roman_pavluchenko Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 The first few weeks of being broken up with my ex was pretty rough. She dumped me for apparently being too clingy, which is kind of hard to deal with as she never even mentioned that anything was wrong, it was just really sudden was Probably would of been a lot easier to move on if there was another guy or something. But yeah, over the past few weeks ive been coming on here posting/reading other peoples stories. Compared to what some people are going through my break-up is nothing, but im just curious if it actually helps you recover, or delays it. I mean, today i was at work, standing up for 6 hours at a checkout and all i could think of was my ex. I soon found myself desperate to come home and start reading these forums to re-assure myself that i would be fine without her and that i was lucky to be let down easy, when i came home and read other stories/coping posts it made me feel at ease. If it wasn't for this site i wouldn't know about NC, and i would have probably gone back to my ex's doorstep a few times and begged for her back. Although i've been 3 weeks NC and havent heard anything from her, despite her saying she REALLY wanted to stay friends, i dont actually feel that its getting better. I do admitt this forum has helped me, but im curious, would it be better to keep coming back here and reading posts, as it makes me feel better, or would it be better to just stop, as i dont want this to be my only salvation from the sinking feeling i get when i think of her, i want to be able to go out all day and not think about her once, can i achieve this if i keep coming back here?
carhill Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Think of LS as a virtual support group; it's made up of people from all over the world of different cultures, socialization and personality types. I've found it to be as 'therapeutic' as the effort one makes to work on themselves, not far different from work in MC or IC, though the work there is more structured and directed. No contact is a wonderful tool to heal, and that's its purpose. It's love detox. It's not easy and not painless. It's work. Healthy work. Life work. Hope it works out
paiger Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Good question. It's a win/lose type of thing.. I mean you come here to basically read posts, see which ones are similar to yours, post questions, answer questions, all that jazz. But during your little virtual session, these forums do some-what make your sole concentration your ex. I can see where you're coming from as that DOES slow down your healing process as you are being constantly reminded of them. But this forum is for insight... I think once you've knowledged yourself enough (with really helpful info such as ex. no contact, how to maintain it, etc) you could then leave this site and from there keep all that info at the back of your mind and start living your life again. As for your question, my answer is no one can answer that but you. As for going out all day and not thinking of your ex once.. that cannot be forced. I think that's something that comes in time, but trust me.. it will come Hope you find some clarity (keep us posted! haha i'm actually curious to see what you're going to do as i've seen you post here quite a bit.)
cerridwen Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 LS was EXTREMELY helpful as I worked through the first stages of my breakup. Venting, commiserating, receiving support from others, it was priceless. One's friends can only take so much! Then, it began to hinder me. I found myself dwelling on the pain, thinking about the breakup almost obsessively. At a certain point, constantly reading stories of heartbreak became counter-productive. So, I began to use LS in a different way. I spent less and less time on the Break Up and Coping forums, and more on threads that took my mind off my ex. Now that I'm over him, I go back to Coping, read and post unaffected. But, there was that pocket of time when those forums only served to keep me in a space of discomfort. You'll know that time if you come upon it.
Author roman_pavluchenko Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 yeah it is very helpful, you read about NC and how it will benefit you, which makes you feel good, but im trying to learn how to use it whilst ditching the hope that it'l make her come back to me, i mean 3 weeks of NC and ive heard nothing and i dont think she actually loved me, either that or she was terrified of the slightest bit of committment, but once you start to rid yourself of that hope, you see a post about someone who has been contacted by their ex and that hope comes flooding in..
HeavenOrHell Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 It will hinder you if you're getting hopeful when you read about ex's coming back. LS helped me through a major break up, it would have been harder to cope without talking to people here, I was encouraged to go NC, best thing I did and managed to move on after that. I did become a bit too reliant on LS though yeah it is very helpful, you read about NC and how it will benefit you, which makes you feel good, but im trying to learn how to use it whilst ditching the hope that it'l make her come back to me, i mean 3 weeks of NC and ive heard nothing and i dont think she actually loved me, either that or she was terrified of the slightest bit of committment, but once you start to rid yourself of that hope, you see a post about someone who has been contacted by their ex and that hope comes flooding in..
EmperorR Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 It's very helpful, it makes you realize your not the only one, made me realize what I went through could be so much worse just look at the seperation/divorce/infidelity forums. I was lucky to not have married any of my exes and then get kicked to the curb. Anytime I feel like breaking NC looking at her facebook etc. I just come here and read posts and gain strength.
9Lives Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 When you get that feeling just back off of it for a while. It has been very helpful to me but sometimes I had to leave it alone for awhile. It is helpful when you see you are not the only one feeling the way you do. It is good. It can hinder you when you spend too much time on it sometimes. That is when you just take a break. I know that the internet has been very helpful with helping sort thru my thoughts and get a understand of my feelings and how to handle them.
january2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 My experience was very similar to Cerridwen's. Though I did most of my venting off-forum.
9Lives Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 My experience was very similar to Cerridwen's. Though I did most of my venting off-forum. That is because yoir more of a positive person.
strangeways Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 LS has been extremely important to me, especially at the beginning. Not sure what I'd have ended up doing if I hadn't found it. Biggest thing was realising my situation wasn't unique. the things she said to me gave me hope. Then I got on LS and I understood everything she said was a breakup cliche. We were very much done and when I got that into my head was when I could begin to let go. NC was a godsend to me. Put everything into perspective. Like a couple of the other posters I vented mainly to friends and family rather than here. But...I did need a break. It became a bit obsessive, reading every post. Now I come on occasionally to see whats up and post the odd reply.
9Lives Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 LS has been extremely important to me, especially at the beginning. Not sure what I'd have ended up doing if I hadn't found it. Im sure without LS I would have made a fool of myself a dozen times or more!!! Biggest thing was realising my situation wasn't unique. the things she said to me gave me hope. Then I got on LS and I understood everything she said was a breakup cliche. We were very much done and when I got that into my head was when I could begin to let go. Yes, to meet people who had WALKED IN MY SHOES already or was going thru it as well was so helpful. It was very good for me. NC was a godsend to me. Put everything into perspective. Like a couple of the other posters I vented mainly to friends and family rather than here. NC was not a godsend to me at first but the more I did it, it really did help me heal. I still have to use it today cause Im still working on myself and I dont need the negativity of being around a ex. But...I did need a break. It became a bit obsessive, reading every post. Now I come on occasionally to see whats up and post the odd reply. Yeah, you have to back up from it too. It can be doing too much when you need to be doing something else. I agree.
stopthemadness Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Ya ive wondered about that myself. I even asked my therapist about it. She said as long as you are healing and you write about that too, not just the pain broken heart stuff. It should be fine. At this point the people on the chat line are people i chat with a few times a week. We chat about LOTS of stuff, but when one of us has smthing on their mind. We (they,whos on at the time)talk it through and then we just chat. ME am 7 months out and doing just fine. Ya i have bad days, but not that many. I get thats it over. Hes moved on and when am ready, Ill date too..But ya there are sm times when i get busy and dont come on...coin toss i guess..
abust1 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 The LS breakup and coping forums have been VERY helpful to me. Getting on here and hearing stories, insights, etc, has been therapuetic and continues to be. I was also concerned about becoming a bit obsessed with this site, almost as a replacement to the ex. This MAY be true, it may drag out the healing process since getting on here becomes a new habit of reminding ourselves about the breakup. However, the initial advice given, when I finally took it to heart, has expedited my recovery far more than any prolonging that this "habit" of getting on this site has created. I've started to get bored with reading everyone's stories. I've started to spend some time in the dating forum, and less time on the site overall. These are all positives. The connection I'm gaining to my "self" and my ability to communicate my thoughts has increased as my healing progresses. The few posts I've written get progressively easier and faster as I heal and become "in tune" with my thoughts rather than the stunned breakup pining zombie that I was for months. Basically, getting on here won't make you feel as good anymore. More productive things make me feel good. No offense to those with thousands of posts that give out great advice on here, because I am appreciative of that for sure, but it's not something I'm interested in!
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