in both directions. Feeling awful at the devastation I cause either way. But I feel sick because what I am doing is not fair to anyone. It's self indulgent and downright abusive to each of them. It's not right. I am in my mid 20's, my partner is in his early 40's, my husband is in his mid/late 30's. Been with husband for 7 years. Partner for 1. The man I'm with does make me very happy. He has always treated me right, though we are more prone to jealousy issues with each other. He loves my daughter as if she were his own. However, it doesn't make me happy to hear my child wanting her daddy... She misses him all the time, even with me trying to make sure there are lots more visits than standard, I don't want to give up time with her either. (Even with my partner doing more with her and giving her more than her dad, nothing can compare to an even adequate dad in a young child's eyes it seems) Thinking of holidays without her nauseates me. He says when she's with him all she wants to do is stay curled up in his lap the whole time. It doesn't make me happy to think of her life torn apart. My husband does make me laugh, albeit he is in general a more selfish person. When I first moved out this wasn't an issue. She was younger and my husband spent very little time with her, and none without me not forced by me. When she was an infant he said he hated being a dad and thought about leaving. They got a lot more time together when I moved out and forged a much closer relationship, but more dedicated time together doesn't seem to replace the day to day simple things. My husband was happy when I suggested a divorce; had shortly before I did told me he didn't think he ever loved me as a woman, though he loved me as the mother of his child and thought I was a wonderful mother. He had refused for over a year to go to counseling for our problems. I have a lot in common with my partner now, and almost nothing with my husband from a practical standpoint. I have somewhat more in common with my husband on philosophical issues, though my partner now is more likely to yield to my judgment - my husband never has and never will back down in his beliefs. My husband now says he feels I've matured a lot in our separation and knows that we could be happy together. He says that both of us have people out there that are more suited to each other that we would be with if not for our daughter, but our daughter makes a huge difference and we owe it to her to try to be happy together... that we have honesty more than most and that we do make each other laugh. He also says if I don't come back he will tell my daughter I tore apart the family for another man. (Might be idle, it will not be the first time he has threatened me with what he knows will hurt me to get things to go his way.) He has promised a lot of change on his part, though he hasn't started on anything and says he's not obligated until I come back. (Except when it comes to our daughter. He's a much better father already) There are a lot more details about how I got to where I am and other such things. I would love advice on what to do here, because I CAN'T be this person holding two people like this anymore. It is causing me to hate myself. If it matters as it may come into play here, I grew up in an abusive house with parents with a very messed up marriage. Please PM if you want all details to give more advice.... There are more relevent details and maybe irrelevent details that only feel so to me.... Things, though, I don't want here in public. I need answers or I wouldn't be here at all... I'm a little worried about just what I have posted but wasn't sure if it would be wholly inappropriate to not give some details with it being a forum, and stop me from getting any help at all... Or of course you can respond to what is given with any general advice. Thank you. Cross posted in infidelity. Hoping for opinions of spouses and of other partners because although not all of the aspects have come into play, it does seem to be most similar to where I am now.
Spark1111 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I'm here SVEssel.... I think you need to take a break from both partners....at least for a while to get in touch with what you really want. To return to a man who has done nothing, will do nothing, to woo you, win you back, sounds pretty selfish and self-absorbed to me. Did I hit the nail on the head with that one? He says you have grown as a person? That you owe it to your daughter? That he never loved you as a woman? That sounds to me like he is trying to guilt you back into the relationship; that he wants you to come home and play house with him again, and resurrect the appearance of all being normal for the sake of your daughter, but do you think he will give up his polymory ways for that alone? And that was not something you wanted for yourself, an open marriage? Am I correct? This OM treats you well? Respects you and your feelings? Is kind to your daughter, loves her like his own? My take: Your H sounds incredibly selfish, and manipulating. I would venture that your H DOES NOT respect you, nor truly love you. But he surely does not want anyone else to have you or have a hand in raising your daughter. Stay separated. Give your daughter time to adjust. Love her to pieces. Examine what will truly make you happy. And do not allow anyone to guilt YOU into WHAT they want, using the best interests of your child as the excuse.
Carrot2000 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 You're in a really tough spot. Have you considered being single for a while, without either man in your life? Being on your own might give you the time and space to think about what you really want without the added pressure of a relationship.
Author SVessel Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 I'm here SVEssel.... I think you need to take a break from both partners....at least for a while to get in touch with what you really want. To return to a man who has done nothing, will do nothing, to woo you, win you back, sounds pretty selfish and self-absorbed to me. Did I hit the nail on the head with that one? He says you have grown as a person? That you owe it to your daughter? That he never loved you as a woman? That sounds to me like he is trying to guilt you back into the relationship; that he wants you to come home and play house with him again, and resurrect the appearance of all being normal for the sake of your daughter, but do you think he will give up his polymory ways for that alone? And that was not something you wanted for yourself, an open marriage? Am I correct? This OM treats you well? Respects you and your feelings? Is kind to your daughter, loves her like his own? My take: Your H sounds incredibly selfish, and manipulating. I would venture that your H DOES NOT respect you, nor truly love you. But he surely does not want anyone else to have you or have a hand in raising your daughter. Stay separated. Give your daughter time to adjust. Love her to pieces. Examine what will truly make you happy. And do not allow anyone to guilt YOU into WHAT they want, using the best interests of your child as the excuse. Thank you. I do want to say he said the polyamory would stop if I came back and made other commitments, just that he didn't want to start any of them until I came back.
Spark1111 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Thank you. I do want to say he said the polyamory would stop if I came back and made other commitments, just that he didn't want to start any of them until I came back. I'm sorry, I can't speak to polyamory (not my thing) but I do believe if a man is seriously in love with a woman, he pulls out every stop to show her he WILL be the man she needs him to be to win her back....and does not sit back and wait FOR HER TOO CHANGE. I find it almost rediculous that he insists on polyamory AFTER being caught cheating, it is something you do not want, but now that you have actually met a seemingly nice guy, one who is respectful of you, and leave his azz....he wants you back. Stay away from H for a while....maybe forever. Sorry if this not what you wanted to hear... But you were honest enough to admit your dysfunctional childhood and often that can cause our pickers to be broken. Your H sounds like a very selfish, manipulating and controlling individual who does not care nor respect YOUR feelings. Please try to seek counseling to help you grow stronger to make the right decision.
lovingwhatis Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Hi vessel, I agree with Spark's assessment and advice. Your husband sounds manipulative, and may be subtly manipulating your daughter too.. One thing struck me was you feeling like you are holding two people. You are not holding your H, and it seems that your guilt is dstorting your perception. Look within in order to regain your balance and find your true answers.
spice4life Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) svessel, I agree with the others. Your husband sounds manipulative and is probably manipulating your daughter to push your emotional buttons. He says you have matured a lot? Frankly, and I don't mean to sound harsh, but it appears that he has a lot of emotional maturing to do. Another thing to consider is that you being torn between two men emotionally is probably effecting your daughter as well. Children are very intuitive and can pick up on their parents turmoil. Just something to think about. The reality is, it's not fair to anyone that you are allowing yourself to be torn between two people. It is a very painful situation to be in for everyone involved. I agree with the other posters that you should take some time for yourself away from these two men to figure out what it is that YOU want without their influence. Based on what you have posted though, I do believe your husband has issues. If you grew up in an abusive environment then you may think that his actions are normal in a relationship. I assure you they are not! The things he has said to you are emotionally abusive and controlling. He is trying to manipulate you into staying with him and has even threatened to emotionally harm your daughter if you don't come back to him. That alone is reason enough to tell him take a hike! The courts do not allow this sort of thing to go on anymore and if you choose to divorce, he can be forced into counseling to prevent him from harming your daughter emotionally. Do you really want to be with a man who would use such tactics? I think you should get into therapy asap before making any decision about who you want to be with in a relationship. Figure out why you are allowing yourself to be in this situation to begin with. Resolve the impact your parent's relationship had on you and allow yourself to heal before getting involved in a committed relationship. You will be in a better position to make healthy choices for yourself rather than choices based on what other people want you to do. You are in control of your life, so stand up and take that control! Don't let others manipulate you for their own benefit. Edited February 27, 2011 by spice4life
Toocurious Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I actually did what your thinking about doing. It was the hardest choice ever! He too played guilt and manipulation. Where I felt I can make this work for my kids it would be selfish not to. 4 years after divorce older and wiser,went back for 2. I couldnt fake it anymore for the kids and they could tell I wasn't happy. Take my advice don't go backwards! You will have to start all over again anyway. My suggestion be happy with your life now, show your child love and happiness. You guys will get through it together. anyone else should enter your lives as a bonus to add in a positive way. Guilt and manipulation is negative and ugly. Just my personal experience:)
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