MidnightinMadrid Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Hello LS''ers, I found this site and this wise poster cited very interesting but valid points to stick to NC,for those who are hurting,confused,just need a tiny shread of hope to contact their exes,read this,when i get a chance i'll print this and keep this with me. Hope it helps,let me know what ya'll think about it too. http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=188626
Miss_G Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I loved (!!!) the post. Really gave me a positive vibe. Just out of interest. I'm currently in the 'friends' zone with my ex and going on days out together with out child. He's said he doesn't want a relationship 'at the moment'. I have been very clingy and probably come across desperate and, after a lot of pressure from family/friends I am breaking friendly contact. Recently though he's been texting me about his job and stuff, prolonging texts and not just talking about our son. He doesn't seem to want to stop going out and was sad when I suggested it. He said last week we was 'confused' about whether he wanted to get back together but then two days ago said he didn't at the moment. He's been flirting and making sexy comments and he knows I've been having it hard recently and said he feels guilty. Do you think he's leaning back and I should carry on or will NC give him the shove he needs? He doesn't sound 'completely gone' to me. And that he may need me in his life. If I do go NC what should I do about the baby? I will have to see him for the babies sake or should I get him handed over by someone else? I've heard of LC but how do you do it??
Author MidnightinMadrid Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 I loved (!!!) the post. Really gave me a positive vibe. Just out of interest. I'm currently in the 'friends' zone with my ex and going on days out together with out child. He's said he doesn't want a relationship 'at the moment'. I have been very clingy and probably come across desperate and, after a lot of pressure from family/friends I am breaking friendly contact. Recently though he's been texting me about his job and stuff, prolonging texts and not just talking about our son. He doesn't seem to want to stop going out and was sad when I suggested it. He said last week we was 'confused' about whether he wanted to get back together but then two days ago said he didn't at the moment. He's been flirting and making sexy comments and he knows I've been having it hard recently and said he feels guilty. Do you think he's leaning back and I should carry on or will NC give him the shove he needs? He doesn't sound 'completely gone' to me. And that he may need me in his life. If I do go NC what should I do about the baby? I will have to see him for the babies sake or should I get him handed over by someone else? I've heard of LC but how do you do it?? Hi Miss G! Glad you liked the post,its really more positive than all the other move on NC post. Best thing is Never Ever bring up the topic of getting back together. You have to have the appearance that its firther from your mind. He seems to be hemming and hawwing,sort of dragging his feet,now is the time to make NC work for you,do not initiate anything,(unless its something important with your son,thats when NC has to be flexible. keep any interaction short and kind a impersonal. Like youre dealing with a coworker! really you wouldnt be all over a coworker,you'd keep a bit of distance, Gator has a good posting on second chances,but its good you read mine. Hope it helps!
depplover_1980 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Hi Miss G, Just going to butt in and say that your ex sounds like he does still have some feelings for you, but I wonder how much of it is habit and attachment? The fact he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship tells me you need to start looking out for your emotional wellbeing here. I would just stop all social interaction with him from now on; tell him you want to focus on your child and rebuilding your life as a single person and he must respect that based on his choice - he has made the call here, but by doing this he'll feel a bit dumped too!! In all honesty though you'll miss him, I suspect you'll gain some feelings of empowerment which will turn to confidence. So that is what's in it for you. I also think that it will give him clear space to truthfully assess how much he misses you - then if he was to return it will be because he has considered it appropriately. The way your current situation sits I sense you getting back together, but then 2 months or so down the line him repeating it all over again, which as we all know is a painful but common cycle with relationships.
Miss_G Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I know exactly what you mean about getting back together now would result in us splitting again. I would have just liked to have been able to take things slowly. My life without him feels empty and we were planning marriage. I now feel like my life is sort of 'over'. My future is not what I thought it would be. I just hope that he realises what he is potentially losing before he does anything that does end it for good. I dread him finding someone else
depplover_1980 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 It is an awful feeling of pure misery, but the old cliche is to fill your time and rediscover what you like alone - you have to at least prepare for this outcome. Once upon a time that man fell in love with a certain woman; try and recall who she was again, forcing yourself to do things that used to make you happy. Your life has not ended but your relationship as you know it has ended. Even if you get back it will be on new terms, so start facing the truth a little alongside keeping busy. When he comes to collect your child for visits he will get any sniffs of a positive and more radiant you - you need to create any air of mystery so he wants to know more. But until he wants what you want, be strong, dignified and keep your distance.
Miss_G Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I have been out with him today and had a chat. I asked him what he wanted in the future in terms of going out together. He said that we seemed to want different things. I told him that I wanted to go out with a view to seeing if things develop between us and be 'exclusive' to one another in the process. Not see each other everyday and just take things slowly but not bomb off with someone else! He said that he was enjoying spending time together but that he wanted to see how things went and work on things with our child. (Not quite sure what this meant...) I went into a little speech explaining that if he was confused then I worried that whatever was occupying his time whilst not with me that, once this was no longer entertaining him, he may waver towards me again and if he lives it too late I could then be with someone else and his son would still be from a broken family. I said that I wanted to work hard to get things back if he had any sort of feelings and we could continue our outings to see how things go. I then explained that we were no longer friends as that ship sailed when we began dating and so that was not an option. I told him it was all or nothing. He then went quiet and said he needed time to think. I asked him to let me know what he wanted to do and whether he wanted to continue next week. He was flirty today, making comments and genuinely showing some interest. He has been promoted at work and told me that he wanted to text and tell me but didn't know if he should. Later, after the chat, I received a call to tell me I had been selected for interview for a job I desperately want. Ex was there and he was really happy for me, telling me he was proud and even gave me a hug. He took me to my favourite coffee shop and treated me a cake and a coffee to say how proud he was. It was very sweet. He told me I was 'going up in the world'. My career/job was a big talking point when we were together and the reason for most arguements. I think he thought I was a dead end/no hoper. Like you say, I am working on me and the areas that caused conflict. God only knows what he will say for next week. I suspect he will say nothing and will just go back to taking the baby by himself. I just don't understand how we can have such a nice time and then go back to having nothing at all.
Author MidnightinMadrid Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) Hi,Miss G, Depp and I have both gave you our opinion and advice to focus on yourself which seems youre headed that way and to Not ask him about the relationship. Doing that means that you are pursuing him when you bring that up,of course he's going to hem and haw. Youre saying i'm available how about you,in a way making it real easy for him do you wonder why he drags his feet. From what you said not having a career shouldnt make him a go no where less of a person in his eyes,what is he a Doctor or a chemical engineer? I mean its great that he was there to support your job interview,but he wont give you and answer about anything more than that if you continue to ask him which in LS terms is called begging and pleading,we've all done that. Its up to you,but congrats on your starting your career,do that for you not for anyone! Edited March 2, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid
depplover_1980 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Yeah I agree Midnight, there are some real positives in there. However Miss G you committed some of the worst and common mistakes with him. I'm not going to repeat my original advice but in short - you need to remove yourself as an 'option' to him and this will force him to decide what's important. Otherwise there's a lot of heartache and frustration down the line for you. Without blowing my own trumpet, I am usually right with my advice and people thank me for it later on. Good luck.x
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